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I want to fall in love one day.  To feel loved and to experience the feeling of loving someone.

I have loved someone from a distance now and I have allowed myself to cage those feelings, only to speak of them once face-to-face and to write of them once in a late-night email, with a response that was tenderly written. Yet, a great canyon of silence has grown between us since then.  I have searched for a bridge to cross over, but any that existed I fear he might have burned.  Why?  I don't fit some vision, or he is afraid of hurting me, someone he cares about, or I am too honest for his tender and scuffed up heart.  I have no answers that truthfully tell that story.  Only he could explain.  And he isn't going to, and I am not going to ask. I have waited.  I've not pursued anyone because I knew that I was not ready, what with all my searching and hoping. But I've finally packed my car and driven away from the canyon. It echoes the car's wheels rolling on gravel, dust rising, and no one there to say goodbye.  Farewell, friend.

And so the tide has come around, the wind is blowing across the lake, my paddle skims the water, and I see the reeds swaying with a late summer hope of what is possible, what is to come, what autumn might bring.

The screen door bangs with the coming autumn wind.  Wildflowers lean toward the rising sun and sway as it travels to sunset. I've opened the windows.  I want to fall in love again. 

vivid dream

I had such a vivid and emotional dream last night that I woke with both a feeling of sadness and dread for someone.  I don't remember all the details, such as what town I was in and why.  I know I was somewhere I wasn't usually at, and neither was my friend, M.  I was with some other friends going to bars to listen to live music and I was taking pictures of the bands.  At some point we were in a large building and in this building was a police station. I was able to look into the police station and see who was being arrested and booked for overnight stays, etc.  I saw my friend, M, being escorted into the station.  He was noticeably drunk, a cynical drunk.  He wasn't trying to strike out at anyone, but he was belligerent and vocal.  In real life I have never seen him this way and I don't know if he'd get this way if he did get drunk.  But in any case, in the dream he was being escorted into the station.  they sat him down in a seat along the wall and as he looked around himself, he looked out the windows of the station and saw me.  His whole countenance fell.  His eyes turned downcast. I not only could feel his embarrassment and shame in the dream, but I woke with it.  I woke right about this point, feeling both very sad, and feeling as though someone I knew was full of disappointment, shame, and embarrassment. 

I've only woke with this heavy-laden feelings once before after having a dream in which I knew that my boyfriend at the time was going to break up with me very soon. In the dream we all were at his brother's wedding, but I was sitting at a table alone. I looked around and made eye contact with my boyfriend. His expression of sadness and pity rippled through me and in the dream I realized I shouldn't be there, that he and I had broken up, and suddenly I felt embarrassed and wanted to flee.  I woke with a very heavy feeling on my chest.  That was on a Thursday, and on Saturday we broke up.

I wonder how real dreams are sometimes.  Maybe the situation has not and will not happen, but the strong emotions in the dream may be connected to the other person more than we ever thought possible.  I wanted to call M this morning to see if he is all right.  I'll probably call him Saturday afternoon.