archive: 12 october 2005: amy ray and capital b

so... what an amazing night. I'll list the craziness with sporadic details and then I need to get onward to bed because I work in the early a.m.

1. Met up with Jo and Lisa and ate dinner at Jo's place. Happy to see Lisa. I got my threads and beads so now I can make those bracelets and necklaces. wooo! Good food, good friends, good times.

2. Jo and I went to The Dame and got there right about 8. I find out a little later that the opening act doesn't start at 8, but its that the doors OPEN at 8, and music starts at 9. doh!

3. Met Angie. Awesomely cute hair in person is absolutely great, and she seems really fun and I was happy to meet her. :)

4. Spotted my ex, Becky, across the bar, but no eye contact. First time I had seen her since we broke up, 6 months ago. Decided that going up to her would be a bad idea. Decided not to try to make eye contact (she told me a long time ago that we could never be friends, and that if we ever ran into each other in the same bar there would be no cordial "hi, how are you?" chit-chat. I know her enough to know this is true.) I pointed her out to Jo. I kinda had it in the back of my mind the rest of the night where Becky was in the bar. She had a lady-friend with her, don't know if they were together or friends, but if they are together, then I would definitely be happy for Becky. I had told her that I wanted nothing but for her to be happy. So I kept pushing it to the back of my mind and kept on having a good time.

5. AMY RAY ROCKED! I didn't know hardly any words to any songs (until the chorus repeated) and damn... I was soooo hyper from live-music-happy-grooving-adrenaline. hehe. She totally loved us. We kept hooting, and whistling and kyak-kyaking! heheh... And she encored us with a cover of Tom Petty's "Refugee." OMG! That was so great! And I know ALL the words to that song, and I was soooo happy and hyper and dancing all over the place and having a hell of a good time I forgot for a brief second about other things going on in my head about other people. :) It was a nice brief moment.

6. Capital B is AWESOME. I had suspicions that she was Bitch of Bitch and Animal and it turned out that I was right. Fantastic!! She kept sorta flashing us on the left side. She had on this little tiny striped "skirt" scrap wrap thingie. Didn't totally cover her butt. But it was a cute butt. hehe. She was so Pink and her hair rocked all over the place. Loved her music and her poetry.

7. Too bad I was very limited on funds and couldn't get an Amy Ray T-shirt right then... They are not selling them on the website unless there are some left over at the end of the tour.

ok!! Bedtime. Good dreams, I hope.

Oh, and Jo said that she saw Becky look over a few times, when we were really having a good time. Its a good thing that she see me having a good time, and I would have liked to have seen her having a good time. The few times I glanced over there I did see that she was smiling, and that is a good thing.

happy dreams to all and to all a good night!!!!

archive: 7 october 2005: jazz, warhol, hughes

I am watching "I shot andy warhol." Should be asleep, but I like Lily Taylor. I mean... she's cute.
Or maybe I should sleep and I'll just get it from Netflix sometime... watch it through without commercials.

Tonight I saw the "Langston Hughes Project" perform on campus. One, great music. I stared at the pianist the entire time. I was watching how he moved, head bob, sway, bounce, shake... lips squeench up and mutter the beat, bam-be-bop-ba-do... Fingertips doing the tango and swing-dancing on the keys. And he, the pianist, the bassist, and the drummer all are not mentioned on the project's website, so its my guess they are not always the ones to perform. But Ron McCurdy and John Wright have the sax, horn, flute, and spoken word down. Yeah... "Ask Your Mama: 12 Moods for Jazz." I asked Rob (the pianist) if there's going to be a CD. He said to look for a DVD on the website sometime. That's cool... It'd be almost 2 hours long, music and Langston Hughes' rhymes and rhythms.

Its made me wanna write. BUT by the time I got my ass back to the apartment... I didn't know where to start. I have a concept though, and it will take time and effort, but it will come out when I have the energy and resources.

Damn, I do love jazz. Not elevator jazz. But jazz that makes your body rock. Jazz that makes your soul leap from toes to fingertips. Jazz that has lyrics within itself, unwritten and without tangible words.
Its been a damn long time.

archive: 6 october 2005: wired sleepless wakeful dreams of what could-not-have-been

damnit, now I am all wired up and I can't sleep.
grrrrrrr....
Mike was right. I should have been a policewoman or went into law or something. I get so freaking passionate about this crap 'cause it makes me so angry. I wouldn't be some lawyer or politician who could easily be swayed one way or another... I am an idealist, and damnit, I never seem to lose a little of the naivety of being an idealist either. So that's how I would be a stubborn liberal lawyer... if it weren't for the stress and the anxiety of speaking in front of audiences.

agh.

SLEEP NOW
....

In the middle of waking and sleeping and dreaming, there are constellations which skirt the sky under the petticoats of Andromena, or chasing after hunter Orion, running away from the Scorpion, ever searching for Diana, paranoid Artemis is waiting in the shadows to win her battle. Goodbye Orion, you lose. I do not admire your three-star belt anymore. It does not fit my fancy anymore. And wakefulness leads to random play in dreams of what could have should have never been and but not-dreams become sleepless reality in cloudy green fields of irises.

and yes. random nonesense.

g'night.

archive: 5 october 2005: sexuality (this is long)

OK. This settles it for once and for all, damnit. [maybe]

There's these labels, identities, titles, self-descriptions of sexuality: Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Queer. Transgender. Asexual. Straight. etc etc.

So... when someone starts wanting to analyze themselves, to take the pieces of their being down to examine and decipher, to "figure herself out." To find her definition, her label, her sexuality.... It gets quite a bit complicated.

I'm 29 years old. I have a lot of experience under my belt, in a sense.

I had my first boyfriend at 16 for a week and a half. Next boyfriend was at 19. Boyfriend after that was at 20. Etc etc.

First girl crush? 7th grade, at least. First "oh my god, I seriously majorly want to do things to that girl" crush? Senior year of high school, and damnit, if I knew where she was now I still would want to do all those things. Except she's straight, married, and has a little boy. But at least I had told her that I had had a major crush on her.

And ever since then I have been acknowledging the crushes and attractions to girls. But when I lived in Mississippi, it just.... didn't feel like an option. And the few times I tried to date/meet a girl... just never were successful. Too many bicurious girls who stood you up when you were just meeting at the bookstore cafe to talk. How can just talking be anything but harmless? Seriously.

Anyway... So... Crushes on Boys, Crushes on Girls. I do have a detailed list of when, who, what I did with who, etc. Just for my own memory and purposes. But yeah, back and forth, girls, boys, girls, boys....

I get my butt up here to Kentucky and I seriously am not interested in any guys I meet or see. I think, "ok, they're all too young or just not attractive on this campus." But I also think... This is a whole state of people who don't know me. Who don't know my family, don't have preconceived notions about me or who I should be. This town is laid back, kinda hippie, very accepting... Liberal. Mississippi is Conservative, USA. At least Kentucky is a little more Moderate.

So... since I moved here I felt freer to be ME. To not give a fucking hell about some things. I went to the gay clubs, I went to Mia's, I went mainly with the decision of NUMBERO UNO: I want to make friends. But I also wanted to finally meet a woman I was attracted to and date. And I did. And Becky and I were together for 3 months.

And I decided I felt much more myself with her. I felt more physically comfortable with her. And as for sex, I.... well, honestly, I liked sex with a woman more than I did with the guys. Now, now... I did have good sex with my ex-boyfriends. They knew what they were doing and all that... And I have had a variety of sizes, etc, etc, whatever. Its more... I do like going down on a woman more than I did a man. Yeah, sometimes I did like it, but that was minority. Circumstances had to be right, mood and all that. The rest of that is for poetry. ;)

So... do I like girls or guys? Do I honestly have to choose one over the other permanently? For me (and this discussion is only in describing me, and not to be used to judge others because everyone is different and loves and has different needs), but for me I can only love one person at a time with all my being. I cannot spend my energy on more than one person intimately. So yeah, I may find myself sometimes attracted to a guy, not just for physical attributes, but also his personality and friendliness and honesty. And let's say I date him. I have never been successful at attempting to date more than one person at a time, and seriously, I don't think I could do it even if the opportunity arose. But I date monogamously. And I would not start something with a woman at the same time.... I just can't do that myself.

So... point is I date monogamously, no matter the gender.

When I was dating Becky her worry was that since I was bisexual then that meant if I met the right guy I would leave her to date him. I kept telling her that that was not true and that is not who I am. I am in love with one person and I do not leave someone for another person, no matter gender. I do not cheat. And I am always honest. ESPECIALLY in a relationship. Communication, whether you want to hear it or not, is my thing. If the relationship is going downhill its going to be one or more of these options: (1) conflict of some kind between the two of us, (2) you cheat on me, (3) either of us have to move away and decide that relationship can't withstand long-distance, (4) one of us dies, (5) immense lack of trust or dishonesty on your part. I don't put up with lies.

So man or woman?
I think sexually I prefer women. And emotionally and personality-wise, more often women. But, occasionally there may be the possibility of a man having traits I really admire and appreciate. So... love ought to be genderless. If I met the right guy while being single, then why not give him a chance? If I met the right woman while being single, then why not give her a chance?

So...
Because I am not just straight....
Because I am not just bisexual....
Because I am not just lesbian....
I choose to describe myself as Queer.

So if you read through all this, and you've taken a little time to actually get to know me, you will know that I am not one to play games, that I am honest, and that I am not trendy or slutty. I am straightforward. Ask me questions and I answer honestly.

archive: 4 october 2005: mental deciphering

Trying to write a poem about last night, about seeing my photos and Becky's mother's paintings both on the walls of Mia's last night... There's so much that could be said, and there's so much about how I feel about that, all the unsaid said things that those two things being in conjunction mean.

I guess really I shouldn't think anything of it at all.
But then again maybe I like torturing myself.
I must be masochist. I was once told that I was. But that was by someone who knew very little about me. But I think he was right. I think I like to pain myself. heh.

I keep crushes bottled up inside, because really... whatever excuses I come up with for not stating the facts, 'mam. And then attractions that I am trying to decipher and make make sense. Once I figure myself to be one way I find that maybe I contradict myself. And why do I think I want one thing over another? And my reasons for feeling this way can be described as this, but really its this, isn't it?

I know I am being cryptic. Its not meant to be deciphered. I know what I am talking about. This is for me.

I gotta get back to work. And I am writing that blasted poem. Its just going to take all day, scattered in with my work.

archive: 2 october 2005: strange dream

I just had a strange dream...
I went out to eat with Jo, Lisa, Billy, and Jeff. Then they dropped me off somewhere, probably a bookstore or coffeehouse place, and went on their way to something else. I ran into Becky at whereever I was. She didn't seem angry or upset or anything. She smiled, and was all friendly-like. Then when she talked to me, I felt this was really weird. She started asking questions about if I was dating anyone, etc. Then she took me around places to introduce me to single women close to my age. I felt very awkward about the whole thing 'cause it was Becky and she wasn't appearing upset at all. She knew people who had profiles online (she's never done anything on the internet, which would surprise me if she has now). She introduced me to someone who's nickname online is "little love" (this is a song title of Melissa Ferrick's). The coffeehouse seemed like a huge mansion, or else that's what this place became. "Little love" was playing on a laptop on a chaise lounge. Then Becky and I went into another room and she introduced me to two other women who were sitting on a bed. I was looking across the room through a doorway into the hallway there which looked like a hospital. And someone I knew (but I didn't know their name or face in the dream, just that I knew them) was on a bed being carted away. Oh, and there were snack machines and food everywhere. And Becky weighed 50 pounds heavier than when I knew her (in the year before I met her she had lost about 100 pounds on some soy diet plan.) In the dream she was talking about all these snack machines in every room of this mansion/coffeehouse. I thought it was weird and comment that not every room needs a snack machine; the world eats too many unhealthy snacks all the time anyway, don't need to make matters worse." She gave me this look which said, "WTF??" Then I woke up.

Very strange. Hadn't had a dream about Becky since before we broke up, six months ago. Damn.

archive: 25 september 2005 Over the weekend...

Wow, what a fun weekend. I can hardly remember Friday night now... oh yeah, I just sat around and watched a couple of movies. heh. Saturday night was good fun. Went with Lisa, Billy, Jeff, and Jo to Mia's for dinner and then went to Club Liquid after that. The drag show at Liquid could have been better (I have seen better) and the DJ should have been better. Too bad that the first time the guys had been there it wasn't the best show and music. Doesn't make for good first impressions.

I know I got a bit more tipsy/drunk than I should have. I had one vodka collins at Mia's, then bought two more at Liquid. I didn't drink all of that third one. I was beginning to piss myself off and for a while there it was noticeable, asked about, I whined, and really.... I am so very sorry. That's such party-pooper behavior and I really shouldn't let myself think so much. That certainly didn't make for good first impressions either. But I mostly remember everything I said, and I do remember everything I did and felt and saw. There's some things I am not sure mean anything at all, but at the time it was hard to not think something at all. I know... I am weird and will shut up now.

Or not. Today we had pancakes and waffle fries. And watched "The Wedding Date," which was a cute movie. Then I saw two episodes of "Weeds" and was much amused by that show. I like it. I think I need to see about getting Showtime back on my TV. I went back to basic cable in July. Then I left Lisa, Billy, and Jeff around 4, I think.

I went to Common Grounds for a while. I was there for about an hour and a half before I decided that I just wanted to walk around downtown a minute. I took some pictures. Thought a lot, like a roller-coaster, but never landed.

I am glad to have met Jeff, who seems like a really nice guy. I'm sure I will meet up with him some more sometime. So, welcome to Lexington. :)

And Lisa... if you see this... I forgot my beads and thread. I think it may be in the floorboard of the car behind the driver's seat in a Walmart bag. Would you hold on to that? Maybe we can meet up sometime during the week, this weekend, or next week? We'll have to see. And that yellow rose... probably dried out now, but its ya'll's now. :)

Well, Ned Kelly came from Netflix yesterday and I may just go watch that now. But I am going to make a few changes on this profile-thing now.