Its been an interesting few days to say the least. My mood has turned to the worst lately... moody, mopey... Just a lot going on in my head and heart. Maybe I will momentarily feel better come New Year's Eve... Put on a new face.
"So here I am again coming in from the cold,
Here I am again humming your tune,
Here I am again just waiting around
wishing, wishing I wasn't missing you,
wishing I wasn't missing you,
wishing I wasn't missing you...
So maybe I should go get lost,
Maybe I should go get drunk,
Maybe I should just forget all about you"
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
archive: 18 december 2007: emotionally empty
I feel drained, tired. Maybe I should have called in sick. I thought about it when I first woke up, but then I pushed myself up and got going... I'm not sick. But just now I had a wave of just feeling extremely sad. Nothing to do with anything in particular, I guess. Just exhausted and overwhelmed and tired in general.
Last night I came to the conclusion that I don't like being in my own place alone for long... I don't mind working on my collages and art projects (I turn up the CD player really loud, sing along with the Beatles, S&G, Gillian, Lucinda, Emmylou), but I like hearing people around me, even if they are not in the same house. Some small strange comfort in that. Last night I watched Amelie on my laptop in Phoebe's apartment; she's in Louisville and I am checking up on her cat Gus/Pepper while she's gone. He finally came up to me for a while to let me pet him, but he's still agitated by his mites (note to self: check for the medicine again at Walmart soon). But sitting there watching that movie on my laptop and stringing beads for the collage... Sitting there in her apartment filled with a couch, table, ottoman, wall hangings and records and posters, lanterns -- things which describe a very good and close friend -- these things reflect something of her personality and presence. Is it strange to feel more comfortable in the environment of someone else's presence than your own? Maybe, like I started thinking last night, its just that I need to share a place with someone else -- apartment mate friend like I did in Hattiesburg, or eventually a lover/partner-in-crime....
I sincerely miss that kind of closeness. I am tired of this cold place that I call home which is only me and my stuff and my personality... It feels empty of something else. It feels empty of love from someone else.
Last night I came to the conclusion that I don't like being in my own place alone for long... I don't mind working on my collages and art projects (I turn up the CD player really loud, sing along with the Beatles, S&G, Gillian, Lucinda, Emmylou), but I like hearing people around me, even if they are not in the same house. Some small strange comfort in that. Last night I watched Amelie on my laptop in Phoebe's apartment; she's in Louisville and I am checking up on her cat Gus/Pepper while she's gone. He finally came up to me for a while to let me pet him, but he's still agitated by his mites (note to self: check for the medicine again at Walmart soon). But sitting there watching that movie on my laptop and stringing beads for the collage... Sitting there in her apartment filled with a couch, table, ottoman, wall hangings and records and posters, lanterns -- things which describe a very good and close friend -- these things reflect something of her personality and presence. Is it strange to feel more comfortable in the environment of someone else's presence than your own? Maybe, like I started thinking last night, its just that I need to share a place with someone else -- apartment mate friend like I did in Hattiesburg, or eventually a lover/partner-in-crime....
I sincerely miss that kind of closeness. I am tired of this cold place that I call home which is only me and my stuff and my personality... It feels empty of something else. It feels empty of love from someone else.
Monday, December 17, 2007
archive: 17 december 2007: ACA Angel
Sunday I created a card/book as a last Christmas present for the ACA President. A co-worker, Kat, wrote the story and I illustrated it with collage materials and folded it all up. I hope that it is well-liked. The staff really likes it.
Curious? Well, I do need to document the work I create, so here's pictures:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/blueathena7/sets/72157603483727179/
Curious? Well, I do need to document the work I create, so here's pictures:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/blueathena7/sets/72157603483727179/
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
archive: 12 december 2007: interview in january 2008
Now I have an on-campus interview scheduled for mid-January at Mars Hill College.
Ahhh! :) The chair of the search committee just called me to let me know they are interested in interviewing me in-person and to have me meet faculty, students, library staff, and to see the Ramsey Center and campus. Of course I have visited before, but not met the folks they really want me to meet.
Oooh. At least this gives me a little time to get a few more professional stylin' clothes. haha!
PS - Excited and nervous and sad... I have to remember what one friend said to me in a text one night when we were talking about missing people and losing them 'cause of moving: "Remember you don't have to lose anyone you don't want to."
Ahhh! :) The chair of the search committee just called me to let me know they are interested in interviewing me in-person and to have me meet faculty, students, library staff, and to see the Ramsey Center and campus. Of course I have visited before, but not met the folks they really want me to meet.
Oooh. At least this gives me a little time to get a few more professional stylin' clothes. haha!
PS - Excited and nervous and sad... I have to remember what one friend said to me in a text one night when we were talking about missing people and losing them 'cause of moving: "Remember you don't have to lose anyone you don't want to."
archive: 12 december 2007: merry-go-round
Phone calls and inquiries,
linen paper, letters and scores:
these moments swing around
like a merry-go-round.
I'm 7 again, small and fragile -
tough and invincible inside -
and playmates cling onto
rails, round and round,
their faces a swirled marble,
into one being, one memory.
Each person lost to the place,
the music, dancing, drinking,
smoking, joking, laughing...
Oh, laughter down to the heart.
First hugs, smiles not forgotten.
Art created, shared, given away.
Porch ramblings, drunk singing,
long walks talking poetry,
bluegrass jams and secret selves:
these indeed are of you and me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
.... I still feel more is needed for this piece, but for now I have got to leave....
linen paper, letters and scores:
these moments swing around
like a merry-go-round.
I'm 7 again, small and fragile -
tough and invincible inside -
and playmates cling onto
rails, round and round,
their faces a swirled marble,
into one being, one memory.
Each person lost to the place,
the music, dancing, drinking,
smoking, joking, laughing...
Oh, laughter down to the heart.
First hugs, smiles not forgotten.
Art created, shared, given away.
Porch ramblings, drunk singing,
long walks talking poetry,
bluegrass jams and secret selves:
these indeed are of you and me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
.... I still feel more is needed for this piece, but for now I have got to leave....
Thursday, December 6, 2007
archive: 6 december 2007: conversations and thoughts
Last night was different and I am glad for it. Talked with a friend I never really get a chance to hang out with one-on-one. We talked about a ton of different things: moving, reasons for moving and what would be missed in doing so, how our situations are different, relationships of the past and how they ended, stories written, sex and past experiences, and some other things. Watched Snakes on a Plane cause it was on the TV. I said some things I had been thinking the other day, and we both agreed we had the same thoughts on that, too (for the most part).
Its true, its hard to look at the possibilities lying ahead and confront the conflicted feelings you hold within: I need a job that pays more so I can pay off my debts; I want work which feels more fulfilling & challenging; I might also need a different place where I may find someone to share time and love with... But why do I want to stay in Berea? Because I love some people here who have become my friends and family; Because this town has allowed me to be me and not feel judged; Because only in the last 6-8 months have I felt like I have gained a few close friends (though one may be moving soon too). Because I have been here for a while and it is hard to pick up and move to another place where you know no one. But I have done it and three years later I don't want to leave. I can do it again. I'm just going to be sad, will grieve, will well up inside and have to discover myself again, push myself to know and be with people. I failed at that when I first moved here and for two years didn't really succeed. It is not all one-sided though; As much as I may be afraid of intruding on others' time and therefore reluctant to call, it takes two to not let a friendship flourish: I may not call initially, but if they never call me then what else can I believe than they really aren't interested in growing a friendship. And I must not fear that I will lose contact with some people... I guess in that I must just settle for "what happens, happens."
Its true, its hard to look at the possibilities lying ahead and confront the conflicted feelings you hold within: I need a job that pays more so I can pay off my debts; I want work which feels more fulfilling & challenging; I might also need a different place where I may find someone to share time and love with... But why do I want to stay in Berea? Because I love some people here who have become my friends and family; Because this town has allowed me to be me and not feel judged; Because only in the last 6-8 months have I felt like I have gained a few close friends (though one may be moving soon too). Because I have been here for a while and it is hard to pick up and move to another place where you know no one. But I have done it and three years later I don't want to leave. I can do it again. I'm just going to be sad, will grieve, will well up inside and have to discover myself again, push myself to know and be with people. I failed at that when I first moved here and for two years didn't really succeed. It is not all one-sided though; As much as I may be afraid of intruding on others' time and therefore reluctant to call, it takes two to not let a friendship flourish: I may not call initially, but if they never call me then what else can I believe than they really aren't interested in growing a friendship. And I must not fear that I will lose contact with some people... I guess in that I must just settle for "what happens, happens."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
archive: 5 december 2007: gifts and surprises
I just realized I do have a DVD burner on my laptop. I didn't know that! haha! I probably just forgot when I bought it because I was concerned with copying my CDs onto it.
OK. So I need to get some DVDs so I can record some of these videos that I created for myself and get them off my computer.
BUT what I really want to do is get a gift finished up. I downloaded this torrent file which contained pretty much everything Cyndi Lauper. This is for a friend who LOVES Cyndi. I didn't realize just how much stuff was in that file - tons of TV clips, music videos, televised concerts, entire albums, bootlegs, and a few miscellanea. I just need to get a bunch of DVDs and CDs and burn all this stuff for him. I didn't realize it would be so much, it kinda seems overwhelming...
I almost think I shouldn't make the art project I was going to make for him now because the two together would be so much it would be..... awkward. I don't know... I guess I will think about that some more later. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it. I just don't want it to be too much....
Tonight: Writers' group, THEN probably working on the art projects OR editing my poems. I also gotta go to the college library to fact-check some sources of my poems.
OK. So I need to get some DVDs so I can record some of these videos that I created for myself and get them off my computer.
BUT what I really want to do is get a gift finished up. I downloaded this torrent file which contained pretty much everything Cyndi Lauper. This is for a friend who LOVES Cyndi. I didn't realize just how much stuff was in that file - tons of TV clips, music videos, televised concerts, entire albums, bootlegs, and a few miscellanea. I just need to get a bunch of DVDs and CDs and burn all this stuff for him. I didn't realize it would be so much, it kinda seems overwhelming...
I almost think I shouldn't make the art project I was going to make for him now because the two together would be so much it would be..... awkward. I don't know... I guess I will think about that some more later. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it. I just don't want it to be too much....
Tonight: Writers' group, THEN probably working on the art projects OR editing my poems. I also gotta go to the college library to fact-check some sources of my poems.
Monday, December 3, 2007
archive: 3 decmeber 2007: fleetwood mac big love
I borrowed a friend's CD, Fleetwood Mac's The Dance, and ripped it onto my computer. I was listening to it last night when I got home and all day today I have had this song in my head and it really can't get out of my head.... "Big Love." Its not so much the lyrics (I am only just now going to go look them up) but its the guitar. Listen to it. You've got to understand why it sticks for me...
archive: 3 december 2007: a day without
It seems I am sad when a whole day goes by and I don't see two certain friends... I am sitting here wishing I could just call or visit at least one of them.
Ah, well... time to go anyway.
Ah, well... time to go anyway.
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