archive: 28 december 2005: decisions

Well, we talked with my cousin this morning. Mom and my sister wrote up pros and cons for every choice she has to choose from. Of course some had more pros than cons. She also didn't realize that no one had to know but the four of us. So she called and made an appointment, and will stay with my sister part of next week.

I wish I could be here for her next week. I wish I could hug her afterwards and tell her everything is going to be okay. And I wish so much for her. This decision she has made has been a hard one to make.

Today we (Mom, my cousin, and I) went to see The Family Stone, but we got there just before the previews ended, and had to sit in the second row from the front because it was a small theatre and all the other seats were full. But the movie was great, both funny and sad. I loved it. Really showed how insane all families can be.

We rented The Graduate tonight because we (my cousin and I) might go see Rumor Has it tomorrow, which is has a plot based on the older movie. Mom might join us for that one, too.

I am also going to try to take pics of the old King Edward Hotel tomorrow (black and white pics) before they tear it down in the next few months. It is a historical building but it has been left to rot for the last 20-30 years. So I intend to get great B&W pics of it for prosperity or remembrance or whatever.

ok, dinner now.

archive: 25 december 2005: christmas loot

Lets see... The loot...

1. set of white sheets and white comforter for the bed
2. caramel scented candles with a little red candle holder
3. dark purple jacket and pants
4. grey pants, jacket, and camisole (might fit, have to try on, might be one size too small) Yes! It fits and it looks gooooood.
5. grey cardigan sweater (way too big, might take it back for a smaller size)
6. little Burt's Bees pouch of stuff
7. bath stuff from aunt linda and uncle leo
8. paint
9. framed rainbow picture painted by Ryland for me (Beth says she didn't think about the symbolism there, hehehe) I LOVE it.
10. black scarf, gloves, and headband
11. some chocolates
12. some liquor (Degarno sp?)
13. a cashmere sweater (very pretty and soft)
14. a bohemian style purse
15. couple small photo albums
16. and a few other knick-knacks I can't think of right now...


Pretty nice collection of things. My nephew's pile of toys is hilarious. :) And my sister got hr husband a pair of pajama shorts with a moose on them, and he'd happened to get the matching pajama set for her! It was funny. Mom loved her artwork from me. Yay.

Going down to Jackson this afternoon. See my cousin, 'cause she'll probably be back at the house tonight, or maybe tomorrow. I think the cats will have to stay in my Mom's room. Next time I come home for extended time I am going to pay someone to come to my house and check on the cats; I am not going to travel with them like this again. Its insane.

I am leaving my mom's on the 30th. I would stay the night at my sister's on the 29th, but that is so much unloading of the cats and their stuff for one night. If they are home I will stop by and visit Ryland for a few minutes and give him a kiss and hug. He's so smart. He's impatient though, and that will be something he'll struggle with. But I love the picture he gave me; it is so pretty. I have to think of where I am going to put it in the house.

Also, I dreamnt this idea last night or the other night. If Amanda (friend) does end up staying at my place in the guest room, I am going to move the computer and stuff into the "dining room" and just not have a dining room. And I just need to get some kind of cable converter to split the cable Tv and cable Internet from the same source (hit up RadioShack). That table will go behind the couch and will be a work/art table. I can't wait for March or April, when I have a yard sale. I would have one now except it is too freaking cold for that. Mine will be one of the first yard sales of the Spring.

Beth has asked me to make a similar art thing for Ryland, like I did for Mom. Something cowboy themed. I think it will be Ryland themed. ;) And maybe I will make others to sell, to show.

I need to get some pictures for the display in the library... 8 or 10 of them. This is going to be wild.

archive: 25 december 2005: jackson

Made it to my mom's house. Came in the door and I see she's working on a painting from a picture I took of myself back in Hattiesburg. I had played with the contrast, color, and then made the image "explode." heh. Lemme find a link to the pic. So that's kinda wild.

http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/me_pics/me/2004020135.html

My cousin's not here, but I am hoping I see her tomorrow or later tonight.

Don't what I am going to do on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... but I'll find people to visit. :)

archive: 23 december 2005: children's museum

Well, I am off to take my nephew to the children's museum. Sweet. He needs to run off some energy. Christmas is really lighting him up. And maybe tonight I am going to go see "Memoirs of a Geisha."

I deleted that last post 'cause I was being insecure and ridiculous.

My mom is listening to some radio program on the computer about FlyLady. Funny. :)

archive: 20 december 2005: bottom drops out

Sorry.
I made it home all right.

The bottom just dropped out for me, that's all.
I cannot explain it. Or better yet, I ought not explain it. I do not want a pity party.

I am 29 years old. This sort of shit should have passed 14 years ago. But then again, I always have been invisible, on the whole.

ok. Good night.

Oh... side note: Maybe I shouldn't drink vodka. Maybe it does make me depressed. I am not sure, but it is entirely possible.

PS - The way I feel right now is not because of anything any one person did tonight. It is entirely ALL me making me feel this way. That is why I left suddenly. If I had stayed I would have gotten very pissy, very agitated, and very unfriendly, and even more depressed and then I would have witnessed pity party and then I would have felt worse, because nothing makes me feel worse than others feeling they have to give me attention for any reason other than they had wanted to in the first place. So... again, this is all me. I still love my friends.

archive: 20 december 2005: contemplating

yeah. ok. whatever.

Tonight's plan:
Get some white paint and paint that board. Let it dry and then start sticking all this stuff to it for Mom's Christmas present. I hope this mental idea of a piece of art actually creates itself. I hope it turns out great. I think I am just going to give my sister one of my framed photos. Not sure. I don't know what else; maybe that shadow box with the white gloves and blue scarf (might match the bedroom).

I also have three movies which came from Netflix. Watching them tonight. Just going to chill at the house. I'm tired.

Back to work I go.

archive: 17 december 2005 Cars and Money and an anti-Anniversary

So....
Car shopping today. Went to Carmax. Drove the Pontiac Vibe. It is a cute car. Very nice on the inside, drives smoothly, felt very nice. I wish I could have spent time with it alone, cause I get too conscious of other people, ie, the car dealer, talking and looking and stuff. I needed to focus, but I guess I got it in anyway. Three hours later I am comparing my drive in my car to the Vibe's: I recall the Vibe's view out the rear window being tight, small. I like the large view I have out my rear window. I feel better about being able to see more. (I know that says a lot about my character too). The same with the back passenger window behind the driver. That window is smaller, so when I look over my left shoulder to make sure no one is in that lane, its not so good a view. I do not depend on side view mirrors; I learned that lesson.

Unfortunately I have bad credit. I could not get a bank auto loan because of that. So the only other way to pay for the car is to pay cash (I don't have that much) or to finance it through the dealership.

I had two finance options.
1. Americredit:
Amount Financed: $16,484.94 with a downpayment of $700 (that's the $500 they would give me for my car and the $200 I think I could realistically give them today if I were to get it today). First payment due on 1/28/06. For 60 months (5 years) an interest rate of 20.50% (because of my bad credit history) and monthly payments being $444.36.
This option I would be able to sign for it myself and not have to have a co-signer.

2. Wells Fargo:
Amount Financed: $14,265 with a required downpayment of $2,919.94 and requires me to have a co-signer, preferably someone with good credit. First payment due 1/25/06. For 60 months (5 years) an interest rate of 13.49% and monthly payments being $291.04. I would have to make that large downpayment and have a co-signer in order to have this lower interest rate.

Unfortunately they appraised my Mazda Protege at $500. That's because its a 1996, has been very worn, and they probably recognized that it needs axel work. Kelly Blue Book says that my car in Fair condition should trade-in at $950, so... not sure what to make of that difference, other than I think $500 is an awfully tiny amount for a pretty good car. She's old and tired, but still pretty reliable. And those two financing choices include that $500 trade-in. bah.

So... I don't think I am going to get a newer car right now. In fact, I think I am going to wait until June or July. I am going to get an estimate from DNC on how much it would cost to get those axels fixed. I won't be able to get them fixed before I go home this Wednesday, but I can go ahead and let him know I intend to have that worked on after January 2nd. It'd probably run between $900-1200. And people have told me that DNC will work out a payment plan, so that would be better. That's really the only problem with the car right now, and that can make it last me till June or July 2006. Probably privately sell my car for whatever it costs me to fix the axels or $950, whichever. Then use that plus a little more for a downpayment and in this time between now and June to build my credit better. Hopefully.

ALSO... Monday or Tuesday I am supposed to talk with my supervisor Steve about the project's progress. I am going to write some stuff up tomorrow about that. I am also going to ask if he thinks there's any possibility of me being hired on permanently. Either way, I need to know so I can make plans (ie, car stuff, savings). If I can stay, then I know for sure I will have a reliable income to make payments on a new car. If I am not going to be rehired, then I best not risk getting a new car this summer but save money for moving costs to where-ever I end up getting hired. I can hear Mom saying right now, "Yes, you do have the right to inquire about this possibility so that you can plan accordingly."

Wow. Plus... All this is spurred on because of a few horoscope statements too. Horoscope statements in italics with my interpretation afterwards.
www.freewillastrology.com (Dec. 15-21)
A while back you heard a commotion coming from behind the door of opportunity.
Ok. Maybe 8-10 months ago randomly Harry said something along the lines of its possible that I could be offered a permanent position, depending on circumstances and whatnot. It was mostly off-cuff chatter hypothetical talk. But still... Ed and Pat both were hired temporarily then were hired on permanently.
Now you may even be on the verge of giving up. But here's my advice to you: Start knocking on that door and don't stop until it opens. Keep knocking patiently and politely for an hour, for a day, for three weeks or six months--for as long as it takes. I don't know if the answer you'll receive when the door opens will be exactly the one you want, but it will provide you with the precise information you need to decide what to do next. And you'll never get that insight if you walk away now.
YEAH.... It is telling me to ask Steve about this, the only person who I can actually ask this of and the correct person for me to inform of my interests in possibly staying. As it says, I may or may not get the answer I want but I will get told the info I need to plan.

I also visit a Chinese horoscope thing, and its usually pretty spot-on.
http://www.horoscope.co.uk/dragon.htm (December, Dragon)
This is also a time area in which to watch out for dodgy deals, false smiles, hollow promises and slick but dishonest advertising.
This was referring the the mid-month time, and considering my opinions on the car offers, I don't like them and think they're dodgy. The Kelly Blue Book says that a 2003 Vibe at retail value in excellent condition should be sold for $11,650. Not sure why there is a difference, but... yeah. Plus, while dealer was gone to get some printouts, I got my book out, and I was starting to put it up when he came back and he saw it and said, "put that away, you won't need that here." I didn't especially like that attitude. hrm. I mentioned quickly that there was a price difference and wanted to know why but he went onward with figuring out the finance charges. So... dodgy.

I am going to mention all this stuff with my sister though, all the things about the car and financing, etc. See what she thinks about it.

Ok. Enough of that now. I am going to go watch Empire Records and eat ice cream.

OH. I remembered on the way home that today marks the One Year Anniversary of the day I met Becky. I almost went to Mia's for a drink. I fantasized the idea that she might would be there and we'd actually talk. But I decided that I didn't need to spend any money there. I am going to Mia's on Monday with friends for karaoke and that is a better memory to possess than going alone to Mia's tonight to remember the night we first met. Tomorrow night will be the day we first kissed. I actually can't remember the actual date we first.... heh. But that is sometime in late January or early February.

archive: 16 december 2005: car and new year's eve

So I got turned down on the auto loan from the bank. I kind knew that was going to happen, but I had had hope. Oh well. I know, I have bad past credit and it still haunts me. I am making good right now, but its not been long enough according to the creditors. Alas, must struggle onward.

I am trying to decide whether or not if I will go ahead and go completely through with it tomorrow on the car deal. If I go over there, talk with them, look at the car, talk and look at the financing options.... I could go ahead and go through with it, since dealership financing basically deals with the fact many of their clients won't have good credit standing, only disadvantage is that I will have a few extra charges. I will look at that tomorrow when I am there and consider it.

And... If I go through with it tomorrow, that means I will go home with a new car, and not have told Mom anything about it... I don't know. I kinda don't want to go into talking about financial stuff with Mom, getting her worried and stuff. Maybe in Louisville I will go and talk and see and learn, but will not make the deal. Say that I am going to consider it over the Christmas break and possibly make the deal when I come back in a couple of weeks. Yeah... This will also let me know how much they are willing to buy my car.

That may be the best no hassle choice. I can talk to Mom about this stuff without her being worrisome and then make better educated choices afterward, kinda preparing her by letting her know I have been thinking about doing this. Yes, I think this will be a better decision.

Hopefully that car will still be on the lot in 2 weeks.

I am going to come back to Berea on the 29th or 30th.

Anything happening for NEW YEAR's??

archive: 14 december 2005 researching cars

Plans tonight:
1. Research cars. Make list of available ones in area to inquire about.
2. Finish dishes (ran out of hot water last night)
3. Empty garbage
4. Bills
5. Drink more wine.
6. Blast music.
7. Burn LWord mp3 CD

I SOOOO want a newer car right now. Terribly so. So the car research stuff will probably take a long time tonight. I need to know what sort of sales are going on right now. Pat, Francie and I were talking about cars this afternoon. I didn't realize Pat had been having problems with her Subaru (moreso with the dealership in Nicholasville than with the car itself), and that she has bought a new car. Wow. So... now I know that beige SUV is hers. heh. Anyway, she was telling me that Ford, GM, and maybe another are having really good cash back sales because it is the end of the year and they are wanting to get the cars off their lots. So... till January 3rd this is perfect time to get a car.

I will attempt to do much research tonight. This weekend or when I get back from Mississippi (or maybe IN Mississippi) I will make my change. Or, is there some sort of tax thing I have to deal with if I buy a car in one state but live in another?

I have much to learn about cars.

archive: 11 december 2005 U2 concert trip details

At least the cramps waited till I got back from the concert. oh well. I don't feel like doing anything but crawling into a ball and going to sleep. I might just do that and do all this poetry stuff Monday evening... It is due Tuesday.
But I will write my U2 summary now...

So, Friday when I went to the car rental place during lunch, the lady there said there weren't any cars available right then, but if something came up she'd call me or just hold it. But when I came back after work at 5, she didn't have a compact small car, but she had a truck... a big Chevy Silverado 4x4 truck. So I got it at the same rate as I would have gotten a small car. But once I signed the papers and drove off the lot and went to go get it gassed up... that's when I remembered big vehicles have poor mileage per gallon of gas. This truck has a tank holding over 20 gallons, and according vehicle stats it has "EPA Mileage 14/18", that refers to city/highway. I think it might get a little more on the highway than that... maybe 20. It also has AWD, which was good for me later on...

I get to Cleveland by way of I-75 to I-71 to I-90, hitting Lexington, Cincinnati, and Columbus on the way. It was so easy finding the Comfort Inn where I booked my room. Turned out that the room I had booked as two beds wasn't... Apparently she wasn't listening to me when I booked it. heh. So, I guess that worked out fine anyway since it was just me, and would have been awkward if anyone else had come up with me. I put my stuff up in the room, eyed my map, and decided to go for a walk down Euclid to 9th Street and walk that down to Eireside Street to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum, and to see Lake Erie. I took a bunch of pictures along that walk. It was cold, my nose was not cooperating, but I was happy and pleased and chilling out (literally). Not many people were out and about walking, but a few bums and beggers were out. I didn't carry cash on me though, so nothing to encourage more chatter than any pursued with me. So here's a link to the pictures that I took down that stretch.
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/cleveland/



Got to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum and looked around for a couple of hours. There's a lot of stuff there, but I went through and looked at particular floors abbreviatedly, and didn't look at one floor. Saw the RSO Records rejection letter from May 1979. Arista rejected them around the same time, but Island Records accepted them in 1980, and the rest is history. :) I saw other things, like the guitar being smashed by The Clash during their tour, which ended up being the photograph on their album cover, "London Calling"
Awesome. Saw plenty of Mick Jagger, Freddie Mercury, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Hanson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, The Allman Brothers, Michael Jackson.... etc.. all their concert outfits on display, among other things like hand-written setlists, first LPs, instruments from guitars to saxophones. Tons of stuff.

Walked back from the museum and got cleaned up, ate dinner at Subway 'cause I spent too long at the museum and underestimated the length of the walk. Then I caught a taxi with other people in the hotel to Gund Arena. A lot of people in the hotel were going to the concert. Before leaving, there was this one very hyper girl, who actually was 28, and talked to her and her friends a bit... she was very cute but also straight, I think. Anyway, she's a fanatic. heh. And she and her friends came from Toronto to this concert. wow. But I never caught up with them again...

Got to the Gund Arena (also called The Q) at 7 p.m. Found my seat easily. The place was NOT packed.... yet. Opening act started performing, Institute. I had no idea who they were until I heard a somewhat familiar song. But even then, all I knew was that I had heard them on the radio... and the lead singer's voice was vaguely familiar. Just after their show ended, two girls showed up in the seats behind me and I overheard one saying, "That's Gavin Rossdale... he used to be the lead singer in Bush." I felt like, oh duh! Anyway, Gavin was bouncing around a lot, and very energetic on stage. It was a good show, even as an opening act, but it would have been cooler if more people had shown up earlier. They played for about 45 minutes or so.

U2 started performing at 9 pm. Opened with "City of Blinding Lights" which is one of my favorite songs from the latest album, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Great show... The set /stage was a big oval, jetting out into the general admission area. Some people are in the oval, and the rest of the people outside of it. The oval's inner and outer edges were lined with light tubing, which lit up during various times in the show, solid, or spinning lights, changing colors, etic. And then sometimes these light-bead curtains came down, but you could still see through them, and they'd light up various pictures or patterns to go with the songs... I was in Section 210 Row 13 Seat 20, which was pretty high up, but I liked it. I could see the entire stage and where they were, and I could see them well enough, and definitely hear the music and vocals great. The stage had screens so if you wanted to see close-ups then you could glance over there and a camera was on each band member, splitting that screen into 4 blocks. Anyway, this is the setlist:
Setlist for December 10th, 2005, Cleveland, Ohio, U2 concert

Oh... what was I wearing? hahaha. I knew there wasn't a coat check but I didn't want to go with my coat and have to hang onto it or wear it for fear of someone taking it. So I put on my jeans, boots, a long sleeved black top (cuddle-duds warm top) underneath my velour black top with a white collar. Looked cute and simple enough, and was quite warm once I was excited and having adrenaline pumping in my blood after the concert. I walked outside, and though temp was probably close to 28 degrees (weather.com says that was the low for Dec. 10th) I wasn't all that cold. I had called a taxi and waited on him to show. Took him a while, and even through all that it still wasn't too cold, and the wind was really blowing. Heh. I am crazy, yes. Anyway, so earlier when that girl from Toronto was talking to me, she told there was supposed to be an afterparty at The Harp, an irish pub/bar. So I taxied there, and though it looked pretty neat, I didn't stay there longer than 45 minutes or so. Had a Vodka Collins there, and it didn't look there was an afterparty going on there afterall.

So I called a taxi to take me to Twist. I have a peeve about this though... I was talking with this new taxi man and he was all like, so, how do you know this city so well, talking like you live here, since I knew the name of the place and the street and everything... I think he was being an ass, cause once he dropped me off there at Twist and drove off, I went in and found out...what I thought was a lesbian club/bar was just a gay men's bar. hehe...

So I had to call another taxi to take me to Bounce, the only other club I knew of which was similar to Club Liquid or Bar Complex (Lexington's gay clubs). It was allright. I had a second Vodka Collins there, watched two couples playing pool, and then I went into the dance club area and danced a little. Very young people there, and I got bored easily. I stayed till they closed though 2:15 a.m., and had called the same taxi man who dropped me off there, but he took too long to get there, over 30 minutes or so, who knows.

While I was waiting, one of the officers/bouncers came and talked with me at the door while I waited, and then it was time to lock the place up. He (Eric) offered to let me wait for the taxi in his car, which I was hesitant about, but then I just felt a vibe that he was honest and worth trusting. We sat a while till his car warmed up, and taxi still didn't show, so he offered to give me a ride to the hotel afterall. I said ok. I was a little nervous about that, but he told me some about himself. He's been a policeman for 8 years, and born and raised in Cleveland. Anyway, maybe it was stupid, but I just felt that there was truth on the table and nothing bad was going to happen. He dropped me off at the hotel and I offered to pay him the same that I would have paid the taxi, but he said that it was ok.

Get back to the hotel and had planned on drawing a bath. The bathtub in my hotel room was a jacuzzi, but... the jacuzzi part didn't work and there was nothing to block the drain so it was only good for a shower. Heh... cheap hotel, so ok. Whatever. I went to bed. Slept hard. Woke at 7:30 to see that there was snow and more snow snowing and decided then that I was going to sleep for another hour because I didn't see any point in trying to drive when the snow was coming down fast and the roads were not salted yet. I went down for breakfast at 9:45 and checked out of the hotel at 10:30. I left the parking lot at 11, after cleaning off the snow and warming up the truck.

Also, the same taxi man who dropped me off at Twist told me about the hotel where I was staying. It is now a Comfort Inn, but it is still the same building. The subway I ate in had been the resturant. Take a read into this history, especially if you have seen the movie, Almost Famous. :) Wow... I stayed in what used to be "Swingos Celebrity Inn." :)

The interstate in Cleveland and all the way to Columbus was fine, but once I got just North of Columbus, barely in the city, the snow picked up and was icy and the Interstate was hard to travel on. I got off on the first exit and pulled into a gas station, waiting out the snow/ice. Talked to Mom on the phone to tell her what was going on, texted on the cell phone a little, and then drove across the street to the Mexican resturant to use the restroom (gas station didn't have one). When I finally felt like I could try the Interstate again (30-35 minutes after exiting it) I decided to leave, but as I was leaving the parking lot I stopped some people and asked them how they thought the interstate was at that moment. Not good they said, but one asked if the truck had AWD. I said it did, but I couldn't figure out how to turn it on, didn't see anything which said AWD. He pointed it out to me, and I was much happy at this, greater sense of safety for the road. I got back on the interstate with the AWD on and it was easier driving (yes at a low speed though, no 70 or 80, more like 50) because the roads were in fact better than when I exited (some 18-wheelers had come through and melted/smashed the ice some. I survived Columbus. Got to Cincinnati and it was starting to snow a little there, more the icy mix, but I got through that city too. It was dark before I got to Lexington, and then I finally got back to Berea. Straightaway dropped off my rental and picked up my car. I have to finish the paperwork during lunch tomorrow.
So... that was my trip in all its details. :)

archive: 4 december 2005: happy night

Great night.

Met a beautiful Canadian musician, Tracy Rice, at Mia's. We stayed for a few of her songs. She gave a shout out to Lisa for her 24th birthday and signed postcards for us all. She mentioned a poet I need to look up, Melissa Fadul, in a lit lournal (I think Lumina, April issue, poem about Frida Kahlo). She was very inspiring and down-to-earth to talk to. Love that. I had a Bloody Mary and a Vodka Collins at Mia's. Had a shot of peach vodka before leaving Lisa's.

At The Bar I had two vodka collins and a couple cups of water. I danced a lot. I felt like my feet were heavy. But I met Jo's friend of a friend Don. Hot, sweet, and hopefully will get to meet her again sometime. Made me smile dancing with her those times. And she's older than me, by like 5-6 years. Nice. Hopefully going to hang out with her and Jo sometime, but we'll see how things go. I'm just glad to have had a good time tonight.

I am about to go to sleep. Its 3:36 a.m. now. I'll probably sleep till 10 or 11. Jeff was a sweetheart to stay up and pick us all up from The Bar. Thanks buddy. :)

Sweet dreams to all and to all a good night.

Oh, and I will post pics when I get home. Wow, I have laundry to do tomorrow!

Oh, and I finally met Courtney! It was great meeting you, and I hope you had an awesome time last night, too. It was pretty neat seeing people I have seen on myspace there... I recognized a few faces. :)

archive: 4 december 2005: pictures

I have pictures from Friday and Saturday night up now.

Friday night: hanging out at Daniel and Stephanie's apartment with them, Amanda, Shae, Marissa, and Harold. I had a few good drinks, good music. I left at about 5:30 a.m. though and slept nearly all day Saturday.
Amanda Party Pics
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/friends/amanda_party/

The Saturday night was a "Lisa's Birthday Party" trip to The Bar Complex with Lisa, Jo, and Emily. Other friends showed up sporadically through the night. Jeff gave a ride to and from the bar. Pics are pre-dancing pics... Mine didn't turn out so well; I had the wrong setting on and they were blurry, and so were a few others. I get dumb with this camera sometimes. I ought to go back to my Canon manual.
Lisa's Birthday at Bar Complex
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/friends/bar_complex/

Ok... now I have laundry to go do...

archive: 1 december 2005: poem of sorts

Strong emotions declaring their name
and I declare my denial, dissatisfied want
of what I cannot have, accept, hold tight.
Burrow deep into my bones, under my skin,
under my thoughts, tumbling thoughts...
They tramp, stamp, rap, hiphop beat lines
until there's tracks scarring hard reminders
of who and what and where I am.
And this emotion tells me what it is,
and I tell it, "No, no, you're not. Go away,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
this is not what I am feeling, no."
And words trip back and forth,
tripping up feelings back and forth.
And I am tripped, stumbled facedown, and
turn to face upward, skyward, star-ward
and think, "not right now."
And words repeat over and over in my head.
And psychology rattles through and demands
sane thoughts - stop repeating - sane thoughts,
it tells me, will be the cure of my tripping up and down.
and I see my emotions retreating, mantra repeating,
repeating over and over in my head,
but retreating, and I feel colder now...
But maybe this is better than the cold
I would have faced if those
repeated words over and over in my head
were spoken.