New Year's Wish

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

 

- Neil Gaiman, from his blog entry "My New Year Wish" 12/31/2011:

 http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2011/12/my-new-year-wish.html

Thistle

Thistle, along I-35 in Texas, May 26, 2013. Photo by Laura Anne Heller

Hay Bales

I'm going to try to start posting a pictue-a-day here.  And other ramblings as well.  *crosses fingers for success and persistence*

Hay Bales, Newcastle, Oklahoma, May 26, 2013.  Photo by Laura Anne Heller

Love Song for Bobby Long

 

I could go on forever about this movie and its music.  One, I love New Orleans and it is the central landscape and culture of the film.  Two, the dialogue interests me because there’s plenty of literary references to Moliere, Dickens, Twain, Auden, etc.  That tugs at my literature heart.  There’s a character whom you both love and are confused by because of his mistakes and how he has complicated his life by them.  You want to smack him while at the same time just sit on the porch enjoying a glass of bourbon and talk about literature, society, the city.

This movie also includes the Carson McCullers novel The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, a paperback book that Purselane reads while waiting to get on the train but upon finishing it, changes her mind and stays in New Orleans.  I finally read The Heart is a Lonely Hunter last summer, and it was a very good read.  Also, the movie’s screenplay is based on the Ronald Everett Capps novel Off Magazine Street.  I should read it someday.

The soundtrack features several songs written and performed by Grayson Capps, plus a few old traditional songs like “Barbara Allen” being performed by John Travolta while sitting outside with friends for a cookout.  By the way, there are many versions of “The Ballad of Barbara Allen.”   A Myspace music profile was created by someone to feature several songs most loved from the film; Give it a listen.

Secrets (playlist)

Secrets 

1. "The River" - Samantha Crain
2. "Flowering Spade" - Sean Hayes
3. "When I Go" - Brett Dennen
4. "Spaces In Between" - Shane Alexander
5. "Happy Ending" - Matt the Electrician
6. "Blues Man" - Michael Huff
7. "Forms of the Truth" - Beth Waters
8. "Strangers" - Kris Delmhorst
9. "Ragdoll" - Gavin Glass & the Holy Shakers
10. "Tribute to Taj Mahal: Cakewalk Into Town" - Justin Witte One Man Band
11. "Santa Fe" - Samantha Crain
12. "Houston" - The Bittersweets
13. "Southern Smile" - Four Year Bender
14. "Meridian" - Rebecca Loebe
15. "Other Hearts" - Michael Huff
16. "Reflecting Light" - Sam Phillips*

I included "Reflecting Light" just because I was completely absorbed in the song while working on these and I thought it appropriate to close with it.
Support local music; Links link out to musician's website.

Tales (playlist)

Tales

1. "This Too Shall Pass" - Danny Schmidt
2. "Dancer" - Jared Tyler
3. "Blackwing Butterfly" - Noelle Hampton
4. "Soul Parade" - Jesse DeNatale
5. "Better Nobody" - Kelly B. Band
6. "Siren" - Rebecca Loebe
7. "Song for John" - Penny Hill
8. "She Run Away" - Mike Beck & the Bohemian Saints
9. "I Would" - Ali Harter
10. "Fortune Teller" - Michael Huff
11. "Scissor Tales" - Samantha Crain
12. "Your Chances Are High" - Camille Harp
13. "Angel on the Floor" - Elam Blackman
14. "Lonely Spires" - Rachel Ries
15. "Working My Angels Overtime" - Justin Witte One Man Band
16. "Life of a Buckaroo" - Mike Beck & the Bohemian Saints
17. "The Wind" - Penny Hill
18. "Band of Angels" - Kelly B. Band
19. "Too Far Off" - Michael Huff
20. "Collapsible Plans (Sugar)" - Tom Freund

Links link out to musician's website; Support local music!

Stories (playlist)

Stories

1. "For the Morning" - Camille Harp
2. "Babylon" - Justin Witte One Man Band
3. "We Are the Same" - Samantha Crain
4. "Salem" - Penny Hill
5. "Everybody Knows" - Kelly B. Band
6. "Cheyanna" - Mike Beck & The Bohemian Saints
7. "Land & Sea" - Rebecca Loebe
8. "Little Birdie" - Michael Huff
9. "The Dam Song" - Samantha Crain
10. "Goodbye Blues" - Easton Stagger Phillips
11. "Don't Hurt My Heart" - Mike Beck & The Bohemian Saints
12. "South" - Camille Harp
13. "California" - Rebecca Loebe
14. "Untitled #3" - Ali Harter
15. "Rising Sun" - Samantha Crain
16. "Be Kind to You" - Forest Sun
17. "All the Pretty Girls Leave Town" - Tim Easton
18. "It's Okay to Be Alone" - Elam Blackman
19. "Keep on Going" - Michael Huff
20. "The Weeping Willow" - Devon Sproule

Links go to musician's website; Support local musicians!

Downtown Train

“They’re just thorns without the rose

Be careful of them in the dark
Oh, if I was the one
You chose to be your only one
Oh yeah
Can’t you hear me now
Can’t you hear me now
Will I see you tonight
On a downtown train
Every night it’s just the same
You leave me lonely"

—	“Downtown Train” (Rain Dogs studio version, 1985) by Tom Waits

Sorrow in the Wind

“They say when love grows older
It dies and fades away
Yet all our life together
One ever brightening day
When we’re apart, my darlin’
There’s sorrow in the wind
When we’re apart, my darlin’
Sweet sorrow in the wind"

—	“Sorrow in the Wind” written by Jean Ritchie, performed by Emmylou Harris on album “Blue Kentucky Girl”

Music associations

Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen, Iron & Wine, M. Ward, David Gray, Alexa Woodard, Patty Griffin, Ryan Adams, Ryan Bingham, Hayes Carll, Chris Knight — MDA (long term crush, writer friend)

Nine Inch Nails, Bush, Marilyn Manson, Matchbox Twenty — AB (ex)

Led Zeppelin, Ah-Ha — JC (high school crush)

Radiohead — MBH (ex)

Morphine — MWF (ex)

Portishead — MM (college crush)

Catie Curtis — BG (ex)

Morrissey — MJE (high school crush)

Although one or two songs by these are marred, it’s just a song, not the whole repertoire that reminds me of a person : The Doors, The Beatles, Melissa Ferrick, Sarah McLachlan, Pink Floyd…
But these I found on my own somehow, no introductions by any friends, crushes, significant others — Lucinda Williams, Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch & David Rawlings, Ani DiFranco, Melissa Ferrick, Melissa Etheridge, Erynn Marshall…

Will likely think of more…

Love or not

Love or not

A small emotional rant to throw out there and then forget…
I’m a loving creature. I’m a giver.
I do things on impulse for others,
and think about myself some other time.
I wouldn’t have it any other way, except…
Wouldn’t it be nice, now, to say “I love you”
to someone who says it back?
All of it has been a long ago affair
and I feel old for all this time since last loves.
Where, how to begin? Or settle into “spinster”?
If I had financial freedom I’d jump into work
with very little pay at a poor school,
teach a creative class with children
- words and pictures and videos and songs -
and my paycheck would be filled with smiles
from those kids I loved and helped in a small way.
And if I never had a lover again,
then that would be a satisfying love.
Instead I am tethered to bills and debts.
Instead I seem unavailable, undesirable to others.
Instead I’m always that “just a good friend.”
I miss love, tangible love. Giddy at a thought love.
But I’m also old enough to know
I won’t trip over my own feet at the idea
of being in love - been there at 22 -
so, no, I want to know what door I open,
what may lie rooms ahead, what dreams,
what days I’ll share with myself or with someone I love.
/end rant/

heart ache

heart ache

 

my heart aches to receive the aching heart of another,
to give so that heart does not ache so much, and
with that giving my heart will not swell under the bruise.

More thoughts on POTUS quote, human condition, be a bird...

Finally got another response to my POTUS quote from the same person… frogs?

Well, I answered with humor.

But it saddens me that this world, or the world I grew up in, is so filled with judgement and criticism of others’ lives instead of respect and love.

Love for fellow humans.  Desire for all humans to have happy lives.  Food and water, good health and love.  These, I think, are the simplest of needs I think all humans should have.

I use the word humans so that we continue to recognize we are all faced with the human condition, the inescapable factors of being human, factors that are not hinged on race, gender, faith, or class; “concerns such as the meaning of life, the search for gratification, the sense of curiosity, the inevitability of isolation, or anxiety regarding the inescapability of death.”

Movies dealing with race and slavery always seem to reverberate a sense that some humans decided that other humans were not human, but instead things that were inferior.  Again, this saddens me because this was so very untrue.  The Africans were human and thus painfully dealt with the human condition, as did their slave-holders.

This thread of compassion within me for fellow human suffering draws me to films, stories, and songs that deal with other humans discovering solutions for each conflict they face when seeking out the betterment of their human condition.  I love happy endings, but I know, unfortunately, so often some of the endings are more bittersweet and still insufferable.  One step forward, two steps back, sometimes.

Can’t we have a “Mary Poppins” moment, snap our fingers collectively, and all people love, respect, and acknowledge each others’ differences without judgement and criticism and racism and classism and sexism and hatred?

Can I be a bird on the wind?

Avoidant

Eh… I shoulda known that it was what I already knew, mostly. Even in middle school I did something like this: mom and I are in the mall or grocery store, I’m wandering around by myself. I see down an aisle or in a store a friend or classmate, and they’ve not seen me yet. I want to visit with them but instead my instinct is to walk on, avoid. I’ve always done this, and pay for it with few friends, and ones who probably get exhausted initiating contact every time. As I got older I forced myself sometimes to ignore the impulse. I think those 6 years crushing on someone who wasn’t going to reciprocate the same feelings led to a resurgence of this behavior tenfold. Here we go again with turning myself around…

“Avoidant is the most widespread emotionally unavailable type that sometimes can be hard to pinpoint as there are so many different types of avoidants. An avoidant may get into a relationship and stay there for many years, or stay away from all personal relationships and dating altogether for long periods of time. They may avoid all sexual contacts for months or even years, then go on a binge of one night stands. (that was a little in 2003-2004) Avoidants are typically introverted and in some extreme cases can become antisocial. They are typically very honest and rarely cheat or play, yet it is not uncommon for an avoidant to live a secret live no one knows about (yeah, I’m secretly Wonder Woman). They avoid intimacy by building walls around themselves and energetically pushing people away whenever they get too uncomfortable in a relationship. They avoid conflicts and confrontations at all possible costs pretending there is nothing wrong when the problem is quite obvious to others. They often resort to addictions to keep themselves cut out of the reality of their own lives and lives of those they get involved with.”

Equal Love

I knew when I posted the POTUS quote that I might get responses or questions I would feel unease answering, but though I could feel my nerves and blood ache with someone not understanding the simplicity of the statement, or seemingly begging for an argument, I think I handled it well.

"... for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well." - POTUS, January 21, 2013

Asked: Equal to what?

My Response: If we are all equal as human beings, then real love between two persons is equal to that of any other two persons who love each other.

Asked: And just how do you measure this?

My Response: How does one measure love?

Asked: I always think that in love between 2 people the love is never, ever equal. We all love for different reasons.

My Response: Yes, I suppose there are different, complicated loves. The abused child still feels love for the parent who abuses him simply because a child is supposed to love his parent. A wife loves her husband, and vice versa, and the ways that love is expressed may vary, but the degree of love may be the same, or one spouse may feel they love their spouse more than the other feels. But moreso, this statement is addressing that one couple's love is equal to that of any other couple's love, worthy of respect, whether a straight couple, gay or lesbian couple, biracial couple, inter-faith couple, or any other adult pairings of persons who understand the depth of love for each other. I know not all persons would agree with my stance on this, and that's fine, of course, but I still believe the world needs more love and understanding than judgement and criticism.

E.M. is not me

“Some people suffer from emotional masochism. They are more comfortable when they feel sad or consider themselves failures in life, or prefer to be in a relationship with someone who cheats or insults them. People who have these kind of feelings may have been bullied or abused earlier in life, or may feel that they do not deserve success and happiness.”

No, no, no. Sometimes I feel oddly more comfortable sad, but do not think I’m a failure nor want to think of myself as one either. I do not want to be cheated on or feel belittled. I was bullied at school, insulted and emotionally abused by peers, and had plenty if roller coaster feelings of what my dad thought of me (when I couldn’t figure something out, find something he wanted, etc, I was called stupid, idiot, anything insulting intelligence…). But I don’t desire to feel those feelings again either, far from it.

So this other is something else…. Surely? Hmm.

“Women who fall for unavailable men have some profound insecurities and self-esteem issues, and they invest so much in pursuing unavailable men with the following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll—at long last—have proof that they are worthy. Sadly, without such proof, their self-worth is left hanging in the wind. In addition, these women feel that they’ve invested so much and waited so long for the unavailable man to come around that the thought of leaving without any payoff is almost unthinkable.” - from Psychology Today Magazine.. Although the main example I have of this is not someone who was in another relationship himself, but MDA was just simply not interested in me that way. But the waiting, the hoping that invested feelings would be returned, etc, was all true. 6 years that “crush.” Last summer I finally let it go because I finally realized it was truly never ever going to happen. I don’t deny I surely have some self-esteem issues and insecurities. Some I overcome, some are clinging like leeches. Ah, introspection.

Introspection and E.M. (more rambles)

Introspection and E.M. (more rambles) 

 

Been very introspective today. In part I think I let my thinking and emotions distract and procrastinate away from something I was going to do, which was to reconnect with a friend I have somehow lost contact with… No idea why we’ve not talked or visited with each other for months. I’m weird, though, when I have to be the one to reach out and tie down the time lost to a phone call, an invitation to meet, dinner… The longer I wait the longer I berate myself for letting it get this way. It’s not that I don’t think about them often, I do.

I think I’m growing more like my dad, less expressive in person, even if I do talk, talk, talk… Again the journals and writing for emotions. I’m just afraid of being rejected, is all, and even friendships can be awkward.

Okay. Tuesday. Phone call. Damnit, Laura.

Oh… Maybe I am an emotional masochist? Is that even a thing? I have been known to be attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable, or at least that’s what some friends described those persons. Also, I’d become emotionally invested in the unattainable. No, not pursuing someone who was taken, but someone who I may never meet or see again, someone who doesn’t share the same kinds of feelings, someone who is attracted to someone else… Whathaveyou. Yeah, an emotional masochist MUST be a term. Google here I come.