archive: 29 november 2005: poetry and pictures

I now have on my work computer's desktop this picture of a pansy I took at home in my mom's backyard. I am at work and I am feeling better than I did last night. I had a spell when I felt dizzy like I was drunk, but... I did not drink any alcohol.

I just spent an hour or so listening to Emily Hagihara, Jem, Electrolane, Jonatha Brooke....while working on editing poems I wrote earlier this Fall. I have about three poems I need to rewrite completely. They will take some work, heart, and time. Only one of them I am emotionally attached to the content, but I have the free verse version of it and I like that version best. Just need to try it as a pantoum and that might make it better. Libby says it doesn't progress; what I have is a captured moment and emotion, which is all it was, too. I am feeling the need to work more on my poetry. Maybe it was a good thing I had no internet last night; it allowed me to focus longer on my poetry.

I need to allot time for specific things I need to work on, otherwise I won't ever get any of this creative stuff done. I have a ton of ideas, and some of the materials to do it, but never seems I have the time.

Oh... And sometime over January-March or so, I will attempt to re-upolster my own couch. Talking with mom about it over the break, I realized it'd actually be pretty damn easy. The only hard part would be the cushion covers. But I can do it as soon as I get my sewing machine fixed and finish the current project I have more than halfway finished.

archive: 23 november 2005: movie review and driving home

"Walk the Line" was actually a damn good movie.  Reese Witherspoon did a great job as June Carter and I didn't really "see" her as "Legally Blonde"  haha... Joaquin Phoenix was excellent as Johnny Cash.  Damn, that man had problems.  I didn't know to what extent.  I also didn't know he toured with Jerry Lee Lewis and Waylon Jennings and a little bit with Elvis... Its pretty interesting, the whole coinciding timeline...
While driving yesterday I was thinking about deadlines and goals.  I think sometime over this break I am going to write up some deadlines for myself.  Personal goals I want to accomplish, work goals I ought to meet, and intellectualy goals to strive for.  They'll be some mighty interesting lists, I am sure.  Might help me complete some of that stuff on my "101 things to do in 1001 days" list.
Well, I am sure Gregg (brother-in-law) is out of the shower now. I gotta go get this hair fixed, get cleaned up, drop him off at his work, and then I head on to home (Gluckstadt, MS), but after I have some coffee.
Oh... I feel like I have strep throat or something.  My throat is on fire and itchy and my voice is hoarse.  I don't know if it is from singing too loud and hard to Melissa Ferrick for a couple hours in the car, or somehow caught it from someone.  Heh, I haven't been kissing anyone, that's for sure.  I haven't kissed anyone on the lips since April. 
Bah!

archive: 23 november 2005: thinking much?

I am home.  Hey Mom.  :)   My nephew is still too cute.  He's hyper, too, but creative and fun to sit with and hear him talk.
I guess I am going to go in the kitchen and help Mom now.  She's cooking the entire world in there for tomorrow.  Beth and Gregg will be here tonight.  Don't know yet when I will see my cousin.
I'll call Alison around 6 tonight, see how Friday or Saturday suits her.
I will talk with Mom about stuff sometime, too.  I just don't know how yet.  I want to know how she really feels about it.  I asked my sister last night if Mom ever talks or asks about my sexuality with her, but Beth said Mom says "she doesn't ask."  She probably doesn't want to know, really, but I would rather her know honestly than to be under the assumption I am "confused" or "going through a phase" or "stubborn" or whatever else someone would describe me.
I am glad to be home.  The drive today was boring as hell.  I have a sore throat.  I had dreams last night and for once I slept 8 full hours.  The dreams... I cannot speak about.  In spite of the fact they won't happen, they still made me feel nice.  We'll see how long that lasts.
Oh, I talked with my sister about car stuff, selling it, and what to buy.  Toyota Matrix has better gas mileage than either Subaru Outback or Forrester, so I might just go with that if I can find it reasonably priced and with few miles.  Although Subaru does support a lot of gay foundations and whatnot, if I buy it used it won't be the same as buying it new anyway.   And once again, a particular car doesn't define me, so... just because I drive a Subaru does/does not mean I am gay.  I am gay 'cause I am.  If someone wants to know, then grow balls and ask me.  So I will probably end up with a Toyota. 
I better go help now.  Later folks.
EDIT:   I am a dufus.
*stop thinking so damn much!!*
Going to call Alison sometime Friday, not tonight.  I am being stupidly shy about this.  *butterflies* 
Homemade mini pizzas for dinner.  Mine has chicken, tomatoes, green peppers, and cheese. 
My cousin said she'll be back at the house sometime tonight.  I'll see her before I sleep, I'm sure.  I am sleeping on the trundle bed of the day bed.  I wish I could sleep half of tomorrow, but folks are showing around 10:30 a.m., which means I will have to be up around 9 at latest.  heh. 

archive: 23 november 2005: U2 in Cleveland Ohio

Oh yeah... FYI
I am going to a U2 concert on December 10th.  That's a Saturday.  It is in Cleveland, OH.  That's about 6 hours from Berea.  I am going to rent a car.  I am also going to get a hotel room.  I will leave very early Saturday morning, as soon as I can get the car, and head to Cleveland.  Never been this far North before.  Shall be fun.  Too bad I don't have a second ticket (anymore) 'cause then I'd see if anyone wanted to join me.  It'd still be nice if someone could join me for the trip, just... well, while I am at the concert I don't know what they'd do.  But other than that, all day Saturday and all day Sunday could be fun, tramping around Cleveland looking at the city, across Lake Eerie....
I wonder what weather will be like. 
Tomorrow, Thursday morning, I am going to try calling some of the hotels and see what their rates will be and if there are any rooms available.  I'll book one.  I don't care what kind of bed I get, but.... if I do have a traveling friend, that might make a difference.  In any case, I'd probably go this trip alone.  I don't know if anyone I know will be able to come along.  But it is going to be a weekend marked down in my life as Number One.

archive: 19 november 2005: I Understand This Now

Saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire today. No spoilers here though. It was good, but... I liked the director for Prisoner of Azkaban better. I want to see it again, but I will probably do that later. I don't want to sit in the second or third row from the front again. Not a good choice.

I think I looked cute today. heh. I was kinda giggly about this outfit. Nothing special, just jeans and a brown sweater with a button-down shirt under it. I like this sweater though. It is very soft. It used to be my sister's, and then it got handed down to me when she couldn't fit into it anymore. It is cashmere. I have no idea where she got it, but it has held up pretty good. One small hole but I will figure out a way to repair that sometime.

Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at Penny's at 1. After that I am visiting Marissa for a while...

Today my mood has flipped around a good bit. I think I am going to do some writing. I don't think I have been entirely honest with myself, about my feelings and about how I feel about my life and job. Well, I have been honest on some things, but maybe too optimistic about other things.

This is it: Yes, I want to have a solid relationship with someone. I may have said in the last month or so that I may want to have a casual sexual relationship but with no real ties because of my job's limited time here, but really... even if I met someone who could do that, I'd probably end up becoming very emotionally attached to them and then hate myself and the situation. I know I cannot be involved with someone without being emotionally attached.

But then crap, I have a job which expires August 31st, 2006. If my co-workers are even considering suggesting to the college that the college hire me permanently, they have not given me any hint or indication that it may happen. The closest thing anyone ever said was Harry, back in January or so, that you never know what the college may offer. Take Pat as an example. She was hired temporarily for 2 years and then she was offered a permanent part-time position. She's worked there ever since then. Same happened with Ed. Honestly, the college archives could use a processing archivist for all those collections on the shelves which have not been processed. I wonder if I could propose this, and how. I know I would talk with Steve about it.

Anyway, that aside, my situation is realistically temporary here. My next job could be elsewhere in KY or who knows? Maybe anywhere from VA to NM or CO or NY. I pretty much don't have a preference for location except I don't want to live in FL, MS, AL... pretty much the whole Southeastern US. Maybe Georgia. NY appeals to me in some areas. Besides, I do want to live in or visit NYC, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco...

So... my predictament is that even though I may be lonely and though I may crave emotional attachment with someone, I can't expect anyone to be willing to be a part of any of that with me other than as friends. I understand that. It'd be ultimately unfair to anyone to be emotionally involved with me if there's uncertainity with a deadline on how long it can last.

Its peculiar though, isn't it? When the assumption is that because someone is living in a place, meets someone, becomes involved... that the relationship may have infinite possibilities of duration and intensity. Take two twin couples. One couple knows ahead of time that one person may be leaving in a year, and the other couple does not know of such a limitation on their relationship. Does the first couple have a harder time with their relationship because of this information? What if the second couple finds out that one of them is leaving too, but only a week before they are going: would they break up or would they somehow stay together? Does it even matter? It is entirely possible the second couple could have broken up way before one person found out they were going to have to leave anyway, and the first couple could split at any time even though they knew of the deadline.

I guess Becky and I were an example of that first couple. She knew from the beginning, and we talked a lot about it (almost broke up twice), and sometimes we entertained the idea that she'd move with me whereever I end up having to go. But when it really came down to it, she wasn't ever going to leave. And would I have been able to stay? Where would I have worked? Would I have settled to work somewhere in Lex. at a job beneath my degree?

She was right about that. I would have stayed, but until I found another archival job in Lexington, I would have been unhappy with myself working somewhere where I was not using my educational intellect. She never said that to me, but that is what she knew. And there is no guessing at how long we would have really lasted together.

I do become a bit passive in a relationship, I think. Its possible I need to find someone who will force me to truly voice and act on my impulses, be a little more aggressive. I have to be comfortable with them though, and I have to know I can trust them. I am just a tender heart, and I refuse to hurt someone I care about if at all possible, even at my own cost. I am protective, tender, and motherly.

I may be dreaming lately about things I wish could happen, but they probably will never happen. I think I know that they won't happen. And I accept this. It doesn't really upset me, other than it is definite that I am not going to have a relationship with anyone the rest of my time here in Berea, unless I find out I am staying longer. I am lonely for intimacy, cuddles and snuggles. I do not feel lightly about those times spent with someone like that. If I snuggle with someone it is because I really feel comfortable and care about them. I will become very protective of them, even if there is no relationship. In fact, until recently, I never cuddled with someone I was not in a relationship with. So that comfortable intimacy like that speaks a lot to me. But I know not everyone feels that way and if it were to happen again I would not interpret it as anymore than close friendship.

Anyway... so.... this ramble feels like it is coming to a close. I have decided this is how it is right now, I don't expect anything more or less, and I may not be happy with it, but I can deal with it. So... I will try my best to not interpret anything as anything unless someone says "this is....." Makes sense? Sounds logical and practical? Probably. Because it is impossible for me to be irrational. haha.

ok. I am going to go string lights on my porch. I doubt this was read through, but it was, thanks. It doesn't matter though, because this was just something to sort my thoughts out, and not intended for anyone whatsoever to read and think "this applies to me" or anything like that. Just that my feelings and thoughts over the last 3-4 weeks have made me realize realistically how I must handle things.

Oh. And I want to take an IQ test. I took one at work online the other day and it scored me at 118, but I don't feel like that is right. But then again, it is just a number, right? *sigh* 'Cause to me, I know my intellect is stronger than 118. I just know it.

I also want to read about some new age subjects. I haven't pinpointed what I want to say I want to read about, but when I see it, I will know. Later, folks.

archive: 16 november 2005: Baudelaire: The Good Deeds of the Moon

I've been wanting to have an electronic version of this prose poem for a long time, so here it is. I typed it.

The Good Deeds of the Moon

The moon, who is whimsicality itself, gazed into the window while you were sleeping in your cradle, and said to herself: “This child is my favorite.”

And she descended with velvet steps down her staircase of cloud, and making no sound slipped through the windowpanes. Then she threw herself over your body with the downy endearments of a mother, and she pressed her colors on your face. Ever after you’ve had green pupils, and remarkably pale cheeks. It was while brooding on your visitor that your eyes grew so astonishingly large; and she folded her arms so firmly and tenderly around your neck that you have ever since the desire to weep.

Meanwhile, as her delight grew, the Moon charged the whole room with a kind of phosphorescence or light-filled poison; and this fully alive light began to think and said, “You will be forever under the influence of my kiss. Your beauty will be my sort of beauty. You will love what I love, and love who loves me: the water and the clouds, also silence and the night; the endless and green ocean; waters chaotic and elegant, the place where you are not, the beloved whom you do not know; the grotesque blossoms; perfumes that make you rave, and cats that drape themselves on pianos and who groan like a woman, with the voice husky and delicious.

“And you will be adored by those who adore me, and flattered by those who fawn on me. You will be queen of all green-eyed men whose neck I have firmly enfolded in my nighttime attentions; of those who love the ocean, the immense green troubled and tumbling ocean, the chaotic rivers and the elegant rivers, the place where you are not, the woman whom you have never met, the ominous flowers that resemble encensoirs from some unknown religion, the perfumes that disturb the will, and those savage and sensuous animals that are the symbols of such madness.”

That is the reason, my dear spoiled and miserable boy, that I stay here, watching at your feet, trying to glimpse anywhere in your being the reflected light from that terrible Goddess, from that godmother san merci, the wetnurse who gives her poisoned breasts to the moon-maddened men.

Charles Baudelaire
Translated by R.B.

archive: 13 november 2005: home again

I am home.

My car freaked me out Friday when I was 10 miles away from my destination. The check engine light came on, but the car wasn't making any strange sounds or shaking oddly. So I just talked to my car (yes, I tell her that she's doing allright and to just get me where I need to go and I'll treat her right. hehe) and I got to the hotel parking garage. Met up with my cousin and her roommate. Miss my cousin, but she's grown up. Still sweet, but... I don't know... but anyway, she's told me about her latest relationships and all that. I think she may be making good choices. Her roommate I thought was pretty cool on Friday, but by the end of the day on Saturday she was starting to grate on my nerves. Maybe it was jealousy or my own self-esteem getting in my way of having a good time and not caring, but the girl just seemed to start having this know-it-all attitude and "miss priss" way of things. That grates my nerves. I don't spend an hour getting ready to go anywhere. I'm happy with myself in about 20 minutes and they're still primping. gah. Anyway... whatever.

I checked the oil in my car on Saturday and found that it was low. I must have a leak because I have never had to replace ALL the oil. Usually when I find it is low, it is only about half full, but this was practically empty. So I walked to a gas station and back and filled it. Light still stayed on. This morning I found an auto place, but not the right guy was working. The guy who was working took a peek and he said it didn't look like it was anything to worry about. That the light may be on 'cause of some oxygen not firing right or something like that. I don't remember. But I have driven it all the way back to Berea with no sign of problems. Tomorrow during lunch I am dropping my car off at DNC and letting them give it a look-over. Go ahead and get the oil change that was due this month anyway, and see what else needs fixing up. DNC is the reliable old-timer mechanic shop folks trust around here. "won't tell you something needs fixing that doesn't need fixing."

I gotta make sure it is working fine so that I can go home for Thanksgving.

Well, I am home. Visitors are welcome to stop in and visit. I will be cleaning house and blasting music.

archive: 10 november 2005: night walking

Well, I took that long walk, which turned into an extra long walk, and it was quite nice. But I still don't think I cleared my head. I mean, yeah, I feel good now, but what I wanted to clear out I don't think I really successfully managed. I guess that's ok. I can deal with feelings.

Oh, and let's see if I can remember what I was listening to on the mp3 player. I chose stuff I hadn't listened to in a long time... since the the summer I was living in Hattiesburg mostly.
Abandoned Pools: Mercy Kiss, Start Over, and (can't remember)
Bush: Comedown
Coldplay: Clocks, Beautiful World, Rush of Blood to the Head, The Scientist, Warning Sign, Parachutes, Careful Where You Stand
Splashdown: Ironspy, Dig, Asia at Odd Hours

I realized I love "Beautiful World." I already knew I loved "Asia at Odd Hours."

I will figure out later how far I walked. I have also decided that in my calculations on my earlier walk I might have made a mistake. But here's a map (click to enlarge) of where I walked last night. Blue dot is my house, my starting point:

archive: 8 november 2005: to laser show or not...

So I have got to go see Libby tonight for a poetry review meeting, 20 minutes. All students in the class are doing it yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I set my meeting with her at 6:50.

Tonight there's a laser show at the planetarium. I may go since it will be the last one of the series they are doing. I don't know what the $2 at the door fee is for, but that's not a bad price and I can spare it. Tonight's music is U2. I missed the one which was Led Zep on Sunday night.... This is at 8:00 p.m. tonight. I may go...

My cousin finally emailed me a few details about this weekend and Louisville. I may get to see her Friday night in Louisville. I doubt I am staying the night, cause I doubt she's got a room to herself. I can go about town and make trouble with her and talk. I miss my "little sister." I'll have more details about that eventually.

Been an interesting week so far and it is barely even Tuesday evening. Wonder what the rest of the week has got to share. Maybe it will be a bit calmer in my head. heh.

I miss my buddies Jo and Lisa (and Jeff and Billy and Emily)!! Lexington girls!

archive: 5 november 2005: pictures and plans

I took pics this afternoon at the Black Music Ensemble (BME) for my friend Brittney who is their historian. Took pics and they turned out ok, coulda been better with a better camera, but all is ok.
BME Pictures

Tomorrow I think I will go out to Owsley Fork and take sunset pics again. I will need some peace time. I was out visiting a friend last night and every so often I kept staring off across the grassy part of the campus which the porch faces out onto. Jealous of that porch view. But it was being mistaken for thinking about other things... Already thought about that stuff and well, that's set aside and past. But nature was reminding me I hadn't visited it for a while for regenerative soul-searching me-myself-and-I time.

I hate the winter sometimes. Its not so much the cold and ice and snow and rain... though all that I don't particularly like, I do appreciate the beauty of it too. No, winter reminds me that there's no warmth and comfort in my life, and I feel more lonely in winter. Its much more noticeable to me. I am more likely to be depressed during the winter. Bad timing, since there's Christmas and New Year's. But yeah, I am really going to try to not just sink into that. It is good to know I have friends though. And I hope that when I do get cynical that I don't get bitchy about just having friends.

I think tonight I may take another walk, don't know if it will be three miles again, but yeah. Maybe. I don't know how things will go.

archive: 5 november 2005: vodka collins - poem

I am the vodka collins.
A sweet and sour.
Honesty and kindness,
reliable and thoughtful.
I am the one who listens
to all your midnight problems,
all your nightmare dramas,
and all your wishful thinking.
Show up at your door,
casserole or pot of soup
when you are sick.
Mail your birthday card,
good wishes and luck inside.
Read your words and say
this is good, needs work, is shit.
But tell me, dear,
what are my sour parts?
I am blind.

archive: 5 november 2005: drunken ramblings

I wanted to go lay out on my sidewalk, and I did for a while, but then I got the craving for another sip off my vodka collins and I looked about me and felt the world coming into its place over and over again, not swirling, just sliding into place over and over again... and I decided that I have to stay inside now. I don't want to be sick outside, defile the earth.

*sigh*

damn hiccups now.

and I screwed up a conversation somehow. and I just... I don't know what I really want but I know what I am craving and I know I won't get that and shouldn't ask for that if I am not asking for more, and I don't know if I want more or more from that person or from someone else, and I am just stupid. I can be better than this.
I think I have regressed. what is up with that? 29 and regressing? how stupid can I be? sorry. I am 5 drinks stupid and I still have one drink stupid to go before I stop.

that last line could be in a poem.

my friend Jordan ought to be amused by this internal random drunken banter. if he knew me so well, maybe he knows me more than I think even though I haven't seen him since last summer 2004 when he and Lillian were in barnes and noble when I was working there for about 4 weeks tops.

I miss Allison and she's straight and I loved her when I lived in Mississippi, two weeks before I knew I was moving here. Hearing that I got this job was the best and saddest news I had ever heard: first professional job, leaving a love unknown. And she never knew how much I really liked her. I am a mess right now. I think I know who I am, all together, and just....not pieced together. "everything is wrong" as Lucinda Williams puts it. She's singing right now.

Is this how Dad felt when he was this drunk? But he was not so apt to write so what'd he do? Bet. Gamble. Drink more. Never hit Mom but might as well as have what he yelled at her all the time. Threaten to leave every Friday and Saturday night. In my doorway I am hoping that he'd leave. Go to sleep. Wake once to him pissing in my doorway. This is truth. This is my history. I listen at my doorway to r-rated movies, sex scenes, after bedtime hour, and learn and yearn.

I miss love. I miss comfort beside me in bed. I am lonely but I do not want pity. I do not want someone to be kind "just-because." Do not feel sorry. I hate that. I sense it so don't dare.

I am virgo. Am not "the virgin." I know things you'd never think I'd know. I am private yet open. I am not innocent but nor guilty either. I am not your angel slut. I am not your prostitute in bed and perfect woman about town, but then again, I can be if I choose to be so. I know my role. I am not the woman of anyone's dreams. But I know what I can do to make you happy. I know what makes me happy. I know buttons I can push. I am a sexual being and there is no denying that. I may seem prudish, but I am not if you are open to me.

I know (sometimes) when someone has a crush on me. I know when I have a crush on someone else. I know what I am capable of doing, what is "right" and yet I cannot make up my mind sometimes whether or not to pursue or not. I could do anything, but at the same time I feel I have some kind of obligatory responsibility. you do not know how tempting it is. I do not know if it is right to pursue that which pursues me or to let it go.

I am being vague. Do not attempt to translate unless you feel it applies to you.
I am drunk. I warn you. And this is rare, this kind of drunkeness. very rare.

Outside on my porch again.... Lucinda keeps singing...

"Come on, come on, sing the boys in the choir, come on, come on, sing it higher and higher.... " - Lucinda Williams, "Atonement"

Instead of drunk dialing I drunk post. yeah. That is good. Yeah Laura, written record of your insanity. That is real good.

archive: 4 november 2005: another annoyance

I told my mom last night about this new guy who annoys me outta my mind. Told her about some of the things he does. Its just common curtesy and general manners that gets on my nerves, not recognizing the different places and people you can behave certain ways toward.

example one: tagging along with me to lunch Wednesday without asking if he can join me, and we don't already have a comraderie of sorts. If I am friends with you already, you don't have to ask me if you can join me for lunch. I'd be delighted. But if I don't know you hardly at all, then just ask. I don't like it when strangers assume anything about me. I give friends the "oh you're silly" benefit if they assume something about me. But I don't want to be friends with this guy.

example two: Ok, during morning break there are two boxes of Trivial Pursuit cards, BabyBoomer and 80s. I read an 80s card and Harry reads a card from the BabyBoomer box. Its understood that those people have those roles. If one of us is not here that day, then someone else can read their card. Harry's not here today, so the BabyBoomer card is up for grabs to whoever wants to read it, but I am here to read my 80s card questions to the group. But I get into the breakroom and Dude has the 80s box in front of him and Shannon's got the BabyBoomer. I didn't say anything. I wanted to take my box. hehe.

Just... GAH! I told Mom that this weekend I was going to have to readjust my attitude about this or something. So I do hope I do not run into him this weekend during Homecoming 'cause I really really need my weekends away from this guy. He sucks my energy and mental space and time.

I know I am sounding petty. I really need to take some time out this weekend (probably Sunday) and hike or walk 3 miles or something. Something peaceful and productive and regenerative. Something centering.
---------------------------------
In other news.... I want to go see a movie. I know, I have two movies to watch at home, and maybe I will still do that, but I kinda wanna watch Elizabethtown. :) There's other movies I really want to see but they aren't showing in Richmond. I do need to go to Lexington soon, but maybe I will do that next week.

archive: 4 november 2005: attractions

hrmm....
Just for the record...
crushes, ie, people I find attractive...
count comes to....
2 people who would probably never guess, and probably can't happen,
2 fun people who are friends but may not be interested in anything more,
1 friend back in MS,
1 someone who will never know I've had a crush on her,
2 people who don't know me much at all,
1 someone I surprised myself for finding attractive.

Comes to a total of 9 people I find attractive and might would consider dating, depending on circumstances or whatnot. I know. Crazy, huh? ahh... That's ok. Some of them know I am attracted to them. And honestly, once I have a crush or feel attracted to someone, it never completely goes away. They'd have to be really mean or do something hateful to make me not like them at all anymore.

Ok. That said, back to work. Sorry for the overload of posts! haha

archive: 3 november 2005: two poems and an ex's eyes

For tonight's poetry class I needed to write two poems, one in open form and one in fixed form. I chose a villanelle form for the fixed one. I sat at the counter during lunch and took a long while to think of something to write about. My poetry tends to be fairly autobiographical, exploring what I have witnessed and how I felt about it. I like the open form version best because it suits me best. I said exactly what I wanted to say. But when I had to take the same subject and put it into the villanelle, it was almost impossible not change some of the sentiments of the situation.

A few of you all were at the Amy Ray concert at The Dame a few weeks ago. My ex was there, and this is, for the most part, how I felt about that.

I haven't titled it yet..... Ideas?

Open Form:

Amy Ray on the stage –
red tee and plaid pants –
booming bass and melody
out of the tall speakers standing
over me, almost overwhelming.
The chords crowd the air
as feet dance crowded beats.
Streetlights and car lights filter
in the door with cropped haircuts,
purses, smiles, and smokers.

A friend alongside me,
Amber Bock in my hand,
I look down the long bar
past women holding hands,
bartender opening beer bottles,
and see at the end, her.

All night I never saw her
eyes looking back at me.
I knew she saw me.

Fixed Form: Villanelle

Never saw her eyes see me at the bar
when she walked in under The Dame’s streetlight.
Chords crowd on stage from Amy Ray’s guitar.

Cropped haircuts, purse-strings, and smoker’s cigar
mill around by the bartender. Tonight
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar.

Booming bass unknown on my NPR
and melody of hope to reignite;
Eyes steady on Ray’s electric guitar.

Women holding hands, smiles, laughter: all are
basked in bottle glare. And in her own right,
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar.

Amber Bock in my hand, a friend not far
away, speakers’ loud pound, and I delight
to dance, to sing, to see Amy’s guitar.

Though the star of her eyes is my own scar,
I know she saw me that midsummer night.
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar,
but not always were on Amy’s guitar.

......
So, the second one makes it sound like I wanted to get back together with her. I do miss her, wish she would allow us to be friends, but that's her choice and I can't change it, just abide by it. But I do miss her smile and her eyes. But no, my feelings that night was not anywhere near the want to get back with her. Actually, my feelings were quite split ALL night long.

archive: 3 november 2005: sexuality and hints

I just got off the phone with my mom. In part of the conversation she mentioned Harvey. Let me tell you about Harvey. When my brother-in-law first enlisted in the Air Force, he met up with a couple of interesting guys. Gregg and two of the guys, Harvey included, came to visit at my mom's house. I don't remember what grade I was in, maybe 9th? or 10th? But after they had left, my sister had commented to me that Harvey had told her that he had been impressed by me. He and I had talked about some things, what I don't remember at all. Nice enough guy, but kinda reminds me of Elvis Costello in appearance. Kinda cute, kinda nerdy or geeky. Anyway, Mom is like... Harvey is back, and he's in Cincinnati. *very very subtle hint from Mom* Oh, I say, In Cincinnati. Cool. Changes subject.

You see... I am going to have to have a real conversation with mom about my sexuality. I want to ask some questions, her honest real opinion. I think she really needs to know a few things. I also think she would rather think its a phase or something. Its not. I'm queer. I am more myself as a lesbian now than I ever was as straight in Mississippi.