I am feeling restless. Been feeling restless since I left work at 5:30 pm. I put up my collages at the college library this evening. Tomorrow morning I need to print some things out at work to pin up next to the collages... mainly about pricing. No one will be able to buy these things anyway, but I think I should put something up next to them. Sometime over the weekend I need to print myself some "cards" and set them on the table that is in that area, if Barbara leaves it there. Maybe. I don't have anything that is like "Meet the artist." That's something usually last on my list of things to do. I do and I don't think of myself.
Tonight has been interesting. Restless. I ran into my friend Michael again tonight. Poor soul that hates summertime. I prefer Early Spring and all Autumn. I like part of Winter. Some parts of Summer I love, but the muggy feeling today and those gnats flying about after the rain... I can do without those things creeping about on me. Got to talking about poetry readings, poets who suicided, fiddle music, his past romance and how we've got to find him a girl (this is my idea), and about his upcoming study-abroad in England with a Paris/France/Brittany in-between detour.
I sure would like to take off and go to Europe for a while. I don't know if ever I will have that chance again. To go alone or with one other person... that would be fantastic. I do even like the solitary idea. I am beginning to be comfortable with "just me." It has its hard moments, but overall, it is ok. But I wouldn't turn down the chance at a relationship with someone I am attracted to and vice versa, if it ever presented itself.
I think the moon is nearly full. (confirmation: full moon by Noon Saturday)
It dawned on me minutes ago that every summer I get like this. I get this super late-night hyper-active hyper-imaginative sensitivity, restlessness, empathy (nature, world, people, friends, etc), intensity. The first Summer I was in Berea I ran on the sidewalks on campus sometime between 11pm and 2am. I ran with music in my ears, little mp3 player glow in my pocket. Last summer... I worked all last summer because I was trying to meet the deadline for the project. But late at night... I was up all hours even if I wasn't running on campus. This summer... I guess this summer is spending time under the umbrellas of BC&T's back patio with my laptop (its 12:30am). Ahh... It needs to be more meaningful than that. There's more opportunity seeped in this Summer '07. So what's going to happen?
*looks to the moon* Whatcha got for me?
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
archive: 22 june 2007: a poem under tipsy
I don't want to see the moon
in those eyes that glisten poetically.
I don't want to be in these shadows
waiting, patiently, for someone unaware.
These long evenings of summertime
under patio umbrellas, under stars,
under wine's welcoming warmth...
Misunderstanding the electricity
sparking as words flutter wings,
flutter of nerves holding onto breezes
which stir and flow past, little rivers
of air, cobblestone and streetlights,
bicycles, cars, passersby, empty benches.
The golden glow tells me to walk:
I wander the forest and center streets,
houses rise up and fall back from
the curb, the sidewalk, the path
where many have footnoted days.
But one smile, one breath, one word
"hello," I follow the breeze away;
I do not want to hear that voice
for want of another's softer voice.
And yet, that feeling rises up
in spite of all I have said, wanted,
stood, postured, looked, desired.
Betrayed by self, I feel as if
all would be well if I had wings,
take on the breeze and fly.
in those eyes that glisten poetically.
I don't want to be in these shadows
waiting, patiently, for someone unaware.
These long evenings of summertime
under patio umbrellas, under stars,
under wine's welcoming warmth...
Misunderstanding the electricity
sparking as words flutter wings,
flutter of nerves holding onto breezes
which stir and flow past, little rivers
of air, cobblestone and streetlights,
bicycles, cars, passersby, empty benches.
The golden glow tells me to walk:
I wander the forest and center streets,
houses rise up and fall back from
the curb, the sidewalk, the path
where many have footnoted days.
But one smile, one breath, one word
"hello," I follow the breeze away;
I do not want to hear that voice
for want of another's softer voice.
And yet, that feeling rises up
in spite of all I have said, wanted,
stood, postured, looked, desired.
Betrayed by self, I feel as if
all would be well if I had wings,
take on the breeze and fly.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
archive: 19 june 2007: who I am
An exercise to show the multiple definitions of "who" or "what" I am, as I think of it now, the two are sometimes interchangeable.... maybe?
Poet
Photographer
Feminist
Animal-lover
Friend
Information-hungry
Nature-lover
Singer-wannabe (do not have a singing voice)
Musician-wannabe (want to learn guitar/banjo/dulcimer/drums.....)
Singer/songwriter appreciator/admirer
Artist? (Crafty/Creative/Artsy)
Spontaneous humorist (in oddball company)
Listener
Occasional hermit crab/occasional social butterfly
Reader of poetry, fiction, biography
Not-quite-a-vegetarian
Archivist
Oral history enthusiast
Organizer (of other people's stuff; not usually my own)
Daughter
Aunt
Sister
Niece
Sister-in-law
Cousin
Teacher (of sorts)
Wine enthusiast
Cheese lover (I am a big ol' rat when it comes to cheese)
/// I am writing them down here as they come to me, so... I guess, the order in which they come to me may be the level of importance to me? Maybe. Or maybe my short-term memory spasmatic blasting of nerves actually connecting on random ideas spontaneously. More to come later in this entry. ///
...... Maybe I need to create a list of adjectives that I feel describe me, all the ones positive and negative. I wonder how much of them actually hold up to what others' think/perceive of me. And which is more true. How I feel about myself is more or less true than how others perceive me? If how others perceive me is more positive than how I perceive myself, then I should take action to figure out why I feel the negative things I do, and... work on dispelling/disproving them to myself (because if I believe them about myself, then my Self believes they are true/proof), I guess. Not sure. Personal psychology. ......
Poet
Photographer
Feminist
Animal-lover
Friend
Information-hungry
Nature-lover
Singer-wannabe (do not have a singing voice)
Musician-wannabe (want to learn guitar/banjo/dulcimer/drums.....)
Singer/songwriter appreciator/admirer
Artist? (Crafty/Creative/Artsy)
Spontaneous humorist (in oddball company)
Listener
Occasional hermit crab/occasional social butterfly
Reader of poetry, fiction, biography
Not-quite-a-vegetarian
Archivist
Oral history enthusiast
Organizer (of other people's stuff; not usually my own)
Daughter
Aunt
Sister
Niece
Sister-in-law
Cousin
Teacher (of sorts)
Wine enthusiast
Cheese lover (I am a big ol' rat when it comes to cheese)
/// I am writing them down here as they come to me, so... I guess, the order in which they come to me may be the level of importance to me? Maybe. Or maybe my short-term memory spasmatic blasting of nerves actually connecting on random ideas spontaneously. More to come later in this entry. ///
...... Maybe I need to create a list of adjectives that I feel describe me, all the ones positive and negative. I wonder how much of them actually hold up to what others' think/perceive of me. And which is more true. How I feel about myself is more or less true than how others perceive me? If how others perceive me is more positive than how I perceive myself, then I should take action to figure out why I feel the negative things I do, and... work on dispelling/disproving them to myself (because if I believe them about myself, then my Self believes they are true/proof), I guess. Not sure. Personal psychology. ......
Monday, June 18, 2007
archive: 18 june 2007: horoscope
Dear Laura,
Here is your horoscope for Monday, June 18:
Are you ready to bask in some glory? Don't be modest -- you deserve these kudos. The stars say your efforts will pay off in a big way, especially if you don't try and rush the results. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
///
I'm sitting back patiently.....
///
EDIT: So just had a chat and there's options to think about, there's ideas to pursue still, and one which seems one of the most interesting to me personally is a "history of ACA." Hmm... Classes. Meeting planning. Might be able to make my stay here another year.. maybe. We'll see.
OK... I am going to sit outside with my bottle of wine. Thank you very much. Ok. So maybe I will pour it into another glass bottle and bring that with me. Hmm. Yeah, that sounds smarter and less chance for tragic loss of wine.
Here is your horoscope for Monday, June 18:
Are you ready to bask in some glory? Don't be modest -- you deserve these kudos. The stars say your efforts will pay off in a big way, especially if you don't try and rush the results. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
///
I'm sitting back patiently.....
///
EDIT: So just had a chat and there's options to think about, there's ideas to pursue still, and one which seems one of the most interesting to me personally is a "history of ACA." Hmm... Classes. Meeting planning. Might be able to make my stay here another year.. maybe. We'll see.
OK... I am going to sit outside with my bottle of wine. Thank you very much. Ok. So maybe I will pour it into another glass bottle and bring that with me. Hmm. Yeah, that sounds smarter and less chance for tragic loss of wine.
archive: 18 june 2007: some wine-induced thinking
It has been a very long time since I was this tipsy. I am sitting about in the area around Promenade Gallery, BC&T, and pottery place.
I should see if I can make any sense of poetry right now. haha.
Tomorrow night, or Wednesday night, I will go take some pictures of the carnival lights after dark. With a tripod. They shall be gorgeous.
I have this bittersweet feeling right now about several things. On some matters I am still quite conflicted. I hate how I constantly question myself and yet I can't keep from doing it (except for when I am in a relationship, when in itself seems to help me define myself and I am resting assured and happy of who I am in the midst of that relationship). I know I probably ought to have a steady weekly/monthly visit with a therapist or just someone who would shed light on what the heck I am doing with myself. I hate how I can assume myself as one person and then soon after start re-evaluating that and the question that I have to delineate the whole matter is one on the point of sex. Oh I am sure that made NO sense. I hate labels and yet I feel the need to use them, others feel the need to use them, and then no one is happy with who they are because they feel they have to "fit." I want to "fit." But then it comes down to that question. And I don't see myself doing that again. I really don't think I do, but what part of me is saying that? The part which is afraid of everything else, or the true part of me? Is that confusing? I'm sure it is. But I believe it makes sense to me.
It is this matter of self definition. Of knowing who and what you are. Or does "what" matter? Is it only about the "who"? In our society now the "who" is overlooked so much and when the "what" is defined outside the so-called "norm" there might as well have been no "who." hehe... ok. So I know what I was going with that.
And all those labels and self-definitions aside (and I thought I would know WHO and WHAT I am by the time I was 30; I was kidding myself, wasn't I?) there's how you portray yourself and how others' assume who and what you are. If you are portraying yourself truly, not worrying about fitting into any society defined social term or label, not considering yourself as any part of that but as YOU, then what happens all those times someone assumes you incorrectly and you have to "set them straight" on the matter? Awkward much? Or does that simply not happen?
AND how often do you meet someone who you think fits a certain social standard you have assumed would mean a certain person, and you feel the need to find out these things about that person but am also afraid of (1) offending them if it is something they might would take offense to (even though you doubt she would because she's a cool woman), (2) letting your own guard down for a moment to show that you're interested in that person only to find out they are not interested in you (in which case, it may be best to think "it is better to know than to never know"), and (3) for some it might also be frightening/scary to find the feeling might be mutual and be able to move forward on that. In that case, the scary thing is the vulnerability and the trust.
I think I am only just now realizing that I have put up this wall for myself that has prevented me from doing a lot of things, from pursuing people I was interested in because of fear of the unknown, fear of being myself completely to one other person, fear of someone else actually knowing me, fear of rejection, fear of knowing/not knowing love again. I know that last one sounds contradictory, but it is true, I think.
I put myself out there in tiny little bits, testing the water, one toe at a time till I know the water is just temperate enough for the whole body. And yet, when I walk all the way in, when the cool water reaches the small of my back I have to hang back a few seconds longer. Then I can push myself one more step, or someone splashes me and I don't think about the shock anymore, when that cool water tingles that sensitive spot on my back, that sensitive spot in my heart when I know I can fully trust someone.
There's levels of trust, I know this. Some are easier to give over to someone else than others. The others take time and respect, attention and acceptance, care and love.
I should have warned you poor souls who are still reading this massive soliloquy. When I am tipsy (and alone) this is where my mind often travels. Maybe I should have rented a funny comedy and enjoyed the wine. Originally I was going to drink it while typing the four poems I wrote today. But then... maybe I will write more tomorrow.
I think this enough of my rambling now. This is enough a window for now. I must shut it. Good night.
I should see if I can make any sense of poetry right now. haha.
Tomorrow night, or Wednesday night, I will go take some pictures of the carnival lights after dark. With a tripod. They shall be gorgeous.
I have this bittersweet feeling right now about several things. On some matters I am still quite conflicted. I hate how I constantly question myself and yet I can't keep from doing it (except for when I am in a relationship, when in itself seems to help me define myself and I am resting assured and happy of who I am in the midst of that relationship). I know I probably ought to have a steady weekly/monthly visit with a therapist or just someone who would shed light on what the heck I am doing with myself. I hate how I can assume myself as one person and then soon after start re-evaluating that and the question that I have to delineate the whole matter is one on the point of sex. Oh I am sure that made NO sense. I hate labels and yet I feel the need to use them, others feel the need to use them, and then no one is happy with who they are because they feel they have to "fit." I want to "fit." But then it comes down to that question. And I don't see myself doing that again. I really don't think I do, but what part of me is saying that? The part which is afraid of everything else, or the true part of me? Is that confusing? I'm sure it is. But I believe it makes sense to me.
It is this matter of self definition. Of knowing who and what you are. Or does "what" matter? Is it only about the "who"? In our society now the "who" is overlooked so much and when the "what" is defined outside the so-called "norm" there might as well have been no "who." hehe... ok. So I know what I was going with that.
And all those labels and self-definitions aside (and I thought I would know WHO and WHAT I am by the time I was 30; I was kidding myself, wasn't I?) there's how you portray yourself and how others' assume who and what you are. If you are portraying yourself truly, not worrying about fitting into any society defined social term or label, not considering yourself as any part of that but as YOU, then what happens all those times someone assumes you incorrectly and you have to "set them straight" on the matter? Awkward much? Or does that simply not happen?
AND how often do you meet someone who you think fits a certain social standard you have assumed would mean a certain person, and you feel the need to find out these things about that person but am also afraid of (1) offending them if it is something they might would take offense to (even though you doubt she would because she's a cool woman), (2) letting your own guard down for a moment to show that you're interested in that person only to find out they are not interested in you (in which case, it may be best to think "it is better to know than to never know"), and (3) for some it might also be frightening/scary to find the feeling might be mutual and be able to move forward on that. In that case, the scary thing is the vulnerability and the trust.
I think I am only just now realizing that I have put up this wall for myself that has prevented me from doing a lot of things, from pursuing people I was interested in because of fear of the unknown, fear of being myself completely to one other person, fear of someone else actually knowing me, fear of rejection, fear of knowing/not knowing love again. I know that last one sounds contradictory, but it is true, I think.
I put myself out there in tiny little bits, testing the water, one toe at a time till I know the water is just temperate enough for the whole body. And yet, when I walk all the way in, when the cool water reaches the small of my back I have to hang back a few seconds longer. Then I can push myself one more step, or someone splashes me and I don't think about the shock anymore, when that cool water tingles that sensitive spot on my back, that sensitive spot in my heart when I know I can fully trust someone.
There's levels of trust, I know this. Some are easier to give over to someone else than others. The others take time and respect, attention and acceptance, care and love.
I should have warned you poor souls who are still reading this massive soliloquy. When I am tipsy (and alone) this is where my mind often travels. Maybe I should have rented a funny comedy and enjoyed the wine. Originally I was going to drink it while typing the four poems I wrote today. But then... maybe I will write more tomorrow.
I think this enough of my rambling now. This is enough a window for now. I must shut it. Good night.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
archive: 17 june 2007: pride
Friday night I made it to the Pride Parade in Louisville. I filmed clips of it, and tonight I am going to make a little video of the floats and whatnot. I'll post it up and link to it soon.
Saturday I did research in Lexington and almost let time get away from me and had to drive to Louisville at breakneck speed hoping I wouldn't miss the Chris Pureka concert. Got there after she'd sung about 1-2 songs. I was in the parking garage below, could hear her singing, and was like... where? where do I go? Where is she? hehehe. Here's pictures from that performance. Plus a picture of me with her, and one of Gretchen, Chris, and me taken by Chrissy. I have a surprise for a friend if she sends me her mailing address, so Aubrey, I hope ya send it. :)
I stayed for a while and ran into Leah and two of her friends. I ended up sitting with them for a while and then finally left around 8 or 9 or so. Came back to Berea, then checked my email via wireless at BC&T, spotted Michael walking around and he sat and chatted with me about music and poetry. Today's Sunday and I am hanging in BC&T to see if Robert shows so I can give him these two CDs of mudpi pictures; one for him, one for Carol. By the way, if you're reading this and not from the Berea area and not heard of mudpi, check out the mudpi myspace page and two of the songs there. Great music.
Ok. Back to being... semi-productive.
Saturday I did research in Lexington and almost let time get away from me and had to drive to Louisville at breakneck speed hoping I wouldn't miss the Chris Pureka concert. Got there after she'd sung about 1-2 songs. I was in the parking garage below, could hear her singing, and was like... where? where do I go? Where is she? hehehe. Here's pictures from that performance. Plus a picture of me with her, and one of Gretchen, Chris, and me taken by Chrissy. I have a surprise for a friend if she sends me her mailing address, so Aubrey, I hope ya send it. :)
I stayed for a while and ran into Leah and two of her friends. I ended up sitting with them for a while and then finally left around 8 or 9 or so. Came back to Berea, then checked my email via wireless at BC&T, spotted Michael walking around and he sat and chatted with me about music and poetry. Today's Sunday and I am hanging in BC&T to see if Robert shows so I can give him these two CDs of mudpi pictures; one for him, one for Carol. By the way, if you're reading this and not from the Berea area and not heard of mudpi, check out the mudpi myspace page and two of the songs there. Great music.
Ok. Back to being... semi-productive.
Friday, June 15, 2007
archive: 15 june 2007: pride, research, trips and jobs
I woke up from a crazy dream of which I don't remember any details, but I know it was weird. I had pizza for dinner late last night, around midnight, and then went to sleep shortly afterwards. I know Beatles music was involved.
Then, after I woke up, drank some water after I realized I was dehydrated from sleeping in a hot bedroom (windows were open, a small fan going, but apparently not cool enough), I laid back on the bed and said hello to my cats Giza and Kashmir. Kashmir's a cuddly cat and loves attention. And in my early morning strangeness I said, in a tweety-bird voice, "what a pweety pussy." And I immediately burst into much laughter and giggles after I realized how funny that sounded. And coming from me...
Tonight: Going to Louisville (as long as my car cooperates) for my first Pride Parade. Coming back late, I'm sure. Saturday morning I will go to the Lexington Public Library and work on some research for my poetry series. I need to research the lives of African-Americans in Lexington during the 1800s and early 1900s, which means looking in the "Colored Notes" of the newspapers. This will be interesting. After a while I will head back to Louisville for the Chris Pureka concert, possibly also the Robbie Bartlett one, and then come back home to Berea. I *might* decide to try to find someplace to stay between Lex and Louisville tonight, rather than drive all the way back. But I may not. Pricey.
So, I don't know what's happening, but I better start getting my act together and not just wait and see what others might or might not be doing on my behalf. In any case, if things turn out to keep me here longer and I get offers elsewhere, it'll be a boost to my confidence and self-esteem that other employment opportunities were available to me. I thought I had another benefit point, but my memory got shot when I just got interrupted. (I guess I need to be taking something to help maintain better short term memory.) Anyway, so I will probably work on a lot of job stuff on Sunday.
Enough about me. I'm more interested in you.
Then, after I woke up, drank some water after I realized I was dehydrated from sleeping in a hot bedroom (windows were open, a small fan going, but apparently not cool enough), I laid back on the bed and said hello to my cats Giza and Kashmir. Kashmir's a cuddly cat and loves attention. And in my early morning strangeness I said, in a tweety-bird voice, "what a pweety pussy." And I immediately burst into much laughter and giggles after I realized how funny that sounded. And coming from me...
Tonight: Going to Louisville (as long as my car cooperates) for my first Pride Parade. Coming back late, I'm sure. Saturday morning I will go to the Lexington Public Library and work on some research for my poetry series. I need to research the lives of African-Americans in Lexington during the 1800s and early 1900s, which means looking in the "Colored Notes" of the newspapers. This will be interesting. After a while I will head back to Louisville for the Chris Pureka concert, possibly also the Robbie Bartlett one, and then come back home to Berea. I *might* decide to try to find someplace to stay between Lex and Louisville tonight, rather than drive all the way back. But I may not. Pricey.
So, I don't know what's happening, but I better start getting my act together and not just wait and see what others might or might not be doing on my behalf. In any case, if things turn out to keep me here longer and I get offers elsewhere, it'll be a boost to my confidence and self-esteem that other employment opportunities were available to me. I thought I had another benefit point, but my memory got shot when I just got interrupted. (I guess I need to be taking something to help maintain better short term memory.) Anyway, so I will probably work on a lot of job stuff on Sunday.
Enough about me. I'm more interested in you.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
archive: 13 june 2007: so I know I think
So, I believe I am right.
Nothing can be done about it anyway, not really.
Oh well, maybe it IS for the better afterall.
I MUST get on with my writing project now! Saturday morning I am going to the Lexington Public Library's Kentucky Room for some research. Friday night I will be in Louisville, and again on Saturday night. Never been to a Pride Parade, and so the one in Lousiville on Friday will be my first one! Then Chris Pureka concert on Saturday night. Awesomeness. :)
I better get a full tank of gas somewhere cause this will be the most driving I will do for the rest of the month.
Nothing can be done about it anyway, not really.
Oh well, maybe it IS for the better afterall.
I MUST get on with my writing project now! Saturday morning I am going to the Lexington Public Library's Kentucky Room for some research. Friday night I will be in Louisville, and again on Saturday night. Never been to a Pride Parade, and so the one in Lousiville on Friday will be my first one! Then Chris Pureka concert on Saturday night. Awesomeness. :)
I better get a full tank of gas somewhere cause this will be the most driving I will do for the rest of the month.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
archive: 7 june 2007: yay I am back
Ok. I shouldn't be THAT excited to log into MySpace. But for about a week and a half I had been locked out of Myspace somehow. Myspace tech service FINALLY helped me and got it fixed. YAY. I am hoping that the computer and internet will continue to not screw up.
I am in Elkins, West Virginia, right now. I am leaving this Noon to Pikeville, KY. But first I am going to stop by the Augusta Heritage Center, meet with Gerry Milnes again (fiddler of Gandydancer), and possibly buy a couple old-time music CDs. Probably Melvin Wine will be one. If he can reccomend a great female fiddler (other than Erynn Marshall, who I have all her 2 CDs), I will probably lean heavily to get one of those CDs also. I'll see. Wish I could come back up here all this summer for the workshops and seminars in the various music genres they are doing: bluegrass, old-time, blues, jazz, swing, country, etc... There's even a course that teaches someone how to play banjo "from scratch." Perfect for me, hehe.
I do want to buy an instrument one day and just be able to fiddle-dee with it sometimes to see if I can make something up (and then remember it!). I have done the first, but cannot remember it to play it again afterwards. heh
Anyway... later people. Gotta finish getting ready for the road.
I am in Elkins, West Virginia, right now. I am leaving this Noon to Pikeville, KY. But first I am going to stop by the Augusta Heritage Center, meet with Gerry Milnes again (fiddler of Gandydancer), and possibly buy a couple old-time music CDs. Probably Melvin Wine will be one. If he can reccomend a great female fiddler (other than Erynn Marshall, who I have all her 2 CDs), I will probably lean heavily to get one of those CDs also. I'll see. Wish I could come back up here all this summer for the workshops and seminars in the various music genres they are doing: bluegrass, old-time, blues, jazz, swing, country, etc... There's even a course that teaches someone how to play banjo "from scratch." Perfect for me, hehe.
I do want to buy an instrument one day and just be able to fiddle-dee with it sometimes to see if I can make something up (and then remember it!). I have done the first, but cannot remember it to play it again afterwards. heh
Anyway... later people. Gotta finish getting ready for the road.
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