It suddenly dawned on me today... MBH and I have been together almost 11 months now. Well, I have been keeping track the months and all, but something else dawned on me, and left me feeling nervous...
I dated Mark: 10 months...
I dated Mike: 11 months...
other exes are shorter, 2-3 months. They sucked ass.
But... MBH I don't want to lose. Its like, I am waiting for the ball to drop or something. Like, okay, the romance gameshow host says, "we gave you 11 months of wonderful bliss, and now we're going to take it ALL away!" I am waiting for something bad to happen... I don't want anything to happen. I don't believe that anything bad will... because, we do what we should do: we work through things. I have problems, we talk. He has problems, we talk. Then we hug, and then go do happy things. Who wants to go through life sad and angry? I think his outlook on life is just to have a good time, be happy in multiple kinds of ways (physically, mentally, in work, and in social life) and everything...
But... what if? I have no secrets, so there is nothing from me that would end anything. I don't believe he has any secrets, because he's so open with me...
So why am I even worried? Cause I have never been with someone for a full year. Its always been 10 or 11 months.
agh! Maybe its time for me to get off the computer for the night and go about getting my pictures and albums all organized. I am going to show some of my best photos to the art teachers on Monday. :) Maybe they will have suggestions and maybe (maybe?) I can frame and show them in the gallery one day? Sell them? Maybe? wow... I wonder... :) Hell! Maybe I can sell them from my website!!??!!
At least I got my mind off the "other shoe thats going to drop."
Friday, January 25, 2002
Tuesday, January 22, 2002
archives: 22 january 2002: hooters and poetry
the weekend was great, but busy... and there seemed to be a lot of time spent in the car... MBH noticed this, and at first I was defensive about it, but, yes... we did spend a lot of time driving and riding everywhere. *sigh*
But he got his Christmas present from his dad, this super good-looking long wool coat, lined and spectacular. He looks classy. A friend of mine said he likes anything "Old English fart-like" lol... ok... but then again, so do I, I guess. Doesn't matter to me, he looks good in it. :)
Saturday was probably our busiest day, but I don't remember everything that happened. I remember spending time together at his mom's house, then going out to dinner with his dad and all... and getting the coat afterwards. Sunday was busy too with a couple of friends, going to Barnes and Noble and then Waffle House.
I recalled standing in line somewhere and someone mentioning that there was now a Hooters in Jackson. I thought that was slightly interesting, and maybe MBH and I would go eat there sometime. I mentioned that idea to him and he laughed and agreed... and then made a comment that I should have just laughed about, but instead I felt insecure about it. He said something about having eaten there before (I knew this, cause he went with J.C. in Birmingham) and noticing the tight shorts... and so I was like, oh... so you were looking at their butts, huh? Laughing and then, haha, "yeah, and other things were nice too" (something along those lines) and this left me feeling self-conscious. I don't like knowing that the person I love is looking and noticing other girls and how big their boobs are to mine, and how small or big their butts are to mine... I don't compare to those "good-figured girls."
But I also have to remind myself that he appreciates more about me that what is physical. BUT... I still don't feel good about him looking at other girls like that. What's a girl supposed to think and feel about that? The first thing that comes into a girl's head is "My boobs aren't big enough," or "I'm not pretty enough" That's just the shortened version of it... the full thought is: "I'm not pretty enough for him to not look at any other girl like that."
And yet, I remind myself that things are not that way between us. I think it simply helps to hear physical compliments sometimes too. And he does that, sometimes, on occassion. Anyway, other than those few thoughts, everything is okay.
I am thinking of a poem though... One that kinda came to me during work today, cause I was noticing age difference and importance between myself and the students that I am around, high school kids. It'll be a nice poem (I hope) if I figure out how to work it.
okay, long enough entry.... later!
But he got his Christmas present from his dad, this super good-looking long wool coat, lined and spectacular. He looks classy. A friend of mine said he likes anything "Old English fart-like" lol... ok... but then again, so do I, I guess. Doesn't matter to me, he looks good in it. :)
Saturday was probably our busiest day, but I don't remember everything that happened. I remember spending time together at his mom's house, then going out to dinner with his dad and all... and getting the coat afterwards. Sunday was busy too with a couple of friends, going to Barnes and Noble and then Waffle House.
I recalled standing in line somewhere and someone mentioning that there was now a Hooters in Jackson. I thought that was slightly interesting, and maybe MBH and I would go eat there sometime. I mentioned that idea to him and he laughed and agreed... and then made a comment that I should have just laughed about, but instead I felt insecure about it. He said something about having eaten there before (I knew this, cause he went with J.C. in Birmingham) and noticing the tight shorts... and so I was like, oh... so you were looking at their butts, huh? Laughing and then, haha, "yeah, and other things were nice too" (something along those lines) and this left me feeling self-conscious. I don't like knowing that the person I love is looking and noticing other girls and how big their boobs are to mine, and how small or big their butts are to mine... I don't compare to those "good-figured girls."
But I also have to remind myself that he appreciates more about me that what is physical. BUT... I still don't feel good about him looking at other girls like that. What's a girl supposed to think and feel about that? The first thing that comes into a girl's head is "My boobs aren't big enough," or "I'm not pretty enough" That's just the shortened version of it... the full thought is: "I'm not pretty enough for him to not look at any other girl like that."
And yet, I remind myself that things are not that way between us. I think it simply helps to hear physical compliments sometimes too. And he does that, sometimes, on occassion. Anyway, other than those few thoughts, everything is okay.
I am thinking of a poem though... One that kinda came to me during work today, cause I was noticing age difference and importance between myself and the students that I am around, high school kids. It'll be a nice poem (I hope) if I figure out how to work it.
okay, long enough entry.... later!
Sunday, January 20, 2002
archive: 20 january 2002: disappointment
Hmph... So, what did I get from my boyfriend for Christmas? I got a notebook of his that I have seen many times before. Whats different about this notebook is that its got some poetry, some class notes, some LARP stuff, a few attempts at short stories, and then at the end (the better part) he wrote a short story with the Tolkien setting for it... Myself and some of our female friends were in it, and himself and the Elven King too. After this story, there was this nicely-done intimately-done sketch of me. And next to that a poem by Yeats. On the very last page was a dedication of this "book of change" to me. Its an interesting and heartfelt idea... but...
And when he gave me that he told me that he had something else to give me, but that he still had to get something in order to be able to give it to me. I figured this was something that cost money and so figured I had to wait until his financial aid check came in. I had no real conception of what this gift might be... but...
SO... finally tonight I reminded him of it myself... I asked, "Can I ask you a question without you getting weird about it?" We were laying together, spooned, on my bed (clothed) for a little while, just to be comfortable together for a while. He can't sleep in my bed at my parents' house. They feel extremely weird and wrong about that idea. Besides, Dad is weird. Anyway, so he says go ahead... I ask, "Remember when I came up after Christmas and you gave me the journal and told me that was my Christmas present?" He says, "yeah..." And i continue, "And then you told me that there was something else you wanted to give but that you didn't have something for it and couldn't give it to me yet?" And then he remembers and tells me that he had wanted to make me a CD of some music off his computer.
*heart drops*
*sigh*
I tell him that would be nice, but I don't tell him that wasn't what I had in mind. I wasn't expecting something like that. I can make my own CDs... I have a CD-burner.
I want something special. I guess I want him to BUY me something... I know that sounds bad and materialistic and all... but... wouldn't that say something more?
I'm disappointed even though I knew I wasn't going to get something special from him. I knew that he wouldn't have anything for me as a Christmas present until the day I got there, cause the night before he stayed up all night writing the story and sketching the picture. He told me that.
My birthday was the same: We went to the mall. We sat down on a bench. He told me he would be right back. He went into JC Penny's. Ran into a friend there, Hooper, and he bought my present there. (THIS IS ON THE VERY DAY OF MY BIRTHDAY!) Later that night he gives it to me... Its a very pretty ring. I wear it all the time. Its just the fact that he didn't get it BEFORE I was up there. He doesn't get things in advance. He waits until the last minute.
What do I want? I want gifts. But I guess I want thoughtful yet store-bought. I like the self-made stuff too.... BUT.... how much did I spend on his Christmas? I can't remember, but its more than what a composition notebook and a blank CD-RW costs. I'm not rating things in cost... I am saying that I put too much money on this relationship and I am not getting anything in return but love... I don't know what that says about me. I want something tangible. I want a significant gift.
For a time there, when I was in Oxford during that week, I kept thinking that maybe he would ask me THE question. I would have been happy enough with that as the other Christmas present. You don't have to have the engagement ring yet in order to ask someone. I just got my hopes up because my imagination was going super-fly crazy and hoping for the extra-special best.
I am too much of a romantic for this relationship. I am going to get disappointed because he's never going to spontaneously do something romantic out of the blue... cause, he says, "I'm not like that. I can't do that." BULLSHIT! Why can't a guy be romantic sometimes? Surprise me with candles lit up in the bedroom, soft music playing, and some lovingly passionate love-making will definitely follow. That will make me happy.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy right now... Just that I get very disappointed and dismayed when little dreams come crashing down all around me... And its not like I dream these things up on purpose! The idea just pops in my head, "maybe he'll do this...." and its hard as hell to say to yourself, "no, he wouldn't ever do that." It gets sad.
He so sweet sometimes... but I also want him to be romantic. I like to be wooed and I like knowing that he finds it important or worthwhile to do such romantic things.
*sigh* I am tired. I just had to get some of this off my mind.
And when he gave me that he told me that he had something else to give me, but that he still had to get something in order to be able to give it to me. I figured this was something that cost money and so figured I had to wait until his financial aid check came in. I had no real conception of what this gift might be... but...
SO... finally tonight I reminded him of it myself... I asked, "Can I ask you a question without you getting weird about it?" We were laying together, spooned, on my bed (clothed) for a little while, just to be comfortable together for a while. He can't sleep in my bed at my parents' house. They feel extremely weird and wrong about that idea. Besides, Dad is weird. Anyway, so he says go ahead... I ask, "Remember when I came up after Christmas and you gave me the journal and told me that was my Christmas present?" He says, "yeah..." And i continue, "And then you told me that there was something else you wanted to give but that you didn't have something for it and couldn't give it to me yet?" And then he remembers and tells me that he had wanted to make me a CD of some music off his computer.
*heart drops*
*sigh*
I tell him that would be nice, but I don't tell him that wasn't what I had in mind. I wasn't expecting something like that. I can make my own CDs... I have a CD-burner.
I want something special. I guess I want him to BUY me something... I know that sounds bad and materialistic and all... but... wouldn't that say something more?
I'm disappointed even though I knew I wasn't going to get something special from him. I knew that he wouldn't have anything for me as a Christmas present until the day I got there, cause the night before he stayed up all night writing the story and sketching the picture. He told me that.
My birthday was the same: We went to the mall. We sat down on a bench. He told me he would be right back. He went into JC Penny's. Ran into a friend there, Hooper, and he bought my present there. (THIS IS ON THE VERY DAY OF MY BIRTHDAY!) Later that night he gives it to me... Its a very pretty ring. I wear it all the time. Its just the fact that he didn't get it BEFORE I was up there. He doesn't get things in advance. He waits until the last minute.
What do I want? I want gifts. But I guess I want thoughtful yet store-bought. I like the self-made stuff too.... BUT.... how much did I spend on his Christmas? I can't remember, but its more than what a composition notebook and a blank CD-RW costs. I'm not rating things in cost... I am saying that I put too much money on this relationship and I am not getting anything in return but love... I don't know what that says about me. I want something tangible. I want a significant gift.
For a time there, when I was in Oxford during that week, I kept thinking that maybe he would ask me THE question. I would have been happy enough with that as the other Christmas present. You don't have to have the engagement ring yet in order to ask someone. I just got my hopes up because my imagination was going super-fly crazy and hoping for the extra-special best.
I am too much of a romantic for this relationship. I am going to get disappointed because he's never going to spontaneously do something romantic out of the blue... cause, he says, "I'm not like that. I can't do that." BULLSHIT! Why can't a guy be romantic sometimes? Surprise me with candles lit up in the bedroom, soft music playing, and some lovingly passionate love-making will definitely follow. That will make me happy.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy right now... Just that I get very disappointed and dismayed when little dreams come crashing down all around me... And its not like I dream these things up on purpose! The idea just pops in my head, "maybe he'll do this...." and its hard as hell to say to yourself, "no, he wouldn't ever do that." It gets sad.
He so sweet sometimes... but I also want him to be romantic. I like to be wooed and I like knowing that he finds it important or worthwhile to do such romantic things.
*sigh* I am tired. I just had to get some of this off my mind.
Friday, January 18, 2002
archive: 18 january 2002: been thinking...
Hmph... somewhat recent events and new knowledge / understanding has re-opened my eyes once again. Its weird how I have cycles into this realm and into that realm. The realms of sexuality.
I have considered it. There have been times I nearly came close to suggesting it to a friend of mine that I rarely ever see, and usually in passing... but see, for the last 10 or 12 months I have known she's a lesbian. Her name is G. G, for me, represents the possibility of "trying out" the impulses or desires or urges to see what another girl is like... BUT... its like she's loose with everyone she knows and I wouldn't even know if she'd be up to that. BUT... that chance is all gone now too, because last week she told me she was moving away, that I needed to get in touch with her before Sunday, and I forgot. So I don't know where she's moved to, whether somewhere else in the city, state, region... I dunno. I dunno if she even has a girlfriend, much less a lover, or just looking for that perfect love like the rest of us.
But there have been other discussions and events happening, amongst friends I care deeply about, even for having known them for so short a time already... they are my best friends now. And learning this new thing has brought up curiousities once again. But my chance couldn't happen with either one of them for a variety of reasons... they are learning about each other, and they are fairly close friends with me and my boyfriend.
But the boyfriend also presents another thought... that I couldn't go all the way through it, or if I did, it would be purely sexual. I love my boyfriend... this is someone I value more than anything else. I think about him and us together, and everything... and there's a bond there that nothing can compete with. Friendships definitely compare to it, but on their own level. There are intimacies between a boyfriend and girlfriend that are not only sexual... there are ones that are so deeply emotional that you can't label them anything other than love. The intimacies between close female friends are those of honesty and trust, loyalty and respect... a girl could know every bit of detail of my life, but she wouldn't know the intimacy I have with my boyfriend... not as long as I am straight. lol...
I don't know... maybe one day I will reach a point where I would be willing to try something like this, with or without him there, but also with his full knowledge and understanding... And my own willingness to accept that part of me... maybe it could be emotional, on some level comparable to the emotions I have with him. I won't know until I try it... one day.
For now, I don't know exactly what to think of my new information. Its surprising, yes. Its definitely not what I was expecting, yes. But do I find it unacceptable, no. Its perfectly fine... I love these two people... they are dear friends and I only hope that they are doing things that make them happy. As long as no one gets hurt in the end, then all is great. I don't know either of them that well to know whether or not either one of them is confused or just running away from something else. I can't make a judgement call like that unless I had known them for a long long time...
Though, I have had one of the weirdest dreams before... and its the first dream I have had with these two people in it. I was in my room, and stuff began to happen. (I am not putting details here) And one started off having one color hair and later the hair changed to another color hair. I knew who the hair colors represented. And I woke up somewhat satisfied and bewildered. Confused. I couldn't ever ask either of them for anything anywhere near like that... because... 1) they are learning it themselves now, and 2) they wouldn't.
Anyway, I couldn't type this in my OD because too many people read it. I made this entry's security level so that only my livejournal friends could read it... Maybe later I will undo that setting... but for now, it stays.
EDIT 11/16/2004: the two girls I talk about in here never did anything sexual. It was a joke they were playing on someone else, through the use of a LJ, and I was gulliable and believed it. They couldn't tell me that it wasn't true (just yet) because that would have blown the joke. The wanted to see what someone's response to that would have been. It was really funny though. :)
I have considered it. There have been times I nearly came close to suggesting it to a friend of mine that I rarely ever see, and usually in passing... but see, for the last 10 or 12 months I have known she's a lesbian. Her name is G. G, for me, represents the possibility of "trying out" the impulses or desires or urges to see what another girl is like... BUT... its like she's loose with everyone she knows and I wouldn't even know if she'd be up to that. BUT... that chance is all gone now too, because last week she told me she was moving away, that I needed to get in touch with her before Sunday, and I forgot. So I don't know where she's moved to, whether somewhere else in the city, state, region... I dunno. I dunno if she even has a girlfriend, much less a lover, or just looking for that perfect love like the rest of us.
But there have been other discussions and events happening, amongst friends I care deeply about, even for having known them for so short a time already... they are my best friends now. And learning this new thing has brought up curiousities once again. But my chance couldn't happen with either one of them for a variety of reasons... they are learning about each other, and they are fairly close friends with me and my boyfriend.
But the boyfriend also presents another thought... that I couldn't go all the way through it, or if I did, it would be purely sexual. I love my boyfriend... this is someone I value more than anything else. I think about him and us together, and everything... and there's a bond there that nothing can compete with. Friendships definitely compare to it, but on their own level. There are intimacies between a boyfriend and girlfriend that are not only sexual... there are ones that are so deeply emotional that you can't label them anything other than love. The intimacies between close female friends are those of honesty and trust, loyalty and respect... a girl could know every bit of detail of my life, but she wouldn't know the intimacy I have with my boyfriend... not as long as I am straight. lol...
I don't know... maybe one day I will reach a point where I would be willing to try something like this, with or without him there, but also with his full knowledge and understanding... And my own willingness to accept that part of me... maybe it could be emotional, on some level comparable to the emotions I have with him. I won't know until I try it... one day.
For now, I don't know exactly what to think of my new information. Its surprising, yes. Its definitely not what I was expecting, yes. But do I find it unacceptable, no. Its perfectly fine... I love these two people... they are dear friends and I only hope that they are doing things that make them happy. As long as no one gets hurt in the end, then all is great. I don't know either of them that well to know whether or not either one of them is confused or just running away from something else. I can't make a judgement call like that unless I had known them for a long long time...
Though, I have had one of the weirdest dreams before... and its the first dream I have had with these two people in it. I was in my room, and stuff began to happen. (I am not putting details here) And one started off having one color hair and later the hair changed to another color hair. I knew who the hair colors represented. And I woke up somewhat satisfied and bewildered. Confused. I couldn't ever ask either of them for anything anywhere near like that... because... 1) they are learning it themselves now, and 2) they wouldn't.
Anyway, I couldn't type this in my OD because too many people read it. I made this entry's security level so that only my livejournal friends could read it... Maybe later I will undo that setting... but for now, it stays.
EDIT 11/16/2004: the two girls I talk about in here never did anything sexual. It was a joke they were playing on someone else, through the use of a LJ, and I was gulliable and believed it. They couldn't tell me that it wasn't true (just yet) because that would have blown the joke. The wanted to see what someone's response to that would have been. It was really funny though. :)
Thursday, January 17, 2002
archive: 17 january 2002: grants and homework
I don't know what I want. I can't believe that I am in a MLIS class. Do I really want to be a librarian? I wouldn't mind being something of a Oral Historian... Oral History Librarian, if there ever is such a thing. Hmph.. how about I create my own job! Hey Government dudes! I have this great idea for a government job, as a Oral History Librarian... and well, I fit that position! Make this position available and available only to me! Bruwhahahhahaha!
Well... I have to remind myself to work some on the madison county churches project. Tonight I am going to scan some articles and see how the images hold up when they are put on the internet. If it works out, then this page could very quickly grow by temporarily having all those articles up in graphic form. Later, I will have some kind of software on here that will convert those graphics articles into text. I have written and highlightened some of my copies, so I wouldn't want that on the webpage, but if anything, I will scan those too if just to hold a place until I scan a cleaner copy. There is much to do, much to do... And I want to take pictures... I don't exactly want to visit these churches on Sunday, attend the services and everything, and take pictures there. But I might end up doing that for a lot of them. I would hope that a lot of the time I could meet the pastor or preacher or priest there and interview them in the church. Take portrait or two of them, and very likely also interview a member of the congregation, someone elderly most likely, who knows the church and all its wonderful stories and miracles and such. I am not a religious person, but I do value this project and would handle it with the upmost respect for those interviews and the information provided. Its something I would love working on all day, like a regular working day... just give me an office for it, file cabinets and plenty of funding, and I will be on my merry way. I wish I could do it without having a "full-time" daytime job. ugh... oh well... I must, must remember to get my aunt to help me write a grant. Maybe sometime soon I will make an appointment to visit her at work or at home and we'll talk over it. :)
well, I better get back to working on that summary and self-assessment for this book. ugh!
Well... I have to remind myself to work some on the madison county churches project. Tonight I am going to scan some articles and see how the images hold up when they are put on the internet. If it works out, then this page could very quickly grow by temporarily having all those articles up in graphic form. Later, I will have some kind of software on here that will convert those graphics articles into text. I have written and highlightened some of my copies, so I wouldn't want that on the webpage, but if anything, I will scan those too if just to hold a place until I scan a cleaner copy. There is much to do, much to do... And I want to take pictures... I don't exactly want to visit these churches on Sunday, attend the services and everything, and take pictures there. But I might end up doing that for a lot of them. I would hope that a lot of the time I could meet the pastor or preacher or priest there and interview them in the church. Take portrait or two of them, and very likely also interview a member of the congregation, someone elderly most likely, who knows the church and all its wonderful stories and miracles and such. I am not a religious person, but I do value this project and would handle it with the upmost respect for those interviews and the information provided. Its something I would love working on all day, like a regular working day... just give me an office for it, file cabinets and plenty of funding, and I will be on my merry way. I wish I could do it without having a "full-time" daytime job. ugh... oh well... I must, must remember to get my aunt to help me write a grant. Maybe sometime soon I will make an appointment to visit her at work or at home and we'll talk over it. :)
well, I better get back to working on that summary and self-assessment for this book. ugh!
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
archive: 16 january 2002: poem written in B&N
Patterns
Step into this place,
familiar surroundings
and everyday routine.
Walk your worn path,
tracing steps and patterns
to see the differences.
Notice random faces
study texts or sip coffee
while gazing at magazines.
Pattern despises change.
One day a familiar face
confuses the set defaults,
and a person of patterns
loses control.
What to do? What to be?
Where to go?
Turn around, confront not
the change that occurs.
Patterns return another day.
Okay, so I saw a girl I knew last year who used to teach at the school I work at. She was reading something in B&N in the cafe. I came in to get my mocha. I don't know if she saw me or not. I like her okay, she's nice enough. But sometimes I feel my "inferiority" with some of these people. Maybe I am only labeling myself. Maybe I am just as intellectual as the rest of them, but still... I don't feel intelligent. I feel quite ignorant when I cannot think of the words to describe something, to hold a conversation about daily events, world events, etc etc etc... I have lost any intelligence I once had, or else it feels like that. And the weirdest thing is, I've not used any kind of hallucigens in my whole life, so that can't even be my excuse!
I read a short poem today in B&N that sounded much like my boyfriend's own writing, yet its from someone so very famous and classic:
"A little learning is a dang'rous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
And drinking largely sobers us again."
~ Alexander Pope
That short poem is saying that one should learn great mountains of knowledge, because only learning a little bit can be quite dangerous. The ignorant who thinks he knows everything is more dangerous than the educated who knows wiser.
One that note, I close...
Step into this place,
familiar surroundings
and everyday routine.
Walk your worn path,
tracing steps and patterns
to see the differences.
Notice random faces
study texts or sip coffee
while gazing at magazines.
Pattern despises change.
One day a familiar face
confuses the set defaults,
and a person of patterns
loses control.
What to do? What to be?
Where to go?
Turn around, confront not
the change that occurs.
Patterns return another day.
Okay, so I saw a girl I knew last year who used to teach at the school I work at. She was reading something in B&N in the cafe. I came in to get my mocha. I don't know if she saw me or not. I like her okay, she's nice enough. But sometimes I feel my "inferiority" with some of these people. Maybe I am only labeling myself. Maybe I am just as intellectual as the rest of them, but still... I don't feel intelligent. I feel quite ignorant when I cannot think of the words to describe something, to hold a conversation about daily events, world events, etc etc etc... I have lost any intelligence I once had, or else it feels like that. And the weirdest thing is, I've not used any kind of hallucigens in my whole life, so that can't even be my excuse!
I read a short poem today in B&N that sounded much like my boyfriend's own writing, yet its from someone so very famous and classic:
"A little learning is a dang'rous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
And drinking largely sobers us again."
~ Alexander Pope
That short poem is saying that one should learn great mountains of knowledge, because only learning a little bit can be quite dangerous. The ignorant who thinks he knows everything is more dangerous than the educated who knows wiser.
One that note, I close...
archive: 16 january 2002: gotta bitch
Ok... sometimes men just piss me off. Sometimes they rock. Sometimes they're all sweet and intelligent and all the things you want them to be... and then...
And then its like they get their head stuck in some crack and they don't seem to remember to do anything that you wish that they would do. Oh, sometimes they do a little of what you ask, but then they don't do all of what you ask. Tell me more than just a little bit! "gone to see a movie" OKAY! So tell me what movie you're gone to see!!! I mean, if he's not going to spend time chatting with me (after a day of not getting the chance to) then tell me more about whats going on. Or was there that much of a rush to go? (looks at time idle on AIM, deducts time to get to other city for movie theatre....) Okay... so he didn't seem to have much time I guess... BUT STILL! *sigh* I dunno what I am asking...
I guess I am just bitching cause I am here, he is there, and the distance drives me crazy. And I expect certain things to happen and when they don't happen, I am highly disappointed. Not a good habit, and I have tried to not do it as much, but... its impossible for me not to do it. Just the idea that he most likely would have been at his apartment seemed logical to me. I certainly didn't expect the pattern to change and for him to go off with a good friend of his to see a movie... *sigh* damnit. I am running myself into my own wall.
Maybe I need to go back to a counselor. I went to one while I was having problems with Mike. But I am not having problems with my boyfriend now, I am having problems with myself. In the past, I went to sort out my feelings, to figure out exactly who I was. She and I didn't always talk about my relationship with Mike and why I wasn't happy. We talked about my issue with short skirts, male attention and my dislike for the physical attention that they give off, etc etc... I think I need to know why I "need" to build expectations all the time and then when I am confronted with something other than what I expected, I am surprised, confused, upset, disappointed. Why must I make these expectations? Is it so wrong to expect things a certain way, things that seem to be reasonable to me?
At times I have a wonderful sense of well-being, or make myself feel like I do, and then other times I just want to crawl under a stone and stay there until the world ends. But then.... I wouldn't be with MBH anymore if I did that.
hmm... and a counselor? I can't afford that right now! My budget is slim slim slim... Especially after that wreck in december. And I want my damn car back! I am tired of this stupid rental car! *goes off mumbling bitchiness under her breath*
Click here for a pop-up page of the lyrics for "under your skin" by luscious jackson
And then its like they get their head stuck in some crack and they don't seem to remember to do anything that you wish that they would do. Oh, sometimes they do a little of what you ask, but then they don't do all of what you ask. Tell me more than just a little bit! "gone to see a movie" OKAY! So tell me what movie you're gone to see!!! I mean, if he's not going to spend time chatting with me (after a day of not getting the chance to) then tell me more about whats going on. Or was there that much of a rush to go? (looks at time idle on AIM, deducts time to get to other city for movie theatre....) Okay... so he didn't seem to have much time I guess... BUT STILL! *sigh* I dunno what I am asking...
I guess I am just bitching cause I am here, he is there, and the distance drives me crazy. And I expect certain things to happen and when they don't happen, I am highly disappointed. Not a good habit, and I have tried to not do it as much, but... its impossible for me not to do it. Just the idea that he most likely would have been at his apartment seemed logical to me. I certainly didn't expect the pattern to change and for him to go off with a good friend of his to see a movie... *sigh* damnit. I am running myself into my own wall.
Maybe I need to go back to a counselor. I went to one while I was having problems with Mike. But I am not having problems with my boyfriend now, I am having problems with myself. In the past, I went to sort out my feelings, to figure out exactly who I was. She and I didn't always talk about my relationship with Mike and why I wasn't happy. We talked about my issue with short skirts, male attention and my dislike for the physical attention that they give off, etc etc... I think I need to know why I "need" to build expectations all the time and then when I am confronted with something other than what I expected, I am surprised, confused, upset, disappointed. Why must I make these expectations? Is it so wrong to expect things a certain way, things that seem to be reasonable to me?
At times I have a wonderful sense of well-being, or make myself feel like I do, and then other times I just want to crawl under a stone and stay there until the world ends. But then.... I wouldn't be with MBH anymore if I did that.
hmm... and a counselor? I can't afford that right now! My budget is slim slim slim... Especially after that wreck in december. And I want my damn car back! I am tired of this stupid rental car! *goes off mumbling bitchiness under her breath*
Click here for a pop-up page of the lyrics for "under your skin" by luscious jackson
archive: 16 january 2002: thinking about my man
*sigh* To be in his arms right now, being held close, a kiss on my cheek, neck, tip of my nose...
When I go to Oxford I don't stay at a friend's house like my father thinks. My mother knows where I stay. I am safe. And responsible. But the tender sweetness for the last 10 months have been and will always be what keeps me going...
Sometimes, I don't think he knows he says the most wonderful things. I would butcher his words if I were to try to quote him... and besides, they are words from him to me alone. love is gentle and beautiful.
I wish I was going up there this weekend. I found out its going to be a long weekend and now I wanna go stay up there. But my sister and nephew will come down for the weekend and I haven't seen them in a while. My nephew is 10 months old as of today, the 16th. :)
Is it strange to remember how old my nephew is by gaging it to how long MBH and I have been together? MBH and I started dating on March 5th, when we first met (kinda). My nephew was born on the 16th of March. lol... kinda convenient, huh?
Christmas was good. MBH gave this journal he has had for a long time, and included some little captions here and there, and included a short story, and a drawing of me... and it was so very sweet. He said that he might have something else for me, but that he couldn't get it yet or something? I have been curious about that, but not asking about it cause that would be weird, especially if he's forgotten about whatever idea it was he had. Woah, I miss my long "vacation" in Oxford. I should have called down to Barnett's that Wednesday, cause then I would have known that I could stay longer, because my car wasn't going to be ready for another week, they say... damnit!!!!!! I get screwed, huh? I guess there will be plenty of other times to stay there with him... time will pass, and closer we'll be. I know its there.
Gawd, I wish I was still in college, there in O-town... and didn't have to work all blasted day in-doors... I so want to be OUTSIDE! Whatever was I thinking when I applied? Some of the students are great... I miss a few of the girls who graduated last year, and this year there's a few that will find themselves in O-town too. I will probably run into them from time to time then... if MBH is still up there, and surely he and I would go there for visits with my gal-pals D and C and whoever else...
Oh god... and weird as can be, one of my exes is up there somewhere at UM too... computer science major now. Hmph... What would be the wierdest day is MBH and I doing something (Bistro or something) and then in comes in A, the ex. Now, there's now hard feelings between A and me at all. Quite cordial and friendly whenever we meet in passing. But still... I am glad I am quite satisfied with MBH physically, cause A is very similar in that area... MBH is better not just because he loves me, but because he shows he loves me... I don't know how to explain or differentiate that any more without being... umm, graphic. :P But, I wouldn't mind them meeting at all. Actually, A is a LOT like MBH's brother... I mean, they're practically identical in personalities, except the brother is satisfied with this one girl, the one he's been seeing for two years. :)
A friend asked me Sunday what religion I was... Was a Christian? I said "generally I am a Christian." I'm not even quite positive about that even... I mean, when do I ever give God any gratitude other than the "oh, god..." and the "thank you god" I whisper or mumble from time to time... And how much of sex is spiritual? I think that it is... with one you love. Anything less is not spiritual. A connection between two of his children, signifying a bond between them not for anything but love. I certainly don't suggest teenagers to go out and have sex and yada yada yada... cause I didn't do anything until I was 21 or 22. And I'm 25 now! ahh... I don't have to defend myself. I have made good choices, and choices that have led me to the one single person who understands me fully. His love is my greatest treasure.
This is getting long... I am just pensive right now. I know I would write the most disgustingly sappy love poem right now if I stopped to write one. I will spare everyone the awful details of those kinds of poems. :D
When I go to Oxford I don't stay at a friend's house like my father thinks. My mother knows where I stay. I am safe. And responsible. But the tender sweetness for the last 10 months have been and will always be what keeps me going...
Sometimes, I don't think he knows he says the most wonderful things. I would butcher his words if I were to try to quote him... and besides, they are words from him to me alone. love is gentle and beautiful.
I wish I was going up there this weekend. I found out its going to be a long weekend and now I wanna go stay up there. But my sister and nephew will come down for the weekend and I haven't seen them in a while. My nephew is 10 months old as of today, the 16th. :)
Is it strange to remember how old my nephew is by gaging it to how long MBH and I have been together? MBH and I started dating on March 5th, when we first met (kinda). My nephew was born on the 16th of March. lol... kinda convenient, huh?
Christmas was good. MBH gave this journal he has had for a long time, and included some little captions here and there, and included a short story, and a drawing of me... and it was so very sweet. He said that he might have something else for me, but that he couldn't get it yet or something? I have been curious about that, but not asking about it cause that would be weird, especially if he's forgotten about whatever idea it was he had. Woah, I miss my long "vacation" in Oxford. I should have called down to Barnett's that Wednesday, cause then I would have known that I could stay longer, because my car wasn't going to be ready for another week, they say... damnit!!!!!! I get screwed, huh? I guess there will be plenty of other times to stay there with him... time will pass, and closer we'll be. I know its there.
Gawd, I wish I was still in college, there in O-town... and didn't have to work all blasted day in-doors... I so want to be OUTSIDE! Whatever was I thinking when I applied? Some of the students are great... I miss a few of the girls who graduated last year, and this year there's a few that will find themselves in O-town too. I will probably run into them from time to time then... if MBH is still up there, and surely he and I would go there for visits with my gal-pals D and C and whoever else...
Oh god... and weird as can be, one of my exes is up there somewhere at UM too... computer science major now. Hmph... What would be the wierdest day is MBH and I doing something (Bistro or something) and then in comes in A, the ex. Now, there's now hard feelings between A and me at all. Quite cordial and friendly whenever we meet in passing. But still... I am glad I am quite satisfied with MBH physically, cause A is very similar in that area... MBH is better not just because he loves me, but because he shows he loves me... I don't know how to explain or differentiate that any more without being... umm, graphic. :P But, I wouldn't mind them meeting at all. Actually, A is a LOT like MBH's brother... I mean, they're practically identical in personalities, except the brother is satisfied with this one girl, the one he's been seeing for two years. :)
A friend asked me Sunday what religion I was... Was a Christian? I said "generally I am a Christian." I'm not even quite positive about that even... I mean, when do I ever give God any gratitude other than the "oh, god..." and the "thank you god" I whisper or mumble from time to time... And how much of sex is spiritual? I think that it is... with one you love. Anything less is not spiritual. A connection between two of his children, signifying a bond between them not for anything but love. I certainly don't suggest teenagers to go out and have sex and yada yada yada... cause I didn't do anything until I was 21 or 22. And I'm 25 now! ahh... I don't have to defend myself. I have made good choices, and choices that have led me to the one single person who understands me fully. His love is my greatest treasure.
This is getting long... I am just pensive right now. I know I would write the most disgustingly sappy love poem right now if I stopped to write one. I will spare everyone the awful details of those kinds of poems. :D
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