Wow, what a fun weekend. I can hardly remember Friday night now... oh yeah, I just sat around and watched a couple of movies. heh. Saturday night was good fun. Went with Lisa, Billy, Jeff, and Jo to Mia's for dinner and then went to Club Liquid after that. The drag show at Liquid could have been better (I have seen better) and the DJ should have been better. Too bad that the first time the guys had been there it wasn't the best show and music. Doesn't make for good first impressions.
I know I got a bit more tipsy/drunk than I should have. I had one vodka collins at Mia's, then bought two more at Liquid. I didn't drink all of that third one. I was beginning to piss myself off and for a while there it was noticeable, asked about, I whined, and really.... I am so very sorry. That's such party-pooper behavior and I really shouldn't let myself think so much. That certainly didn't make for good first impressions either. But I mostly remember everything I said, and I do remember everything I did and felt and saw. There's some things I am not sure mean anything at all, but at the time it was hard to not think something at all. I know... I am weird and will shut up now.
Or not. Today we had pancakes and waffle fries. And watched "The Wedding Date," which was a cute movie. Then I saw two episodes of "Weeds" and was much amused by that show. I like it. I think I need to see about getting Showtime back on my TV. I went back to basic cable in July. Then I left Lisa, Billy, and Jeff around 4, I think.
I went to Common Grounds for a while. I was there for about an hour and a half before I decided that I just wanted to walk around downtown a minute. I took some pictures. Thought a lot, like a roller-coaster, but never landed.
I am glad to have met Jeff, who seems like a really nice guy. I'm sure I will meet up with him some more sometime. So, welcome to Lexington. :)
And Lisa... if you see this... I forgot my beads and thread. I think it may be in the floorboard of the car behind the driver's seat in a Walmart bag. Would you hold on to that? Maybe we can meet up sometime during the week, this weekend, or next week? We'll have to see. And that yellow rose... probably dried out now, but its ya'll's now. :)
Well, Ned Kelly came from Netflix yesterday and I may just go watch that now. But I am going to make a few changes on this profile-thing now.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Friday, September 23, 2005
archive: 23 september 2005 reflective contemplation
Just finished watching "Hitch." It was a really good movie. Very... optimistic. I dunno. Maybe in some ways I am just a tad bit pessmistic about love and dating and all that... I have done the dating thing with guys. Pretty much 90% the time somehow he found me and pursued me. But this dating girls... I just don't know how to go about doing it, for one thing, and another thing is that I just don't seem to attract anyone either. I am one of those people who is everyone's friend, but rarely ever anyone's one.
I'm not feeling down in the dumps or anything right now. I feel quite... realistic, matter-of-fact, practical, that's-the-way-life-is. Or maybe this place and time is just not the right time. Maybe its not even Kentucky. It sure as hell wasn't Mississippi. Maybe its where-ever I go next.
But damn, I sure do miss being with someone, kissing them like there's nothing else around us. I miss that feeling of such focused energy. Its the emotions and the feelings that later when you try to recall it, try to call what was done, and what things felt like... you can't recall it. There's no words. No images. Just... I know it was wonderful, and I want that again.
Sure certain details, sometimes, are easy to recall. Sometimes when recalling one thing I have thought about recurringly comes up with more details... I am rambling nonesense, nevermind all that, because if I keep on with that its just going to have to get into specific details and thats not for here or now and doesn't need specific recalling details. I do not need to put those things down into words on "paper."
I just miss being with someone else. Not the "I hate being alone in this house" feeling. I can deal with that. Not the "I can't live without being someone's other." I have been that for so long that I can get over that. But I just would like to be with someone... No, not some slutty casual "fuck buddy" sort of thing. I do not want anything demeaning. I guess I just miss the early parts of being intimate. I seriously miss kissing and hugging for a long time. I miss snuggling up with someone. I'm one of those people who could go months with just that stuff and no sex. Its intimacy that makes love worth it. I guess in the meantime I will just be me, wait it out, and see if and when someone finds me. Because I don't feel like being shot down. Shy enough as it is.
I think I am going to have a glass of wine now. Just a small one. And maybe watch another movie, 'cause I have "Dogville" from Netflix today.
I have "you and I both" by jason mraz ringing in my head...
I'm not feeling down in the dumps or anything right now. I feel quite... realistic, matter-of-fact, practical, that's-the-way-life-is. Or maybe this place and time is just not the right time. Maybe its not even Kentucky. It sure as hell wasn't Mississippi. Maybe its where-ever I go next.
But damn, I sure do miss being with someone, kissing them like there's nothing else around us. I miss that feeling of such focused energy. Its the emotions and the feelings that later when you try to recall it, try to call what was done, and what things felt like... you can't recall it. There's no words. No images. Just... I know it was wonderful, and I want that again.
Sure certain details, sometimes, are easy to recall. Sometimes when recalling one thing I have thought about recurringly comes up with more details... I am rambling nonesense, nevermind all that, because if I keep on with that its just going to have to get into specific details and thats not for here or now and doesn't need specific recalling details. I do not need to put those things down into words on "paper."
I just miss being with someone else. Not the "I hate being alone in this house" feeling. I can deal with that. Not the "I can't live without being someone's other." I have been that for so long that I can get over that. But I just would like to be with someone... No, not some slutty casual "fuck buddy" sort of thing. I do not want anything demeaning. I guess I just miss the early parts of being intimate. I seriously miss kissing and hugging for a long time. I miss snuggling up with someone. I'm one of those people who could go months with just that stuff and no sex. Its intimacy that makes love worth it. I guess in the meantime I will just be me, wait it out, and see if and when someone finds me. Because I don't feel like being shot down. Shy enough as it is.
I think I am going to have a glass of wine now. Just a small one. And maybe watch another movie, 'cause I have "Dogville" from Netflix today.
I have "you and I both" by jason mraz ringing in my head...
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
archive: 21 september 2005: money and picture opps
well, I have a little more money in the bank, but this also means that for the rest of this month and most of October I need to be frugal. I can go places, just can't buy stuff. heh But there's only about 9 more days in this month and what I just deposited will take care of that, especially if I don't do anything.
Susan, this lady in charge of web services for the library, is in a brass band. They practice Tuesdays and Thursdays in Danville and perform on Sundays around 1. When she was talking about that I said I haven't been to Danville yet, and she said I am welcome to ride with her to and fro and see Danville. Good opportunity to take pictures of another KY town, maybe go into the new coffeehouse there (The Hub) and just to do something for a day which really doesn't cost anything (except the mocha I would buy at the coffeehouse.) I'm still thinking about it... I will let her know on Friday. I don't think there was anything else, any other possibilities to do something... Cause I could ride with her any of the Sundays they perform out there.
Susan, this lady in charge of web services for the library, is in a brass band. They practice Tuesdays and Thursdays in Danville and perform on Sundays around 1. When she was talking about that I said I haven't been to Danville yet, and she said I am welcome to ride with her to and fro and see Danville. Good opportunity to take pictures of another KY town, maybe go into the new coffeehouse there (The Hub) and just to do something for a day which really doesn't cost anything (except the mocha I would buy at the coffeehouse.) I'm still thinking about it... I will let her know on Friday. I don't think there was anything else, any other possibilities to do something... Cause I could ride with her any of the Sundays they perform out there.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
archive: 20 september 2005: poems
Got poems?
Apparently I do tonight (early morning)...
This I wrote on the 15th. Guess what it is supposed to be:
Rusted skeleton creaks
arthritic joints as it moves.
Red flaky dandruff falls,
and the wheels moan an ache.
Breaks resist a shifting, and
the horn squeaks softly.
Some haikus, two in traditional Japanese style, two in the American Jack Kerouac style, and then four "haiku sentences." I warn you, some of these are pretty damn bad.
Falling leaves chatter.
Children scatter in the wind.
There is no difference.
Love is like Autumn:
It begins hot, passionate,
but cools as winds come.
On the third apartment step
the poet writes
Jack Kerouac haikus.
Copper rings imprison
lined flakes of scrap paper
to trap the imagined.
Marianne laughs boldly as silver daggers fall from thunderstorm skies.
Graffiti, from three years ago, is on a school sign in a small town.
Her aqua eyes are difficult to look into longer than seconds.
Melissa's eyes are intense beyond the glare of the sun at mid-day.
This poem I was supposed to take a phrase (like, "I put my foot in my mouth" which really means "I said something I shouldn't have said.") and to make a story, literal story, out of that... but without using the actual words. I did an okay job, but I have written better. None of it is based on my life, or anyone else's. I simply made this one up completely. Also wrote this on the 15th.
November 21st.
We dated seven months,
hit a crucial moment
of decisions and compromises.
Words were spoken,
hand gestures made.
Seven was coming to an end
and I was grasping.
She waved the air,
shapes meant words,
and before long I knew
my words were wrong:
our language had barriers.
She did not understand
how my foot, 8 1/2 inches,
could fit in my small mouth,
nor what it meant.
I tried sticking my elbow in,
but it couldn't reach.
Her gestures continued
but I did not understand
the noises from her armpit
when she pumped, nor
the sideways click of heels.
Seven months was a long time
to communicate only by words.
Tonight I wrote this one, where we are supposed to take a very emotional moment and not describe it specifically, but describe it through a metaphor, through some other action. I didn't quite do it that way, but sorta.
The Day Dad Died
I was in a good mood:
Plans to make sushi were underway.
I measured Koshihikari rice
into one cup, rinsed thoroughly,
then poured one and a fourth
cups of water into a pan.
The phone rang. I answered.
Mom spoke. I said, "Okay."
She hung up. I sat still.
I have not made sushi since.
This one I wrote tonight too, and it is supposed to be based on a dream. I'll explain the dream AFTER the poem, so don't read that part yet.
Its Thursday morning and I
just woke up. My tongue is sore,
but I realize it is pushing against
my left incisor. The tooth
comes loose, falls over my lip and
onto my chest, bloody, with other teeth.
I keep pushing more teeth out,
numb ache in my gums, my jaws
feel cracked, and I lay dumbfounded,
unable to stop my teeth from falling out.
I panic: my hands can't seem
to reach my mouth to stop my tongue.
All 32 teeth lay on my chest,
chin and lips blood-streaked, and
I feel uglier than I ever felt before.
Ok. So I dreamt all of that once. And I couldn't even make myself wake up from the dream before it was over. I looked it up some place what "teeth falling out" or "rotten teeth" is supposed to mean... One definition is that the dreamer is concerned about money matters. The other definition is that the dreamer is concerned about their physical appearance. I went with the second description, since it pretty much sounds like it makes more sense. I dreamt this dream back in April of 2003 or sometime around then.
I have to decide now which one of these poems I will bring Tuesday to class to turn into the teacher and to also have peer-reviewed in a small group. hrm. Probably the father one.
Apparently I do tonight (early morning)...
This I wrote on the 15th. Guess what it is supposed to be:
Rusted skeleton creaks
arthritic joints as it moves.
Red flaky dandruff falls,
and the wheels moan an ache.
Breaks resist a shifting, and
the horn squeaks softly.
Some haikus, two in traditional Japanese style, two in the American Jack Kerouac style, and then four "haiku sentences." I warn you, some of these are pretty damn bad.
Falling leaves chatter.
Children scatter in the wind.
There is no difference.
Love is like Autumn:
It begins hot, passionate,
but cools as winds come.
On the third apartment step
the poet writes
Jack Kerouac haikus.
Copper rings imprison
lined flakes of scrap paper
to trap the imagined.
Marianne laughs boldly as silver daggers fall from thunderstorm skies.
Graffiti, from three years ago, is on a school sign in a small town.
Her aqua eyes are difficult to look into longer than seconds.
Melissa's eyes are intense beyond the glare of the sun at mid-day.
This poem I was supposed to take a phrase (like, "I put my foot in my mouth" which really means "I said something I shouldn't have said.") and to make a story, literal story, out of that... but without using the actual words. I did an okay job, but I have written better. None of it is based on my life, or anyone else's. I simply made this one up completely. Also wrote this on the 15th.
November 21st.
We dated seven months,
hit a crucial moment
of decisions and compromises.
Words were spoken,
hand gestures made.
Seven was coming to an end
and I was grasping.
She waved the air,
shapes meant words,
and before long I knew
my words were wrong:
our language had barriers.
She did not understand
how my foot, 8 1/2 inches,
could fit in my small mouth,
nor what it meant.
I tried sticking my elbow in,
but it couldn't reach.
Her gestures continued
but I did not understand
the noises from her armpit
when she pumped, nor
the sideways click of heels.
Seven months was a long time
to communicate only by words.
Tonight I wrote this one, where we are supposed to take a very emotional moment and not describe it specifically, but describe it through a metaphor, through some other action. I didn't quite do it that way, but sorta.
The Day Dad Died
I was in a good mood:
Plans to make sushi were underway.
I measured Koshihikari rice
into one cup, rinsed thoroughly,
then poured one and a fourth
cups of water into a pan.
The phone rang. I answered.
Mom spoke. I said, "Okay."
She hung up. I sat still.
I have not made sushi since.
This one I wrote tonight too, and it is supposed to be based on a dream. I'll explain the dream AFTER the poem, so don't read that part yet.
Its Thursday morning and I
just woke up. My tongue is sore,
but I realize it is pushing against
my left incisor. The tooth
comes loose, falls over my lip and
onto my chest, bloody, with other teeth.
I keep pushing more teeth out,
numb ache in my gums, my jaws
feel cracked, and I lay dumbfounded,
unable to stop my teeth from falling out.
I panic: my hands can't seem
to reach my mouth to stop my tongue.
All 32 teeth lay on my chest,
chin and lips blood-streaked, and
I feel uglier than I ever felt before.
Ok. So I dreamt all of that once. And I couldn't even make myself wake up from the dream before it was over. I looked it up some place what "teeth falling out" or "rotten teeth" is supposed to mean... One definition is that the dreamer is concerned about money matters. The other definition is that the dreamer is concerned about their physical appearance. I went with the second description, since it pretty much sounds like it makes more sense. I dreamt this dream back in April of 2003 or sometime around then.
I have to decide now which one of these poems I will bring Tuesday to class to turn into the teacher and to also have peer-reviewed in a small group. hrm. Probably the father one.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
archive: 18 september 2005: weird dream
I had the strangest of dreams. I dreamt I was at home, my mom's house. And everyone was there... family, brother-in-law Gregg, my sister, nephew, cousins, everyone... and they all know (in the dream) I am a lesbian. So I am in my room there as it looked before I left home (now it doesn't look like my room) and a girl I know here in KY (who isn't gay in the slightest) is at my house. I have no idea why or how, cause she's not from MS or anything. And I do not have a crush on her in real life either, and I know she's not gay, and she's not gay in my dream either. And she's a virgin. Anyway... So, in the dream, I am in my room and she comes in, closing the door behind her. She says she wants to have sex with me. I am puzzled. There's some talking, but I don't remember what was said, but I agree to do it. I think that she'd prefer something more hetero-like, so I go for the toys, but the ones I have just don't seem to do anything. Then I start thinking that I don't want to do anything that would cause penetration; I would feel wrong for taking that virginity especially since she's not gay. So I ask her if I can go down on her instead, ask if she's ever had an orgasm or masturbated. She says yes I can go down on her, but no she's never masturbated. (I really think she would say that in real life too.) And I tell her to not think about what I am doing, to just relax, to just let things start feeling what they feel. And I go down on her.
In the other rooms of the house though, everyone knows what's going on because they asked her to do it. And there's priests in the next room to my bedroom (for I don't have any idea why, since no one in my family is Catholic anyway...) and the window in my bedroom is open and its late Spring (Mississippi's) outside.
I wake up though, before she orgasms. Its the weirdest dream I think I have had in a long long long time. SO WEIRD. I mean, she's as straight as straight can be. AND I am not attracted to her at all.... She's not ugly, just not attracted to her 'cause she's straight and too young and just... yeah. Its just not there.
In the other rooms of the house though, everyone knows what's going on because they asked her to do it. And there's priests in the next room to my bedroom (for I don't have any idea why, since no one in my family is Catholic anyway...) and the window in my bedroom is open and its late Spring (Mississippi's) outside.
I wake up though, before she orgasms. Its the weirdest dream I think I have had in a long long long time. SO WEIRD. I mean, she's as straight as straight can be. AND I am not attracted to her at all.... She's not ugly, just not attracted to her 'cause she's straight and too young and just... yeah. Its just not there.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
archive: 17 september 2005: louisville
I had so much fun last night at Phoenix Hill. I did manage to take a few pics, but I am totally not as happy with them as I have been with past Ferrick shows. I think its because there was not as much lighting from the front as there was from the back. I don't like to use my flash too much at music concerts because I am afraid of being paparazzi-like. I could take a picture every 5 seconds if no one was with me or I had no conscience. heh.
So, just for fun, here's some news: I created a fan site earlier this summer and I want it to be about as comprehensive as possible. I have found nearly every article on Melissa and copied and pasted it onto the website, with source info and links to the original article. I copy and paste in case the news site or magazine site ever deletes that article's page or moves info around. I am going to host most photos on my website, with name of photographer and a link to their own website or anything they want me to link to. I am going to include links to my photo albums of Ferrick photos and to Denise's photos, because those are sooo many. I will probably work on this a lot tomorrow.
So after the Melissa Ferrick show at Phoenix Hill, Jo and I went to Connections and had a drink, watched most of two drag shows, and danced a lot. There weren't a lot of people there, but there was still much fun to be had. I got her back to her apartment about 3:20-ish I think, and then I got home close to 4. Yes, in the A.M. hehehe... I couldn't go to sleep for about 20 minutes I was still so wired. But then I laid down and it was a matter of seconds before I drifted off to dreamland.
So... the links!
Here's the photos I have taken so far of Melissa Ferrick shows:
Columbus, OH, 6-24-05:
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/columbus_rockin_in/melissa_ferrick/
Dayton, OH, 8-05-05:
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/dayton/canal_street_tavern/
Louisville, KY, 9-16-05:
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/louisville/ferrick_at_phoenix_hill/
I didn't take pics the first time I saw her in Lexington, KY, 6-22-05, because I wasn't sure if cameras were allowed or not. :)
Hm... not sure if I am going to go to Spoonbread Festival or not. I am still a little tired (maybe a nap?) but I am also feeling compelled to work on the fansite right now. I am hungry too, so first I will fix myself something to eat no matter what I choose to do. I can't remember if there is a fee to get into the festival or not. Maybe I will just go sometime tomorrow. But Sunday festivals aren't quite as.... good. hmmm.
So, just for fun, here's some news: I created a fan site earlier this summer and I want it to be about as comprehensive as possible. I have found nearly every article on Melissa and copied and pasted it onto the website, with source info and links to the original article. I copy and paste in case the news site or magazine site ever deletes that article's page or moves info around. I am going to host most photos on my website, with name of photographer and a link to their own website or anything they want me to link to. I am going to include links to my photo albums of Ferrick photos and to Denise's photos, because those are sooo many. I will probably work on this a lot tomorrow.
So after the Melissa Ferrick show at Phoenix Hill, Jo and I went to Connections and had a drink, watched most of two drag shows, and danced a lot. There weren't a lot of people there, but there was still much fun to be had. I got her back to her apartment about 3:20-ish I think, and then I got home close to 4. Yes, in the A.M. hehehe... I couldn't go to sleep for about 20 minutes I was still so wired. But then I laid down and it was a matter of seconds before I drifted off to dreamland.
So... the links!
Here's the photos I have taken so far of Melissa Ferrick shows:
Columbus, OH, 6-24-05:
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/columbus_rockin_in/melissa_ferrick/
Dayton, OH, 8-05-05:
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/dayton/canal_street_tavern/
Louisville, KY, 9-16-05:
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/louisville/ferrick_at_phoenix_hill/
I didn't take pics the first time I saw her in Lexington, KY, 6-22-05, because I wasn't sure if cameras were allowed or not. :)
Hm... not sure if I am going to go to Spoonbread Festival or not. I am still a little tired (maybe a nap?) but I am also feeling compelled to work on the fansite right now. I am hungry too, so first I will fix myself something to eat no matter what I choose to do. I can't remember if there is a fee to get into the festival or not. Maybe I will just go sometime tomorrow. But Sunday festivals aren't quite as.... good. hmmm.
archive: 17 september 2005: weekend rundown
I was only going to take a nap from 5-6 this afternoon, but... alarm was set for a.m. I ended up sleeping till 9:45 and I woke up, got dressed, drove to the ATM, and got a few bucks for a mocha and enough to do laundry tomorrow.
Got Spanglesh and Stepford Wives to watch on DVD. I am going to watch the first one in a few minutes, and then I will spend a couple hours on the fansite. Late-night work suits me best.
Tomorrow I will try my damndest to get up relatively early, clean up house a little bit, wash up and go see if something still is going on with the Spoonbread Festival (after my battery charges up so I can take some pictures), and then work some more on the fansite. I've got to email Bryna, too. I have some article links to send her.
ok... so, setlist of songs Melissa performed at Phoenix Hill Tavern:
*some songs with Natalia Zukerman (I missed these cause we thought the opening act started at 9, not 8)*
Beijing
Who Knows Why
Everything You Get (NEW)
Hold On
Don't Say Goodbye
Massive Blur
Fearless
Streetlight
All for Me
Stuck (NEW)
Back Stabbing (NEW)
Everything I Need
The Other Side
- David Bowie diddy -
Anything Anywhere
Every Three Words (with Natalia Zukerman)
Burn this Guitar (with Natalia Zukerman)
Sky Above (with Natalia Zukerman)
Settlin' In (NEW) (with Natalia Zukerman)
Welcome To My Life (with Natalia Zukerman)
Got Spanglesh and Stepford Wives to watch on DVD. I am going to watch the first one in a few minutes, and then I will spend a couple hours on the fansite. Late-night work suits me best.
Tomorrow I will try my damndest to get up relatively early, clean up house a little bit, wash up and go see if something still is going on with the Spoonbread Festival (after my battery charges up so I can take some pictures), and then work some more on the fansite. I've got to email Bryna, too. I have some article links to send her.
ok... so, setlist of songs Melissa performed at Phoenix Hill Tavern:
*some songs with Natalia Zukerman (I missed these cause we thought the opening act started at 9, not 8)*
Beijing
Who Knows Why
Everything You Get (NEW)
Hold On
Don't Say Goodbye
Massive Blur
Fearless
Streetlight
All for Me
Stuck (NEW)
Back Stabbing (NEW)
Everything I Need
The Other Side
- David Bowie diddy -
Anything Anywhere
Every Three Words (with Natalia Zukerman)
Burn this Guitar (with Natalia Zukerman)
Sky Above (with Natalia Zukerman)
Settlin' In (NEW) (with Natalia Zukerman)
Welcome To My Life (with Natalia Zukerman)
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