archive: 30 october 2005: yadda club and stuff

Had great fun at The Yadda Club this weekend. Danced a lot, and with one girl (really cute) who was an absolutely great dancer. She danced with all of us (Jo, Lisa, Emily, and me) and we all had a great time. The DJ was way better than the one at Jacob's. I still have some of those motown tunes in my head. "Tears of a Clown" is playing right now. :)

Dancing reminded me that I can get down. haha... I lose my balance (of course) but I am still pretty limber, just not as much as I used to be. Well, all this is about to change. I'm going to be doing a lot more running and gym stuff.

Met Jo's friend Emily this weekend. Wonderfully awesome girl, and glad to have met her. Without knowing it, she's reminded me of some things I have let slide. I used to be so many things, but I have slacked off and let things go to the wayside. No more. I really have to get motivated, more disciplined, and then I won't feel so bad about myself all the time. I know I am capable of three times the amount of stuff I already do... I just have to get myself back on the right track.

Also, I think I will not consider myself a vegetarian. I think I am just going to cut out pork and beef. Those two meats have the most cholesterol levels. I just looked it up for shrimp and in that case, I should cut that out too, but I have shrimp so rarely that I don't think I will. Chicken a lower amount as long as it is baked or grilled, but battered and fried is a big no. This is a pretty neat link to see items' cholesterol levels.

Anyway, here's the link to the pictures!! Halloween costumes and fun women. wooo!

archive: 27 october 2005: nightwalking

At about 12:15 last night I went for a walk. I took the garbage out, looked up at the stars, and saw that they were actually very clearly visible. Orion, Cassopia, Taurus, the Pleiades, a few others... I wanted to stand out there for a long time, but the longer you stand still the colder you feel. The cold seeps into your blood, bones, and being. So I grabbed my mp3 player and went out the door, up the street, down Chesnut, around and around Fee Street, back down Chesnut, behind the library, into the Quad, down to and around back of Boone Tavern, to the parking lot there, and over by the dorm, and then straight back to my home from there. Overall, the latenight cold singing and star admiring peaceful solitude nightwalk was a little over an hour long. It felt damn good. Sleep was deep.

archive: 26 october 2005: I don't know...

well, its comlpicated.

M. and I talked on IM last night for a while.... and after a while she says this and my response...

[11:47] M: Don't think I'm crazy...but I've missed you this week, or at least thought about you a couple times a day...its odd, didn't expect that from just meeting you saturday and such
[11:50] booknut1976: I don't think you're crazy. Its nice. But honestly we'd probably just be friends. The last month or so I have been thinking about relationships and stuff, and I doubt I can actually get into a serious one knowing that I am leaving next August.
[11:52] M: Yep, realized that...not to mention you seem opposed due to age difference
[11:54] booknut1976: yeah, sorta. I dunno. I thought about that. But I can tell you're looking to work towards a serious relationship.
Myself, I think I could get involved with someone, casually, but that when I move it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Doubt I'll meet someone like that, but I knew that before anything was talked about further I was going to let you know that. I don't like the idea of leading anyone on... Thats just cruel.
[11:55] M: yeah
[11:57] booknut1976: Its cool though, 'cause I think you're really nice and cute and everything, and another friend never hurts. If thats ok, with you. I mean... you deserve to find someone who will be able to reciprocate all your affections and not have a time that limits it.
[11:58] M: fine with me
[11:58] M: I like you, I won't lie about that
[11:58] M: however, my heart isn't up for that
[12:03] booknut1976: yeah... I know, and I wouldn't ask that of you.
But I could tell you were admiring me, and I wasn't sure what to do with that. So I talked with you for a while Saturday just to chill and know who you are. I mean, a compliment is a compliment, right? Thats a good thing. But I would never knowingly lead someone on through all kinds of intimate and sexual stuff without telling them I don't think it can get serious knowing they are completely emotionally attached. That'd be mean and awful. I knew either tonight or tomorrow we'd talk about this.
[12:03] M: yeah
[12:06] booknut1976: well... you ok?
[12:08] M: yeah, i'm alive...why?
[12:08] booknut1976: well, just sounded pretty silent over there...
[12:10] M: it happens...I'm thinking WAY too much...about a couple different things
[12:11] booknut1976: ahh... I do the thinking way too much thing. I will over analyze something till I either can't handle it anymore or just get fed up with it or just randomly pick a decision. I will over analyze something someone says sometimes and it can get a bit too much.
hah.
[12:11] M: I know the feeling
....................................
So, I have this on a preferred blog list thingie so I can sort out my thoughts on this. I said the right things, right? I mean, let me go into this.
1. I have 10 more months here and after that I don't know where I am going.
2. She's expressed casually in conversation about stuff that she doesn't kiss someone unless she's in love with them, and the same with sex. I respect that, and wouldn't ask someone with those values to do otherwise.
3. Since she has those values, I see no point in allowing her to think that things could get romantic when its possible I won't have invested as much emotionally.
4. She's 19, and the more I talk to her the more I realize she is a bit angsty still. hrm. Just the way things continued... After I went to bed she responded to the bulletins I posted, but didn't post them to the bulletin board but emailed them to me. Not a mistake, considering some of the answers. She has also written in her xanga:

"If I could kick the shit outta me...I would. I'm currently kicking my own ass however, because I passed up on an interesting opportunity. Damn my emotions...always getting in the way of senseless debauchery. Having coffee tomorrow night...that will be bittersweet, because I was hopeful for the first time in 4 months. So much for that, apparently life is measured in months and everything has to fit into these concise boxes to be packed away back home, so...I guess something with me is just too big for Mississippi"

So..... yeah. I did right, right? I mean... what else was I supposed to say? I'm not a deceptive person and I could never have gotten involved with her physically knowing the difference between us on that. gah....

I almost want to email her and say that it's probably not a good idea to meet up for coffee. I don't like seeing people I have disappointed, but this is a honest "this is for the good of you" kind of disappointment. Right?

archive: 26 october 2005: xanga and missing folks

haha... I forgot I actually have this. Last time I had written in it was a day or two before I left for my interview for this job. Wow. I completely forgot about it. I got it because some other friends had just gotten one, but they never write in theirs, and I just deleted those subscriptions. I left the Chance Fisher one 'cause Sam's a friend and the band is still together.

I need to see if they are going to play anywhere around Jackson around Thanksgiving. Maybe I can go. I miss some of the Mississippi folks.

I am going to live a life of missing people from a number of places. But what will make it special is the connect-the-dot landscape of the places I have been, the people I meet, love, and know, and the memories attached to each place, bitter and sweet, sad and happy.

I really wonder where I will land next. I don't believe Berea will be able to offer me another job at the college archives. If anything around here, maybe UK will need someone for something. That will be one of the first places I send a unsolicited resume (whether they have a job opening or not), but most likely I will find myself either going as far as Louisville or out of the state.

I will not move back to Mississippi unless it is dire, like Mom is ill and needs taking care of or something like that.

I will not work in Alabama or Florida. Those states hold no appeal to me.

Ok. I am going to go watch Journey to Kafiristan. I should have bought popcorn. I am craving nibble-food.

archive: 22 october 2005: poem

Look, I'm just standin' here with a cup 'o' joe in my hand listening to rhymes and beats, people snapping snaps and clapping claps, and you decide to just drop, drop right in my lap. Who do you think you are? You think I want you here, cramming up my space, digging hipbones into my thighs? Twisting thorn in my side, memory I can't escape no matter how hard I try. But I can't stop thinking of nights sleeping by you, curve to curve, thigh to thigh, hip to hip, back to chest spooned smooth, flowing bodies together, a river in my bed, between the two of us, cascade of hair and hips, heavy highs sighing. Between legs and thighs and lips down deep, where there's love and lust low down deep, and the drive lulls a lullaby to lose soul so deep. You squeeze me then, touching you where you haven't been touched in so fucking long and making you moan MY name, wrapping my hair in your fingers, pulling as I pull you by my fingertips deep. I breathe you in deep, my soul satisfied by your spice skin scent, pure spring water, to my lips and throat, and swallow you whole, down, low, and deep. I didn't ask for the touch of your deep curves still on my fingertips. ----------------------------------------- That's a specific memory. Maybe I can expand it, if I wanted to keep thinking about it right now, but then I would get all pissy and moody and lonely and horny and no where to vent it and no one to sleep with. heh. anyway... yeah... so. Comments? Suggestions? I want it to have more of a spoken word sound rather than a "poem on a page" feel.

archive: 17 october 2005: fun work talk silliness

You know, I really do like these people I work with every day. Shannon, Harry, Steve, and Grace. Shannon just got through telling me about this woman who is requesting images of Berea College so that she can make a quilt, and she's only in the selection process. Well, that's not so bad if they were not planning on finishing and presenting the quilt at Homecoming in three weeks. And whatever images she chooses has to be scanned still! So little time and so much else going on. But it seems that Harry gets here pretty early in the morning, before 8 a.m., and he has already photocopied many images for her perusal....
Harry: That's why I get paid the Big Bucks.
Shannon: haha... That's why you SHOULD be getting the Big Bucks.
:)
It might have been funnier hearing it than retelling it.

Ok. I better get back to "work." hehe

I do wonder if I might possibly get offered a position here permanently. It'd be pretty neat, but then again, I do like the idea of moving again. Going someplace knew and starting over... again. But, I only just started here! Like, made really good friends this summer, etc etc. Practically took me a year to get that far. Maybe it is just a matter of growing each time, and not letting the reclusive and reserved person in me grabbing too much of a hold and not letting me meet people and make friends. I am shy. Not with friends, but I am shy in the very beginning of making friends and dates.

anyway... rambling again. work!!!

archive: 15 october 2005: motivation and house cleaning

I will say this about seeing Becky on Wednesday night:
From a glance I could tell she followed through on what she said her plans were for the summer: To ride her bike a LOT, run, exercise.... I could tell she toned up some. I had done the opposite. I had gained 5-10 pounds on top of the 20 I had gained the year and a half before. I have 25-30 pounds I want to lose, and then to tone up. I want to be back at my 120. The weight gain was a combined "eating more pasta and fatty stuff" and metabolism slowing down. I used to be "miss boney" in 7th, 8th grade 'cause my metabolism was so fast... I was not thin, I was skinny. I finally got some curves in high school, not much to notice, but if I sat on someone's lap they weren't going to say my bones were poking them too much. hehe. I've let food be too much of a comfort rather than a nurishment.

Anyway, maybe I feel a tad bit sense of motivation. I need to eat a little healthier (I don't eat a lot of fatty things anyway, and no beef, pork, or ham). I need to eat more veggies, though those tend to get expensive and spoil fast. gah. But most of all, I need an exercise routine. I am going to inflate that damn pilates ball. And I am going to start doing crunches or something for my abs. Its all got to tone up and then it won't be so bad.

I read something in this health magazine about detoxification. I might try that plan. It'll have to start the beginnng of November as I would have to buy all kinds of fiber-rich foods and whatnot.

I am not going to have heart problems like the rest of my family has had. I am not going to have diabetes when I get older. I am not going to allow myself to get up to 200 pounds like so many of my family has allowed themselves to get. I'm at 150 lbs and right now this is my breaking point. I'm not 100% comfortable with myself. And its going to be hard to do this 'cause Winter is coming on, natural "I want to just eat and hibernate all Winter" mode, and it will be difficult to fight that. But I will try.

Been busy today though. Got laundry done at the laundrymat. Gotta put it up now. Finish doing dishes next. Clean out that litter box. Sweep, vaccuum. Bills. Write postcards to friends/family, and birthday cards to my cousins who have birthdays on the 17th and 18th.

Might go back to Owsley Fork (if I have time) and take more sunset pictures. Maybe tomorrow instead. I just got a movie in from Netflix too, probably "sense and sensibility." I haven't seen it yet.

And crushes? I dunno. I have little hopes here and there, but somehow I just know it is pointless. I make such subtle hints. Maybe its bad timing anyway. Thats ok. Maybe not a good match anyway. And distance. And time. And money. Everything's just telling me to chill out and wait it out. It is not going to happen here, but maybe where-ever my job takes me next... VA? NC? MA? NY? Who knows?

archive: 12 october 2005: amy ray and capital b

so... what an amazing night. I'll list the craziness with sporadic details and then I need to get onward to bed because I work in the early a.m.

1. Met up with Jo and Lisa and ate dinner at Jo's place. Happy to see Lisa. I got my threads and beads so now I can make those bracelets and necklaces. wooo! Good food, good friends, good times.

2. Jo and I went to The Dame and got there right about 8. I find out a little later that the opening act doesn't start at 8, but its that the doors OPEN at 8, and music starts at 9. doh!

3. Met Angie. Awesomely cute hair in person is absolutely great, and she seems really fun and I was happy to meet her. :)

4. Spotted my ex, Becky, across the bar, but no eye contact. First time I had seen her since we broke up, 6 months ago. Decided that going up to her would be a bad idea. Decided not to try to make eye contact (she told me a long time ago that we could never be friends, and that if we ever ran into each other in the same bar there would be no cordial "hi, how are you?" chit-chat. I know her enough to know this is true.) I pointed her out to Jo. I kinda had it in the back of my mind the rest of the night where Becky was in the bar. She had a lady-friend with her, don't know if they were together or friends, but if they are together, then I would definitely be happy for Becky. I had told her that I wanted nothing but for her to be happy. So I kept pushing it to the back of my mind and kept on having a good time.

5. AMY RAY ROCKED! I didn't know hardly any words to any songs (until the chorus repeated) and damn... I was soooo hyper from live-music-happy-grooving-adrenaline. hehe. She totally loved us. We kept hooting, and whistling and kyak-kyaking! heheh... And she encored us with a cover of Tom Petty's "Refugee." OMG! That was so great! And I know ALL the words to that song, and I was soooo happy and hyper and dancing all over the place and having a hell of a good time I forgot for a brief second about other things going on in my head about other people. :) It was a nice brief moment.

6. Capital B is AWESOME. I had suspicions that she was Bitch of Bitch and Animal and it turned out that I was right. Fantastic!! She kept sorta flashing us on the left side. She had on this little tiny striped "skirt" scrap wrap thingie. Didn't totally cover her butt. But it was a cute butt. hehe. She was so Pink and her hair rocked all over the place. Loved her music and her poetry.

7. Too bad I was very limited on funds and couldn't get an Amy Ray T-shirt right then... They are not selling them on the website unless there are some left over at the end of the tour.

ok!! Bedtime. Good dreams, I hope.

Oh, and Jo said that she saw Becky look over a few times, when we were really having a good time. Its a good thing that she see me having a good time, and I would have liked to have seen her having a good time. The few times I glanced over there I did see that she was smiling, and that is a good thing.

happy dreams to all and to all a good night!!!!

archive: 7 october 2005: jazz, warhol, hughes

I am watching "I shot andy warhol." Should be asleep, but I like Lily Taylor. I mean... she's cute.
Or maybe I should sleep and I'll just get it from Netflix sometime... watch it through without commercials.

Tonight I saw the "Langston Hughes Project" perform on campus. One, great music. I stared at the pianist the entire time. I was watching how he moved, head bob, sway, bounce, shake... lips squeench up and mutter the beat, bam-be-bop-ba-do... Fingertips doing the tango and swing-dancing on the keys. And he, the pianist, the bassist, and the drummer all are not mentioned on the project's website, so its my guess they are not always the ones to perform. But Ron McCurdy and John Wright have the sax, horn, flute, and spoken word down. Yeah... "Ask Your Mama: 12 Moods for Jazz." I asked Rob (the pianist) if there's going to be a CD. He said to look for a DVD on the website sometime. That's cool... It'd be almost 2 hours long, music and Langston Hughes' rhymes and rhythms.

Its made me wanna write. BUT by the time I got my ass back to the apartment... I didn't know where to start. I have a concept though, and it will take time and effort, but it will come out when I have the energy and resources.

Damn, I do love jazz. Not elevator jazz. But jazz that makes your body rock. Jazz that makes your soul leap from toes to fingertips. Jazz that has lyrics within itself, unwritten and without tangible words.
Its been a damn long time.

archive: 6 october 2005: wired sleepless wakeful dreams of what could-not-have-been

damnit, now I am all wired up and I can't sleep.
grrrrrrr....
Mike was right. I should have been a policewoman or went into law or something. I get so freaking passionate about this crap 'cause it makes me so angry. I wouldn't be some lawyer or politician who could easily be swayed one way or another... I am an idealist, and damnit, I never seem to lose a little of the naivety of being an idealist either. So that's how I would be a stubborn liberal lawyer... if it weren't for the stress and the anxiety of speaking in front of audiences.

agh.

SLEEP NOW
....

In the middle of waking and sleeping and dreaming, there are constellations which skirt the sky under the petticoats of Andromena, or chasing after hunter Orion, running away from the Scorpion, ever searching for Diana, paranoid Artemis is waiting in the shadows to win her battle. Goodbye Orion, you lose. I do not admire your three-star belt anymore. It does not fit my fancy anymore. And wakefulness leads to random play in dreams of what could have should have never been and but not-dreams become sleepless reality in cloudy green fields of irises.

and yes. random nonesense.

g'night.

archive: 5 october 2005: sexuality (this is long)

OK. This settles it for once and for all, damnit. [maybe]

There's these labels, identities, titles, self-descriptions of sexuality: Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Queer. Transgender. Asexual. Straight. etc etc.

So... when someone starts wanting to analyze themselves, to take the pieces of their being down to examine and decipher, to "figure herself out." To find her definition, her label, her sexuality.... It gets quite a bit complicated.

I'm 29 years old. I have a lot of experience under my belt, in a sense.

I had my first boyfriend at 16 for a week and a half. Next boyfriend was at 19. Boyfriend after that was at 20. Etc etc.

First girl crush? 7th grade, at least. First "oh my god, I seriously majorly want to do things to that girl" crush? Senior year of high school, and damnit, if I knew where she was now I still would want to do all those things. Except she's straight, married, and has a little boy. But at least I had told her that I had had a major crush on her.

And ever since then I have been acknowledging the crushes and attractions to girls. But when I lived in Mississippi, it just.... didn't feel like an option. And the few times I tried to date/meet a girl... just never were successful. Too many bicurious girls who stood you up when you were just meeting at the bookstore cafe to talk. How can just talking be anything but harmless? Seriously.

Anyway... So... Crushes on Boys, Crushes on Girls. I do have a detailed list of when, who, what I did with who, etc. Just for my own memory and purposes. But yeah, back and forth, girls, boys, girls, boys....

I get my butt up here to Kentucky and I seriously am not interested in any guys I meet or see. I think, "ok, they're all too young or just not attractive on this campus." But I also think... This is a whole state of people who don't know me. Who don't know my family, don't have preconceived notions about me or who I should be. This town is laid back, kinda hippie, very accepting... Liberal. Mississippi is Conservative, USA. At least Kentucky is a little more Moderate.

So... since I moved here I felt freer to be ME. To not give a fucking hell about some things. I went to the gay clubs, I went to Mia's, I went mainly with the decision of NUMBERO UNO: I want to make friends. But I also wanted to finally meet a woman I was attracted to and date. And I did. And Becky and I were together for 3 months.

And I decided I felt much more myself with her. I felt more physically comfortable with her. And as for sex, I.... well, honestly, I liked sex with a woman more than I did with the guys. Now, now... I did have good sex with my ex-boyfriends. They knew what they were doing and all that... And I have had a variety of sizes, etc, etc, whatever. Its more... I do like going down on a woman more than I did a man. Yeah, sometimes I did like it, but that was minority. Circumstances had to be right, mood and all that. The rest of that is for poetry. ;)

So... do I like girls or guys? Do I honestly have to choose one over the other permanently? For me (and this discussion is only in describing me, and not to be used to judge others because everyone is different and loves and has different needs), but for me I can only love one person at a time with all my being. I cannot spend my energy on more than one person intimately. So yeah, I may find myself sometimes attracted to a guy, not just for physical attributes, but also his personality and friendliness and honesty. And let's say I date him. I have never been successful at attempting to date more than one person at a time, and seriously, I don't think I could do it even if the opportunity arose. But I date monogamously. And I would not start something with a woman at the same time.... I just can't do that myself.

So... point is I date monogamously, no matter the gender.

When I was dating Becky her worry was that since I was bisexual then that meant if I met the right guy I would leave her to date him. I kept telling her that that was not true and that is not who I am. I am in love with one person and I do not leave someone for another person, no matter gender. I do not cheat. And I am always honest. ESPECIALLY in a relationship. Communication, whether you want to hear it or not, is my thing. If the relationship is going downhill its going to be one or more of these options: (1) conflict of some kind between the two of us, (2) you cheat on me, (3) either of us have to move away and decide that relationship can't withstand long-distance, (4) one of us dies, (5) immense lack of trust or dishonesty on your part. I don't put up with lies.

So man or woman?
I think sexually I prefer women. And emotionally and personality-wise, more often women. But, occasionally there may be the possibility of a man having traits I really admire and appreciate. So... love ought to be genderless. If I met the right guy while being single, then why not give him a chance? If I met the right woman while being single, then why not give her a chance?

So...
Because I am not just straight....
Because I am not just bisexual....
Because I am not just lesbian....
I choose to describe myself as Queer.

So if you read through all this, and you've taken a little time to actually get to know me, you will know that I am not one to play games, that I am honest, and that I am not trendy or slutty. I am straightforward. Ask me questions and I answer honestly.

archive: 4 october 2005: mental deciphering

Trying to write a poem about last night, about seeing my photos and Becky's mother's paintings both on the walls of Mia's last night... There's so much that could be said, and there's so much about how I feel about that, all the unsaid said things that those two things being in conjunction mean.

I guess really I shouldn't think anything of it at all.
But then again maybe I like torturing myself.
I must be masochist. I was once told that I was. But that was by someone who knew very little about me. But I think he was right. I think I like to pain myself. heh.

I keep crushes bottled up inside, because really... whatever excuses I come up with for not stating the facts, 'mam. And then attractions that I am trying to decipher and make make sense. Once I figure myself to be one way I find that maybe I contradict myself. And why do I think I want one thing over another? And my reasons for feeling this way can be described as this, but really its this, isn't it?

I know I am being cryptic. Its not meant to be deciphered. I know what I am talking about. This is for me.

I gotta get back to work. And I am writing that blasted poem. Its just going to take all day, scattered in with my work.

archive: 2 october 2005: strange dream

I just had a strange dream...
I went out to eat with Jo, Lisa, Billy, and Jeff. Then they dropped me off somewhere, probably a bookstore or coffeehouse place, and went on their way to something else. I ran into Becky at whereever I was. She didn't seem angry or upset or anything. She smiled, and was all friendly-like. Then when she talked to me, I felt this was really weird. She started asking questions about if I was dating anyone, etc. Then she took me around places to introduce me to single women close to my age. I felt very awkward about the whole thing 'cause it was Becky and she wasn't appearing upset at all. She knew people who had profiles online (she's never done anything on the internet, which would surprise me if she has now). She introduced me to someone who's nickname online is "little love" (this is a song title of Melissa Ferrick's). The coffeehouse seemed like a huge mansion, or else that's what this place became. "Little love" was playing on a laptop on a chaise lounge. Then Becky and I went into another room and she introduced me to two other women who were sitting on a bed. I was looking across the room through a doorway into the hallway there which looked like a hospital. And someone I knew (but I didn't know their name or face in the dream, just that I knew them) was on a bed being carted away. Oh, and there were snack machines and food everywhere. And Becky weighed 50 pounds heavier than when I knew her (in the year before I met her she had lost about 100 pounds on some soy diet plan.) In the dream she was talking about all these snack machines in every room of this mansion/coffeehouse. I thought it was weird and comment that not every room needs a snack machine; the world eats too many unhealthy snacks all the time anyway, don't need to make matters worse." She gave me this look which said, "WTF??" Then I woke up.

Very strange. Hadn't had a dream about Becky since before we broke up, six months ago. Damn.