Well, we talked with my cousin this morning. Mom and my sister wrote up pros and cons for every choice she has to choose from. Of course some had more pros than cons. She also didn't realize that no one had to know but the four of us. So she called and made an appointment, and will stay with my sister part of next week.
I wish I could be here for her next week. I wish I could hug her afterwards and tell her everything is going to be okay. And I wish so much for her. This decision she has made has been a hard one to make.
Today we (Mom, my cousin, and I) went to see The Family Stone, but we got there just before the previews ended, and had to sit in the second row from the front because it was a small theatre and all the other seats were full. But the movie was great, both funny and sad. I loved it. Really showed how insane all families can be.
We rented The Graduate tonight because we (my cousin and I) might go see Rumor Has it tomorrow, which is has a plot based on the older movie. Mom might join us for that one, too.
I am also going to try to take pics of the old King Edward Hotel tomorrow (black and white pics) before they tear it down in the next few months. It is a historical building but it has been left to rot for the last 20-30 years. So I intend to get great B&W pics of it for prosperity or remembrance or whatever.
ok, dinner now.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
archive: 25 december 2005: christmas loot
Lets see... The loot...
1. set of white sheets and white comforter for the bed
2. caramel scented candles with a little red candle holder
3. dark purple jacket and pants
4. grey pants, jacket, and camisole (might fit, have to try on, might be one size too small) Yes! It fits and it looks gooooood.
5. grey cardigan sweater (way too big, might take it back for a smaller size)
6. little Burt's Bees pouch of stuff
7. bath stuff from aunt linda and uncle leo
8. paint
9. framed rainbow picture painted by Ryland for me (Beth says she didn't think about the symbolism there, hehehe) I LOVE it.
10. black scarf, gloves, and headband
11. some chocolates
12. some liquor (Degarno sp?)
13. a cashmere sweater (very pretty and soft)
14. a bohemian style purse
15. couple small photo albums
16. and a few other knick-knacks I can't think of right now...
Pretty nice collection of things. My nephew's pile of toys is hilarious. :) And my sister got hr husband a pair of pajama shorts with a moose on them, and he'd happened to get the matching pajama set for her! It was funny. Mom loved her artwork from me. Yay.
Going down to Jackson this afternoon. See my cousin, 'cause she'll probably be back at the house tonight, or maybe tomorrow. I think the cats will have to stay in my Mom's room. Next time I come home for extended time I am going to pay someone to come to my house and check on the cats; I am not going to travel with them like this again. Its insane.
I am leaving my mom's on the 30th. I would stay the night at my sister's on the 29th, but that is so much unloading of the cats and their stuff for one night. If they are home I will stop by and visit Ryland for a few minutes and give him a kiss and hug. He's so smart. He's impatient though, and that will be something he'll struggle with. But I love the picture he gave me; it is so pretty. I have to think of where I am going to put it in the house.
Also, I dreamnt this idea last night or the other night. If Amanda (friend) does end up staying at my place in the guest room, I am going to move the computer and stuff into the "dining room" and just not have a dining room. And I just need to get some kind of cable converter to split the cable Tv and cable Internet from the same source (hit up RadioShack). That table will go behind the couch and will be a work/art table. I can't wait for March or April, when I have a yard sale. I would have one now except it is too freaking cold for that. Mine will be one of the first yard sales of the Spring.
Beth has asked me to make a similar art thing for Ryland, like I did for Mom. Something cowboy themed. I think it will be Ryland themed. ;) And maybe I will make others to sell, to show.
I need to get some pictures for the display in the library... 8 or 10 of them. This is going to be wild.
1. set of white sheets and white comforter for the bed
2. caramel scented candles with a little red candle holder
3. dark purple jacket and pants
4. grey pants, jacket, and camisole (might fit, have to try on, might be one size too small) Yes! It fits and it looks gooooood.
5. grey cardigan sweater (way too big, might take it back for a smaller size)
6. little Burt's Bees pouch of stuff
7. bath stuff from aunt linda and uncle leo
8. paint
9. framed rainbow picture painted by Ryland for me (Beth says she didn't think about the symbolism there, hehehe) I LOVE it.
10. black scarf, gloves, and headband
11. some chocolates
12. some liquor (Degarno sp?)
13. a cashmere sweater (very pretty and soft)
14. a bohemian style purse
15. couple small photo albums
16. and a few other knick-knacks I can't think of right now...
Pretty nice collection of things. My nephew's pile of toys is hilarious. :) And my sister got hr husband a pair of pajama shorts with a moose on them, and he'd happened to get the matching pajama set for her! It was funny. Mom loved her artwork from me. Yay.
Going down to Jackson this afternoon. See my cousin, 'cause she'll probably be back at the house tonight, or maybe tomorrow. I think the cats will have to stay in my Mom's room. Next time I come home for extended time I am going to pay someone to come to my house and check on the cats; I am not going to travel with them like this again. Its insane.
I am leaving my mom's on the 30th. I would stay the night at my sister's on the 29th, but that is so much unloading of the cats and their stuff for one night. If they are home I will stop by and visit Ryland for a few minutes and give him a kiss and hug. He's so smart. He's impatient though, and that will be something he'll struggle with. But I love the picture he gave me; it is so pretty. I have to think of where I am going to put it in the house.
Also, I dreamnt this idea last night or the other night. If Amanda (friend) does end up staying at my place in the guest room, I am going to move the computer and stuff into the "dining room" and just not have a dining room. And I just need to get some kind of cable converter to split the cable Tv and cable Internet from the same source (hit up RadioShack). That table will go behind the couch and will be a work/art table. I can't wait for March or April, when I have a yard sale. I would have one now except it is too freaking cold for that. Mine will be one of the first yard sales of the Spring.
Beth has asked me to make a similar art thing for Ryland, like I did for Mom. Something cowboy themed. I think it will be Ryland themed. ;) And maybe I will make others to sell, to show.
I need to get some pictures for the display in the library... 8 or 10 of them. This is going to be wild.
archive: 25 december 2005: jackson
Made it to my mom's house. Came in the door and I see she's working on a painting from a picture I took of myself back in Hattiesburg. I had played with the contrast, color, and then made the image "explode." heh. Lemme find a link to the pic. So that's kinda wild.
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/me_pics/me/2004020135.html
My cousin's not here, but I am hoping I see her tomorrow or later tonight.
Don't what I am going to do on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... but I'll find people to visit. :)
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/me_pics/me/2004020135.html
My cousin's not here, but I am hoping I see her tomorrow or later tonight.
Don't what I am going to do on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... but I'll find people to visit. :)
Friday, December 23, 2005
archive: 23 december 2005: children's museum
Well, I am off to take my nephew to the children's museum. Sweet. He needs to run off some energy. Christmas is really lighting him up. And maybe tonight I am going to go see "Memoirs of a Geisha."
I deleted that last post 'cause I was being insecure and ridiculous.
My mom is listening to some radio program on the computer about FlyLady. Funny. :)
I deleted that last post 'cause I was being insecure and ridiculous.
My mom is listening to some radio program on the computer about FlyLady. Funny. :)
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
archive: 20 december 2005: bottom drops out
Sorry.
I made it home all right.
The bottom just dropped out for me, that's all.
I cannot explain it. Or better yet, I ought not explain it. I do not want a pity party.
I am 29 years old. This sort of shit should have passed 14 years ago. But then again, I always have been invisible, on the whole.
ok. Good night.
Oh... side note: Maybe I shouldn't drink vodka. Maybe it does make me depressed. I am not sure, but it is entirely possible.
PS - The way I feel right now is not because of anything any one person did tonight. It is entirely ALL me making me feel this way. That is why I left suddenly. If I had stayed I would have gotten very pissy, very agitated, and very unfriendly, and even more depressed and then I would have witnessed pity party and then I would have felt worse, because nothing makes me feel worse than others feeling they have to give me attention for any reason other than they had wanted to in the first place. So... again, this is all me. I still love my friends.
I made it home all right.
The bottom just dropped out for me, that's all.
I cannot explain it. Or better yet, I ought not explain it. I do not want a pity party.
I am 29 years old. This sort of shit should have passed 14 years ago. But then again, I always have been invisible, on the whole.
ok. Good night.
Oh... side note: Maybe I shouldn't drink vodka. Maybe it does make me depressed. I am not sure, but it is entirely possible.
PS - The way I feel right now is not because of anything any one person did tonight. It is entirely ALL me making me feel this way. That is why I left suddenly. If I had stayed I would have gotten very pissy, very agitated, and very unfriendly, and even more depressed and then I would have witnessed pity party and then I would have felt worse, because nothing makes me feel worse than others feeling they have to give me attention for any reason other than they had wanted to in the first place. So... again, this is all me. I still love my friends.
archive: 20 december 2005: contemplating
yeah. ok. whatever.
Tonight's plan:
Get some white paint and paint that board. Let it dry and then start sticking all this stuff to it for Mom's Christmas present. I hope this mental idea of a piece of art actually creates itself. I hope it turns out great. I think I am just going to give my sister one of my framed photos. Not sure. I don't know what else; maybe that shadow box with the white gloves and blue scarf (might match the bedroom).
I also have three movies which came from Netflix. Watching them tonight. Just going to chill at the house. I'm tired.
Back to work I go.
Tonight's plan:
Get some white paint and paint that board. Let it dry and then start sticking all this stuff to it for Mom's Christmas present. I hope this mental idea of a piece of art actually creates itself. I hope it turns out great. I think I am just going to give my sister one of my framed photos. Not sure. I don't know what else; maybe that shadow box with the white gloves and blue scarf (might match the bedroom).
I also have three movies which came from Netflix. Watching them tonight. Just going to chill at the house. I'm tired.
Back to work I go.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
archive: 17 december 2005 Cars and Money and an anti-Anniversary
So....
Car shopping today. Went to Carmax. Drove the Pontiac Vibe. It is a cute car. Very nice on the inside, drives smoothly, felt very nice. I wish I could have spent time with it alone, cause I get too conscious of other people, ie, the car dealer, talking and looking and stuff. I needed to focus, but I guess I got it in anyway. Three hours later I am comparing my drive in my car to the Vibe's: I recall the Vibe's view out the rear window being tight, small. I like the large view I have out my rear window. I feel better about being able to see more. (I know that says a lot about my character too). The same with the back passenger window behind the driver. That window is smaller, so when I look over my left shoulder to make sure no one is in that lane, its not so good a view. I do not depend on side view mirrors; I learned that lesson.
Unfortunately I have bad credit. I could not get a bank auto loan because of that. So the only other way to pay for the car is to pay cash (I don't have that much) or to finance it through the dealership.
I had two finance options.
1. Americredit:
Amount Financed: $16,484.94 with a downpayment of $700 (that's the $500 they would give me for my car and the $200 I think I could realistically give them today if I were to get it today). First payment due on 1/28/06. For 60 months (5 years) an interest rate of 20.50% (because of my bad credit history) and monthly payments being $444.36.
This option I would be able to sign for it myself and not have to have a co-signer.
2. Wells Fargo:
Amount Financed: $14,265 with a required downpayment of $2,919.94 and requires me to have a co-signer, preferably someone with good credit. First payment due 1/25/06. For 60 months (5 years) an interest rate of 13.49% and monthly payments being $291.04. I would have to make that large downpayment and have a co-signer in order to have this lower interest rate.
Unfortunately they appraised my Mazda Protege at $500. That's because its a 1996, has been very worn, and they probably recognized that it needs axel work. Kelly Blue Book says that my car in Fair condition should trade-in at $950, so... not sure what to make of that difference, other than I think $500 is an awfully tiny amount for a pretty good car. She's old and tired, but still pretty reliable. And those two financing choices include that $500 trade-in. bah.
So... I don't think I am going to get a newer car right now. In fact, I think I am going to wait until June or July. I am going to get an estimate from DNC on how much it would cost to get those axels fixed. I won't be able to get them fixed before I go home this Wednesday, but I can go ahead and let him know I intend to have that worked on after January 2nd. It'd probably run between $900-1200. And people have told me that DNC will work out a payment plan, so that would be better. That's really the only problem with the car right now, and that can make it last me till June or July 2006. Probably privately sell my car for whatever it costs me to fix the axels or $950, whichever. Then use that plus a little more for a downpayment and in this time between now and June to build my credit better. Hopefully.
ALSO... Monday or Tuesday I am supposed to talk with my supervisor Steve about the project's progress. I am going to write some stuff up tomorrow about that. I am also going to ask if he thinks there's any possibility of me being hired on permanently. Either way, I need to know so I can make plans (ie, car stuff, savings). If I can stay, then I know for sure I will have a reliable income to make payments on a new car. If I am not going to be rehired, then I best not risk getting a new car this summer but save money for moving costs to where-ever I end up getting hired. I can hear Mom saying right now, "Yes, you do have the right to inquire about this possibility so that you can plan accordingly."
Wow. Plus... All this is spurred on because of a few horoscope statements too. Horoscope statements in italics with my interpretation afterwards.
www.freewillastrology.com (Dec. 15-21)
A while back you heard a commotion coming from behind the door of opportunity.
Ok. Maybe 8-10 months ago randomly Harry said something along the lines of its possible that I could be offered a permanent position, depending on circumstances and whatnot. It was mostly off-cuff chatter hypothetical talk. But still... Ed and Pat both were hired temporarily then were hired on permanently.
Now you may even be on the verge of giving up. But here's my advice to you: Start knocking on that door and don't stop until it opens. Keep knocking patiently and politely for an hour, for a day, for three weeks or six months--for as long as it takes. I don't know if the answer you'll receive when the door opens will be exactly the one you want, but it will provide you with the precise information you need to decide what to do next. And you'll never get that insight if you walk away now.
YEAH.... It is telling me to ask Steve about this, the only person who I can actually ask this of and the correct person for me to inform of my interests in possibly staying. As it says, I may or may not get the answer I want but I will get told the info I need to plan.
I also visit a Chinese horoscope thing, and its usually pretty spot-on.
http://www.horoscope.co.uk/dragon.htm (December, Dragon)
This is also a time area in which to watch out for dodgy deals, false smiles, hollow promises and slick but dishonest advertising.
This was referring the the mid-month time, and considering my opinions on the car offers, I don't like them and think they're dodgy. The Kelly Blue Book says that a 2003 Vibe at retail value in excellent condition should be sold for $11,650. Not sure why there is a difference, but... yeah. Plus, while dealer was gone to get some printouts, I got my book out, and I was starting to put it up when he came back and he saw it and said, "put that away, you won't need that here." I didn't especially like that attitude. hrm. I mentioned quickly that there was a price difference and wanted to know why but he went onward with figuring out the finance charges. So... dodgy.
I am going to mention all this stuff with my sister though, all the things about the car and financing, etc. See what she thinks about it.
Ok. Enough of that now. I am going to go watch Empire Records and eat ice cream.
OH. I remembered on the way home that today marks the One Year Anniversary of the day I met Becky. I almost went to Mia's for a drink. I fantasized the idea that she might would be there and we'd actually talk. But I decided that I didn't need to spend any money there. I am going to Mia's on Monday with friends for karaoke and that is a better memory to possess than going alone to Mia's tonight to remember the night we first met. Tomorrow night will be the day we first kissed. I actually can't remember the actual date we first.... heh. But that is sometime in late January or early February.
Car shopping today. Went to Carmax. Drove the Pontiac Vibe. It is a cute car. Very nice on the inside, drives smoothly, felt very nice. I wish I could have spent time with it alone, cause I get too conscious of other people, ie, the car dealer, talking and looking and stuff. I needed to focus, but I guess I got it in anyway. Three hours later I am comparing my drive in my car to the Vibe's: I recall the Vibe's view out the rear window being tight, small. I like the large view I have out my rear window. I feel better about being able to see more. (I know that says a lot about my character too). The same with the back passenger window behind the driver. That window is smaller, so when I look over my left shoulder to make sure no one is in that lane, its not so good a view. I do not depend on side view mirrors; I learned that lesson.
Unfortunately I have bad credit. I could not get a bank auto loan because of that. So the only other way to pay for the car is to pay cash (I don't have that much) or to finance it through the dealership.
I had two finance options.
1. Americredit:
Amount Financed: $16,484.94 with a downpayment of $700 (that's the $500 they would give me for my car and the $200 I think I could realistically give them today if I were to get it today). First payment due on 1/28/06. For 60 months (5 years) an interest rate of 20.50% (because of my bad credit history) and monthly payments being $444.36.
This option I would be able to sign for it myself and not have to have a co-signer.
2. Wells Fargo:
Amount Financed: $14,265 with a required downpayment of $2,919.94 and requires me to have a co-signer, preferably someone with good credit. First payment due 1/25/06. For 60 months (5 years) an interest rate of 13.49% and monthly payments being $291.04. I would have to make that large downpayment and have a co-signer in order to have this lower interest rate.
Unfortunately they appraised my Mazda Protege at $500. That's because its a 1996, has been very worn, and they probably recognized that it needs axel work. Kelly Blue Book says that my car in Fair condition should trade-in at $950, so... not sure what to make of that difference, other than I think $500 is an awfully tiny amount for a pretty good car. She's old and tired, but still pretty reliable. And those two financing choices include that $500 trade-in. bah.
So... I don't think I am going to get a newer car right now. In fact, I think I am going to wait until June or July. I am going to get an estimate from DNC on how much it would cost to get those axels fixed. I won't be able to get them fixed before I go home this Wednesday, but I can go ahead and let him know I intend to have that worked on after January 2nd. It'd probably run between $900-1200. And people have told me that DNC will work out a payment plan, so that would be better. That's really the only problem with the car right now, and that can make it last me till June or July 2006. Probably privately sell my car for whatever it costs me to fix the axels or $950, whichever. Then use that plus a little more for a downpayment and in this time between now and June to build my credit better. Hopefully.
ALSO... Monday or Tuesday I am supposed to talk with my supervisor Steve about the project's progress. I am going to write some stuff up tomorrow about that. I am also going to ask if he thinks there's any possibility of me being hired on permanently. Either way, I need to know so I can make plans (ie, car stuff, savings). If I can stay, then I know for sure I will have a reliable income to make payments on a new car. If I am not going to be rehired, then I best not risk getting a new car this summer but save money for moving costs to where-ever I end up getting hired. I can hear Mom saying right now, "Yes, you do have the right to inquire about this possibility so that you can plan accordingly."
Wow. Plus... All this is spurred on because of a few horoscope statements too. Horoscope statements in italics with my interpretation afterwards.
www.freewillastrology.com (Dec. 15-21)
A while back you heard a commotion coming from behind the door of opportunity.
Ok. Maybe 8-10 months ago randomly Harry said something along the lines of its possible that I could be offered a permanent position, depending on circumstances and whatnot. It was mostly off-cuff chatter hypothetical talk. But still... Ed and Pat both were hired temporarily then were hired on permanently.
Now you may even be on the verge of giving up. But here's my advice to you: Start knocking on that door and don't stop until it opens. Keep knocking patiently and politely for an hour, for a day, for three weeks or six months--for as long as it takes. I don't know if the answer you'll receive when the door opens will be exactly the one you want, but it will provide you with the precise information you need to decide what to do next. And you'll never get that insight if you walk away now.
YEAH.... It is telling me to ask Steve about this, the only person who I can actually ask this of and the correct person for me to inform of my interests in possibly staying. As it says, I may or may not get the answer I want but I will get told the info I need to plan.
I also visit a Chinese horoscope thing, and its usually pretty spot-on.
http://www.horoscope.co.uk/dragon.htm (December, Dragon)
This is also a time area in which to watch out for dodgy deals, false smiles, hollow promises and slick but dishonest advertising.
This was referring the the mid-month time, and considering my opinions on the car offers, I don't like them and think they're dodgy. The Kelly Blue Book says that a 2003 Vibe at retail value in excellent condition should be sold for $11,650. Not sure why there is a difference, but... yeah. Plus, while dealer was gone to get some printouts, I got my book out, and I was starting to put it up when he came back and he saw it and said, "put that away, you won't need that here." I didn't especially like that attitude. hrm. I mentioned quickly that there was a price difference and wanted to know why but he went onward with figuring out the finance charges. So... dodgy.
I am going to mention all this stuff with my sister though, all the things about the car and financing, etc. See what she thinks about it.
Ok. Enough of that now. I am going to go watch Empire Records and eat ice cream.
OH. I remembered on the way home that today marks the One Year Anniversary of the day I met Becky. I almost went to Mia's for a drink. I fantasized the idea that she might would be there and we'd actually talk. But I decided that I didn't need to spend any money there. I am going to Mia's on Monday with friends for karaoke and that is a better memory to possess than going alone to Mia's tonight to remember the night we first met. Tomorrow night will be the day we first kissed. I actually can't remember the actual date we first.... heh. But that is sometime in late January or early February.
Friday, December 16, 2005
archive: 16 december 2005: car and new year's eve
So I got turned down on the auto loan from the bank. I kind knew that was going to happen, but I had had hope. Oh well. I know, I have bad past credit and it still haunts me. I am making good right now, but its not been long enough according to the creditors. Alas, must struggle onward.
I am trying to decide whether or not if I will go ahead and go completely through with it tomorrow on the car deal. If I go over there, talk with them, look at the car, talk and look at the financing options.... I could go ahead and go through with it, since dealership financing basically deals with the fact many of their clients won't have good credit standing, only disadvantage is that I will have a few extra charges. I will look at that tomorrow when I am there and consider it.
And... If I go through with it tomorrow, that means I will go home with a new car, and not have told Mom anything about it... I don't know. I kinda don't want to go into talking about financial stuff with Mom, getting her worried and stuff. Maybe in Louisville I will go and talk and see and learn, but will not make the deal. Say that I am going to consider it over the Christmas break and possibly make the deal when I come back in a couple of weeks. Yeah... This will also let me know how much they are willing to buy my car.
That may be the best no hassle choice. I can talk to Mom about this stuff without her being worrisome and then make better educated choices afterward, kinda preparing her by letting her know I have been thinking about doing this. Yes, I think this will be a better decision.
Hopefully that car will still be on the lot in 2 weeks.
I am going to come back to Berea on the 29th or 30th.
Anything happening for NEW YEAR's??
I am trying to decide whether or not if I will go ahead and go completely through with it tomorrow on the car deal. If I go over there, talk with them, look at the car, talk and look at the financing options.... I could go ahead and go through with it, since dealership financing basically deals with the fact many of their clients won't have good credit standing, only disadvantage is that I will have a few extra charges. I will look at that tomorrow when I am there and consider it.
And... If I go through with it tomorrow, that means I will go home with a new car, and not have told Mom anything about it... I don't know. I kinda don't want to go into talking about financial stuff with Mom, getting her worried and stuff. Maybe in Louisville I will go and talk and see and learn, but will not make the deal. Say that I am going to consider it over the Christmas break and possibly make the deal when I come back in a couple of weeks. Yeah... This will also let me know how much they are willing to buy my car.
That may be the best no hassle choice. I can talk to Mom about this stuff without her being worrisome and then make better educated choices afterward, kinda preparing her by letting her know I have been thinking about doing this. Yes, I think this will be a better decision.
Hopefully that car will still be on the lot in 2 weeks.
I am going to come back to Berea on the 29th or 30th.
Anything happening for NEW YEAR's??
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
archive: 14 december 2005 researching cars
Plans tonight:
1. Research cars. Make list of available ones in area to inquire about.
2. Finish dishes (ran out of hot water last night)
3. Empty garbage
4. Bills
5. Drink more wine.
6. Blast music.
7. Burn LWord mp3 CD
I SOOOO want a newer car right now. Terribly so. So the car research stuff will probably take a long time tonight. I need to know what sort of sales are going on right now. Pat, Francie and I were talking about cars this afternoon. I didn't realize Pat had been having problems with her Subaru (moreso with the dealership in Nicholasville than with the car itself), and that she has bought a new car. Wow. So... now I know that beige SUV is hers. heh. Anyway, she was telling me that Ford, GM, and maybe another are having really good cash back sales because it is the end of the year and they are wanting to get the cars off their lots. So... till January 3rd this is perfect time to get a car.
I will attempt to do much research tonight. This weekend or when I get back from Mississippi (or maybe IN Mississippi) I will make my change. Or, is there some sort of tax thing I have to deal with if I buy a car in one state but live in another?
I have much to learn about cars.
1. Research cars. Make list of available ones in area to inquire about.
2. Finish dishes (ran out of hot water last night)
3. Empty garbage
4. Bills
5. Drink more wine.
6. Blast music.
7. Burn LWord mp3 CD
I SOOOO want a newer car right now. Terribly so. So the car research stuff will probably take a long time tonight. I need to know what sort of sales are going on right now. Pat, Francie and I were talking about cars this afternoon. I didn't realize Pat had been having problems with her Subaru (moreso with the dealership in Nicholasville than with the car itself), and that she has bought a new car. Wow. So... now I know that beige SUV is hers. heh. Anyway, she was telling me that Ford, GM, and maybe another are having really good cash back sales because it is the end of the year and they are wanting to get the cars off their lots. So... till January 3rd this is perfect time to get a car.
I will attempt to do much research tonight. This weekend or when I get back from Mississippi (or maybe IN Mississippi) I will make my change. Or, is there some sort of tax thing I have to deal with if I buy a car in one state but live in another?
I have much to learn about cars.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
archive: 11 december 2005 U2 concert trip details
At least the cramps waited till I got back from the concert. oh well. I don't feel like doing anything but crawling into a ball and going to sleep. I might just do that and do all this poetry stuff Monday evening... It is due Tuesday.
But I will write my U2 summary now...
So, Friday when I went to the car rental place during lunch, the lady there said there weren't any cars available right then, but if something came up she'd call me or just hold it. But when I came back after work at 5, she didn't have a compact small car, but she had a truck... a big Chevy Silverado 4x4 truck. So I got it at the same rate as I would have gotten a small car. But once I signed the papers and drove off the lot and went to go get it gassed up... that's when I remembered big vehicles have poor mileage per gallon of gas. This truck has a tank holding over 20 gallons, and according vehicle stats it has "EPA Mileage 14/18", that refers to city/highway. I think it might get a little more on the highway than that... maybe 20. It also has AWD, which was good for me later on...
I get to Cleveland by way of I-75 to I-71 to I-90, hitting Lexington, Cincinnati, and Columbus on the way. It was so easy finding the Comfort Inn where I booked my room. Turned out that the room I had booked as two beds wasn't... Apparently she wasn't listening to me when I booked it. heh. So, I guess that worked out fine anyway since it was just me, and would have been awkward if anyone else had come up with me. I put my stuff up in the room, eyed my map, and decided to go for a walk down Euclid to 9th Street and walk that down to Eireside Street to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum, and to see Lake Erie. I took a bunch of pictures along that walk. It was cold, my nose was not cooperating, but I was happy and pleased and chilling out (literally). Not many people were out and about walking, but a few bums and beggers were out. I didn't carry cash on me though, so nothing to encourage more chatter than any pursued with me. So here's a link to the pictures that I took down that stretch.
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/cleveland/
Got to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum and looked around for a couple of hours. There's a lot of stuff there, but I went through and looked at particular floors abbreviatedly, and didn't look at one floor. Saw the RSO Records rejection letter from May 1979. Arista rejected them around the same time, but Island Records accepted them in 1980, and the rest is history. :) I saw other things, like the guitar being smashed by The Clash during their tour, which ended up being the photograph on their album cover, "London Calling"
Awesome. Saw plenty of Mick Jagger, Freddie Mercury, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Hanson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, The Allman Brothers, Michael Jackson.... etc.. all their concert outfits on display, among other things like hand-written setlists, first LPs, instruments from guitars to saxophones. Tons of stuff.
Walked back from the museum and got cleaned up, ate dinner at Subway 'cause I spent too long at the museum and underestimated the length of the walk. Then I caught a taxi with other people in the hotel to Gund Arena. A lot of people in the hotel were going to the concert. Before leaving, there was this one very hyper girl, who actually was 28, and talked to her and her friends a bit... she was very cute but also straight, I think. Anyway, she's a fanatic. heh. And she and her friends came from Toronto to this concert. wow. But I never caught up with them again...
Got to the Gund Arena (also called The Q) at 7 p.m. Found my seat easily. The place was NOT packed.... yet. Opening act started performing, Institute. I had no idea who they were until I heard a somewhat familiar song. But even then, all I knew was that I had heard them on the radio... and the lead singer's voice was vaguely familiar. Just after their show ended, two girls showed up in the seats behind me and I overheard one saying, "That's Gavin Rossdale... he used to be the lead singer in Bush." I felt like, oh duh! Anyway, Gavin was bouncing around a lot, and very energetic on stage. It was a good show, even as an opening act, but it would have been cooler if more people had shown up earlier. They played for about 45 minutes or so.
U2 started performing at 9 pm. Opened with "City of Blinding Lights" which is one of my favorite songs from the latest album, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Great show... The set /stage was a big oval, jetting out into the general admission area. Some people are in the oval, and the rest of the people outside of it. The oval's inner and outer edges were lined with light tubing, which lit up during various times in the show, solid, or spinning lights, changing colors, etic. And then sometimes these light-bead curtains came down, but you could still see through them, and they'd light up various pictures or patterns to go with the songs... I was in Section 210 Row 13 Seat 20, which was pretty high up, but I liked it. I could see the entire stage and where they were, and I could see them well enough, and definitely hear the music and vocals great. The stage had screens so if you wanted to see close-ups then you could glance over there and a camera was on each band member, splitting that screen into 4 blocks. Anyway, this is the setlist:
Setlist for December 10th, 2005, Cleveland, Ohio, U2 concert
Oh... what was I wearing? hahaha. I knew there wasn't a coat check but I didn't want to go with my coat and have to hang onto it or wear it for fear of someone taking it. So I put on my jeans, boots, a long sleeved black top (cuddle-duds warm top) underneath my velour black top with a white collar. Looked cute and simple enough, and was quite warm once I was excited and having adrenaline pumping in my blood after the concert. I walked outside, and though temp was probably close to 28 degrees (weather.com says that was the low for Dec. 10th) I wasn't all that cold. I had called a taxi and waited on him to show. Took him a while, and even through all that it still wasn't too cold, and the wind was really blowing. Heh. I am crazy, yes. Anyway, so earlier when that girl from Toronto was talking to me, she told there was supposed to be an afterparty at The Harp, an irish pub/bar. So I taxied there, and though it looked pretty neat, I didn't stay there longer than 45 minutes or so. Had a Vodka Collins there, and it didn't look there was an afterparty going on there afterall.
So I called a taxi to take me to Twist. I have a peeve about this though... I was talking with this new taxi man and he was all like, so, how do you know this city so well, talking like you live here, since I knew the name of the place and the street and everything... I think he was being an ass, cause once he dropped me off there at Twist and drove off, I went in and found out...what I thought was a lesbian club/bar was just a gay men's bar. hehe...
So I had to call another taxi to take me to Bounce, the only other club I knew of which was similar to Club Liquid or Bar Complex (Lexington's gay clubs). It was allright. I had a second Vodka Collins there, watched two couples playing pool, and then I went into the dance club area and danced a little. Very young people there, and I got bored easily. I stayed till they closed though 2:15 a.m., and had called the same taxi man who dropped me off there, but he took too long to get there, over 30 minutes or so, who knows.
While I was waiting, one of the officers/bouncers came and talked with me at the door while I waited, and then it was time to lock the place up. He (Eric) offered to let me wait for the taxi in his car, which I was hesitant about, but then I just felt a vibe that he was honest and worth trusting. We sat a while till his car warmed up, and taxi still didn't show, so he offered to give me a ride to the hotel afterall. I said ok. I was a little nervous about that, but he told me some about himself. He's been a policeman for 8 years, and born and raised in Cleveland. Anyway, maybe it was stupid, but I just felt that there was truth on the table and nothing bad was going to happen. He dropped me off at the hotel and I offered to pay him the same that I would have paid the taxi, but he said that it was ok.
Get back to the hotel and had planned on drawing a bath. The bathtub in my hotel room was a jacuzzi, but... the jacuzzi part didn't work and there was nothing to block the drain so it was only good for a shower. Heh... cheap hotel, so ok. Whatever. I went to bed. Slept hard. Woke at 7:30 to see that there was snow and more snow snowing and decided then that I was going to sleep for another hour because I didn't see any point in trying to drive when the snow was coming down fast and the roads were not salted yet. I went down for breakfast at 9:45 and checked out of the hotel at 10:30. I left the parking lot at 11, after cleaning off the snow and warming up the truck.
Also, the same taxi man who dropped me off at Twist told me about the hotel where I was staying. It is now a Comfort Inn, but it is still the same building. The subway I ate in had been the resturant. Take a read into this history, especially if you have seen the movie, Almost Famous. :) Wow... I stayed in what used to be "Swingos Celebrity Inn." :)
The interstate in Cleveland and all the way to Columbus was fine, but once I got just North of Columbus, barely in the city, the snow picked up and was icy and the Interstate was hard to travel on. I got off on the first exit and pulled into a gas station, waiting out the snow/ice. Talked to Mom on the phone to tell her what was going on, texted on the cell phone a little, and then drove across the street to the Mexican resturant to use the restroom (gas station didn't have one). When I finally felt like I could try the Interstate again (30-35 minutes after exiting it) I decided to leave, but as I was leaving the parking lot I stopped some people and asked them how they thought the interstate was at that moment. Not good they said, but one asked if the truck had AWD. I said it did, but I couldn't figure out how to turn it on, didn't see anything which said AWD. He pointed it out to me, and I was much happy at this, greater sense of safety for the road. I got back on the interstate with the AWD on and it was easier driving (yes at a low speed though, no 70 or 80, more like 50) because the roads were in fact better than when I exited (some 18-wheelers had come through and melted/smashed the ice some. I survived Columbus. Got to Cincinnati and it was starting to snow a little there, more the icy mix, but I got through that city too. It was dark before I got to Lexington, and then I finally got back to Berea. Straightaway dropped off my rental and picked up my car. I have to finish the paperwork during lunch tomorrow.
So... that was my trip in all its details. :)
But I will write my U2 summary now...
So, Friday when I went to the car rental place during lunch, the lady there said there weren't any cars available right then, but if something came up she'd call me or just hold it. But when I came back after work at 5, she didn't have a compact small car, but she had a truck... a big Chevy Silverado 4x4 truck. So I got it at the same rate as I would have gotten a small car. But once I signed the papers and drove off the lot and went to go get it gassed up... that's when I remembered big vehicles have poor mileage per gallon of gas. This truck has a tank holding over 20 gallons, and according vehicle stats it has "EPA Mileage 14/18", that refers to city/highway. I think it might get a little more on the highway than that... maybe 20. It also has AWD, which was good for me later on...
I get to Cleveland by way of I-75 to I-71 to I-90, hitting Lexington, Cincinnati, and Columbus on the way. It was so easy finding the Comfort Inn where I booked my room. Turned out that the room I had booked as two beds wasn't... Apparently she wasn't listening to me when I booked it. heh. So, I guess that worked out fine anyway since it was just me, and would have been awkward if anyone else had come up with me. I put my stuff up in the room, eyed my map, and decided to go for a walk down Euclid to 9th Street and walk that down to Eireside Street to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum, and to see Lake Erie. I took a bunch of pictures along that walk. It was cold, my nose was not cooperating, but I was happy and pleased and chilling out (literally). Not many people were out and about walking, but a few bums and beggers were out. I didn't carry cash on me though, so nothing to encourage more chatter than any pursued with me. So here's a link to the pictures that I took down that stretch.
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/ohio/cleveland/
Got to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum and looked around for a couple of hours. There's a lot of stuff there, but I went through and looked at particular floors abbreviatedly, and didn't look at one floor. Saw the RSO Records rejection letter from May 1979. Arista rejected them around the same time, but Island Records accepted them in 1980, and the rest is history. :) I saw other things, like the guitar being smashed by The Clash during their tour, which ended up being the photograph on their album cover, "London Calling"
Awesome. Saw plenty of Mick Jagger, Freddie Mercury, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Hanson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, The Allman Brothers, Michael Jackson.... etc.. all their concert outfits on display, among other things like hand-written setlists, first LPs, instruments from guitars to saxophones. Tons of stuff.
Walked back from the museum and got cleaned up, ate dinner at Subway 'cause I spent too long at the museum and underestimated the length of the walk. Then I caught a taxi with other people in the hotel to Gund Arena. A lot of people in the hotel were going to the concert. Before leaving, there was this one very hyper girl, who actually was 28, and talked to her and her friends a bit... she was very cute but also straight, I think. Anyway, she's a fanatic. heh. And she and her friends came from Toronto to this concert. wow. But I never caught up with them again...
Got to the Gund Arena (also called The Q) at 7 p.m. Found my seat easily. The place was NOT packed.... yet. Opening act started performing, Institute. I had no idea who they were until I heard a somewhat familiar song. But even then, all I knew was that I had heard them on the radio... and the lead singer's voice was vaguely familiar. Just after their show ended, two girls showed up in the seats behind me and I overheard one saying, "That's Gavin Rossdale... he used to be the lead singer in Bush." I felt like, oh duh! Anyway, Gavin was bouncing around a lot, and very energetic on stage. It was a good show, even as an opening act, but it would have been cooler if more people had shown up earlier. They played for about 45 minutes or so.
U2 started performing at 9 pm. Opened with "City of Blinding Lights" which is one of my favorite songs from the latest album, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Great show... The set /stage was a big oval, jetting out into the general admission area. Some people are in the oval, and the rest of the people outside of it. The oval's inner and outer edges were lined with light tubing, which lit up during various times in the show, solid, or spinning lights, changing colors, etic. And then sometimes these light-bead curtains came down, but you could still see through them, and they'd light up various pictures or patterns to go with the songs... I was in Section 210 Row 13 Seat 20, which was pretty high up, but I liked it. I could see the entire stage and where they were, and I could see them well enough, and definitely hear the music and vocals great. The stage had screens so if you wanted to see close-ups then you could glance over there and a camera was on each band member, splitting that screen into 4 blocks. Anyway, this is the setlist:
Setlist for December 10th, 2005, Cleveland, Ohio, U2 concert
Oh... what was I wearing? hahaha. I knew there wasn't a coat check but I didn't want to go with my coat and have to hang onto it or wear it for fear of someone taking it. So I put on my jeans, boots, a long sleeved black top (cuddle-duds warm top) underneath my velour black top with a white collar. Looked cute and simple enough, and was quite warm once I was excited and having adrenaline pumping in my blood after the concert. I walked outside, and though temp was probably close to 28 degrees (weather.com says that was the low for Dec. 10th) I wasn't all that cold. I had called a taxi and waited on him to show. Took him a while, and even through all that it still wasn't too cold, and the wind was really blowing. Heh. I am crazy, yes. Anyway, so earlier when that girl from Toronto was talking to me, she told there was supposed to be an afterparty at The Harp, an irish pub/bar. So I taxied there, and though it looked pretty neat, I didn't stay there longer than 45 minutes or so. Had a Vodka Collins there, and it didn't look there was an afterparty going on there afterall.
So I called a taxi to take me to Twist. I have a peeve about this though... I was talking with this new taxi man and he was all like, so, how do you know this city so well, talking like you live here, since I knew the name of the place and the street and everything... I think he was being an ass, cause once he dropped me off there at Twist and drove off, I went in and found out...what I thought was a lesbian club/bar was just a gay men's bar. hehe...
So I had to call another taxi to take me to Bounce, the only other club I knew of which was similar to Club Liquid or Bar Complex (Lexington's gay clubs). It was allright. I had a second Vodka Collins there, watched two couples playing pool, and then I went into the dance club area and danced a little. Very young people there, and I got bored easily. I stayed till they closed though 2:15 a.m., and had called the same taxi man who dropped me off there, but he took too long to get there, over 30 minutes or so, who knows.
While I was waiting, one of the officers/bouncers came and talked with me at the door while I waited, and then it was time to lock the place up. He (Eric) offered to let me wait for the taxi in his car, which I was hesitant about, but then I just felt a vibe that he was honest and worth trusting. We sat a while till his car warmed up, and taxi still didn't show, so he offered to give me a ride to the hotel afterall. I said ok. I was a little nervous about that, but he told me some about himself. He's been a policeman for 8 years, and born and raised in Cleveland. Anyway, maybe it was stupid, but I just felt that there was truth on the table and nothing bad was going to happen. He dropped me off at the hotel and I offered to pay him the same that I would have paid the taxi, but he said that it was ok.
Get back to the hotel and had planned on drawing a bath. The bathtub in my hotel room was a jacuzzi, but... the jacuzzi part didn't work and there was nothing to block the drain so it was only good for a shower. Heh... cheap hotel, so ok. Whatever. I went to bed. Slept hard. Woke at 7:30 to see that there was snow and more snow snowing and decided then that I was going to sleep for another hour because I didn't see any point in trying to drive when the snow was coming down fast and the roads were not salted yet. I went down for breakfast at 9:45 and checked out of the hotel at 10:30. I left the parking lot at 11, after cleaning off the snow and warming up the truck.
Also, the same taxi man who dropped me off at Twist told me about the hotel where I was staying. It is now a Comfort Inn, but it is still the same building. The subway I ate in had been the resturant. Take a read into this history, especially if you have seen the movie, Almost Famous. :) Wow... I stayed in what used to be "Swingos Celebrity Inn." :)
The interstate in Cleveland and all the way to Columbus was fine, but once I got just North of Columbus, barely in the city, the snow picked up and was icy and the Interstate was hard to travel on. I got off on the first exit and pulled into a gas station, waiting out the snow/ice. Talked to Mom on the phone to tell her what was going on, texted on the cell phone a little, and then drove across the street to the Mexican resturant to use the restroom (gas station didn't have one). When I finally felt like I could try the Interstate again (30-35 minutes after exiting it) I decided to leave, but as I was leaving the parking lot I stopped some people and asked them how they thought the interstate was at that moment. Not good they said, but one asked if the truck had AWD. I said it did, but I couldn't figure out how to turn it on, didn't see anything which said AWD. He pointed it out to me, and I was much happy at this, greater sense of safety for the road. I got back on the interstate with the AWD on and it was easier driving (yes at a low speed though, no 70 or 80, more like 50) because the roads were in fact better than when I exited (some 18-wheelers had come through and melted/smashed the ice some. I survived Columbus. Got to Cincinnati and it was starting to snow a little there, more the icy mix, but I got through that city too. It was dark before I got to Lexington, and then I finally got back to Berea. Straightaway dropped off my rental and picked up my car. I have to finish the paperwork during lunch tomorrow.
So... that was my trip in all its details. :)
Sunday, December 4, 2005
archive: 4 december 2005: happy night
Great night.
Met a beautiful Canadian musician, Tracy Rice, at Mia's. We stayed for a few of her songs. She gave a shout out to Lisa for her 24th birthday and signed postcards for us all. She mentioned a poet I need to look up, Melissa Fadul, in a lit lournal (I think Lumina, April issue, poem about Frida Kahlo). She was very inspiring and down-to-earth to talk to. Love that. I had a Bloody Mary and a Vodka Collins at Mia's. Had a shot of peach vodka before leaving Lisa's.
At The Bar I had two vodka collins and a couple cups of water. I danced a lot. I felt like my feet were heavy. But I met Jo's friend of a friend Don. Hot, sweet, and hopefully will get to meet her again sometime. Made me smile dancing with her those times. And she's older than me, by like 5-6 years. Nice. Hopefully going to hang out with her and Jo sometime, but we'll see how things go. I'm just glad to have had a good time tonight.
I am about to go to sleep. Its 3:36 a.m. now. I'll probably sleep till 10 or 11. Jeff was a sweetheart to stay up and pick us all up from The Bar. Thanks buddy. :)
Sweet dreams to all and to all a good night.
Oh, and I will post pics when I get home. Wow, I have laundry to do tomorrow!
Oh, and I finally met Courtney! It was great meeting you, and I hope you had an awesome time last night, too. It was pretty neat seeing people I have seen on myspace there... I recognized a few faces. :)
Met a beautiful Canadian musician, Tracy Rice, at Mia's. We stayed for a few of her songs. She gave a shout out to Lisa for her 24th birthday and signed postcards for us all. She mentioned a poet I need to look up, Melissa Fadul, in a lit lournal (I think Lumina, April issue, poem about Frida Kahlo). She was very inspiring and down-to-earth to talk to. Love that. I had a Bloody Mary and a Vodka Collins at Mia's. Had a shot of peach vodka before leaving Lisa's.
At The Bar I had two vodka collins and a couple cups of water. I danced a lot. I felt like my feet were heavy. But I met Jo's friend of a friend Don. Hot, sweet, and hopefully will get to meet her again sometime. Made me smile dancing with her those times. And she's older than me, by like 5-6 years. Nice. Hopefully going to hang out with her and Jo sometime, but we'll see how things go. I'm just glad to have had a good time tonight.
I am about to go to sleep. Its 3:36 a.m. now. I'll probably sleep till 10 or 11. Jeff was a sweetheart to stay up and pick us all up from The Bar. Thanks buddy. :)
Sweet dreams to all and to all a good night.
Oh, and I will post pics when I get home. Wow, I have laundry to do tomorrow!
Oh, and I finally met Courtney! It was great meeting you, and I hope you had an awesome time last night, too. It was pretty neat seeing people I have seen on myspace there... I recognized a few faces. :)
archive: 4 december 2005: pictures
I have pictures from Friday and Saturday night up now.
Friday night: hanging out at Daniel and Stephanie's apartment with them, Amanda, Shae, Marissa, and Harold. I had a few good drinks, good music. I left at about 5:30 a.m. though and slept nearly all day Saturday.
Amanda Party Pics
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/friends/amanda_party/
The Saturday night was a "Lisa's Birthday Party" trip to The Bar Complex with Lisa, Jo, and Emily. Other friends showed up sporadically through the night. Jeff gave a ride to and from the bar. Pics are pre-dancing pics... Mine didn't turn out so well; I had the wrong setting on and they were blurry, and so were a few others. I get dumb with this camera sometimes. I ought to go back to my Canon manual.
Lisa's Birthday at Bar Complex
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/friends/bar_complex/
Ok... now I have laundry to go do...
Friday night: hanging out at Daniel and Stephanie's apartment with them, Amanda, Shae, Marissa, and Harold. I had a few good drinks, good music. I left at about 5:30 a.m. though and slept nearly all day Saturday.
Amanda Party Pics
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/friends/amanda_party/
The Saturday night was a "Lisa's Birthday Party" trip to The Bar Complex with Lisa, Jo, and Emily. Other friends showed up sporadically through the night. Jeff gave a ride to and from the bar. Pics are pre-dancing pics... Mine didn't turn out so well; I had the wrong setting on and they were blurry, and so were a few others. I get dumb with this camera sometimes. I ought to go back to my Canon manual.
Lisa's Birthday at Bar Complex
http://public.fotki.com/blueathena/kentucky/friends/bar_complex/
Ok... now I have laundry to go do...
Thursday, December 1, 2005
archive: 1 december 2005: poem of sorts
Strong emotions declaring their name
and I declare my denial, dissatisfied want
of what I cannot have, accept, hold tight.
Burrow deep into my bones, under my skin,
under my thoughts, tumbling thoughts...
They tramp, stamp, rap, hiphop beat lines
until there's tracks scarring hard reminders
of who and what and where I am.
And this emotion tells me what it is,
and I tell it, "No, no, you're not. Go away,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
this is not what I am feeling, no."
And words trip back and forth,
tripping up feelings back and forth.
And I am tripped, stumbled facedown, and
turn to face upward, skyward, star-ward
and think, "not right now."
And words repeat over and over in my head.
And psychology rattles through and demands
sane thoughts - stop repeating - sane thoughts,
it tells me, will be the cure of my tripping up and down.
and I see my emotions retreating, mantra repeating,
repeating over and over in my head,
but retreating, and I feel colder now...
But maybe this is better than the cold
I would have faced if those
repeated words over and over in my head
were spoken.
and I declare my denial, dissatisfied want
of what I cannot have, accept, hold tight.
Burrow deep into my bones, under my skin,
under my thoughts, tumbling thoughts...
They tramp, stamp, rap, hiphop beat lines
until there's tracks scarring hard reminders
of who and what and where I am.
And this emotion tells me what it is,
and I tell it, "No, no, you're not. Go away,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
this is not what I am feeling, no."
And words trip back and forth,
tripping up feelings back and forth.
And I am tripped, stumbled facedown, and
turn to face upward, skyward, star-ward
and think, "not right now."
And words repeat over and over in my head.
And psychology rattles through and demands
sane thoughts - stop repeating - sane thoughts,
it tells me, will be the cure of my tripping up and down.
and I see my emotions retreating, mantra repeating,
repeating over and over in my head,
but retreating, and I feel colder now...
But maybe this is better than the cold
I would have faced if those
repeated words over and over in my head
were spoken.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
archive: 29 november 2005: poetry and pictures
I now have on my work computer's desktop this picture of a pansy I took at home in my mom's backyard. I am at work and I am feeling better than I did last night. I had a spell when I felt dizzy like I was drunk, but... I did not drink any alcohol.
I just spent an hour or so listening to Emily Hagihara, Jem, Electrolane, Jonatha Brooke....while working on editing poems I wrote earlier this Fall. I have about three poems I need to rewrite completely. They will take some work, heart, and time. Only one of them I am emotionally attached to the content, but I have the free verse version of it and I like that version best. Just need to try it as a pantoum and that might make it better. Libby says it doesn't progress; what I have is a captured moment and emotion, which is all it was, too. I am feeling the need to work more on my poetry. Maybe it was a good thing I had no internet last night; it allowed me to focus longer on my poetry.
I need to allot time for specific things I need to work on, otherwise I won't ever get any of this creative stuff done. I have a ton of ideas, and some of the materials to do it, but never seems I have the time.
Oh... And sometime over January-March or so, I will attempt to re-upolster my own couch. Talking with mom about it over the break, I realized it'd actually be pretty damn easy. The only hard part would be the cushion covers. But I can do it as soon as I get my sewing machine fixed and finish the current project I have more than halfway finished.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
archive: 23 november 2005: movie review and driving home
"Walk the Line" was actually a damn good movie. Reese Witherspoon did a great job as June Carter and I didn't really "see" her as "Legally Blonde" haha... Joaquin Phoenix was excellent as Johnny Cash. Damn, that man had problems. I didn't know to what extent. I also didn't know he toured with Jerry Lee Lewis and Waylon Jennings and a little bit with Elvis... Its pretty interesting, the whole coinciding timeline...
While driving yesterday I was thinking about deadlines and goals. I think sometime over this break I am going to write up some deadlines for myself. Personal goals I want to accomplish, work goals I ought to meet, and intellectualy goals to strive for. They'll be some mighty interesting lists, I am sure. Might help me complete some of that stuff on my "101 things to do in 1001 days" list.
Well, I am sure Gregg (brother-in-law) is out of the shower now. I gotta go get this hair fixed, get cleaned up, drop him off at his work, and then I head on to home (Gluckstadt, MS), but after I have some coffee.
Oh... I feel like I have strep throat or something. My throat is on fire and itchy and my voice is hoarse. I don't know if it is from singing too loud and hard to Melissa Ferrick for a couple hours in the car, or somehow caught it from someone. Heh, I haven't been kissing anyone, that's for sure. I haven't kissed anyone on the lips since April.
Bah!
While driving yesterday I was thinking about deadlines and goals. I think sometime over this break I am going to write up some deadlines for myself. Personal goals I want to accomplish, work goals I ought to meet, and intellectualy goals to strive for. They'll be some mighty interesting lists, I am sure. Might help me complete some of that stuff on my "101 things to do in 1001 days" list.
Well, I am sure Gregg (brother-in-law) is out of the shower now. I gotta go get this hair fixed, get cleaned up, drop him off at his work, and then I head on to home (Gluckstadt, MS), but after I have some coffee.
Oh... I feel like I have strep throat or something. My throat is on fire and itchy and my voice is hoarse. I don't know if it is from singing too loud and hard to Melissa Ferrick for a couple hours in the car, or somehow caught it from someone. Heh, I haven't been kissing anyone, that's for sure. I haven't kissed anyone on the lips since April.
Bah!
archive: 23 november 2005: thinking much?
I am home. Hey Mom. :) My nephew is still too cute. He's hyper, too, but creative and fun to sit with and hear him talk.
I guess I am going to go in the kitchen and help Mom now. She's cooking the entire world in there for tomorrow. Beth and Gregg will be here tonight. Don't know yet when I will see my cousin.
I'll call Alison around 6 tonight, see how Friday or Saturday suits her.
I will talk with Mom about stuff sometime, too. I just don't know how yet. I want to know how she really feels about it. I asked my sister last night if Mom ever talks or asks about my sexuality with her, but Beth said Mom says "she doesn't ask." She probably doesn't want to know, really, but I would rather her know honestly than to be under the assumption I am "confused" or "going through a phase" or "stubborn" or whatever else someone would describe me.
I am glad to be home. The drive today was boring as hell. I have a sore throat. I had dreams last night and for once I slept 8 full hours. The dreams... I cannot speak about. In spite of the fact they won't happen, they still made me feel nice. We'll see how long that lasts.
Oh, I talked with my sister about car stuff, selling it, and what to buy. Toyota Matrix has better gas mileage than either Subaru Outback or Forrester, so I might just go with that if I can find it reasonably priced and with few miles. Although Subaru does support a lot of gay foundations and whatnot, if I buy it used it won't be the same as buying it new anyway. And once again, a particular car doesn't define me, so... just because I drive a Subaru does/does not mean I am gay. I am gay 'cause I am. If someone wants to know, then grow balls and ask me. So I will probably end up with a Toyota.
I better go help now. Later folks.
EDIT: I am a dufus.
*stop thinking so damn much!!*
Going to call Alison sometime Friday, not tonight. I am being stupidly shy about this. *butterflies*
Homemade mini pizzas for dinner. Mine has chicken, tomatoes, green peppers, and cheese.
My cousin said she'll be back at the house sometime tonight. I'll see her before I sleep, I'm sure. I am sleeping on the trundle bed of the day bed. I wish I could sleep half of tomorrow, but folks are showing around 10:30 a.m., which means I will have to be up around 9 at latest. heh.
I guess I am going to go in the kitchen and help Mom now. She's cooking the entire world in there for tomorrow. Beth and Gregg will be here tonight. Don't know yet when I will see my cousin.
I'll call Alison around 6 tonight, see how Friday or Saturday suits her.
I will talk with Mom about stuff sometime, too. I just don't know how yet. I want to know how she really feels about it. I asked my sister last night if Mom ever talks or asks about my sexuality with her, but Beth said Mom says "she doesn't ask." She probably doesn't want to know, really, but I would rather her know honestly than to be under the assumption I am "confused" or "going through a phase" or "stubborn" or whatever else someone would describe me.
I am glad to be home. The drive today was boring as hell. I have a sore throat. I had dreams last night and for once I slept 8 full hours. The dreams... I cannot speak about. In spite of the fact they won't happen, they still made me feel nice. We'll see how long that lasts.
Oh, I talked with my sister about car stuff, selling it, and what to buy. Toyota Matrix has better gas mileage than either Subaru Outback or Forrester, so I might just go with that if I can find it reasonably priced and with few miles. Although Subaru does support a lot of gay foundations and whatnot, if I buy it used it won't be the same as buying it new anyway. And once again, a particular car doesn't define me, so... just because I drive a Subaru does/does not mean I am gay. I am gay 'cause I am. If someone wants to know, then grow balls and ask me. So I will probably end up with a Toyota.
I better go help now. Later folks.
EDIT: I am a dufus.
*stop thinking so damn much!!*
Going to call Alison sometime Friday, not tonight. I am being stupidly shy about this. *butterflies*
Homemade mini pizzas for dinner. Mine has chicken, tomatoes, green peppers, and cheese.
My cousin said she'll be back at the house sometime tonight. I'll see her before I sleep, I'm sure. I am sleeping on the trundle bed of the day bed. I wish I could sleep half of tomorrow, but folks are showing around 10:30 a.m., which means I will have to be up around 9 at latest. heh.
archive: 23 november 2005: U2 in Cleveland Ohio
Oh yeah... FYI
I am going to a U2 concert on December 10th. That's a Saturday. It is in Cleveland, OH. That's about 6 hours from Berea. I am going to rent a car. I am also going to get a hotel room. I will leave very early Saturday morning, as soon as I can get the car, and head to Cleveland. Never been this far North before. Shall be fun. Too bad I don't have a second ticket (anymore) 'cause then I'd see if anyone wanted to join me. It'd still be nice if someone could join me for the trip, just... well, while I am at the concert I don't know what they'd do. But other than that, all day Saturday and all day Sunday could be fun, tramping around Cleveland looking at the city, across Lake Eerie....
I wonder what weather will be like.
Tomorrow, Thursday morning, I am going to try calling some of the hotels and see what their rates will be and if there are any rooms available. I'll book one. I don't care what kind of bed I get, but.... if I do have a traveling friend, that might make a difference. In any case, I'd probably go this trip alone. I don't know if anyone I know will be able to come along. But it is going to be a weekend marked down in my life as Number One.
I am going to a U2 concert on December 10th. That's a Saturday. It is in Cleveland, OH. That's about 6 hours from Berea. I am going to rent a car. I am also going to get a hotel room. I will leave very early Saturday morning, as soon as I can get the car, and head to Cleveland. Never been this far North before. Shall be fun. Too bad I don't have a second ticket (anymore) 'cause then I'd see if anyone wanted to join me. It'd still be nice if someone could join me for the trip, just... well, while I am at the concert I don't know what they'd do. But other than that, all day Saturday and all day Sunday could be fun, tramping around Cleveland looking at the city, across Lake Eerie....
I wonder what weather will be like.
Tomorrow, Thursday morning, I am going to try calling some of the hotels and see what their rates will be and if there are any rooms available. I'll book one. I don't care what kind of bed I get, but.... if I do have a traveling friend, that might make a difference. In any case, I'd probably go this trip alone. I don't know if anyone I know will be able to come along. But it is going to be a weekend marked down in my life as Number One.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
archive: 19 november 2005: I Understand This Now
Saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire today. No spoilers here though. It was good, but... I liked the director for Prisoner of Azkaban better. I want to see it again, but I will probably do that later. I don't want to sit in the second or third row from the front again. Not a good choice.
I think I looked cute today. heh. I was kinda giggly about this outfit. Nothing special, just jeans and a brown sweater with a button-down shirt under it. I like this sweater though. It is very soft. It used to be my sister's, and then it got handed down to me when she couldn't fit into it anymore. It is cashmere. I have no idea where she got it, but it has held up pretty good. One small hole but I will figure out a way to repair that sometime.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at Penny's at 1. After that I am visiting Marissa for a while...
Today my mood has flipped around a good bit. I think I am going to do some writing. I don't think I have been entirely honest with myself, about my feelings and about how I feel about my life and job. Well, I have been honest on some things, but maybe too optimistic about other things.
This is it: Yes, I want to have a solid relationship with someone. I may have said in the last month or so that I may want to have a casual sexual relationship but with no real ties because of my job's limited time here, but really... even if I met someone who could do that, I'd probably end up becoming very emotionally attached to them and then hate myself and the situation. I know I cannot be involved with someone without being emotionally attached.
But then crap, I have a job which expires August 31st, 2006. If my co-workers are even considering suggesting to the college that the college hire me permanently, they have not given me any hint or indication that it may happen. The closest thing anyone ever said was Harry, back in January or so, that you never know what the college may offer. Take Pat as an example. She was hired temporarily for 2 years and then she was offered a permanent part-time position. She's worked there ever since then. Same happened with Ed. Honestly, the college archives could use a processing archivist for all those collections on the shelves which have not been processed. I wonder if I could propose this, and how. I know I would talk with Steve about it.
Anyway, that aside, my situation is realistically temporary here. My next job could be elsewhere in KY or who knows? Maybe anywhere from VA to NM or CO or NY. I pretty much don't have a preference for location except I don't want to live in FL, MS, AL... pretty much the whole Southeastern US. Maybe Georgia. NY appeals to me in some areas. Besides, I do want to live in or visit NYC, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco...
So... my predictament is that even though I may be lonely and though I may crave emotional attachment with someone, I can't expect anyone to be willing to be a part of any of that with me other than as friends. I understand that. It'd be ultimately unfair to anyone to be emotionally involved with me if there's uncertainity with a deadline on how long it can last.
Its peculiar though, isn't it? When the assumption is that because someone is living in a place, meets someone, becomes involved... that the relationship may have infinite possibilities of duration and intensity. Take two twin couples. One couple knows ahead of time that one person may be leaving in a year, and the other couple does not know of such a limitation on their relationship. Does the first couple have a harder time with their relationship because of this information? What if the second couple finds out that one of them is leaving too, but only a week before they are going: would they break up or would they somehow stay together? Does it even matter? It is entirely possible the second couple could have broken up way before one person found out they were going to have to leave anyway, and the first couple could split at any time even though they knew of the deadline.
I guess Becky and I were an example of that first couple. She knew from the beginning, and we talked a lot about it (almost broke up twice), and sometimes we entertained the idea that she'd move with me whereever I end up having to go. But when it really came down to it, she wasn't ever going to leave. And would I have been able to stay? Where would I have worked? Would I have settled to work somewhere in Lex. at a job beneath my degree?
She was right about that. I would have stayed, but until I found another archival job in Lexington, I would have been unhappy with myself working somewhere where I was not using my educational intellect. She never said that to me, but that is what she knew. And there is no guessing at how long we would have really lasted together.
I do become a bit passive in a relationship, I think. Its possible I need to find someone who will force me to truly voice and act on my impulses, be a little more aggressive. I have to be comfortable with them though, and I have to know I can trust them. I am just a tender heart, and I refuse to hurt someone I care about if at all possible, even at my own cost. I am protective, tender, and motherly.
I may be dreaming lately about things I wish could happen, but they probably will never happen. I think I know that they won't happen. And I accept this. It doesn't really upset me, other than it is definite that I am not going to have a relationship with anyone the rest of my time here in Berea, unless I find out I am staying longer. I am lonely for intimacy, cuddles and snuggles. I do not feel lightly about those times spent with someone like that. If I snuggle with someone it is because I really feel comfortable and care about them. I will become very protective of them, even if there is no relationship. In fact, until recently, I never cuddled with someone I was not in a relationship with. So that comfortable intimacy like that speaks a lot to me. But I know not everyone feels that way and if it were to happen again I would not interpret it as anymore than close friendship.
Anyway... so.... this ramble feels like it is coming to a close. I have decided this is how it is right now, I don't expect anything more or less, and I may not be happy with it, but I can deal with it. So... I will try my best to not interpret anything as anything unless someone says "this is....." Makes sense? Sounds logical and practical? Probably. Because it is impossible for me to be irrational. haha.
ok. I am going to go string lights on my porch. I doubt this was read through, but it was, thanks. It doesn't matter though, because this was just something to sort my thoughts out, and not intended for anyone whatsoever to read and think "this applies to me" or anything like that. Just that my feelings and thoughts over the last 3-4 weeks have made me realize realistically how I must handle things.
Oh. And I want to take an IQ test. I took one at work online the other day and it scored me at 118, but I don't feel like that is right. But then again, it is just a number, right? *sigh* 'Cause to me, I know my intellect is stronger than 118. I just know it.
I also want to read about some new age subjects. I haven't pinpointed what I want to say I want to read about, but when I see it, I will know. Later, folks.
I think I looked cute today. heh. I was kinda giggly about this outfit. Nothing special, just jeans and a brown sweater with a button-down shirt under it. I like this sweater though. It is very soft. It used to be my sister's, and then it got handed down to me when she couldn't fit into it anymore. It is cashmere. I have no idea where she got it, but it has held up pretty good. One small hole but I will figure out a way to repair that sometime.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at Penny's at 1. After that I am visiting Marissa for a while...
Today my mood has flipped around a good bit. I think I am going to do some writing. I don't think I have been entirely honest with myself, about my feelings and about how I feel about my life and job. Well, I have been honest on some things, but maybe too optimistic about other things.
This is it: Yes, I want to have a solid relationship with someone. I may have said in the last month or so that I may want to have a casual sexual relationship but with no real ties because of my job's limited time here, but really... even if I met someone who could do that, I'd probably end up becoming very emotionally attached to them and then hate myself and the situation. I know I cannot be involved with someone without being emotionally attached.
But then crap, I have a job which expires August 31st, 2006. If my co-workers are even considering suggesting to the college that the college hire me permanently, they have not given me any hint or indication that it may happen. The closest thing anyone ever said was Harry, back in January or so, that you never know what the college may offer. Take Pat as an example. She was hired temporarily for 2 years and then she was offered a permanent part-time position. She's worked there ever since then. Same happened with Ed. Honestly, the college archives could use a processing archivist for all those collections on the shelves which have not been processed. I wonder if I could propose this, and how. I know I would talk with Steve about it.
Anyway, that aside, my situation is realistically temporary here. My next job could be elsewhere in KY or who knows? Maybe anywhere from VA to NM or CO or NY. I pretty much don't have a preference for location except I don't want to live in FL, MS, AL... pretty much the whole Southeastern US. Maybe Georgia. NY appeals to me in some areas. Besides, I do want to live in or visit NYC, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco...
So... my predictament is that even though I may be lonely and though I may crave emotional attachment with someone, I can't expect anyone to be willing to be a part of any of that with me other than as friends. I understand that. It'd be ultimately unfair to anyone to be emotionally involved with me if there's uncertainity with a deadline on how long it can last.
Its peculiar though, isn't it? When the assumption is that because someone is living in a place, meets someone, becomes involved... that the relationship may have infinite possibilities of duration and intensity. Take two twin couples. One couple knows ahead of time that one person may be leaving in a year, and the other couple does not know of such a limitation on their relationship. Does the first couple have a harder time with their relationship because of this information? What if the second couple finds out that one of them is leaving too, but only a week before they are going: would they break up or would they somehow stay together? Does it even matter? It is entirely possible the second couple could have broken up way before one person found out they were going to have to leave anyway, and the first couple could split at any time even though they knew of the deadline.
I guess Becky and I were an example of that first couple. She knew from the beginning, and we talked a lot about it (almost broke up twice), and sometimes we entertained the idea that she'd move with me whereever I end up having to go. But when it really came down to it, she wasn't ever going to leave. And would I have been able to stay? Where would I have worked? Would I have settled to work somewhere in Lex. at a job beneath my degree?
She was right about that. I would have stayed, but until I found another archival job in Lexington, I would have been unhappy with myself working somewhere where I was not using my educational intellect. She never said that to me, but that is what she knew. And there is no guessing at how long we would have really lasted together.
I do become a bit passive in a relationship, I think. Its possible I need to find someone who will force me to truly voice and act on my impulses, be a little more aggressive. I have to be comfortable with them though, and I have to know I can trust them. I am just a tender heart, and I refuse to hurt someone I care about if at all possible, even at my own cost. I am protective, tender, and motherly.
I may be dreaming lately about things I wish could happen, but they probably will never happen. I think I know that they won't happen. And I accept this. It doesn't really upset me, other than it is definite that I am not going to have a relationship with anyone the rest of my time here in Berea, unless I find out I am staying longer. I am lonely for intimacy, cuddles and snuggles. I do not feel lightly about those times spent with someone like that. If I snuggle with someone it is because I really feel comfortable and care about them. I will become very protective of them, even if there is no relationship. In fact, until recently, I never cuddled with someone I was not in a relationship with. So that comfortable intimacy like that speaks a lot to me. But I know not everyone feels that way and if it were to happen again I would not interpret it as anymore than close friendship.
Anyway... so.... this ramble feels like it is coming to a close. I have decided this is how it is right now, I don't expect anything more or less, and I may not be happy with it, but I can deal with it. So... I will try my best to not interpret anything as anything unless someone says "this is....." Makes sense? Sounds logical and practical? Probably. Because it is impossible for me to be irrational. haha.
ok. I am going to go string lights on my porch. I doubt this was read through, but it was, thanks. It doesn't matter though, because this was just something to sort my thoughts out, and not intended for anyone whatsoever to read and think "this applies to me" or anything like that. Just that my feelings and thoughts over the last 3-4 weeks have made me realize realistically how I must handle things.
Oh. And I want to take an IQ test. I took one at work online the other day and it scored me at 118, but I don't feel like that is right. But then again, it is just a number, right? *sigh* 'Cause to me, I know my intellect is stronger than 118. I just know it.
I also want to read about some new age subjects. I haven't pinpointed what I want to say I want to read about, but when I see it, I will know. Later, folks.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
archive: 16 november 2005: Baudelaire: The Good Deeds of the Moon
I've been wanting to have an electronic version of this prose poem for a long time, so here it is. I typed it.
The Good Deeds of the Moon
The moon, who is whimsicality itself, gazed into the window while you were sleeping in your cradle, and said to herself: “This child is my favorite.”
And she descended with velvet steps down her staircase of cloud, and making no sound slipped through the windowpanes. Then she threw herself over your body with the downy endearments of a mother, and she pressed her colors on your face. Ever after you’ve had green pupils, and remarkably pale cheeks. It was while brooding on your visitor that your eyes grew so astonishingly large; and she folded her arms so firmly and tenderly around your neck that you have ever since the desire to weep.
Meanwhile, as her delight grew, the Moon charged the whole room with a kind of phosphorescence or light-filled poison; and this fully alive light began to think and said, “You will be forever under the influence of my kiss. Your beauty will be my sort of beauty. You will love what I love, and love who loves me: the water and the clouds, also silence and the night; the endless and green ocean; waters chaotic and elegant, the place where you are not, the beloved whom you do not know; the grotesque blossoms; perfumes that make you rave, and cats that drape themselves on pianos and who groan like a woman, with the voice husky and delicious.
“And you will be adored by those who adore me, and flattered by those who fawn on me. You will be queen of all green-eyed men whose neck I have firmly enfolded in my nighttime attentions; of those who love the ocean, the immense green troubled and tumbling ocean, the chaotic rivers and the elegant rivers, the place where you are not, the woman whom you have never met, the ominous flowers that resemble encensoirs from some unknown religion, the perfumes that disturb the will, and those savage and sensuous animals that are the symbols of such madness.”
That is the reason, my dear spoiled and miserable boy, that I stay here, watching at your feet, trying to glimpse anywhere in your being the reflected light from that terrible Goddess, from that godmother san merci, the wetnurse who gives her poisoned breasts to the moon-maddened men.
Charles Baudelaire
Translated by R.B.
The Good Deeds of the Moon
The moon, who is whimsicality itself, gazed into the window while you were sleeping in your cradle, and said to herself: “This child is my favorite.”
And she descended with velvet steps down her staircase of cloud, and making no sound slipped through the windowpanes. Then she threw herself over your body with the downy endearments of a mother, and she pressed her colors on your face. Ever after you’ve had green pupils, and remarkably pale cheeks. It was while brooding on your visitor that your eyes grew so astonishingly large; and she folded her arms so firmly and tenderly around your neck that you have ever since the desire to weep.
Meanwhile, as her delight grew, the Moon charged the whole room with a kind of phosphorescence or light-filled poison; and this fully alive light began to think and said, “You will be forever under the influence of my kiss. Your beauty will be my sort of beauty. You will love what I love, and love who loves me: the water and the clouds, also silence and the night; the endless and green ocean; waters chaotic and elegant, the place where you are not, the beloved whom you do not know; the grotesque blossoms; perfumes that make you rave, and cats that drape themselves on pianos and who groan like a woman, with the voice husky and delicious.
“And you will be adored by those who adore me, and flattered by those who fawn on me. You will be queen of all green-eyed men whose neck I have firmly enfolded in my nighttime attentions; of those who love the ocean, the immense green troubled and tumbling ocean, the chaotic rivers and the elegant rivers, the place where you are not, the woman whom you have never met, the ominous flowers that resemble encensoirs from some unknown religion, the perfumes that disturb the will, and those savage and sensuous animals that are the symbols of such madness.”
That is the reason, my dear spoiled and miserable boy, that I stay here, watching at your feet, trying to glimpse anywhere in your being the reflected light from that terrible Goddess, from that godmother san merci, the wetnurse who gives her poisoned breasts to the moon-maddened men.
Charles Baudelaire
Translated by R.B.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
archive: 13 november 2005: home again
I am home.
My car freaked me out Friday when I was 10 miles away from my destination. The check engine light came on, but the car wasn't making any strange sounds or shaking oddly. So I just talked to my car (yes, I tell her that she's doing allright and to just get me where I need to go and I'll treat her right. hehe) and I got to the hotel parking garage. Met up with my cousin and her roommate. Miss my cousin, but she's grown up. Still sweet, but... I don't know... but anyway, she's told me about her latest relationships and all that. I think she may be making good choices. Her roommate I thought was pretty cool on Friday, but by the end of the day on Saturday she was starting to grate on my nerves. Maybe it was jealousy or my own self-esteem getting in my way of having a good time and not caring, but the girl just seemed to start having this know-it-all attitude and "miss priss" way of things. That grates my nerves. I don't spend an hour getting ready to go anywhere. I'm happy with myself in about 20 minutes and they're still primping. gah. Anyway... whatever.
I checked the oil in my car on Saturday and found that it was low. I must have a leak because I have never had to replace ALL the oil. Usually when I find it is low, it is only about half full, but this was practically empty. So I walked to a gas station and back and filled it. Light still stayed on. This morning I found an auto place, but not the right guy was working. The guy who was working took a peek and he said it didn't look like it was anything to worry about. That the light may be on 'cause of some oxygen not firing right or something like that. I don't remember. But I have driven it all the way back to Berea with no sign of problems. Tomorrow during lunch I am dropping my car off at DNC and letting them give it a look-over. Go ahead and get the oil change that was due this month anyway, and see what else needs fixing up. DNC is the reliable old-timer mechanic shop folks trust around here. "won't tell you something needs fixing that doesn't need fixing."
I gotta make sure it is working fine so that I can go home for Thanksgving.
Well, I am home. Visitors are welcome to stop in and visit. I will be cleaning house and blasting music.
My car freaked me out Friday when I was 10 miles away from my destination. The check engine light came on, but the car wasn't making any strange sounds or shaking oddly. So I just talked to my car (yes, I tell her that she's doing allright and to just get me where I need to go and I'll treat her right. hehe) and I got to the hotel parking garage. Met up with my cousin and her roommate. Miss my cousin, but she's grown up. Still sweet, but... I don't know... but anyway, she's told me about her latest relationships and all that. I think she may be making good choices. Her roommate I thought was pretty cool on Friday, but by the end of the day on Saturday she was starting to grate on my nerves. Maybe it was jealousy or my own self-esteem getting in my way of having a good time and not caring, but the girl just seemed to start having this know-it-all attitude and "miss priss" way of things. That grates my nerves. I don't spend an hour getting ready to go anywhere. I'm happy with myself in about 20 minutes and they're still primping. gah. Anyway... whatever.
I checked the oil in my car on Saturday and found that it was low. I must have a leak because I have never had to replace ALL the oil. Usually when I find it is low, it is only about half full, but this was practically empty. So I walked to a gas station and back and filled it. Light still stayed on. This morning I found an auto place, but not the right guy was working. The guy who was working took a peek and he said it didn't look like it was anything to worry about. That the light may be on 'cause of some oxygen not firing right or something like that. I don't remember. But I have driven it all the way back to Berea with no sign of problems. Tomorrow during lunch I am dropping my car off at DNC and letting them give it a look-over. Go ahead and get the oil change that was due this month anyway, and see what else needs fixing up. DNC is the reliable old-timer mechanic shop folks trust around here. "won't tell you something needs fixing that doesn't need fixing."
I gotta make sure it is working fine so that I can go home for Thanksgving.
Well, I am home. Visitors are welcome to stop in and visit. I will be cleaning house and blasting music.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
archive: 10 november 2005: night walking
Well, I took that long walk, which turned into an extra long walk, and it was quite nice. But I still don't think I cleared my head. I mean, yeah, I feel good now, but what I wanted to clear out I don't think I really successfully managed. I guess that's ok. I can deal with feelings.
Oh, and let's see if I can remember what I was listening to on the mp3 player. I chose stuff I hadn't listened to in a long time... since the the summer I was living in Hattiesburg mostly.
Abandoned Pools: Mercy Kiss, Start Over, and (can't remember)
Bush: Comedown
Coldplay: Clocks, Beautiful World, Rush of Blood to the Head, The Scientist, Warning Sign, Parachutes, Careful Where You Stand
Splashdown: Ironspy, Dig, Asia at Odd Hours
I realized I love "Beautiful World." I already knew I loved "Asia at Odd Hours."
I will figure out later how far I walked. I have also decided that in my calculations on my earlier walk I might have made a mistake. But here's a map (click to enlarge) of where I walked last night. Blue dot is my house, my starting point:
Oh, and let's see if I can remember what I was listening to on the mp3 player. I chose stuff I hadn't listened to in a long time... since the the summer I was living in Hattiesburg mostly.
Abandoned Pools: Mercy Kiss, Start Over, and (can't remember)
Bush: Comedown
Coldplay: Clocks, Beautiful World, Rush of Blood to the Head, The Scientist, Warning Sign, Parachutes, Careful Where You Stand
Splashdown: Ironspy, Dig, Asia at Odd Hours
I realized I love "Beautiful World." I already knew I loved "Asia at Odd Hours."
I will figure out later how far I walked. I have also decided that in my calculations on my earlier walk I might have made a mistake. But here's a map (click to enlarge) of where I walked last night. Blue dot is my house, my starting point:
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
archive: 8 november 2005: to laser show or not...
So I have got to go see Libby tonight for a poetry review meeting, 20 minutes. All students in the class are doing it yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I set my meeting with her at 6:50.
Tonight there's a laser show at the planetarium. I may go since it will be the last one of the series they are doing. I don't know what the $2 at the door fee is for, but that's not a bad price and I can spare it. Tonight's music is U2. I missed the one which was Led Zep on Sunday night.... This is at 8:00 p.m. tonight. I may go...
My cousin finally emailed me a few details about this weekend and Louisville. I may get to see her Friday night in Louisville. I doubt I am staying the night, cause I doubt she's got a room to herself. I can go about town and make trouble with her and talk. I miss my "little sister." I'll have more details about that eventually.
Been an interesting week so far and it is barely even Tuesday evening. Wonder what the rest of the week has got to share. Maybe it will be a bit calmer in my head. heh.
I miss my buddies Jo and Lisa (and Jeff and Billy and Emily)!! Lexington girls!
Tonight there's a laser show at the planetarium. I may go since it will be the last one of the series they are doing. I don't know what the $2 at the door fee is for, but that's not a bad price and I can spare it. Tonight's music is U2. I missed the one which was Led Zep on Sunday night.... This is at 8:00 p.m. tonight. I may go...
My cousin finally emailed me a few details about this weekend and Louisville. I may get to see her Friday night in Louisville. I doubt I am staying the night, cause I doubt she's got a room to herself. I can go about town and make trouble with her and talk. I miss my "little sister." I'll have more details about that eventually.
Been an interesting week so far and it is barely even Tuesday evening. Wonder what the rest of the week has got to share. Maybe it will be a bit calmer in my head. heh.
I miss my buddies Jo and Lisa (and Jeff and Billy and Emily)!! Lexington girls!
Saturday, November 5, 2005
archive: 5 november 2005: pictures and plans
I took pics this afternoon at the Black Music Ensemble (BME) for my friend Brittney who is their historian. Took pics and they turned out ok, coulda been better with a better camera, but all is ok.
BME Pictures
Tomorrow I think I will go out to Owsley Fork and take sunset pics again. I will need some peace time. I was out visiting a friend last night and every so often I kept staring off across the grassy part of the campus which the porch faces out onto. Jealous of that porch view. But it was being mistaken for thinking about other things... Already thought about that stuff and well, that's set aside and past. But nature was reminding me I hadn't visited it for a while for regenerative soul-searching me-myself-and-I time.
I hate the winter sometimes. Its not so much the cold and ice and snow and rain... though all that I don't particularly like, I do appreciate the beauty of it too. No, winter reminds me that there's no warmth and comfort in my life, and I feel more lonely in winter. Its much more noticeable to me. I am more likely to be depressed during the winter. Bad timing, since there's Christmas and New Year's. But yeah, I am really going to try to not just sink into that. It is good to know I have friends though. And I hope that when I do get cynical that I don't get bitchy about just having friends.
I think tonight I may take another walk, don't know if it will be three miles again, but yeah. Maybe. I don't know how things will go.
BME Pictures
Tomorrow I think I will go out to Owsley Fork and take sunset pics again. I will need some peace time. I was out visiting a friend last night and every so often I kept staring off across the grassy part of the campus which the porch faces out onto. Jealous of that porch view. But it was being mistaken for thinking about other things... Already thought about that stuff and well, that's set aside and past. But nature was reminding me I hadn't visited it for a while for regenerative soul-searching me-myself-and-I time.
I hate the winter sometimes. Its not so much the cold and ice and snow and rain... though all that I don't particularly like, I do appreciate the beauty of it too. No, winter reminds me that there's no warmth and comfort in my life, and I feel more lonely in winter. Its much more noticeable to me. I am more likely to be depressed during the winter. Bad timing, since there's Christmas and New Year's. But yeah, I am really going to try to not just sink into that. It is good to know I have friends though. And I hope that when I do get cynical that I don't get bitchy about just having friends.
I think tonight I may take another walk, don't know if it will be three miles again, but yeah. Maybe. I don't know how things will go.
archive: 5 november 2005: vodka collins - poem
I am the vodka collins.
A sweet and sour.
Honesty and kindness,
reliable and thoughtful.
I am the one who listens
to all your midnight problems,
all your nightmare dramas,
and all your wishful thinking.
Show up at your door,
casserole or pot of soup
when you are sick.
Mail your birthday card,
good wishes and luck inside.
Read your words and say
this is good, needs work, is shit.
But tell me, dear,
what are my sour parts?
I am blind.
A sweet and sour.
Honesty and kindness,
reliable and thoughtful.
I am the one who listens
to all your midnight problems,
all your nightmare dramas,
and all your wishful thinking.
Show up at your door,
casserole or pot of soup
when you are sick.
Mail your birthday card,
good wishes and luck inside.
Read your words and say
this is good, needs work, is shit.
But tell me, dear,
what are my sour parts?
I am blind.
archive: 5 november 2005: drunken ramblings
I wanted to go lay out on my sidewalk, and I did for a while, but then I got the craving for another sip off my vodka collins and I looked about me and felt the world coming into its place over and over again, not swirling, just sliding into place over and over again... and I decided that I have to stay inside now. I don't want to be sick outside, defile the earth.
*sigh*
damn hiccups now.
and I screwed up a conversation somehow. and I just... I don't know what I really want but I know what I am craving and I know I won't get that and shouldn't ask for that if I am not asking for more, and I don't know if I want more or more from that person or from someone else, and I am just stupid. I can be better than this.
I think I have regressed. what is up with that? 29 and regressing? how stupid can I be? sorry. I am 5 drinks stupid and I still have one drink stupid to go before I stop.
that last line could be in a poem.
my friend Jordan ought to be amused by this internal random drunken banter. if he knew me so well, maybe he knows me more than I think even though I haven't seen him since last summer 2004 when he and Lillian were in barnes and noble when I was working there for about 4 weeks tops.
I miss Allison and she's straight and I loved her when I lived in Mississippi, two weeks before I knew I was moving here. Hearing that I got this job was the best and saddest news I had ever heard: first professional job, leaving a love unknown. And she never knew how much I really liked her. I am a mess right now. I think I know who I am, all together, and just....not pieced together. "everything is wrong" as Lucinda Williams puts it. She's singing right now.
Is this how Dad felt when he was this drunk? But he was not so apt to write so what'd he do? Bet. Gamble. Drink more. Never hit Mom but might as well as have what he yelled at her all the time. Threaten to leave every Friday and Saturday night. In my doorway I am hoping that he'd leave. Go to sleep. Wake once to him pissing in my doorway. This is truth. This is my history. I listen at my doorway to r-rated movies, sex scenes, after bedtime hour, and learn and yearn.
I miss love. I miss comfort beside me in bed. I am lonely but I do not want pity. I do not want someone to be kind "just-because." Do not feel sorry. I hate that. I sense it so don't dare.
I am virgo. Am not "the virgin." I know things you'd never think I'd know. I am private yet open. I am not innocent but nor guilty either. I am not your angel slut. I am not your prostitute in bed and perfect woman about town, but then again, I can be if I choose to be so. I know my role. I am not the woman of anyone's dreams. But I know what I can do to make you happy. I know what makes me happy. I know buttons I can push. I am a sexual being and there is no denying that. I may seem prudish, but I am not if you are open to me.
I know (sometimes) when someone has a crush on me. I know when I have a crush on someone else. I know what I am capable of doing, what is "right" and yet I cannot make up my mind sometimes whether or not to pursue or not. I could do anything, but at the same time I feel I have some kind of obligatory responsibility. you do not know how tempting it is. I do not know if it is right to pursue that which pursues me or to let it go.
I am being vague. Do not attempt to translate unless you feel it applies to you.
I am drunk. I warn you. And this is rare, this kind of drunkeness. very rare.
Outside on my porch again.... Lucinda keeps singing...
"Come on, come on, sing the boys in the choir, come on, come on, sing it higher and higher.... " - Lucinda Williams, "Atonement"
Instead of drunk dialing I drunk post. yeah. That is good. Yeah Laura, written record of your insanity. That is real good.
*sigh*
damn hiccups now.
and I screwed up a conversation somehow. and I just... I don't know what I really want but I know what I am craving and I know I won't get that and shouldn't ask for that if I am not asking for more, and I don't know if I want more or more from that person or from someone else, and I am just stupid. I can be better than this.
I think I have regressed. what is up with that? 29 and regressing? how stupid can I be? sorry. I am 5 drinks stupid and I still have one drink stupid to go before I stop.
that last line could be in a poem.
my friend Jordan ought to be amused by this internal random drunken banter. if he knew me so well, maybe he knows me more than I think even though I haven't seen him since last summer 2004 when he and Lillian were in barnes and noble when I was working there for about 4 weeks tops.
I miss Allison and she's straight and I loved her when I lived in Mississippi, two weeks before I knew I was moving here. Hearing that I got this job was the best and saddest news I had ever heard: first professional job, leaving a love unknown. And she never knew how much I really liked her. I am a mess right now. I think I know who I am, all together, and just....not pieced together. "everything is wrong" as Lucinda Williams puts it. She's singing right now.
Is this how Dad felt when he was this drunk? But he was not so apt to write so what'd he do? Bet. Gamble. Drink more. Never hit Mom but might as well as have what he yelled at her all the time. Threaten to leave every Friday and Saturday night. In my doorway I am hoping that he'd leave. Go to sleep. Wake once to him pissing in my doorway. This is truth. This is my history. I listen at my doorway to r-rated movies, sex scenes, after bedtime hour, and learn and yearn.
I miss love. I miss comfort beside me in bed. I am lonely but I do not want pity. I do not want someone to be kind "just-because." Do not feel sorry. I hate that. I sense it so don't dare.
I am virgo. Am not "the virgin." I know things you'd never think I'd know. I am private yet open. I am not innocent but nor guilty either. I am not your angel slut. I am not your prostitute in bed and perfect woman about town, but then again, I can be if I choose to be so. I know my role. I am not the woman of anyone's dreams. But I know what I can do to make you happy. I know what makes me happy. I know buttons I can push. I am a sexual being and there is no denying that. I may seem prudish, but I am not if you are open to me.
I know (sometimes) when someone has a crush on me. I know when I have a crush on someone else. I know what I am capable of doing, what is "right" and yet I cannot make up my mind sometimes whether or not to pursue or not. I could do anything, but at the same time I feel I have some kind of obligatory responsibility. you do not know how tempting it is. I do not know if it is right to pursue that which pursues me or to let it go.
I am being vague. Do not attempt to translate unless you feel it applies to you.
I am drunk. I warn you. And this is rare, this kind of drunkeness. very rare.
Outside on my porch again.... Lucinda keeps singing...
"Come on, come on, sing the boys in the choir, come on, come on, sing it higher and higher.... " - Lucinda Williams, "Atonement"
Instead of drunk dialing I drunk post. yeah. That is good. Yeah Laura, written record of your insanity. That is real good.
Friday, November 4, 2005
archive: 4 november 2005: another annoyance
I told my mom last night about this new guy who annoys me outta my mind. Told her about some of the things he does. Its just common curtesy and general manners that gets on my nerves, not recognizing the different places and people you can behave certain ways toward.
example one: tagging along with me to lunch Wednesday without asking if he can join me, and we don't already have a comraderie of sorts. If I am friends with you already, you don't have to ask me if you can join me for lunch. I'd be delighted. But if I don't know you hardly at all, then just ask. I don't like it when strangers assume anything about me. I give friends the "oh you're silly" benefit if they assume something about me. But I don't want to be friends with this guy.
example two: Ok, during morning break there are two boxes of Trivial Pursuit cards, BabyBoomer and 80s. I read an 80s card and Harry reads a card from the BabyBoomer box. Its understood that those people have those roles. If one of us is not here that day, then someone else can read their card. Harry's not here today, so the BabyBoomer card is up for grabs to whoever wants to read it, but I am here to read my 80s card questions to the group. But I get into the breakroom and Dude has the 80s box in front of him and Shannon's got the BabyBoomer. I didn't say anything. I wanted to take my box. hehe.
Just... GAH! I told Mom that this weekend I was going to have to readjust my attitude about this or something. So I do hope I do not run into him this weekend during Homecoming 'cause I really really need my weekends away from this guy. He sucks my energy and mental space and time.
I know I am sounding petty. I really need to take some time out this weekend (probably Sunday) and hike or walk 3 miles or something. Something peaceful and productive and regenerative. Something centering.
---------------------------------
In other news.... I want to go see a movie. I know, I have two movies to watch at home, and maybe I will still do that, but I kinda wanna watch Elizabethtown. :) There's other movies I really want to see but they aren't showing in Richmond. I do need to go to Lexington soon, but maybe I will do that next week.
example one: tagging along with me to lunch Wednesday without asking if he can join me, and we don't already have a comraderie of sorts. If I am friends with you already, you don't have to ask me if you can join me for lunch. I'd be delighted. But if I don't know you hardly at all, then just ask. I don't like it when strangers assume anything about me. I give friends the "oh you're silly" benefit if they assume something about me. But I don't want to be friends with this guy.
example two: Ok, during morning break there are two boxes of Trivial Pursuit cards, BabyBoomer and 80s. I read an 80s card and Harry reads a card from the BabyBoomer box. Its understood that those people have those roles. If one of us is not here that day, then someone else can read their card. Harry's not here today, so the BabyBoomer card is up for grabs to whoever wants to read it, but I am here to read my 80s card questions to the group. But I get into the breakroom and Dude has the 80s box in front of him and Shannon's got the BabyBoomer. I didn't say anything. I wanted to take my box. hehe.
Just... GAH! I told Mom that this weekend I was going to have to readjust my attitude about this or something. So I do hope I do not run into him this weekend during Homecoming 'cause I really really need my weekends away from this guy. He sucks my energy and mental space and time.
I know I am sounding petty. I really need to take some time out this weekend (probably Sunday) and hike or walk 3 miles or something. Something peaceful and productive and regenerative. Something centering.
---------------------------------
In other news.... I want to go see a movie. I know, I have two movies to watch at home, and maybe I will still do that, but I kinda wanna watch Elizabethtown. :) There's other movies I really want to see but they aren't showing in Richmond. I do need to go to Lexington soon, but maybe I will do that next week.
archive: 4 november 2005: attractions
hrmm....
Just for the record...
crushes, ie, people I find attractive...
count comes to....
2 people who would probably never guess, and probably can't happen,
2 fun people who are friends but may not be interested in anything more,
1 friend back in MS,
1 someone who will never know I've had a crush on her,
2 people who don't know me much at all,
1 someone I surprised myself for finding attractive.
Comes to a total of 9 people I find attractive and might would consider dating, depending on circumstances or whatnot. I know. Crazy, huh? ahh... That's ok. Some of them know I am attracted to them. And honestly, once I have a crush or feel attracted to someone, it never completely goes away. They'd have to be really mean or do something hateful to make me not like them at all anymore.
Ok. That said, back to work. Sorry for the overload of posts! haha
Just for the record...
crushes, ie, people I find attractive...
count comes to....
2 people who would probably never guess, and probably can't happen,
2 fun people who are friends but may not be interested in anything more,
1 friend back in MS,
1 someone who will never know I've had a crush on her,
2 people who don't know me much at all,
1 someone I surprised myself for finding attractive.
Comes to a total of 9 people I find attractive and might would consider dating, depending on circumstances or whatnot. I know. Crazy, huh? ahh... That's ok. Some of them know I am attracted to them. And honestly, once I have a crush or feel attracted to someone, it never completely goes away. They'd have to be really mean or do something hateful to make me not like them at all anymore.
Ok. That said, back to work. Sorry for the overload of posts! haha
Thursday, November 3, 2005
archive: 3 november 2005: two poems and an ex's eyes
For tonight's poetry class I needed to write two poems, one in open form and one in fixed form. I chose a villanelle form for the fixed one. I sat at the counter during lunch and took a long while to think of something to write about. My poetry tends to be fairly autobiographical, exploring what I have witnessed and how I felt about it. I like the open form version best because it suits me best. I said exactly what I wanted to say. But when I had to take the same subject and put it into the villanelle, it was almost impossible not change some of the sentiments of the situation.
A few of you all were at the Amy Ray concert at The Dame a few weeks ago. My ex was there, and this is, for the most part, how I felt about that.
I haven't titled it yet..... Ideas?
Open Form:
Amy Ray on the stage –
red tee and plaid pants –
booming bass and melody
out of the tall speakers standing
over me, almost overwhelming.
The chords crowd the air
as feet dance crowded beats.
Streetlights and car lights filter
in the door with cropped haircuts,
purses, smiles, and smokers.
A friend alongside me,
Amber Bock in my hand,
I look down the long bar
past women holding hands,
bartender opening beer bottles,
and see at the end, her.
All night I never saw her
eyes looking back at me.
I knew she saw me.
Fixed Form: Villanelle
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar
when she walked in under The Dame’s streetlight.
Chords crowd on stage from Amy Ray’s guitar.
Cropped haircuts, purse-strings, and smoker’s cigar
mill around by the bartender. Tonight
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar.
Booming bass unknown on my NPR
and melody of hope to reignite;
Eyes steady on Ray’s electric guitar.
Women holding hands, smiles, laughter: all are
basked in bottle glare. And in her own right,
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar.
Amber Bock in my hand, a friend not far
away, speakers’ loud pound, and I delight
to dance, to sing, to see Amy’s guitar.
Though the star of her eyes is my own scar,
I know she saw me that midsummer night.
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar,
but not always were on Amy’s guitar.
......
So, the second one makes it sound like I wanted to get back together with her. I do miss her, wish she would allow us to be friends, but that's her choice and I can't change it, just abide by it. But I do miss her smile and her eyes. But no, my feelings that night was not anywhere near the want to get back with her. Actually, my feelings were quite split ALL night long.
A few of you all were at the Amy Ray concert at The Dame a few weeks ago. My ex was there, and this is, for the most part, how I felt about that.
I haven't titled it yet..... Ideas?
Open Form:
Amy Ray on the stage –
red tee and plaid pants –
booming bass and melody
out of the tall speakers standing
over me, almost overwhelming.
The chords crowd the air
as feet dance crowded beats.
Streetlights and car lights filter
in the door with cropped haircuts,
purses, smiles, and smokers.
A friend alongside me,
Amber Bock in my hand,
I look down the long bar
past women holding hands,
bartender opening beer bottles,
and see at the end, her.
All night I never saw her
eyes looking back at me.
I knew she saw me.
Fixed Form: Villanelle
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar
when she walked in under The Dame’s streetlight.
Chords crowd on stage from Amy Ray’s guitar.
Cropped haircuts, purse-strings, and smoker’s cigar
mill around by the bartender. Tonight
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar.
Booming bass unknown on my NPR
and melody of hope to reignite;
Eyes steady on Ray’s electric guitar.
Women holding hands, smiles, laughter: all are
basked in bottle glare. And in her own right,
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar.
Amber Bock in my hand, a friend not far
away, speakers’ loud pound, and I delight
to dance, to sing, to see Amy’s guitar.
Though the star of her eyes is my own scar,
I know she saw me that midsummer night.
Never saw her eyes see me at the bar,
but not always were on Amy’s guitar.
......
So, the second one makes it sound like I wanted to get back together with her. I do miss her, wish she would allow us to be friends, but that's her choice and I can't change it, just abide by it. But I do miss her smile and her eyes. But no, my feelings that night was not anywhere near the want to get back with her. Actually, my feelings were quite split ALL night long.
archive: 3 november 2005: sexuality and hints
I just got off the phone with my mom. In part of the conversation she mentioned Harvey. Let me tell you about Harvey. When my brother-in-law first enlisted in the Air Force, he met up with a couple of interesting guys. Gregg and two of the guys, Harvey included, came to visit at my mom's house. I don't remember what grade I was in, maybe 9th? or 10th? But after they had left, my sister had commented to me that Harvey had told her that he had been impressed by me. He and I had talked about some things, what I don't remember at all. Nice enough guy, but kinda reminds me of Elvis Costello in appearance. Kinda cute, kinda nerdy or geeky. Anyway, Mom is like... Harvey is back, and he's in Cincinnati. *very very subtle hint from Mom* Oh, I say, In Cincinnati. Cool. Changes subject.
You see... I am going to have to have a real conversation with mom about my sexuality. I want to ask some questions, her honest real opinion. I think she really needs to know a few things. I also think she would rather think its a phase or something. Its not. I'm queer. I am more myself as a lesbian now than I ever was as straight in Mississippi.
You see... I am going to have to have a real conversation with mom about my sexuality. I want to ask some questions, her honest real opinion. I think she really needs to know a few things. I also think she would rather think its a phase or something. Its not. I'm queer. I am more myself as a lesbian now than I ever was as straight in Mississippi.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
archive: 30 october 2005: yadda club and stuff
Had great fun at The Yadda Club this weekend. Danced a lot, and with one girl (really cute) who was an absolutely great dancer. She danced with all of us (Jo, Lisa, Emily, and me) and we all had a great time. The DJ was way better than the one at Jacob's. I still have some of those motown tunes in my head. "Tears of a Clown" is playing right now. :)
Dancing reminded me that I can get down. haha... I lose my balance (of course) but I am still pretty limber, just not as much as I used to be. Well, all this is about to change. I'm going to be doing a lot more running and gym stuff.
Met Jo's friend Emily this weekend. Wonderfully awesome girl, and glad to have met her. Without knowing it, she's reminded me of some things I have let slide. I used to be so many things, but I have slacked off and let things go to the wayside. No more. I really have to get motivated, more disciplined, and then I won't feel so bad about myself all the time. I know I am capable of three times the amount of stuff I already do... I just have to get myself back on the right track.
Also, I think I will not consider myself a vegetarian. I think I am just going to cut out pork and beef. Those two meats have the most cholesterol levels. I just looked it up for shrimp and in that case, I should cut that out too, but I have shrimp so rarely that I don't think I will. Chicken a lower amount as long as it is baked or grilled, but battered and fried is a big no. This is a pretty neat link to see items' cholesterol levels.
Anyway, here's the link to the pictures!! Halloween costumes and fun women. wooo!
Dancing reminded me that I can get down. haha... I lose my balance (of course) but I am still pretty limber, just not as much as I used to be. Well, all this is about to change. I'm going to be doing a lot more running and gym stuff.
Met Jo's friend Emily this weekend. Wonderfully awesome girl, and glad to have met her. Without knowing it, she's reminded me of some things I have let slide. I used to be so many things, but I have slacked off and let things go to the wayside. No more. I really have to get motivated, more disciplined, and then I won't feel so bad about myself all the time. I know I am capable of three times the amount of stuff I already do... I just have to get myself back on the right track.
Also, I think I will not consider myself a vegetarian. I think I am just going to cut out pork and beef. Those two meats have the most cholesterol levels. I just looked it up for shrimp and in that case, I should cut that out too, but I have shrimp so rarely that I don't think I will. Chicken a lower amount as long as it is baked or grilled, but battered and fried is a big no. This is a pretty neat link to see items' cholesterol levels.
Anyway, here's the link to the pictures!! Halloween costumes and fun women. wooo!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
archive: 27 october 2005: nightwalking
At about 12:15 last night I went for a walk. I took the garbage out, looked up at the stars, and saw that they were actually very clearly visible. Orion, Cassopia, Taurus, the Pleiades, a few others... I wanted to stand out there for a long time, but the longer you stand still the colder you feel. The cold seeps into your blood, bones, and being. So I grabbed my mp3 player and went out the door, up the street, down Chesnut, around and around Fee Street, back down Chesnut, behind the library, into the Quad, down to and around back of Boone Tavern, to the parking lot there, and over by the dorm, and then straight back to my home from there. Overall, the latenight cold singing and star admiring peaceful solitude nightwalk was a little over an hour long. It felt damn good. Sleep was deep.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
archive: 26 october 2005: I don't know...
well, its comlpicated.
M. and I talked on IM last night for a while.... and after a while she says this and my response...
[11:47] M: Don't think I'm crazy...but I've missed you this week, or at least thought about you a couple times a day...its odd, didn't expect that from just meeting you saturday and such
[11:50] booknut1976: I don't think you're crazy. Its nice. But honestly we'd probably just be friends. The last month or so I have been thinking about relationships and stuff, and I doubt I can actually get into a serious one knowing that I am leaving next August.
[11:52] M: Yep, realized that...not to mention you seem opposed due to age difference
[11:54] booknut1976: yeah, sorta. I dunno. I thought about that. But I can tell you're looking to work towards a serious relationship.
Myself, I think I could get involved with someone, casually, but that when I move it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Doubt I'll meet someone like that, but I knew that before anything was talked about further I was going to let you know that. I don't like the idea of leading anyone on... Thats just cruel.
[11:55] M: yeah
[11:57] booknut1976: Its cool though, 'cause I think you're really nice and cute and everything, and another friend never hurts. If thats ok, with you. I mean... you deserve to find someone who will be able to reciprocate all your affections and not have a time that limits it.
[11:58] M: fine with me
[11:58] M: I like you, I won't lie about that
[11:58] M: however, my heart isn't up for that
[12:03] booknut1976: yeah... I know, and I wouldn't ask that of you.
But I could tell you were admiring me, and I wasn't sure what to do with that. So I talked with you for a while Saturday just to chill and know who you are. I mean, a compliment is a compliment, right? Thats a good thing. But I would never knowingly lead someone on through all kinds of intimate and sexual stuff without telling them I don't think it can get serious knowing they are completely emotionally attached. That'd be mean and awful. I knew either tonight or tomorrow we'd talk about this.
[12:03] M: yeah
[12:06] booknut1976: well... you ok?
[12:08] M: yeah, i'm alive...why?
[12:08] booknut1976: well, just sounded pretty silent over there...
[12:10] M: it happens...I'm thinking WAY too much...about a couple different things
[12:11] booknut1976: ahh... I do the thinking way too much thing. I will over analyze something till I either can't handle it anymore or just get fed up with it or just randomly pick a decision. I will over analyze something someone says sometimes and it can get a bit too much.
hah.
[12:11] M: I know the feeling
....................................
So, I have this on a preferred blog list thingie so I can sort out my thoughts on this. I said the right things, right? I mean, let me go into this.
1. I have 10 more months here and after that I don't know where I am going.
2. She's expressed casually in conversation about stuff that she doesn't kiss someone unless she's in love with them, and the same with sex. I respect that, and wouldn't ask someone with those values to do otherwise.
3. Since she has those values, I see no point in allowing her to think that things could get romantic when its possible I won't have invested as much emotionally.
4. She's 19, and the more I talk to her the more I realize she is a bit angsty still. hrm. Just the way things continued... After I went to bed she responded to the bulletins I posted, but didn't post them to the bulletin board but emailed them to me. Not a mistake, considering some of the answers. She has also written in her xanga:
"If I could kick the shit outta me...I would. I'm currently kicking my own ass however, because I passed up on an interesting opportunity. Damn my emotions...always getting in the way of senseless debauchery. Having coffee tomorrow night...that will be bittersweet, because I was hopeful for the first time in 4 months. So much for that, apparently life is measured in months and everything has to fit into these concise boxes to be packed away back home, so...I guess something with me is just too big for Mississippi"
So..... yeah. I did right, right? I mean... what else was I supposed to say? I'm not a deceptive person and I could never have gotten involved with her physically knowing the difference between us on that. gah....
I almost want to email her and say that it's probably not a good idea to meet up for coffee. I don't like seeing people I have disappointed, but this is a honest "this is for the good of you" kind of disappointment. Right?
M. and I talked on IM last night for a while.... and after a while she says this and my response...
[11:47] M: Don't think I'm crazy...but I've missed you this week, or at least thought about you a couple times a day...its odd, didn't expect that from just meeting you saturday and such
[11:50] booknut1976: I don't think you're crazy. Its nice. But honestly we'd probably just be friends. The last month or so I have been thinking about relationships and stuff, and I doubt I can actually get into a serious one knowing that I am leaving next August.
[11:52] M: Yep, realized that...not to mention you seem opposed due to age difference
[11:54] booknut1976: yeah, sorta. I dunno. I thought about that. But I can tell you're looking to work towards a serious relationship.
Myself, I think I could get involved with someone, casually, but that when I move it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Doubt I'll meet someone like that, but I knew that before anything was talked about further I was going to let you know that. I don't like the idea of leading anyone on... Thats just cruel.
[11:55] M: yeah
[11:57] booknut1976: Its cool though, 'cause I think you're really nice and cute and everything, and another friend never hurts. If thats ok, with you. I mean... you deserve to find someone who will be able to reciprocate all your affections and not have a time that limits it.
[11:58] M: fine with me
[11:58] M: I like you, I won't lie about that
[11:58] M: however, my heart isn't up for that
[12:03] booknut1976: yeah... I know, and I wouldn't ask that of you.
But I could tell you were admiring me, and I wasn't sure what to do with that. So I talked with you for a while Saturday just to chill and know who you are. I mean, a compliment is a compliment, right? Thats a good thing. But I would never knowingly lead someone on through all kinds of intimate and sexual stuff without telling them I don't think it can get serious knowing they are completely emotionally attached. That'd be mean and awful. I knew either tonight or tomorrow we'd talk about this.
[12:03] M: yeah
[12:06] booknut1976: well... you ok?
[12:08] M: yeah, i'm alive...why?
[12:08] booknut1976: well, just sounded pretty silent over there...
[12:10] M: it happens...I'm thinking WAY too much...about a couple different things
[12:11] booknut1976: ahh... I do the thinking way too much thing. I will over analyze something till I either can't handle it anymore or just get fed up with it or just randomly pick a decision. I will over analyze something someone says sometimes and it can get a bit too much.
hah.
[12:11] M: I know the feeling
....................................
So, I have this on a preferred blog list thingie so I can sort out my thoughts on this. I said the right things, right? I mean, let me go into this.
1. I have 10 more months here and after that I don't know where I am going.
2. She's expressed casually in conversation about stuff that she doesn't kiss someone unless she's in love with them, and the same with sex. I respect that, and wouldn't ask someone with those values to do otherwise.
3. Since she has those values, I see no point in allowing her to think that things could get romantic when its possible I won't have invested as much emotionally.
4. She's 19, and the more I talk to her the more I realize she is a bit angsty still. hrm. Just the way things continued... After I went to bed she responded to the bulletins I posted, but didn't post them to the bulletin board but emailed them to me. Not a mistake, considering some of the answers. She has also written in her xanga:
"If I could kick the shit outta me...I would. I'm currently kicking my own ass however, because I passed up on an interesting opportunity. Damn my emotions...always getting in the way of senseless debauchery. Having coffee tomorrow night...that will be bittersweet, because I was hopeful for the first time in 4 months. So much for that, apparently life is measured in months and everything has to fit into these concise boxes to be packed away back home, so...I guess something with me is just too big for Mississippi"
So..... yeah. I did right, right? I mean... what else was I supposed to say? I'm not a deceptive person and I could never have gotten involved with her physically knowing the difference between us on that. gah....
I almost want to email her and say that it's probably not a good idea to meet up for coffee. I don't like seeing people I have disappointed, but this is a honest "this is for the good of you" kind of disappointment. Right?
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
archive: 26 october 2005: xanga and missing folks
haha... I forgot I actually have this. Last time I had written in it was a day or two before I left for my interview for this job. Wow. I completely forgot about it. I got it because some other friends had just gotten one, but they never write in theirs, and I just deleted those subscriptions. I left the Chance Fisher one 'cause Sam's a friend and the band is still together.
I need to see if they are going to play anywhere around Jackson around Thanksgiving. Maybe I can go. I miss some of the Mississippi folks.
I am going to live a life of missing people from a number of places. But what will make it special is the connect-the-dot landscape of the places I have been, the people I meet, love, and know, and the memories attached to each place, bitter and sweet, sad and happy.
I really wonder where I will land next. I don't believe Berea will be able to offer me another job at the college archives. If anything around here, maybe UK will need someone for something. That will be one of the first places I send a unsolicited resume (whether they have a job opening or not), but most likely I will find myself either going as far as Louisville or out of the state.
I will not move back to Mississippi unless it is dire, like Mom is ill and needs taking care of or something like that.
I will not work in Alabama or Florida. Those states hold no appeal to me.
Ok. I am going to go watch Journey to Kafiristan. I should have bought popcorn. I am craving nibble-food.
I need to see if they are going to play anywhere around Jackson around Thanksgiving. Maybe I can go. I miss some of the Mississippi folks.
I am going to live a life of missing people from a number of places. But what will make it special is the connect-the-dot landscape of the places I have been, the people I meet, love, and know, and the memories attached to each place, bitter and sweet, sad and happy.
I really wonder where I will land next. I don't believe Berea will be able to offer me another job at the college archives. If anything around here, maybe UK will need someone for something. That will be one of the first places I send a unsolicited resume (whether they have a job opening or not), but most likely I will find myself either going as far as Louisville or out of the state.
I will not move back to Mississippi unless it is dire, like Mom is ill and needs taking care of or something like that.
I will not work in Alabama or Florida. Those states hold no appeal to me.
Ok. I am going to go watch Journey to Kafiristan. I should have bought popcorn. I am craving nibble-food.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
archive: 22 october 2005: poem
Look, I'm just standin' here with a cup 'o' joe in my hand listening to rhymes and beats, people snapping snaps and clapping claps, and you decide to just drop, drop right in my lap. Who do you think you are? You think I want you here, cramming up my space, digging hipbones into my thighs? Twisting thorn in my side, memory I can't escape no matter how hard I try. But I can't stop thinking of nights sleeping by you, curve to curve, thigh to thigh, hip to hip, back to chest spooned smooth, flowing bodies together, a river in my bed, between the two of us, cascade of hair and hips, heavy highs sighing. Between legs and thighs and lips down deep, where there's love and lust low down deep, and the drive lulls a lullaby to lose soul so deep. You squeeze me then, touching you where you haven't been touched in so fucking long and making you moan MY name, wrapping my hair in your fingers, pulling as I pull you by my fingertips deep. I breathe you in deep, my soul satisfied by your spice skin scent, pure spring water, to my lips and throat, and swallow you whole, down, low, and deep. I didn't ask for the touch of your deep curves still on my fingertips. ----------------------------------------- That's a specific memory. Maybe I can expand it, if I wanted to keep thinking about it right now, but then I would get all pissy and moody and lonely and horny and no where to vent it and no one to sleep with. heh. anyway... yeah... so. Comments? Suggestions? I want it to have more of a spoken word sound rather than a "poem on a page" feel.
Monday, October 17, 2005
archive: 17 october 2005: fun work talk silliness
You know, I really do like these people I work with every day. Shannon, Harry, Steve, and Grace. Shannon just got through telling me about this woman who is requesting images of Berea College so that she can make a quilt, and she's only in the selection process. Well, that's not so bad if they were not planning on finishing and presenting the quilt at Homecoming in three weeks. And whatever images she chooses has to be scanned still! So little time and so much else going on. But it seems that Harry gets here pretty early in the morning, before 8 a.m., and he has already photocopied many images for her perusal....
Harry: That's why I get paid the Big Bucks.
Shannon: haha... That's why you SHOULD be getting the Big Bucks.
:)
It might have been funnier hearing it than retelling it.
Ok. I better get back to "work." hehe
I do wonder if I might possibly get offered a position here permanently. It'd be pretty neat, but then again, I do like the idea of moving again. Going someplace knew and starting over... again. But, I only just started here! Like, made really good friends this summer, etc etc. Practically took me a year to get that far. Maybe it is just a matter of growing each time, and not letting the reclusive and reserved person in me grabbing too much of a hold and not letting me meet people and make friends. I am shy. Not with friends, but I am shy in the very beginning of making friends and dates.
anyway... rambling again. work!!!
Harry: That's why I get paid the Big Bucks.
Shannon: haha... That's why you SHOULD be getting the Big Bucks.
:)
It might have been funnier hearing it than retelling it.
Ok. I better get back to "work." hehe
I do wonder if I might possibly get offered a position here permanently. It'd be pretty neat, but then again, I do like the idea of moving again. Going someplace knew and starting over... again. But, I only just started here! Like, made really good friends this summer, etc etc. Practically took me a year to get that far. Maybe it is just a matter of growing each time, and not letting the reclusive and reserved person in me grabbing too much of a hold and not letting me meet people and make friends. I am shy. Not with friends, but I am shy in the very beginning of making friends and dates.
anyway... rambling again. work!!!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
archive: 15 october 2005: motivation and house cleaning
I will say this about seeing Becky on Wednesday night:
From a glance I could tell she followed through on what she said her plans were for the summer: To ride her bike a LOT, run, exercise.... I could tell she toned up some. I had done the opposite. I had gained 5-10 pounds on top of the 20 I had gained the year and a half before. I have 25-30 pounds I want to lose, and then to tone up. I want to be back at my 120. The weight gain was a combined "eating more pasta and fatty stuff" and metabolism slowing down. I used to be "miss boney" in 7th, 8th grade 'cause my metabolism was so fast... I was not thin, I was skinny. I finally got some curves in high school, not much to notice, but if I sat on someone's lap they weren't going to say my bones were poking them too much. hehe. I've let food be too much of a comfort rather than a nurishment.
Anyway, maybe I feel a tad bit sense of motivation. I need to eat a little healthier (I don't eat a lot of fatty things anyway, and no beef, pork, or ham). I need to eat more veggies, though those tend to get expensive and spoil fast. gah. But most of all, I need an exercise routine. I am going to inflate that damn pilates ball. And I am going to start doing crunches or something for my abs. Its all got to tone up and then it won't be so bad.
I read something in this health magazine about detoxification. I might try that plan. It'll have to start the beginnng of November as I would have to buy all kinds of fiber-rich foods and whatnot.
I am not going to have heart problems like the rest of my family has had. I am not going to have diabetes when I get older. I am not going to allow myself to get up to 200 pounds like so many of my family has allowed themselves to get. I'm at 150 lbs and right now this is my breaking point. I'm not 100% comfortable with myself. And its going to be hard to do this 'cause Winter is coming on, natural "I want to just eat and hibernate all Winter" mode, and it will be difficult to fight that. But I will try.
Been busy today though. Got laundry done at the laundrymat. Gotta put it up now. Finish doing dishes next. Clean out that litter box. Sweep, vaccuum. Bills. Write postcards to friends/family, and birthday cards to my cousins who have birthdays on the 17th and 18th.
Might go back to Owsley Fork (if I have time) and take more sunset pictures. Maybe tomorrow instead. I just got a movie in from Netflix too, probably "sense and sensibility." I haven't seen it yet.
And crushes? I dunno. I have little hopes here and there, but somehow I just know it is pointless. I make such subtle hints. Maybe its bad timing anyway. Thats ok. Maybe not a good match anyway. And distance. And time. And money. Everything's just telling me to chill out and wait it out. It is not going to happen here, but maybe where-ever my job takes me next... VA? NC? MA? NY? Who knows?
From a glance I could tell she followed through on what she said her plans were for the summer: To ride her bike a LOT, run, exercise.... I could tell she toned up some. I had done the opposite. I had gained 5-10 pounds on top of the 20 I had gained the year and a half before. I have 25-30 pounds I want to lose, and then to tone up. I want to be back at my 120. The weight gain was a combined "eating more pasta and fatty stuff" and metabolism slowing down. I used to be "miss boney" in 7th, 8th grade 'cause my metabolism was so fast... I was not thin, I was skinny. I finally got some curves in high school, not much to notice, but if I sat on someone's lap they weren't going to say my bones were poking them too much. hehe. I've let food be too much of a comfort rather than a nurishment.
Anyway, maybe I feel a tad bit sense of motivation. I need to eat a little healthier (I don't eat a lot of fatty things anyway, and no beef, pork, or ham). I need to eat more veggies, though those tend to get expensive and spoil fast. gah. But most of all, I need an exercise routine. I am going to inflate that damn pilates ball. And I am going to start doing crunches or something for my abs. Its all got to tone up and then it won't be so bad.
I read something in this health magazine about detoxification. I might try that plan. It'll have to start the beginnng of November as I would have to buy all kinds of fiber-rich foods and whatnot.
I am not going to have heart problems like the rest of my family has had. I am not going to have diabetes when I get older. I am not going to allow myself to get up to 200 pounds like so many of my family has allowed themselves to get. I'm at 150 lbs and right now this is my breaking point. I'm not 100% comfortable with myself. And its going to be hard to do this 'cause Winter is coming on, natural "I want to just eat and hibernate all Winter" mode, and it will be difficult to fight that. But I will try.
Been busy today though. Got laundry done at the laundrymat. Gotta put it up now. Finish doing dishes next. Clean out that litter box. Sweep, vaccuum. Bills. Write postcards to friends/family, and birthday cards to my cousins who have birthdays on the 17th and 18th.
Might go back to Owsley Fork (if I have time) and take more sunset pictures. Maybe tomorrow instead. I just got a movie in from Netflix too, probably "sense and sensibility." I haven't seen it yet.
And crushes? I dunno. I have little hopes here and there, but somehow I just know it is pointless. I make such subtle hints. Maybe its bad timing anyway. Thats ok. Maybe not a good match anyway. And distance. And time. And money. Everything's just telling me to chill out and wait it out. It is not going to happen here, but maybe where-ever my job takes me next... VA? NC? MA? NY? Who knows?
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
archive: 12 october 2005: amy ray and capital b
so... what an amazing night. I'll list the craziness with sporadic details and then I need to get onward to bed because I work in the early a.m.
1. Met up with Jo and Lisa and ate dinner at Jo's place. Happy to see Lisa. I got my threads and beads so now I can make those bracelets and necklaces. wooo! Good food, good friends, good times.
2. Jo and I went to The Dame and got there right about 8. I find out a little later that the opening act doesn't start at 8, but its that the doors OPEN at 8, and music starts at 9. doh!
3. Met Angie. Awesomely cute hair in person is absolutely great, and she seems really fun and I was happy to meet her. :)
4. Spotted my ex, Becky, across the bar, but no eye contact. First time I had seen her since we broke up, 6 months ago. Decided that going up to her would be a bad idea. Decided not to try to make eye contact (she told me a long time ago that we could never be friends, and that if we ever ran into each other in the same bar there would be no cordial "hi, how are you?" chit-chat. I know her enough to know this is true.) I pointed her out to Jo. I kinda had it in the back of my mind the rest of the night where Becky was in the bar. She had a lady-friend with her, don't know if they were together or friends, but if they are together, then I would definitely be happy for Becky. I had told her that I wanted nothing but for her to be happy. So I kept pushing it to the back of my mind and kept on having a good time.
5. AMY RAY ROCKED! I didn't know hardly any words to any songs (until the chorus repeated) and damn... I was soooo hyper from live-music-happy-grooving-adrenaline. hehe. She totally loved us. We kept hooting, and whistling and kyak-kyaking! heheh... And she encored us with a cover of Tom Petty's "Refugee." OMG! That was so great! And I know ALL the words to that song, and I was soooo happy and hyper and dancing all over the place and having a hell of a good time I forgot for a brief second about other things going on in my head about other people. :) It was a nice brief moment.
6. Capital B is AWESOME. I had suspicions that she was Bitch of Bitch and Animal and it turned out that I was right. Fantastic!! She kept sorta flashing us on the left side. She had on this little tiny striped "skirt" scrap wrap thingie. Didn't totally cover her butt. But it was a cute butt. hehe. She was so Pink and her hair rocked all over the place. Loved her music and her poetry.
7. Too bad I was very limited on funds and couldn't get an Amy Ray T-shirt right then... They are not selling them on the website unless there are some left over at the end of the tour.
ok!! Bedtime. Good dreams, I hope.
Oh, and Jo said that she saw Becky look over a few times, when we were really having a good time. Its a good thing that she see me having a good time, and I would have liked to have seen her having a good time. The few times I glanced over there I did see that she was smiling, and that is a good thing.
happy dreams to all and to all a good night!!!!
1. Met up with Jo and Lisa and ate dinner at Jo's place. Happy to see Lisa. I got my threads and beads so now I can make those bracelets and necklaces. wooo! Good food, good friends, good times.
2. Jo and I went to The Dame and got there right about 8. I find out a little later that the opening act doesn't start at 8, but its that the doors OPEN at 8, and music starts at 9. doh!
3. Met Angie. Awesomely cute hair in person is absolutely great, and she seems really fun and I was happy to meet her. :)
4. Spotted my ex, Becky, across the bar, but no eye contact. First time I had seen her since we broke up, 6 months ago. Decided that going up to her would be a bad idea. Decided not to try to make eye contact (she told me a long time ago that we could never be friends, and that if we ever ran into each other in the same bar there would be no cordial "hi, how are you?" chit-chat. I know her enough to know this is true.) I pointed her out to Jo. I kinda had it in the back of my mind the rest of the night where Becky was in the bar. She had a lady-friend with her, don't know if they were together or friends, but if they are together, then I would definitely be happy for Becky. I had told her that I wanted nothing but for her to be happy. So I kept pushing it to the back of my mind and kept on having a good time.
5. AMY RAY ROCKED! I didn't know hardly any words to any songs (until the chorus repeated) and damn... I was soooo hyper from live-music-happy-grooving-adrenaline. hehe. She totally loved us. We kept hooting, and whistling and kyak-kyaking! heheh... And she encored us with a cover of Tom Petty's "Refugee." OMG! That was so great! And I know ALL the words to that song, and I was soooo happy and hyper and dancing all over the place and having a hell of a good time I forgot for a brief second about other things going on in my head about other people. :) It was a nice brief moment.
6. Capital B is AWESOME. I had suspicions that she was Bitch of Bitch and Animal and it turned out that I was right. Fantastic!! She kept sorta flashing us on the left side. She had on this little tiny striped "skirt" scrap wrap thingie. Didn't totally cover her butt. But it was a cute butt. hehe. She was so Pink and her hair rocked all over the place. Loved her music and her poetry.
7. Too bad I was very limited on funds and couldn't get an Amy Ray T-shirt right then... They are not selling them on the website unless there are some left over at the end of the tour.
ok!! Bedtime. Good dreams, I hope.
Oh, and Jo said that she saw Becky look over a few times, when we were really having a good time. Its a good thing that she see me having a good time, and I would have liked to have seen her having a good time. The few times I glanced over there I did see that she was smiling, and that is a good thing.
happy dreams to all and to all a good night!!!!
Friday, October 7, 2005
archive: 7 october 2005: jazz, warhol, hughes
I am watching "I shot andy warhol." Should be asleep, but I like Lily Taylor. I mean... she's cute.
Or maybe I should sleep and I'll just get it from Netflix sometime... watch it through without commercials.
Tonight I saw the "Langston Hughes Project" perform on campus. One, great music. I stared at the pianist the entire time. I was watching how he moved, head bob, sway, bounce, shake... lips squeench up and mutter the beat, bam-be-bop-ba-do... Fingertips doing the tango and swing-dancing on the keys. And he, the pianist, the bassist, and the drummer all are not mentioned on the project's website, so its my guess they are not always the ones to perform. But Ron McCurdy and John Wright have the sax, horn, flute, and spoken word down. Yeah... "Ask Your Mama: 12 Moods for Jazz." I asked Rob (the pianist) if there's going to be a CD. He said to look for a DVD on the website sometime. That's cool... It'd be almost 2 hours long, music and Langston Hughes' rhymes and rhythms.
Its made me wanna write. BUT by the time I got my ass back to the apartment... I didn't know where to start. I have a concept though, and it will take time and effort, but it will come out when I have the energy and resources.
Damn, I do love jazz. Not elevator jazz. But jazz that makes your body rock. Jazz that makes your soul leap from toes to fingertips. Jazz that has lyrics within itself, unwritten and without tangible words.
Its been a damn long time.
Or maybe I should sleep and I'll just get it from Netflix sometime... watch it through without commercials.
Tonight I saw the "Langston Hughes Project" perform on campus. One, great music. I stared at the pianist the entire time. I was watching how he moved, head bob, sway, bounce, shake... lips squeench up and mutter the beat, bam-be-bop-ba-do... Fingertips doing the tango and swing-dancing on the keys. And he, the pianist, the bassist, and the drummer all are not mentioned on the project's website, so its my guess they are not always the ones to perform. But Ron McCurdy and John Wright have the sax, horn, flute, and spoken word down. Yeah... "Ask Your Mama: 12 Moods for Jazz." I asked Rob (the pianist) if there's going to be a CD. He said to look for a DVD on the website sometime. That's cool... It'd be almost 2 hours long, music and Langston Hughes' rhymes and rhythms.
Its made me wanna write. BUT by the time I got my ass back to the apartment... I didn't know where to start. I have a concept though, and it will take time and effort, but it will come out when I have the energy and resources.
Damn, I do love jazz. Not elevator jazz. But jazz that makes your body rock. Jazz that makes your soul leap from toes to fingertips. Jazz that has lyrics within itself, unwritten and without tangible words.
Its been a damn long time.
Thursday, October 6, 2005
archive: 6 october 2005: wired sleepless wakeful dreams of what could-not-have-been
damnit, now I am all wired up and I can't sleep.
grrrrrrr....
Mike was right. I should have been a policewoman or went into law or something. I get so freaking passionate about this crap 'cause it makes me so angry. I wouldn't be some lawyer or politician who could easily be swayed one way or another... I am an idealist, and damnit, I never seem to lose a little of the naivety of being an idealist either. So that's how I would be a stubborn liberal lawyer... if it weren't for the stress and the anxiety of speaking in front of audiences.
agh.
SLEEP NOW
....
In the middle of waking and sleeping and dreaming, there are constellations which skirt the sky under the petticoats of Andromena, or chasing after hunter Orion, running away from the Scorpion, ever searching for Diana, paranoid Artemis is waiting in the shadows to win her battle. Goodbye Orion, you lose. I do not admire your three-star belt anymore. It does not fit my fancy anymore. And wakefulness leads to random play in dreams of what could have should have never been and but not-dreams become sleepless reality in cloudy green fields of irises.
and yes. random nonesense.
g'night.
grrrrrrr....
Mike was right. I should have been a policewoman or went into law or something. I get so freaking passionate about this crap 'cause it makes me so angry. I wouldn't be some lawyer or politician who could easily be swayed one way or another... I am an idealist, and damnit, I never seem to lose a little of the naivety of being an idealist either. So that's how I would be a stubborn liberal lawyer... if it weren't for the stress and the anxiety of speaking in front of audiences.
agh.
SLEEP NOW
....
In the middle of waking and sleeping and dreaming, there are constellations which skirt the sky under the petticoats of Andromena, or chasing after hunter Orion, running away from the Scorpion, ever searching for Diana, paranoid Artemis is waiting in the shadows to win her battle. Goodbye Orion, you lose. I do not admire your three-star belt anymore. It does not fit my fancy anymore. And wakefulness leads to random play in dreams of what could have should have never been and but not-dreams become sleepless reality in cloudy green fields of irises.
and yes. random nonesense.
g'night.
Wednesday, October 5, 2005
archive: 5 october 2005: sexuality (this is long)
OK. This settles it for once and for all, damnit. [maybe]
There's these labels, identities, titles, self-descriptions of sexuality: Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Queer. Transgender. Asexual. Straight. etc etc.
So... when someone starts wanting to analyze themselves, to take the pieces of their being down to examine and decipher, to "figure herself out." To find her definition, her label, her sexuality.... It gets quite a bit complicated.
I'm 29 years old. I have a lot of experience under my belt, in a sense.
I had my first boyfriend at 16 for a week and a half. Next boyfriend was at 19. Boyfriend after that was at 20. Etc etc.
First girl crush? 7th grade, at least. First "oh my god, I seriously majorly want to do things to that girl" crush? Senior year of high school, and damnit, if I knew where she was now I still would want to do all those things. Except she's straight, married, and has a little boy. But at least I had told her that I had had a major crush on her.
And ever since then I have been acknowledging the crushes and attractions to girls. But when I lived in Mississippi, it just.... didn't feel like an option. And the few times I tried to date/meet a girl... just never were successful. Too many bicurious girls who stood you up when you were just meeting at the bookstore cafe to talk. How can just talking be anything but harmless? Seriously.
Anyway... So... Crushes on Boys, Crushes on Girls. I do have a detailed list of when, who, what I did with who, etc. Just for my own memory and purposes. But yeah, back and forth, girls, boys, girls, boys....
I get my butt up here to Kentucky and I seriously am not interested in any guys I meet or see. I think, "ok, they're all too young or just not attractive on this campus." But I also think... This is a whole state of people who don't know me. Who don't know my family, don't have preconceived notions about me or who I should be. This town is laid back, kinda hippie, very accepting... Liberal. Mississippi is Conservative, USA. At least Kentucky is a little more Moderate.
So... since I moved here I felt freer to be ME. To not give a fucking hell about some things. I went to the gay clubs, I went to Mia's, I went mainly with the decision of NUMBERO UNO: I want to make friends. But I also wanted to finally meet a woman I was attracted to and date. And I did. And Becky and I were together for 3 months.
And I decided I felt much more myself with her. I felt more physically comfortable with her. And as for sex, I.... well, honestly, I liked sex with a woman more than I did with the guys. Now, now... I did have good sex with my ex-boyfriends. They knew what they were doing and all that... And I have had a variety of sizes, etc, etc, whatever. Its more... I do like going down on a woman more than I did a man. Yeah, sometimes I did like it, but that was minority. Circumstances had to be right, mood and all that. The rest of that is for poetry. ;)
So... do I like girls or guys? Do I honestly have to choose one over the other permanently? For me (and this discussion is only in describing me, and not to be used to judge others because everyone is different and loves and has different needs), but for me I can only love one person at a time with all my being. I cannot spend my energy on more than one person intimately. So yeah, I may find myself sometimes attracted to a guy, not just for physical attributes, but also his personality and friendliness and honesty. And let's say I date him. I have never been successful at attempting to date more than one person at a time, and seriously, I don't think I could do it even if the opportunity arose. But I date monogamously. And I would not start something with a woman at the same time.... I just can't do that myself.
So... point is I date monogamously, no matter the gender.
When I was dating Becky her worry was that since I was bisexual then that meant if I met the right guy I would leave her to date him. I kept telling her that that was not true and that is not who I am. I am in love with one person and I do not leave someone for another person, no matter gender. I do not cheat. And I am always honest. ESPECIALLY in a relationship. Communication, whether you want to hear it or not, is my thing. If the relationship is going downhill its going to be one or more of these options: (1) conflict of some kind between the two of us, (2) you cheat on me, (3) either of us have to move away and decide that relationship can't withstand long-distance, (4) one of us dies, (5) immense lack of trust or dishonesty on your part. I don't put up with lies.
So man or woman?
I think sexually I prefer women. And emotionally and personality-wise, more often women. But, occasionally there may be the possibility of a man having traits I really admire and appreciate. So... love ought to be genderless. If I met the right guy while being single, then why not give him a chance? If I met the right woman while being single, then why not give her a chance?
So...
Because I am not just straight....
Because I am not just bisexual....
Because I am not just lesbian....
I choose to describe myself as Queer.
So if you read through all this, and you've taken a little time to actually get to know me, you will know that I am not one to play games, that I am honest, and that I am not trendy or slutty. I am straightforward. Ask me questions and I answer honestly.
There's these labels, identities, titles, self-descriptions of sexuality: Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Queer. Transgender. Asexual. Straight. etc etc.
So... when someone starts wanting to analyze themselves, to take the pieces of their being down to examine and decipher, to "figure herself out." To find her definition, her label, her sexuality.... It gets quite a bit complicated.
I'm 29 years old. I have a lot of experience under my belt, in a sense.
I had my first boyfriend at 16 for a week and a half. Next boyfriend was at 19. Boyfriend after that was at 20. Etc etc.
First girl crush? 7th grade, at least. First "oh my god, I seriously majorly want to do things to that girl" crush? Senior year of high school, and damnit, if I knew where she was now I still would want to do all those things. Except she's straight, married, and has a little boy. But at least I had told her that I had had a major crush on her.
And ever since then I have been acknowledging the crushes and attractions to girls. But when I lived in Mississippi, it just.... didn't feel like an option. And the few times I tried to date/meet a girl... just never were successful. Too many bicurious girls who stood you up when you were just meeting at the bookstore cafe to talk. How can just talking be anything but harmless? Seriously.
Anyway... So... Crushes on Boys, Crushes on Girls. I do have a detailed list of when, who, what I did with who, etc. Just for my own memory and purposes. But yeah, back and forth, girls, boys, girls, boys....
I get my butt up here to Kentucky and I seriously am not interested in any guys I meet or see. I think, "ok, they're all too young or just not attractive on this campus." But I also think... This is a whole state of people who don't know me. Who don't know my family, don't have preconceived notions about me or who I should be. This town is laid back, kinda hippie, very accepting... Liberal. Mississippi is Conservative, USA. At least Kentucky is a little more Moderate.
So... since I moved here I felt freer to be ME. To not give a fucking hell about some things. I went to the gay clubs, I went to Mia's, I went mainly with the decision of NUMBERO UNO: I want to make friends. But I also wanted to finally meet a woman I was attracted to and date. And I did. And Becky and I were together for 3 months.
And I decided I felt much more myself with her. I felt more physically comfortable with her. And as for sex, I.... well, honestly, I liked sex with a woman more than I did with the guys. Now, now... I did have good sex with my ex-boyfriends. They knew what they were doing and all that... And I have had a variety of sizes, etc, etc, whatever. Its more... I do like going down on a woman more than I did a man. Yeah, sometimes I did like it, but that was minority. Circumstances had to be right, mood and all that. The rest of that is for poetry. ;)
So... do I like girls or guys? Do I honestly have to choose one over the other permanently? For me (and this discussion is only in describing me, and not to be used to judge others because everyone is different and loves and has different needs), but for me I can only love one person at a time with all my being. I cannot spend my energy on more than one person intimately. So yeah, I may find myself sometimes attracted to a guy, not just for physical attributes, but also his personality and friendliness and honesty. And let's say I date him. I have never been successful at attempting to date more than one person at a time, and seriously, I don't think I could do it even if the opportunity arose. But I date monogamously. And I would not start something with a woman at the same time.... I just can't do that myself.
So... point is I date monogamously, no matter the gender.
When I was dating Becky her worry was that since I was bisexual then that meant if I met the right guy I would leave her to date him. I kept telling her that that was not true and that is not who I am. I am in love with one person and I do not leave someone for another person, no matter gender. I do not cheat. And I am always honest. ESPECIALLY in a relationship. Communication, whether you want to hear it or not, is my thing. If the relationship is going downhill its going to be one or more of these options: (1) conflict of some kind between the two of us, (2) you cheat on me, (3) either of us have to move away and decide that relationship can't withstand long-distance, (4) one of us dies, (5) immense lack of trust or dishonesty on your part. I don't put up with lies.
So man or woman?
I think sexually I prefer women. And emotionally and personality-wise, more often women. But, occasionally there may be the possibility of a man having traits I really admire and appreciate. So... love ought to be genderless. If I met the right guy while being single, then why not give him a chance? If I met the right woman while being single, then why not give her a chance?
So...
Because I am not just straight....
Because I am not just bisexual....
Because I am not just lesbian....
I choose to describe myself as Queer.
So if you read through all this, and you've taken a little time to actually get to know me, you will know that I am not one to play games, that I am honest, and that I am not trendy or slutty. I am straightforward. Ask me questions and I answer honestly.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
archive: 4 october 2005: mental deciphering
Trying to write a poem about last night, about seeing my photos and Becky's mother's paintings both on the walls of Mia's last night... There's so much that could be said, and there's so much about how I feel about that, all the unsaid said things that those two things being in conjunction mean.
I guess really I shouldn't think anything of it at all.
But then again maybe I like torturing myself.
I must be masochist. I was once told that I was. But that was by someone who knew very little about me. But I think he was right. I think I like to pain myself. heh.
I keep crushes bottled up inside, because really... whatever excuses I come up with for not stating the facts, 'mam. And then attractions that I am trying to decipher and make make sense. Once I figure myself to be one way I find that maybe I contradict myself. And why do I think I want one thing over another? And my reasons for feeling this way can be described as this, but really its this, isn't it?
I know I am being cryptic. Its not meant to be deciphered. I know what I am talking about. This is for me.
I gotta get back to work. And I am writing that blasted poem. Its just going to take all day, scattered in with my work.
I guess really I shouldn't think anything of it at all.
But then again maybe I like torturing myself.
I must be masochist. I was once told that I was. But that was by someone who knew very little about me. But I think he was right. I think I like to pain myself. heh.
I keep crushes bottled up inside, because really... whatever excuses I come up with for not stating the facts, 'mam. And then attractions that I am trying to decipher and make make sense. Once I figure myself to be one way I find that maybe I contradict myself. And why do I think I want one thing over another? And my reasons for feeling this way can be described as this, but really its this, isn't it?
I know I am being cryptic. Its not meant to be deciphered. I know what I am talking about. This is for me.
I gotta get back to work. And I am writing that blasted poem. Its just going to take all day, scattered in with my work.
Sunday, October 2, 2005
archive: 2 october 2005: strange dream
I just had a strange dream...
I went out to eat with Jo, Lisa, Billy, and Jeff. Then they dropped me off somewhere, probably a bookstore or coffeehouse place, and went on their way to something else. I ran into Becky at whereever I was. She didn't seem angry or upset or anything. She smiled, and was all friendly-like. Then when she talked to me, I felt this was really weird. She started asking questions about if I was dating anyone, etc. Then she took me around places to introduce me to single women close to my age. I felt very awkward about the whole thing 'cause it was Becky and she wasn't appearing upset at all. She knew people who had profiles online (she's never done anything on the internet, which would surprise me if she has now). She introduced me to someone who's nickname online is "little love" (this is a song title of Melissa Ferrick's). The coffeehouse seemed like a huge mansion, or else that's what this place became. "Little love" was playing on a laptop on a chaise lounge. Then Becky and I went into another room and she introduced me to two other women who were sitting on a bed. I was looking across the room through a doorway into the hallway there which looked like a hospital. And someone I knew (but I didn't know their name or face in the dream, just that I knew them) was on a bed being carted away. Oh, and there were snack machines and food everywhere. And Becky weighed 50 pounds heavier than when I knew her (in the year before I met her she had lost about 100 pounds on some soy diet plan.) In the dream she was talking about all these snack machines in every room of this mansion/coffeehouse. I thought it was weird and comment that not every room needs a snack machine; the world eats too many unhealthy snacks all the time anyway, don't need to make matters worse." She gave me this look which said, "WTF??" Then I woke up.
Very strange. Hadn't had a dream about Becky since before we broke up, six months ago. Damn.
I went out to eat with Jo, Lisa, Billy, and Jeff. Then they dropped me off somewhere, probably a bookstore or coffeehouse place, and went on their way to something else. I ran into Becky at whereever I was. She didn't seem angry or upset or anything. She smiled, and was all friendly-like. Then when she talked to me, I felt this was really weird. She started asking questions about if I was dating anyone, etc. Then she took me around places to introduce me to single women close to my age. I felt very awkward about the whole thing 'cause it was Becky and she wasn't appearing upset at all. She knew people who had profiles online (she's never done anything on the internet, which would surprise me if she has now). She introduced me to someone who's nickname online is "little love" (this is a song title of Melissa Ferrick's). The coffeehouse seemed like a huge mansion, or else that's what this place became. "Little love" was playing on a laptop on a chaise lounge. Then Becky and I went into another room and she introduced me to two other women who were sitting on a bed. I was looking across the room through a doorway into the hallway there which looked like a hospital. And someone I knew (but I didn't know their name or face in the dream, just that I knew them) was on a bed being carted away. Oh, and there were snack machines and food everywhere. And Becky weighed 50 pounds heavier than when I knew her (in the year before I met her she had lost about 100 pounds on some soy diet plan.) In the dream she was talking about all these snack machines in every room of this mansion/coffeehouse. I thought it was weird and comment that not every room needs a snack machine; the world eats too many unhealthy snacks all the time anyway, don't need to make matters worse." She gave me this look which said, "WTF??" Then I woke up.
Very strange. Hadn't had a dream about Becky since before we broke up, six months ago. Damn.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
archive: 25 september 2005 Over the weekend...
Wow, what a fun weekend. I can hardly remember Friday night now... oh yeah, I just sat around and watched a couple of movies. heh. Saturday night was good fun. Went with Lisa, Billy, Jeff, and Jo to Mia's for dinner and then went to Club Liquid after that. The drag show at Liquid could have been better (I have seen better) and the DJ should have been better. Too bad that the first time the guys had been there it wasn't the best show and music. Doesn't make for good first impressions.
I know I got a bit more tipsy/drunk than I should have. I had one vodka collins at Mia's, then bought two more at Liquid. I didn't drink all of that third one. I was beginning to piss myself off and for a while there it was noticeable, asked about, I whined, and really.... I am so very sorry. That's such party-pooper behavior and I really shouldn't let myself think so much. That certainly didn't make for good first impressions either. But I mostly remember everything I said, and I do remember everything I did and felt and saw. There's some things I am not sure mean anything at all, but at the time it was hard to not think something at all. I know... I am weird and will shut up now.
Or not. Today we had pancakes and waffle fries. And watched "The Wedding Date," which was a cute movie. Then I saw two episodes of "Weeds" and was much amused by that show. I like it. I think I need to see about getting Showtime back on my TV. I went back to basic cable in July. Then I left Lisa, Billy, and Jeff around 4, I think.
I went to Common Grounds for a while. I was there for about an hour and a half before I decided that I just wanted to walk around downtown a minute. I took some pictures. Thought a lot, like a roller-coaster, but never landed.
I am glad to have met Jeff, who seems like a really nice guy. I'm sure I will meet up with him some more sometime. So, welcome to Lexington. :)
And Lisa... if you see this... I forgot my beads and thread. I think it may be in the floorboard of the car behind the driver's seat in a Walmart bag. Would you hold on to that? Maybe we can meet up sometime during the week, this weekend, or next week? We'll have to see. And that yellow rose... probably dried out now, but its ya'll's now. :)
Well, Ned Kelly came from Netflix yesterday and I may just go watch that now. But I am going to make a few changes on this profile-thing now.
I know I got a bit more tipsy/drunk than I should have. I had one vodka collins at Mia's, then bought two more at Liquid. I didn't drink all of that third one. I was beginning to piss myself off and for a while there it was noticeable, asked about, I whined, and really.... I am so very sorry. That's such party-pooper behavior and I really shouldn't let myself think so much. That certainly didn't make for good first impressions either. But I mostly remember everything I said, and I do remember everything I did and felt and saw. There's some things I am not sure mean anything at all, but at the time it was hard to not think something at all. I know... I am weird and will shut up now.
Or not. Today we had pancakes and waffle fries. And watched "The Wedding Date," which was a cute movie. Then I saw two episodes of "Weeds" and was much amused by that show. I like it. I think I need to see about getting Showtime back on my TV. I went back to basic cable in July. Then I left Lisa, Billy, and Jeff around 4, I think.
I went to Common Grounds for a while. I was there for about an hour and a half before I decided that I just wanted to walk around downtown a minute. I took some pictures. Thought a lot, like a roller-coaster, but never landed.
I am glad to have met Jeff, who seems like a really nice guy. I'm sure I will meet up with him some more sometime. So, welcome to Lexington. :)
And Lisa... if you see this... I forgot my beads and thread. I think it may be in the floorboard of the car behind the driver's seat in a Walmart bag. Would you hold on to that? Maybe we can meet up sometime during the week, this weekend, or next week? We'll have to see. And that yellow rose... probably dried out now, but its ya'll's now. :)
Well, Ned Kelly came from Netflix yesterday and I may just go watch that now. But I am going to make a few changes on this profile-thing now.
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