U2

"I wanna run, I want to hide. I wanna tear down the walls That hold me inside. I wanna reach out And touch the flame, Where the streets have no name."

There are numerous songs by U2 which move me completely from one emotion to another. I can only speculate that the first song I heard by U2 must have been "Where the Streets Have No Name." Maybe it while my sister played her The Joshua Tree cassette and I thought, "Wow, I really like that song!" Or was I watching MTV, saw the video for the song, U2 performing live and unscheduled on the roof of a liquor store in LA? It is entirely possible, because who wouldn't fall in love with a band who'd dare record a live show in a "bad" area of Los Angeles without LAPD approval? It was free music for the people. All their concerts were sold out, their popularity rising every second. During my freshman year of college I wrote a paper on the lyrics for "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." I analyzed one of my all-time favorite songs by my all-time favorite band. It is definitely a song about searching for the spiritual, something to really put one's faith into, to believe, to find oneself able to believe.

"I have spoke with the tongue of angels I have held the hand of a devil. It was warm in the night; I was cold as a stone. But I still haven't found What I'm looking for. But I still haven't found What I'm looking for."

And then this ideal world, this place where everyone is one, all together, joined and bonded, broken free of color.

"I believe in the Kingdom Come, Then all the colours will bleed into one, Bleed into one. But yes, I'm still running."

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, around 15 or 16 years old, I became obsessed with the lyrics of U2 songs. I had borrowed my sister's tapes and had bought one or two of my own by now, so I had The Joshua Tree, Boy, War, The Unforgettable Fire, and Rattle and Hum. I even had a single, Wide Awake in America. I transcribed the lyrics by hand, listening, then pausing the tape cassette. I played the songs over and over again, working hard to get the right words, to make sense of the lyrics and discover the secret of why I treasured these songs. In the process I learned every single song completely. For my ninth grade English class, I turned in a biography on the band's musical career to Coach Thompson. I even drew the Boy album cover and included that as the paper's cover. I finally found a way to see them in concert. I managed to snag a couple tickets for a Cleveland, Ohio, concert, but ended up selling one of the tickets when I didn't have anyone to go with me. So I rented a car, drove to Cleveland through December snow and found my hotel, a taxi service, and a ride to the concert. Many other hotel patrons were going to the concert, and I overheard after-parties, bars, clubs to go to afterwards. I found my seat, high on the left side of the stage, a complete view of the floor and performance, lights and action. The opening act was good, but I waited through it patiently. Then the lightshow began, Bono ran out on the stage, a half-oval diving into the ground floor audience. The first song was "City of Blinding Lights," a song I recently began to love. This was the setlist for the concert. Throughout the whole show, there were snippets of Beatles' songs, too. It was perfection. I was in Heaven. This day, December 10th, 2005, was marked down on my calendar forever.

archive: 19 July 2009: July

Well, lots have changed since my last little blog on here where I whined oh woe is me. I still feel a little bit that way, but aren't we humans always pining for more, even when we have lots to be happy for?

So since March I've gained a housemate, I've built a raised garden in the backyard, I've gone to drumming circle, and I've taken tons of pictures of musicians in the area. I've pretty much become a regular/familiar face at Red Cup, I'm meeting a few people here and there, MeetUp.com meets, book club, get-togethers.

I think that in the back of my head I will still feel "this isn't like what I knew in Berea." Of course! I think the biggest difference is simply that I MISS the people I was involved with in Berea. There's no way to make those same kinds of circles here and instantly feel as if I have found my niche, because that takes plenty of time and plenty of folks deciding they want to get to know me, sit and spend time sharing about themselves with me. It took a couple of years in Berea, so why do I think it can happen instantaneously in OKC? Silly me. :P

But I am meeting people and liking the folks I am meeting. The music, the poetry, the coffee, the small intimate-type bars, the blues bar, the late night walks around my neighborhood - Speaking of walks, last night I kinda wanted to take off on one after leaving Midtown Deli... It was such a beautiful night after listening to good music, a good chat with a new friend... But I just went on home. I could've walked all down 10th Street and back. Those walks make me feel at home. Maybe one tonight.

My book of poems, Rise When the Rooster Crows, is pretty much done. I've got the titles straightened out. I wonder if Vicky or Michael is going to send any comments back about the final revision I sent them. Vicky said she was taking it with her to Sewanee and that she'll send me something after she gets back. Michael - as much as I value his opinion on my writing, he probably has said all he wants to say about this book already. Besides, he's got Portland stuff to deal with right now.

It is Sunday and I should find something to do.

archive: 20 March 2009: thinking about writing and okc life

I haven't been on here in a few months. Work, work, work. It should be "write, write, write." There's been a little bit of the writing, and some editing, but not as regular as I should be. The poems are coming along though, even if I am backing off from them in order to drag it out, make it last longer so I won't be left with a finished book and no idea what to write next.

Michael keeps reminding me I will know, it will come to me. I know I am having the same fear he was having back in October. He's begun his second book and its going to be a grander scale, but with his theme he can do that. The first book basically begs for the persona to continue. Life is growth.

Speaking of growth, I should be doing more. Out more. But I look at my bank account and say, you can't do anything because you'll spend too much and then you're going to be screwed. I wish a Mary Poppins of Finances existed. *snap snap* Your debt problems are gone.

And I have some fabric art ideas, but I can't seem to bring myself to stay in the artroom and MAKE something. Instead, I watch Buffy or Angel episodes over again, and I sometimes work on a bit of writing, but the writing work isn't with the fervor I should have.

Something's got to give. My evenings are dull. Sometimes I make it down to Red Cup and enjoy the music on Friday evenings, some coffee, work on writing new drafts or editing all day on a Saturday old drafts... But it's not like when in Berea when someone walks in and I recognize them and either we chat a moment or I end up overhearing part of the chatter with the barista, etc., etc. I still don't know people here outside of work.

Ok. Back to work. Hmph.

archive: 01 January 2009: end of the year sum

Where​ did you begin​ 2008?​
At Glen's house with a bunch of friends, listening to folks jam, enjoying good food, good wine, good friendships. At midnight I remember sitting on the wooden steps between the kitchen and the back room where the wood stove is listening to Carol play something on the guitar as people came in to listen, too.

What was your statu​s by Valen​tines​ Day?
single; spending time with a good friend

Were you in schoo​l anyti​me this year?​
no

Did you have to go to the hospi​tal?​
no

Did you have any encou​nters​ with the polic​e?​
I was slow getting my tags renewed and got a ticket for that. Had to go to court and apologize and get them immediately.

Where​ did you go on vacat​ion?​
I don't really vacation. I did go to the Appalachian String Band Festival for the whole week in August, and I went to Clear Creek Festival for the whole weekend. Those were great times.

What did you purch​ase that was over 100?
banjo, rental car a few times, plane tickets (reimbursed)

Did you know anybo​dy who got marri​ed?​
yes, but I can't recall all of them right now. So many did, though.

Did you know anybo​dy who passe​d away?​
no

Did you move anywh​ere?​
I moved in October from Kentucky to Oklahoma; I also moved from my apartment in June to a friend's guest room for two months in town, and then moved again at the end of August to another friend's guest room for a month in the country before moving to OKC.

What conce​rts/​ shows​ did you go to?
No large circuit concerts. I heard Clack Mountain String Band, Mitch Barrett, MudPi, Red State Ramblers, Erynn Marshall, Blind Corn Liquor Pickers, etc.

Descr​ibe your birth​day
My 32nd birthday... I had just moved into Vicky and Clarence's place. I don't think much happened. Probably went for a walk.

What is the one thing​ you thoug​ht you would​ not do, but did, in 2008?​
hmph!

What have been your favor​ite momen​ts?​
rallying with KFTC at the Frankfort courthouse on Valentine's Day, going with a friend to Al's Bar later that evening to hear Blind Corn Liquor Pickers and others, all writing group sesssions, long walks, all MudPi/Like How?/Sundogs gatherings and jams, the "goodbye apartment" dinner at my place in June, staying up all night Friday night at Clifftop in August, great music and gathering at Clear Creek Festival on Saturday night, when it dawned on me that I have a collection idea for a series of poems, seeing a deer in a field on August 13 during a meteor shower and listening to Leonard Cohen, long talks, whiskey evenings, the early-July drive through Western KY to see a friend and to see family in Memphis.

Any new addit​ions to your famil​y?​
One cousin married, another cousin announced she's pregnant.

What was your best month​ ?
hmm... maybe either February, March, or April. August and September were good, too. I can't pick one.

Who has been your best drink​ing buddy​ ?
Phoebe at times, Michael at others

Made new frien​ds?​
strengthened friendships and made a few new ones

Favor​ite night​ out?
February 14th (KFTC Rally and Al's Bar music), and that all-night music evening at Clifftop, and one bourbon night in May

Other​ than home,​ where​ did you spend​ most of your time?​
Berea Coffee & Tea

Be hones​t - did you watch​ Ameri​can Idol?​
no

Chang​e your hairs​tyle?​
trimmed and cut it a few times, dyed it a few times trying to get it back to its natural color

Have any car accid​ents?​
no

How old did you turn this year?​
32

Do you have a New Year's​ resol​ution​ ?
still thinking about them

Do anyth​ing embar​rassi​ng?​
certainly

Buy anyth​ing new from eBay?​
no

get marri​ed or divor​ced?​
no

Get arres​ted?​
no

Been snowb​oardi​ng?​
no.

Did you get sick this year?​
a couple times with a bad head cold or sinus allergy reaction. Nothing serious.

Are you happy​ to see 2008 go?
there were mostly good times, so I am sad to see it go but hope 2009 doesn't hold back

Been naugh​ty or nice?​
ha! yes, a little bit of both

--- stole this one from Beth B. ---

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
stay up all night at Clifftop; move from KY to OK; make masks based on poetic personas; drink bourbon; drive a U-Haul truck with my car in tow on a trailer across KY, TN, AR, and OK

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I had stuff I wanted to work on, but I didn't call them resolutions, and I don't remember what they were

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Family friends in MS did

Did anyone close to you die?
no

What countries did you visit?
none

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Better self-discipline, more money, less procrastination, stronger self-determination

What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Mostly times that aren't huge moments to others but have a sense of deepness to me, mostly spending time with friends, particular feelings and moments like sitting on the wood steps between Glen's kitchen and the wood stove room on 2007's New Year's Eve, talking and listening to a friend give suggestions on a collection of my poems, standing with Teri at the rally in Frankfort shouting and chanting, seeing the deer in the field on a meteor shower night in August.... Moments of emotion.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
landing a job, working longer and more seriously on my poetry (though I still need to work more on it)

What was your biggest failure?
hmm... I don't know.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
no

What was the best thing you bought?
entrance fee to the Appalachian String Band Festival, banjo lessons

Whose behavior merited celebration?
my fellow writerly friends, Phoebe, MudPi, SunDogs...

Where did most of your money go?
coffee

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Appalachian String Band Festival, and most gatherings at Glen's

What song will always remind you of 2008?
Its impossible for me to pinpoint one song as they all are so tied emotionally to different moments and experiences.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? richer or poorer?
Sadder, but looking forward to some changes

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Taking time for myself, being productive, READING, writing more, working out, planning and following through

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinating, spending money

How will you be spending Christmas?
Done. Spent Christmas at my sister's in Memphis with mom, Beth, Gregg, and Ryalnd

Did you fall in love in 2008?
.....

How many one-night stands?
none

What was your favorite TV program?
I don't own a TV, but sometimes I caught House at Vicky and Clarence's and a few other random shows at Mary and Char's.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

What was the best book you read?
I read a few, but I remember most Lady Chatterley's Lover. I need to read more.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Because of the recommendations of friends: The Wood Brothers, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits, Clack Mountain String Band, Ryan Adams, Mike Chappelear, Swell Season...

What did you want and get?
stronger friendships

What did you want and not get?
....

What was your favorite movie of this year?
I have no idea. Movies mesh into time

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 32. Spent it with friends, I think.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know. It was pretty satisfying with good friends, support, good times, good music.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Casual, whatever.

What kept you sane?
Friends, long walks

Which celebrity/public figures did you fancy the most?
eh.

What political issue stirred you the most?
the election was a big deal all year but I didn't focus on it until October; Mountaintop Removal

Who did you miss?
Family, friends who graduated and moved away, all the Berea folks when I moved away in October

Who was the best new person you met?
There's no ONE person I think, but actually getting to know and see more of the friends I already had.

Any regrets?
No. I said what I needed to say and did what I felt I could do. All is good.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
good energy equals good times.

archive: 20 September 2008: I got the job!

News today!
I got the job at the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I got the call this afternoon when I was on the other line, so he had to leave a voicemail first. I listened to it and immediately called him back. So Monday I will call him and figure out a starting date, which I am thinking should be the 6th or the 13th of October. I'll need to move out there the week before, get settled into a place, and then get started working! Amazing concept. :)

I am so excited and sad at the same time. I want adventure and change and I need work, but I have not wanted to leave Kentucky, much less Berea. But I will keep this thought that I will come back to stay one day, and I will.

Now, the planning and figuring out how to move out there. I think I will do that tomorrow and Sunday. I want to go back to the house, get the right threads for the journal book cover, and go to the bell hooks and Bill Turner reading tonight. Also go to MudPi's band practice, maybe. I've got to go to Pat's for Will's 1st birthday tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully there's something going on Saturday night with the music folks.

Wow, what a day. What a roller-coaster day.

archive: 30 August 2008: News

So the news... I decided not to wait until the first of September to email VA Tech to find out about the archivist positions I applied and interviewed for back in June. I had already from them in early August and at that time they said they were still deliberating over the last two positions and had hired one person for the third position. I would either hear something from them by phone (job offer) or by letter (rejection) soon. Well, "soon" stretched into three weeks and I decided I was impatient and tired of being strung along.

Today I emailed them and they emailed me back nearly immediately to let me know that VA Tech has "voided" the two positions. They'll review the two positions again in January. I can only assume that the university wasn't going to find them at this time, or some other budgetary matter came up. I am supposed to be getting a letter any day now, she said. SO... VA Tech is ruled out.

I have one possibility working for me right now and that is the interview at the Cowboy Museum in Oklahoma City, OK, on September 15th.

Just an update. Bummed, yes, 'cause Blacksburg, VA, really appealed to me. But I am trying my damnedest to believe that whatever that happens will be the right one for me right now... I don't want to leave the mountains yet. But I'm open to whatever the world gives me... with a little patience and hope.

.........

I had the strangest but most comforting dream last night, if it could be called a dream at all. It was more like a sensation as I fell asleep and I was surprised to wake up with it again this morning. Its unexplainable, really. It was nice, sincerely felt to the core without me knowing the source, whether from within myself or from some other undefinable source.

archive: 29 August 2008: Love

I want to love you but...

...the highway disappears into the sunset every night and I cannot find my way, so I turn back and follow my footsteps home in the dark until sunrise, and begin again.

...the trees in the horizon are black and confuse me when they sway under the wind I cannot feel here as I stand at the window waiting.

...when I look up at the stars, the constellations have moved and I believe that star on which I sent a wish up for you has vanished from the sky.

...these songs that lyrically remind me of you also remind me of conversations, long walks, button-down plaid shirts, black leather, and train whistles.

...Yeats and Eliot have spoken to you and sent you on escapades of experience.

...the hurricane within you have spiraled you to another place, while I am a volcano awaiting my peak to erupt, shake the earth, and force the landscape to die and be reborn.

...I already told you in words I could muster one evening, and it seemed to hang in the air like humidity in Mississippi Summer, until I rambled on I knew that you felt I was just a friend. A close friend, you said.

...my wings have been clipped by the world, left to flutter in a cage until this song has been sung to my keeper's contentment.

...I've loved you all along.