archive: 31 july 2005: saturday news

I met Jo earlier today, and that was a lot of fun. She's really sweet, cute, and just had a good time talking about all sorts of things with her. She even loaned the first season of "Queer as Folk" to me, and I just watched the first three episodes tonight. I don't know how I am not going to watch it all day tomorrow. But I am about to go to bed, wake early, get some cleaning stuff done around the house, then give her a call and see if she wants to go hiking out at Natural Bridge. Also, I gotta go to Lexington to get my photos from Barnes and Noble anyway. Tomorrow is the 31st, last day of July, and last day for my photos to be there.

I really need to get on the Common Grounds coffee house site and see how I am supposed to get my photos up there. ;) I think it was a portfolio thing. And I need to go to Mia's on a Tuesday and talk with MaryBeth about putting up a few of my photos there... But I want to do a special theme for there... something very obvious. ;)

ok. Bed time. 1:30 a.m. I ought to get up at 9 to get some stuff done.

archive: 28 july 2005: a little writing

This is something I wrote during my lunch hour Wednesday... I almost always am thinking of some kind of scenerio like this.... Random spontaneity... this is what crushes put me through. damn. And note, this has not happened and very likely to never happen. I am romantic, and this sort of scenerio plays around in my head sometimes... These things rarely happen though. So, yeah, this has not happened. Just writing stuff out here and getting it out. Its fiction. :)
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Running at night I feel the air brush against my skin. Summer heat from the day has cooled, but the air is heavy with humidity. Skin prickles with sweat. When I run on campus I use the sidewalks from one end of the Quad to the other side. Dashing across the green when the chorus on my mp3 player starts again. The beat upbeat, excited, hyper, energetic, to inspire me to keep my feet pounding fast on the sidewalk. I pause for breath under the lights. They look like dinosaur dandelions when the forcast predicts rain early next morning. Sometimes it feels like running through a shallow pool; the weight of the air pushes against you, conforming to your body, coating every inch in sweat and condensation, and yet your feet force through the water barrier, and you find yourself on the other side, looking at yourself coming towards you: a ghost in moonlight.

After twenty minutes of starlit sweat, I begin my walk back home. I turn to pass by one of the oldest buildings on campus, buffered by hedges and bushes. My head down, breathing deep and slow, hearing my heartbeat beginning to slacken to normal speed, I do not see a movement to my right; I do not hear my name whispered.

But I do feel a hand lightly touch my arm, I look up, and find surprise in my throat before a kiss finds itself on my lips. My mouth is frozen; I want to kiss back. I know this person; a silently-kept crush I denied myself. And here, she was waiting for me, ready to make the first move, to kiss me, and to wordlessly tell me that it is okay.

The soft touch becomes more sure on my arm as I turned towards her, my hands to her shoulders, bringing her a little closer. My mp3 player still on my ears playing "My Shirt Looks Good On You." Its happy lyrics filter into a smile on both our lips as she hears the lyrics from being so close to me. The upbeat and carefree chorus, "love and happiness," repeating like a mantra.

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ok... yeah. hrm... I know some stuff sounds cliche and corny. hah

archive: 22 july 2005: notes from friends

Just got back from the laundry and I got a nice little email from a friend back in Jackson. She received the book I got her signed by David Sedaris. :) And she tells me that Suzanne's book is about to come out and that I am not to buy it because that's her gift to me when I come down in August. Aww. I didn't expect anything, but that's just cool. And I'll read it too. Its the biography of Eudora Welty, and its written by another person I consider a friend. :)

Happy news makes me smile. I am glad that she emailed me about it, that she was happy for it, and that she was even thinking about writing me two days before it arrived. It just makes me feel so.... good.

I think I will either go sew or read for a while.

archive: 12 july 2005: running in rain

I ran for about 15-20 minutes tonight. I got out to the Quad and stretched at some benches, and then it started to drizzle. It drizzled a little heavier, and I decided, "fuck it. I came out here to run, and I am going to run." So I did. I have felt the backs of my thighs burn on a couple of those stretches. It started to really hurt, and not just burn, so I stopped to breathe and relax a second. I ran about the same amount I ran Sunday night. The muscles over my shins hurt though. Very sore.

I should take a shower now that I ran and ran in the rain. heh.

archive: 10 july 2005: saturday night escapades

Just got back home. I had a good time. I, unfortunately, did not actually get cards printed, but I did do it home-style. I bought blank business cards, a set of stamps and ink pad, and a good pen. I wrote on each business card my name, website link, email, and phone number. I added five stamps to each card in a different color. They were pretty, and hand-made. If people look down their noses at my home-made business cards, then I do not want them buying my photos. :P

I finally left Barnes and Noble and went to Mia's. I had to park all the way on Martin Luther King intersection of High Street. Long walk, but goo for the soul and body. I went to Mia's, and was so bold (for once in my life) to ask if I could sit with these two couples. Judy and Charlotte, and Christy and Cheryl. One was in their late 40s, and the other in their late 30s, and I am sitting there, 28, almost 29. heh. But it was nice talking with them for a while. They were low key, and not clique-ish. Friendly. I tend to identify with people a little older than me anyway. After a while, two friends of Christy's came, Elaine and Jim. After the two couples left, I ended up talking with Jim and Elaine for a while. Really nice. Jim bought me my fourth Woodchucks, which I didn't drink all it either. Normally I only drink two, but I ended up drinking three and a half and smoking two cigs. Only smoke when I drink with other people who smoke. I guess thats ok. Otherwise, I don't feel the crave/urge. That's good.
I also ran into LeTonia. And Mandy and Emily were there too at one point. Even though they are closer to my age than the two couples I had met earlier, I am alienated from them for some reason. LeTonia is friendly enough, says hey and all that, but she doesn't make any waves to be any more friendly than that, even though she has my phone number and I specifically said that if there's ever anything going on in town, party or whatever, give me a call, cause I am looking for new friends and all that. She knows my story. But oh well. I am just a white chick from Mississippi. I don't belong in that clique.

I dunno. It kinda annoys me, but its out of my hands. It is something I cannot control and cannot change or influence. I refuse to beg for friendship... I mean, there's only so much I am willing to do to try to gain friends before I think I am humilating myself instead. And asking a complete stranger if the seat at her table of friends is taken and if I can join them is a pretty big step for me. I can't always bring myself to step out of my shell that much nor that often. I love people, but I often find disappointment in exclusionary actions.

Ok. Time for bed. Rambling shit going on and if I keep rambling I will get depressed. So sleep is better. I wonder what screwed up dream I will have now. Oh, while I was at B&N, I kept imagining Becky coming out of nowhere, like in my dream. It was weird. But five more photos, with labels, prices, and businesses cards at Barnes and Noble in Lexington, KY, now. Go see..

archive: 10 july 2005: money problems

This is going to be one craptastic month concerning money. I have about $550 in the bank already (for the rest of the month) and I have about $300 of bills to mail today. After that, I am not doing SHIT for the rest of the month. Good thing I can walk to work (don't have to use gas) and I can make my own damn iced mochas (don't have to get them at the coffeeshop). Only thing I will have to get sometimes for that is milk. Maybe I should cut that out some anyway... Caffeine is not the greatest thing either. Oh, the kicker will be laundry. Maybe I will beg Amanda to help me with that; let me doing mine for free in her dormitory. I hate money. I am not nearly as good with it as I ought to be. I guess we'll find out if I can budget this month on a tight *tight* string and manage to not have anything bounce.

This means I will not be going to Lexington for the rest of the month, cause it is too expensive. Gas. Drinks at Mia's or where-ever. I practically spent $100 yesterday getting the stuff for putting up the pics in Barnes and Noble... OH SHIT. I have to go back up there on the 16th, 23rd, and 31st. I have to switch out my pictures in Barnes and Noble's cafe. fuckfuckfuck. Damn GAS is insane. I really cannot do anything else whatsoever then. I'll have to make my own iced mocha and bring it with me to satisfy myself. If anyone in Lexington wants to meet me, it'll have to be on those days. And it'll have to be for doing free stuff. *sigh*

August will be the beginning of a whole new way of handling money. I will become better at it. I will.

archive: 10 july 2005: running

omg, I think I am going to die. Ran a LOT tonight. About twice as much as I have the last few times I have run around the BC Quad. I played Jem on my mp3 player. I am sore. I must drink water. Take a shower. Then maybe read, or watch a little TV and then go to bed. Oh, I HURT.
I won't be sore much Monday but Tuesday and Wednesday will be hell. Guess this means I HAVE to run Monday night. heh. I should run every night. Maybe every night right around 10-10:30. That should be good.
Except... There were 5 people walking around on the campus tonight. I passed this guy on my first run. He startled me at first. I made a noise, startled noise. There was a couple walking on the other side of the Quad. I almost passed another guy, but changed direction when I saw a cross-path. And there was a girl standing outside her dorm for a little while, probably smoking.
A few times I felt like my stomach was going to come up through my throat. My lungs felt like collapsing. I stopped, walked a little bit, stretched a lot, turned on a new song, and began running again with the beat to my set destination across the campus. I probably ran a total of a half mile, if that much, but maybe it was a little more.
I have no endurance for running. I have tons of endurance for things behind closed doors. But oh well. None of that going on! heh. I need to get my run on anyway. Much exercise more. Better for the heart.
Family Genetics: obsessive-compulsive, heart disease, high blood pressure, obesity.
I have mild OC; I am aware and in control of it instead of the other way around. I am young, so I don't have heart disease, but I must do something like exercise and good diet to prevent it. I have blood pressure on the low end of normal, so that is good. I am not obsese like some family members have been, but I also need to be aware and eat healthy. Eat only when I need to, not just for the munchies.

archive: 9 july 2005: massively long dream

I had a massively long dream last night, and when I woke up I couldn't remember it, but now I am remember snippets of it.

I know that I was in this huge bookstore, two-story, dark wood stain, very nice and up-scale. It was beautiful. And I was walking along. There were hundreds of people in this store, and of every kind too. There was this group of ghetto girls hanging out and I saw one person who didn't seem to really "fit" the rest of the ghetto girl look: Becky. And I saw her. She just kinda looked at me first, then looked away and was watching something the other girls were doing, some kind of dance thing maybe. I stayed where I was standing, a little ways down the aisle, next to a shelf of puzzles or games. Then she looked my way again and smiled. I really didn't know what to make of that smile. I took a step towards her and she continued her smile and gestured her hand, "come here." So I did. And we stood there watching the ghetto girls dance for a little while. Then we walked away, talked for a while. (I KNOW I heard words from her mouth in the dream, but I cannot remember them.) Then there was this section of the bookstore which seemed to focus on theatre, with costumes and theatrical pictures on the wall. I started looking up at the pictures and I found a couple which were titled and signed by me. They had white frames with white mattes and red block lettering for the title and my name. The pictures were of horses and the horsetrack. Then Becky comes out of nowhere again and she has bought me a game of some sort. I open it up and its got this gameboard of the world, but its distorted and the US is larger than everything else, kinda 3-D-like. There are cards and other stuff on the left side of the box. I thank her. I really don't know what to make of the game. At some point in walking around, I misplace the game and when we look for it we cannot find it.

Then we are in the parking lot of an apartment complex. Its not one I have ever been in and not the one she lives in now. There's a pond. And we go upstairs to her apartment. I don't remember much about it except for a couch facing a TV. I sit down on the couch, and so does she. She makes to lay down and gestures to me to lay beside her, cuddle. So we do. And its nice laying close to her. We don't do anything, not even kiss, just laying close.

Then she gets up to get something to drink. She comes back and instead of sitting next to me again, she sits on the floor in front of me. And she asks me "Do you want to get back together with me?" And I pause a long time, thinking, and her facial expression does not change. She looks like she is ready for any answer. And I say, "I don't think I am ready. I miss you, but I don't think it was right for us." She nods. I say, "Can I say something without you taking it the wrong way? Without you getting upset at me about it?" She says ok. I say, "I think you need some kind of help. Some kind of counseling." She nodded, said she knew that. She didn't seem angry at my saying that. She said she might do something. We talked a little longer about other things, and then I left. It felt as if there was some kind of closure.

I don't know why I had this big dream, but it was nice to finally have a dream where things ended fairly positively. I guess I will think about her and dream about her like this sometimes because she was my first relationship with a woman, same as I think about the first time I ever had sex with a guy, and the first serious and sexual relationship I had with a guy (though he was very wrong for me). People have an affect on my life and the way I perceive things. Its just a fact.

Anyway, I have a few household things to do, then I need to get going to Lexington. I will probably leave by 2 or 3. I gotta find a Kinko's up there for my cards.

archive: 5 july 2005: july 4th pissy post

I didn't think I would actually feel a little homesick today. I never really placed any significance on 4th of July before. I usually spent it with Mom, Dad, and family friends the Powells, Sineles, Hankins, etc. But since I moved to KY, I have not managed to have ANY friends who call me up and say, "Hey, wanna join us for this or that?" And the few people I have hung out with are students at the school... I don't feel anywhere near my age with them. And then when I am in a bar like Mia's, I still don't feel my age because... Its just shit. I am in this place where no one knows me, and there's no one even close to my age, and the people who are close to my age are in Lexington, and if they are gay too, they are also in a clique and its exclusive and I just don't get to fit into it. I know this. I have tried. It does NOT happen. And so I had no one to hang out with for 4th of July, and no one invited me. I had no one's BBQ to go to, no party, get-together. I am unwanted.

People are assholes.

And today... today I got pissed off because what I expected to be Red River Gorge wasn't worth it (or else I just missed it, and if thats true, I am just a idiot) and then I went to Lexington to find out there was a parade, but I missed it, and so I go to Mia's. And there was this cute girl there, at a table outside. So I finally get myself up, and I move to sit in the chair opposite her, but she is talking to some guy and then she gets up and leaves.. Never saw me. And this gay man in his fifties lights my cigarette and says "what is a straight girl like you doing here?" And I tell him, "well, maybe my vibe isn't that strong, but I do belong here." And I sit in silence the rest of time, cause he doesn't speak to me, and I get more and more pissed at his comment, and wonder if that is my problem.

Do I not look or act gay enough? what the fuck? I do not intend on changing anything about myself more than I have already because any more changes will not suit my personality. It will not be me. It just makes me mad that I DO NOT FIT.

Just hating everything right now. It feels like teen angst. I hate this feeling. I am more mature than this. I feel like picking up stuff and throwing it around. I do not like being told by anyone that I am not who or what I claim to be. That asshole does not know anything about me. But I hate how the whole thing made me feel afterwards... like maybe no one will ever make a pass at me anyway because they all think I am straight.

I am going to go crawl up in a ball now. Happy now?

archive: 3 july 2005: running bad girl

I very rarely actually run. I am having a difficult time getting any kind of exercise routine set up, be it yoga or biking or hiking. I hike nearly every other weekend, but its been about three weeks since the last time. I will go this Monday to Red River Gorge and hike around there. I have Yoga DVDs but I can't seem to even do that once a week, much less every day. I cannot get my ass out of bed that early in the morning, and doing it in the evening gets my sleep schedule crazy 'cause I get wound up with energy.

So what do I do after drinking two glasses of wine tonight? I throw on my running shoes and pants and run for about 30 minutes on the campus sidewalks at midnight. My blood feels like its on fire. I mean, it feels like fire is burning my veins.

I feel slightly drunker (of course, alcohol in my blood with adrenaline, sure thing I am drunker now) but I feel so much more... creative, though no grasp on what the fuck to do with it. That's not exactly good. Tomorrow I sew quilt squares. Or maybe I will paint. I need a non-tedious creative outlet right now. Sewing squares is insanely tedious.

I lack words. Its night, so pictures are shit when it comes to my skill. I photograph best in natural sunlight. Streetlights and carlights tend to not do well with my skill. And already I feel the blood slowing down.

I love love love Melissa Ferrick's "Bad Bad Girl." Its the guitar, how it has a deep sultry groove. It is seductive. It is meant to be seductive. And her voice, as she sings,

"You have given me
Fuel and I'm gunna burn
This bridge we built
I don't need it anymore
Cause I'm a wicked good swimmer
Watch me dive"

yeah... wow. Its makes me feel sexy.
Read the lyrics. Listen to Bad Bad Girl on Melissa's myspace.

And people are nonexistant. I miss them.

archive: 3 july 2005: poem - photograph love

Yeah, I don't want you
to look at me that way.
I don't want anyone to know
that I looked at you this way.
Burn the picture,
shred the evidence.
I don't want to exist
in your world after me.
I am haunted by your camera.
I imagine you laying there
photographing your new lover.
Smiles, soft looks of adoration,
shying away from the lens,
your hand steady, click,
a smile on your lips,
you captured me once again.
I don't want anyone to know
this proof that I was yours.
Burn it. Please.
Let no one see me love you
as I did in that picture.

Sometimes the things someone tells me haunts me, then reappears in poetry. So... I don't know if this is any good or not. I imagine I need to cut it down.

archive: 2 july 2005: to go out or not to go out

I should go out tonight. I have been working on downloading various articles, pictures, websites all day long (for this stupid idea of a fan site I cooked up) and now I am tired. I don't want to do anything, but if I don't do anything I am going to be so freaking depressed tonight and tomorrow that I won't go and hike on Monday or do anything enjoyable at all... or eat, or anything good.

Maybe I will go to Club Liquid. I should have gone to Mia's again last night to see MotherJane play. Its possible that girl Natalie could have been there. But my chance at that has passed and I was too shy and embarrassed at myself to make a real pass at her. I dunno. I am horrible at that sort of thing. I am so obvious it must be scary to someone else. heh. Or else maybe everyone else is too dense to understand. But I didn't go, and they are not playing tonight. Some guy named Eric Cummings is playing there tonight, and I have not heard of him.

I wish Letonia or Carole would ever call me, but I don't believe they ever will. That friendship is more of an acquaintance, in passing, and friendly when we run into each other, but I am not part of the "group." I hate that kind of crap. But I refuse to force myself into cliques if its not that easy. Anyway, I can hardly see any of those people but on the weekends, 'cause I live 40 minutes South of them all. Bleh. See... I am already getting depressed just thinking about it.

Last night I fell asleep realizing it is July. Its almost been a year since I moved here. Its been 3 months since Becky and I broke up, and I have had no dates whatsoever since then. I have tried talking with people online, meeting people online, but that seems to never work very well at all. So I really should try going out tonight. But its always alone, and if I am not lucky in running into someone I kinda know, or actually talking with someone, then I am really bored and lonely and feeling alienated. I cannot stand feeling that way, and it makes me want to drink more. And I can't because I gotta drive home. heh. It sucks.

Anyway... I think I am going to call my mom back, talk to her for a few minutes, and then take a shower, get something to eat, drink some coffee, and get on the road... maybe. I dunno. You tell me.

archive: 1 july 2005: damn dunce

I am such a damn dunce. I never asked about how many pictures can actually be on display in that Barnes and Noble cafe, and so I just figured there was space for 15, so I got 15 enlarged to 8x10 siz, and framed them. Come to find out, the hanging devices can only hang 5 at a time. So I picked out 5 pictures and I have them hanging in B&N in Lexington, KY. I did this in Jackson at B&N and Borders too with some artwork I made. Now I need to find out about better places to have this stuff. I think Tuesday I will go to Mia's and see what MaryBeth says about including some of my photos on the walls there. Probably just the up-close flowers, cause that'd have a bit more theme to go with the bar... maybe. I need to find other places, though. There's Common Grounds, both in Lexington and in Georgetown. I gotta get on their lists.

Amanda and I went to Mia's last night, and we talked about a shitload of stuff. I rambled, as usual. She talked about some family stuff, some sexuality stuff, and she asked me some questions about Becky. I ended up telling her the long list of my sexual escapades. Heh... the last time I had sex with a man was the worst ever. But its so hilarious to make fun of it 'cause he ("Frenchman") was talking the entire fucking time, saying something about slowing down and speeding up alternately. I think I was out of my head for about a month after Dad died because I did things that weren't entirely in my character. The only one I regret though is sleeping with the French guy. ugh. I told Amanda I could always say he turned me gay.

We talked a lot about that too. I still have personal issues with this labeling or identifying myself as either gay or bi. Too many people are calling themselves bi when they are actually just sleeping around with whoever and whatever. I know of one other person who I would consider bi... I define it as being able to have equally emotional and sexual attachment to both men and women. Unfortunately, some people think this means "at the same time." but I call that cheating, unless you consider yourself polyamorous and inform your primary and secondarys and whatever else about the situation. I know someone who is poly, so thats how I know about that, though that doesn't mean I agree with it. Anyway, of course I am rambling again.

So... I guess I could say I am a bisexual. But what does it mean when you've had emotional and sexual relations with men, and you've always had emotional attachments and crushes on women (but hadn't pursued them 'cause of shyness or other) but when you finally do have a relationship with a woman, you've decided that you pretty much don't ever want to be with a man again? Complicated, huh? Cause I could always meet someone that surprises me, male or female.

I think, at least for now, I just don't give a damn about this freaking "label" thing. I don't see myself pursuing a relationship with a man in the future, I am actively looking to date women, so... I consider myself a lesbian. And I've liked it. More than I ever liked it with a man. So... that's it.

I always have this need to explain myself. heh.