I haven't been on here in a few months. Work, work, work. It should be "write, write, write." There's been a little bit of the writing, and some editing, but not as regular as I should be. The poems are coming along though, even if I am backing off from them in order to drag it out, make it last longer so I won't be left with a finished book and no idea what to write next.
Michael keeps reminding me I will know, it will come to me. I know I am having the same fear he was having back in October. He's begun his second book and its going to be a grander scale, but with his theme he can do that. The first book basically begs for the persona to continue. Life is growth.
Speaking of growth, I should be doing more. Out more. But I look at my bank account and say, you can't do anything because you'll spend too much and then you're going to be screwed. I wish a Mary Poppins of Finances existed. *snap snap* Your debt problems are gone.
And I have some fabric art ideas, but I can't seem to bring myself to stay in the artroom and MAKE something. Instead, I watch Buffy or Angel episodes over again, and I sometimes work on a bit of writing, but the writing work isn't with the fervor I should have.
Something's got to give. My evenings are dull. Sometimes I make it down to Red Cup and enjoy the music on Friday evenings, some coffee, work on writing new drafts or editing all day on a Saturday old drafts... But it's not like when in Berea when someone walks in and I recognize them and either we chat a moment or I end up overhearing part of the chatter with the barista, etc., etc. I still don't know people here outside of work.
Ok. Back to work. Hmph.
Showing posts with label myspace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label myspace. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
archive: 01 January 2009: end of the year sum
Where did you begin 2008?
At Glen's house with a bunch of friends, listening to folks jam, enjoying good food, good wine, good friendships. At midnight I remember sitting on the wooden steps between the kitchen and the back room where the wood stove is listening to Carol play something on the guitar as people came in to listen, too.
What was your status by Valentines Day?
single; spending time with a good friend
Were you in school anytime this year?
no
Did you have to go to the hospital?
no
Did you have any encounters with the police?
I was slow getting my tags renewed and got a ticket for that. Had to go to court and apologize and get them immediately.
Where did you go on vacation?
I don't really vacation. I did go to the Appalachian String Band Festival for the whole week in August, and I went to Clear Creek Festival for the whole weekend. Those were great times.
What did you purchase that was over 100?
banjo, rental car a few times, plane tickets (reimbursed)
Did you know anybody who got married?
yes, but I can't recall all of them right now. So many did, though.
Did you know anybody who passed away?
no
Did you move anywhere?
I moved in October from Kentucky to Oklahoma; I also moved from my apartment in June to a friend's guest room for two months in town, and then moved again at the end of August to another friend's guest room for a month in the country before moving to OKC.
What concerts/ shows did you go to?
No large circuit concerts. I heard Clack Mountain String Band, Mitch Barrett, MudPi, Red State Ramblers, Erynn Marshall, Blind Corn Liquor Pickers, etc.
Describe your birthday
My 32nd birthday... I had just moved into Vicky and Clarence's place. I don't think much happened. Probably went for a walk.
What is the one thing you thought you would not do, but did, in 2008?
hmph!
What have been your favorite moments?
rallying with KFTC at the Frankfort courthouse on Valentine's Day, going with a friend to Al's Bar later that evening to hear Blind Corn Liquor Pickers and others, all writing group sesssions, long walks, all MudPi/Like How?/Sundogs gatherings and jams, the "goodbye apartment" dinner at my place in June, staying up all night Friday night at Clifftop in August, great music and gathering at Clear Creek Festival on Saturday night, when it dawned on me that I have a collection idea for a series of poems, seeing a deer in a field on August 13 during a meteor shower and listening to Leonard Cohen, long talks, whiskey evenings, the early-July drive through Western KY to see a friend and to see family in Memphis.
Any new additions to your family?
One cousin married, another cousin announced she's pregnant.
What was your best month ?
hmm... maybe either February, March, or April. August and September were good, too. I can't pick one.
Who has been your best drinking buddy ?
Phoebe at times, Michael at others
Made new friends?
strengthened friendships and made a few new ones
Favorite night out?
February 14th (KFTC Rally and Al's Bar music), and that all-night music evening at Clifftop, and one bourbon night in May
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Berea Coffee & Tea
Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
no
Change your hairstyle?
trimmed and cut it a few times, dyed it a few times trying to get it back to its natural color
Have any car accidents?
no
How old did you turn this year?
32
Do you have a New Year's resolution ?
still thinking about them
Do anything embarrassing?
certainly
Buy anything new from eBay?
no
get married or divorced?
no
Get arrested?
no
Been snowboarding?
no.
Did you get sick this year?
a couple times with a bad head cold or sinus allergy reaction. Nothing serious.
Are you happy to see 2008 go?
there were mostly good times, so I am sad to see it go but hope 2009 doesn't hold back
Been naughty or nice?
ha! yes, a little bit of both
--- stole this one from Beth B. ---
What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
stay up all night at Clifftop; move from KY to OK; make masks based on poetic personas; drink bourbon; drive a U-Haul truck with my car in tow on a trailer across KY, TN, AR, and OK
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I had stuff I wanted to work on, but I didn't call them resolutions, and I don't remember what they were
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Family friends in MS did
Did anyone close to you die?
no
What countries did you visit?
none
What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Better self-discipline, more money, less procrastination, stronger self-determination
What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Mostly times that aren't huge moments to others but have a sense of deepness to me, mostly spending time with friends, particular feelings and moments like sitting on the wood steps between Glen's kitchen and the wood stove room on 2007's New Year's Eve, talking and listening to a friend give suggestions on a collection of my poems, standing with Teri at the rally in Frankfort shouting and chanting, seeing the deer in the field on a meteor shower night in August.... Moments of emotion.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
landing a job, working longer and more seriously on my poetry (though I still need to work more on it)
What was your biggest failure?
hmm... I don't know.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
no
What was the best thing you bought?
entrance fee to the Appalachian String Band Festival, banjo lessons
Whose behavior merited celebration?
my fellow writerly friends, Phoebe, MudPi, SunDogs...
Where did most of your money go?
coffee
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Appalachian String Band Festival, and most gatherings at Glen's
What song will always remind you of 2008?
Its impossible for me to pinpoint one song as they all are so tied emotionally to different moments and experiences.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? richer or poorer?
Sadder, but looking forward to some changes
What do you wish you'd done more of?
Taking time for myself, being productive, READING, writing more, working out, planning and following through
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinating, spending money
How will you be spending Christmas?
Done. Spent Christmas at my sister's in Memphis with mom, Beth, Gregg, and Ryalnd
Did you fall in love in 2008?
.....
How many one-night stands?
none
What was your favorite TV program?
I don't own a TV, but sometimes I caught House at Vicky and Clarence's and a few other random shows at Mary and Char's.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
What was the best book you read?
I read a few, but I remember most Lady Chatterley's Lover. I need to read more.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
Because of the recommendations of friends: The Wood Brothers, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits, Clack Mountain String Band, Ryan Adams, Mike Chappelear, Swell Season...
What did you want and get?
stronger friendships
What did you want and not get?
....
What was your favorite movie of this year?
I have no idea. Movies mesh into time
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 32. Spent it with friends, I think.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know. It was pretty satisfying with good friends, support, good times, good music.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Casual, whatever.
What kept you sane?
Friends, long walks
Which celebrity/public figures did you fancy the most?
eh.
What political issue stirred you the most?
the election was a big deal all year but I didn't focus on it until October; Mountaintop Removal
Who did you miss?
Family, friends who graduated and moved away, all the Berea folks when I moved away in October
Who was the best new person you met?
There's no ONE person I think, but actually getting to know and see more of the friends I already had.
Any regrets?
No. I said what I needed to say and did what I felt I could do. All is good.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
good energy equals good times.
At Glen's house with a bunch of friends, listening to folks jam, enjoying good food, good wine, good friendships. At midnight I remember sitting on the wooden steps between the kitchen and the back room where the wood stove is listening to Carol play something on the guitar as people came in to listen, too.
What was your status by Valentines Day?
single; spending time with a good friend
Were you in school anytime this year?
no
Did you have to go to the hospital?
no
Did you have any encounters with the police?
I was slow getting my tags renewed and got a ticket for that. Had to go to court and apologize and get them immediately.
Where did you go on vacation?
I don't really vacation. I did go to the Appalachian String Band Festival for the whole week in August, and I went to Clear Creek Festival for the whole weekend. Those were great times.
What did you purchase that was over 100?
banjo, rental car a few times, plane tickets (reimbursed)
Did you know anybody who got married?
yes, but I can't recall all of them right now. So many did, though.
Did you know anybody who passed away?
no
Did you move anywhere?
I moved in October from Kentucky to Oklahoma; I also moved from my apartment in June to a friend's guest room for two months in town, and then moved again at the end of August to another friend's guest room for a month in the country before moving to OKC.
What concerts/ shows did you go to?
No large circuit concerts. I heard Clack Mountain String Band, Mitch Barrett, MudPi, Red State Ramblers, Erynn Marshall, Blind Corn Liquor Pickers, etc.
Describe your birthday
My 32nd birthday... I had just moved into Vicky and Clarence's place. I don't think much happened. Probably went for a walk.
What is the one thing you thought you would not do, but did, in 2008?
hmph!
What have been your favorite moments?
rallying with KFTC at the Frankfort courthouse on Valentine's Day, going with a friend to Al's Bar later that evening to hear Blind Corn Liquor Pickers and others, all writing group sesssions, long walks, all MudPi/Like How?/Sundogs gatherings and jams, the "goodbye apartment" dinner at my place in June, staying up all night Friday night at Clifftop in August, great music and gathering at Clear Creek Festival on Saturday night, when it dawned on me that I have a collection idea for a series of poems, seeing a deer in a field on August 13 during a meteor shower and listening to Leonard Cohen, long talks, whiskey evenings, the early-July drive through Western KY to see a friend and to see family in Memphis.
Any new additions to your family?
One cousin married, another cousin announced she's pregnant.
What was your best month ?
hmm... maybe either February, March, or April. August and September were good, too. I can't pick one.
Who has been your best drinking buddy ?
Phoebe at times, Michael at others
Made new friends?
strengthened friendships and made a few new ones
Favorite night out?
February 14th (KFTC Rally and Al's Bar music), and that all-night music evening at Clifftop, and one bourbon night in May
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Berea Coffee & Tea
Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
no
Change your hairstyle?
trimmed and cut it a few times, dyed it a few times trying to get it back to its natural color
Have any car accidents?
no
How old did you turn this year?
32
Do you have a New Year's resolution ?
still thinking about them
Do anything embarrassing?
certainly
Buy anything new from eBay?
no
get married or divorced?
no
Get arrested?
no
Been snowboarding?
no.
Did you get sick this year?
a couple times with a bad head cold or sinus allergy reaction. Nothing serious.
Are you happy to see 2008 go?
there were mostly good times, so I am sad to see it go but hope 2009 doesn't hold back
Been naughty or nice?
ha! yes, a little bit of both
--- stole this one from Beth B. ---
What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
stay up all night at Clifftop; move from KY to OK; make masks based on poetic personas; drink bourbon; drive a U-Haul truck with my car in tow on a trailer across KY, TN, AR, and OK
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I had stuff I wanted to work on, but I didn't call them resolutions, and I don't remember what they were
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Family friends in MS did
Did anyone close to you die?
no
What countries did you visit?
none
What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Better self-discipline, more money, less procrastination, stronger self-determination
What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Mostly times that aren't huge moments to others but have a sense of deepness to me, mostly spending time with friends, particular feelings and moments like sitting on the wood steps between Glen's kitchen and the wood stove room on 2007's New Year's Eve, talking and listening to a friend give suggestions on a collection of my poems, standing with Teri at the rally in Frankfort shouting and chanting, seeing the deer in the field on a meteor shower night in August.... Moments of emotion.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
landing a job, working longer and more seriously on my poetry (though I still need to work more on it)
What was your biggest failure?
hmm... I don't know.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
no
What was the best thing you bought?
entrance fee to the Appalachian String Band Festival, banjo lessons
Whose behavior merited celebration?
my fellow writerly friends, Phoebe, MudPi, SunDogs...
Where did most of your money go?
coffee
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Appalachian String Band Festival, and most gatherings at Glen's
What song will always remind you of 2008?
Its impossible for me to pinpoint one song as they all are so tied emotionally to different moments and experiences.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? richer or poorer?
Sadder, but looking forward to some changes
What do you wish you'd done more of?
Taking time for myself, being productive, READING, writing more, working out, planning and following through
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinating, spending money
How will you be spending Christmas?
Done. Spent Christmas at my sister's in Memphis with mom, Beth, Gregg, and Ryalnd
Did you fall in love in 2008?
.....
How many one-night stands?
none
What was your favorite TV program?
I don't own a TV, but sometimes I caught House at Vicky and Clarence's and a few other random shows at Mary and Char's.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
What was the best book you read?
I read a few, but I remember most Lady Chatterley's Lover. I need to read more.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
Because of the recommendations of friends: The Wood Brothers, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits, Clack Mountain String Band, Ryan Adams, Mike Chappelear, Swell Season...
What did you want and get?
stronger friendships
What did you want and not get?
....
What was your favorite movie of this year?
I have no idea. Movies mesh into time
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 32. Spent it with friends, I think.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know. It was pretty satisfying with good friends, support, good times, good music.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Casual, whatever.
What kept you sane?
Friends, long walks
Which celebrity/public figures did you fancy the most?
eh.
What political issue stirred you the most?
the election was a big deal all year but I didn't focus on it until October; Mountaintop Removal
Who did you miss?
Family, friends who graduated and moved away, all the Berea folks when I moved away in October
Who was the best new person you met?
There's no ONE person I think, but actually getting to know and see more of the friends I already had.
Any regrets?
No. I said what I needed to say and did what I felt I could do. All is good.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
good energy equals good times.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
archive: 20 September 2008: I got the job!
News today!
I got the job at the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I got the call this afternoon when I was on the other line, so he had to leave a voicemail first. I listened to it and immediately called him back. So Monday I will call him and figure out a starting date, which I am thinking should be the 6th or the 13th of October. I'll need to move out there the week before, get settled into a place, and then get started working! Amazing concept. :)
I am so excited and sad at the same time. I want adventure and change and I need work, but I have not wanted to leave Kentucky, much less Berea. But I will keep this thought that I will come back to stay one day, and I will.
Now, the planning and figuring out how to move out there. I think I will do that tomorrow and Sunday. I want to go back to the house, get the right threads for the journal book cover, and go to the bell hooks and Bill Turner reading tonight. Also go to MudPi's band practice, maybe. I've got to go to Pat's for Will's 1st birthday tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully there's something going on Saturday night with the music folks.
Wow, what a day. What a roller-coaster day.
I got the job at the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City. I got the call this afternoon when I was on the other line, so he had to leave a voicemail first. I listened to it and immediately called him back. So Monday I will call him and figure out a starting date, which I am thinking should be the 6th or the 13th of October. I'll need to move out there the week before, get settled into a place, and then get started working! Amazing concept. :)
I am so excited and sad at the same time. I want adventure and change and I need work, but I have not wanted to leave Kentucky, much less Berea. But I will keep this thought that I will come back to stay one day, and I will.
Now, the planning and figuring out how to move out there. I think I will do that tomorrow and Sunday. I want to go back to the house, get the right threads for the journal book cover, and go to the bell hooks and Bill Turner reading tonight. Also go to MudPi's band practice, maybe. I've got to go to Pat's for Will's 1st birthday tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully there's something going on Saturday night with the music folks.
Wow, what a day. What a roller-coaster day.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
archive: 30 August 2008: News
So the news... I decided not to wait until the first of September to email VA Tech to find out about the archivist positions I applied and interviewed for back in June. I had already from them in early August and at that time they said they were still deliberating over the last two positions and had hired one person for the third position. I would either hear something from them by phone (job offer) or by letter (rejection) soon. Well, "soon" stretched into three weeks and I decided I was impatient and tired of being strung along.
Today I emailed them and they emailed me back nearly immediately to let me know that VA Tech has "voided" the two positions. They'll review the two positions again in January. I can only assume that the university wasn't going to find them at this time, or some other budgetary matter came up. I am supposed to be getting a letter any day now, she said. SO... VA Tech is ruled out.
I have one possibility working for me right now and that is the interview at the Cowboy Museum in Oklahoma City, OK, on September 15th.
Just an update. Bummed, yes, 'cause Blacksburg, VA, really appealed to me. But I am trying my damnedest to believe that whatever that happens will be the right one for me right now... I don't want to leave the mountains yet. But I'm open to whatever the world gives me... with a little patience and hope.
.........
I had the strangest but most comforting dream last night, if it could be called a dream at all. It was more like a sensation as I fell asleep and I was surprised to wake up with it again this morning. Its unexplainable, really. It was nice, sincerely felt to the core without me knowing the source, whether from within myself or from some other undefinable source.
Today I emailed them and they emailed me back nearly immediately to let me know that VA Tech has "voided" the two positions. They'll review the two positions again in January. I can only assume that the university wasn't going to find them at this time, or some other budgetary matter came up. I am supposed to be getting a letter any day now, she said. SO... VA Tech is ruled out.
I have one possibility working for me right now and that is the interview at the Cowboy Museum in Oklahoma City, OK, on September 15th.
Just an update. Bummed, yes, 'cause Blacksburg, VA, really appealed to me. But I am trying my damnedest to believe that whatever that happens will be the right one for me right now... I don't want to leave the mountains yet. But I'm open to whatever the world gives me... with a little patience and hope.
.........
I had the strangest but most comforting dream last night, if it could be called a dream at all. It was more like a sensation as I fell asleep and I was surprised to wake up with it again this morning. Its unexplainable, really. It was nice, sincerely felt to the core without me knowing the source, whether from within myself or from some other undefinable source.
Friday, August 29, 2008
archive: 29 August 2008: Love
I want to love you but...
...the highway disappears into the sunset every night and I cannot find my way, so I turn back and follow my footsteps home in the dark until sunrise, and begin again.
...the trees in the horizon are black and confuse me when they sway under the wind I cannot feel here as I stand at the window waiting.
...when I look up at the stars, the constellations have moved and I believe that star on which I sent a wish up for you has vanished from the sky.
...these songs that lyrically remind me of you also remind me of conversations, long walks, button-down plaid shirts, black leather, and train whistles.
...Yeats and Eliot have spoken to you and sent you on escapades of experience.
...the hurricane within you have spiraled you to another place, while I am a volcano awaiting my peak to erupt, shake the earth, and force the landscape to die and be reborn.
...I already told you in words I could muster one evening, and it seemed to hang in the air like humidity in Mississippi Summer, until I rambled on I knew that you felt I was just a friend. A close friend, you said.
...my wings have been clipped by the world, left to flutter in a cage until this song has been sung to my keeper's contentment.
...I've loved you all along.
...the highway disappears into the sunset every night and I cannot find my way, so I turn back and follow my footsteps home in the dark until sunrise, and begin again.
...the trees in the horizon are black and confuse me when they sway under the wind I cannot feel here as I stand at the window waiting.
...when I look up at the stars, the constellations have moved and I believe that star on which I sent a wish up for you has vanished from the sky.
...these songs that lyrically remind me of you also remind me of conversations, long walks, button-down plaid shirts, black leather, and train whistles.
...Yeats and Eliot have spoken to you and sent you on escapades of experience.
...the hurricane within you have spiraled you to another place, while I am a volcano awaiting my peak to erupt, shake the earth, and force the landscape to die and be reborn.
...I already told you in words I could muster one evening, and it seemed to hang in the air like humidity in Mississippi Summer, until I rambled on I knew that you felt I was just a friend. A close friend, you said.
...my wings have been clipped by the world, left to flutter in a cage until this song has been sung to my keeper's contentment.
...I've loved you all along.
Monday, August 25, 2008
archive: 25 August 2008: A True Story
A man walks up to two young women sitting outside a coffee shop. One has a laptop in her lap searching for an author's quote. The old man with a cane walks up to the young women and says, "You ain't watching porno, are ya?"
They laugh and the one with the laptop responds, "Nah, of course not!"
And as he continued to walk pass, he replied matter-of-factly, "Well, ya ought to be."
And the women laugh heartily.
---------------------
This is a true story. August 25, 2008
As Mitch Barrett says, "I ain't lyin. I'm tellin' you a story."
They laugh and the one with the laptop responds, "Nah, of course not!"
And as he continued to walk pass, he replied matter-of-factly, "Well, ya ought to be."
And the women laugh heartily.
---------------------
This is a true story. August 25, 2008
As Mitch Barrett says, "I ain't lyin. I'm tellin' you a story."
Thursday, August 21, 2008
archive: 21 August 2008: when harry met sally
I just watched When Harry Met Sally... again. Its probably the only film I actually like Billy Crystal in, and I adore Meg Ryan's kooky character. In some ways I identify with her character Sally. I think that Sally's either a Virgo or Capricorn (maybe Taurus) and that Harry is definitely a Cancer or Scorpio. Very much earth and water.
Anyway... Just watching that again makes me a bit curious. How are things going to pan out? Will this continue on forever and forever simply as friends? Long-time writing friends, friends who call each other up occasionally to ramble on about this new writing project or work plans or... I don't know. We never had the obvious sexual tension that Harry and Sally have, but... there was definitely some tension floating between us. I wonder if I will ever know.
And will the people I will feel drawn to emotionally and become involved with... Will they end up being people who are distractions for a while until the time is right? Until things can be understood, realized, expressed?
I did just read that the original script did have Harry and Sally becoming just friends after everything afterall. But they changed that for the film's optimistic "happily ever after" effect and romantic comedy high sales benefit. Ah well.
Humans are interesting creatures. I have said it before, and I can say it again: There's hardly anyone I didn't found attractive even for a few moments, or few days, or weeks, or months... :) Mini-crushes or more intense ones. I guess it comes down to truly appreciating a person as they are.
I wonder though, if in fact, I will be stuck on this one person. Right now I might feel that way. And nothing's ever happened but hours long conversations and bourbon drinking, hugs, one movie-watching evening together (The Hours), running into each other during long walks, and hanging out with some of the greatest musical friends ever.... That's a lot of great times. And now my last memory is visiting in his hometown, standing in July's bright sun, last hug goodbye, hair golden brown, smile half-cocked sincere, and a good laugh. "See ya later, Ol' Cat," he says.
I had a dream the other day... A photo and a caption: "Miss." The comment, from him, would be, "I miss you, too." I'm a silly ol' gal, all right.
I can only post this here, and not on facebook.
Anyway... Just watching that again makes me a bit curious. How are things going to pan out? Will this continue on forever and forever simply as friends? Long-time writing friends, friends who call each other up occasionally to ramble on about this new writing project or work plans or... I don't know. We never had the obvious sexual tension that Harry and Sally have, but... there was definitely some tension floating between us. I wonder if I will ever know.
And will the people I will feel drawn to emotionally and become involved with... Will they end up being people who are distractions for a while until the time is right? Until things can be understood, realized, expressed?
I did just read that the original script did have Harry and Sally becoming just friends after everything afterall. But they changed that for the film's optimistic "happily ever after" effect and romantic comedy high sales benefit. Ah well.
Humans are interesting creatures. I have said it before, and I can say it again: There's hardly anyone I didn't found attractive even for a few moments, or few days, or weeks, or months... :) Mini-crushes or more intense ones. I guess it comes down to truly appreciating a person as they are.
I wonder though, if in fact, I will be stuck on this one person. Right now I might feel that way. And nothing's ever happened but hours long conversations and bourbon drinking, hugs, one movie-watching evening together (The Hours), running into each other during long walks, and hanging out with some of the greatest musical friends ever.... That's a lot of great times. And now my last memory is visiting in his hometown, standing in July's bright sun, last hug goodbye, hair golden brown, smile half-cocked sincere, and a good laugh. "See ya later, Ol' Cat," he says.
I had a dream the other day... A photo and a caption: "Miss." The comment, from him, would be, "I miss you, too." I'm a silly ol' gal, all right.
I can only post this here, and not on facebook.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
archive: 12 August 2008: meteors and goodbye midnight
Last night I saw a deer. A young one walking very hesitantly in what is a field. The tall weeds (or had it been a corn field?) bush-hogged down and under distant street lamplight and high light of the half-moon, the deer perked its ears curious. I turned off my music and sat in stillness, silence. She came a little closer, nudged the ground, and made a few more steps. She was coming towards me timidly when a distant car backfired and she ran off in the direction of the road. I was afraid for her. I couldn't see into the darker shadows if she went into the road or back across the field into weeds not yet bush-hogged. But my evening was marked by her presence. A sweet hope welled inside. Patience.
A little later last night the stars fell across the sky, but I was reminded they are not for wish-makers but for astronomers to gaze upon. I laid on a blanket in the clearing near the grove of trees. If I could have I would have climbed one tree and watch the sky from the tallest limbs. If I could have I would have wished on stars, not planets. The constellations were forgotten by me; was that Scorpio? There's the Big Dipper, so is that the Southern Cross? And is that Capricorn? Or Virgo? Andromena?
On this blanket under stars and planets and meteors, the half-moon filtering through the far trees. Leonard Cohen in my ear. I heard him like I had never heard him before...
"I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme.
You know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that's no way to say goodbye."
And...
"Baby I have been here before.
I know this room, I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch.
Love is not a victory march.
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"
....
"I couldn't feel, so I learned to touch
I've told the truth: I didn't come all this way to fool you."
The deer had left. The moon was no longer behind a tree. I saw a few meteors streak the sky. Lightning bugs pretended to be meteors, setting off their light bulbs just above me. Mosquitoes bit my toes.
Midnight had come and gone.
It was now time to go
and time to say goodbye
to stars and wish-making.
A little later last night the stars fell across the sky, but I was reminded they are not for wish-makers but for astronomers to gaze upon. I laid on a blanket in the clearing near the grove of trees. If I could have I would have climbed one tree and watch the sky from the tallest limbs. If I could have I would have wished on stars, not planets. The constellations were forgotten by me; was that Scorpio? There's the Big Dipper, so is that the Southern Cross? And is that Capricorn? Or Virgo? Andromena?
On this blanket under stars and planets and meteors, the half-moon filtering through the far trees. Leonard Cohen in my ear. I heard him like I had never heard him before...
"I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme.
You know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that's no way to say goodbye."
And...
"Baby I have been here before.
I know this room, I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch.
Love is not a victory march.
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"
....
"I couldn't feel, so I learned to touch
I've told the truth: I didn't come all this way to fool you."
The deer had left. The moon was no longer behind a tree. I saw a few meteors streak the sky. Lightning bugs pretended to be meteors, setting off their light bulbs just above me. Mosquitoes bit my toes.
Midnight had come and gone.
It was now time to go
and time to say goodbye
to stars and wish-making.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
archive: 09 August 2008: writing themes
Today's free-write was pretty good and I felt like something new is coming out of the writing. I seem to be moving into new ground for these characters. These will all still become poems, not prose or fiction, but for now the free-writes stand alone as is. Here's Wednesday's below and then today's below that.
------------------------------------------------
August 6, 2008
"big whispering sound all over. Geese by the thousands. They blacked out the moon."
"language older than the spoken word."
both attributed to Cormac McCarthy
------------
When the locusts came it was a great sound throughout the woods, a crowd gathered at the church waiting for the sermon to start, but gossiping and storytelling all the same. Their insect voices chanted and hummed and hem-hawed around the worries of the farm folk. The noise drifted in through open June windows as they dreamed in their beds, and frowns furrowed their faces, of tall weeds which blocked the sun and snakes striking ankles. Wake into the loud orchestra and sigh into the fear. They were incessant and insistent. What could Jake do with the land? Sell it? Farm it and hop next year's crop happens? Let it field rot and let the family sink into debt? And the locusts just kept singing their humdrum song.
One morning in August, after a fight that stormed the porch and left down the gravel road the night before, she swept the porch as she cried. When she had gathered it all into a blue bowl and set it down on the big table, she walked out into the field and plucked the petals of the black-eyed susans for the bowl.
When Jake came home, the house was empty save for the blue bowl of yellow petals. It smelled sweet but sharp -- under the petals he found the dead locusts. She must have swept them from the corners of the porch.
----------------------------------------------------------
August 9, 2008
love is memory. "...being earth and water of existence, memory." - Truman Capote
-------------
When Spring came with its rain, long Spring rains that brought in the morning light in silken colors, soft like the lamp light in a woman's room after her life has been spent traveling the world, traveling this field, searching for bits of self in the shadows where the moon had shone the night before. When Spring rain came, the field barely absorbed it. The dry earth became a muddy sludge that ran down to the house, under the porch, over the bottom steps. The longest storms made the house an island in a field lake.
But as she sat on the top step, the rain still coming down, and she looked out at the water, she could see him storming off down the gravel road and she felt the old run-away fear. She saw herself walking with barely anything -- She had buried all her belongings under the moonlight, everything in the house except the blue bowl. She took it all and buried it. If she could not have him alone, he could not have even the memory of her: the blankets, the skillet, the pillows, the dresses she had worn when they used to lay on the far side of the corn field looking up at the stars and moon, the overalls he wore on Saturdays when he came back from the bar... Everything buried and, she had hoped, forgotten.
But here she sat on the old porch, the windows broken, the shingles half gone, and stubborn weeds forcing themselves between the floorboards. No telling where he is now, gone. But all those memories resurfacing in the earth and water, all those things threaded and stained have turned in their shallow graves and sought sunlight as Spring flooded the top soil away year after year.
And that's when she remembered the apple tree. She raised herself from her top-step perch and walked out into the rain and field lake, the muddy water mid-calf, and walked to the far left side. The apple tree now full with limbs and beginning to green. The rain will bring the blossoms. The fence cornered the tree, the place where her mother had died now will bear fruit, apples yellow and spotted, but sweet and soft, and so many that the ground would be littered with the apples, and the earth would bury them, take its own back into the soil and give them back, reborn.
-----------------
Writing Prompts, August 9, 2008:
"...for so few of us learn that love is tenderness, and tenderness is not, as a fair proportion suspect, pity; and still fewer know that happiness in love is not the absolute focusing of all emotion in another: one has always to love a good many things which the beloved must come only to symbolize; the true beloveds of this world are in their lover's eyes lilac openings, ship lights, school bells, a landscape, remembered conversations, friends, a child's Sunday, lost voices, one's favorite suit, autumn and all the seasons, memory, yes, it being earth and water of existence, memory."
p. 141-142, Other Voices, Other Rooms. Truman Capote
"...there was always between us something muted, hushed; still our silence was not of a secret kind, for in itself it communicated that wonderful peace those who understand each other very well sometimes achieve..."
p. 143, Other Voices, Other Rooms. Truman Capote
"...this was not a hotel; indeed, had never been: this was the place where folks came when they went off the face of the earth, when they died but were not dead."
p. 118, Other Voices, Other Rooms. Truman Capote
------------------------------------------------
August 6, 2008
"big whispering sound all over. Geese by the thousands. They blacked out the moon."
"language older than the spoken word."
both attributed to Cormac McCarthy
------------
When the locusts came it was a great sound throughout the woods, a crowd gathered at the church waiting for the sermon to start, but gossiping and storytelling all the same. Their insect voices chanted and hummed and hem-hawed around the worries of the farm folk. The noise drifted in through open June windows as they dreamed in their beds, and frowns furrowed their faces, of tall weeds which blocked the sun and snakes striking ankles. Wake into the loud orchestra and sigh into the fear. They were incessant and insistent. What could Jake do with the land? Sell it? Farm it and hop next year's crop happens? Let it field rot and let the family sink into debt? And the locusts just kept singing their humdrum song.
One morning in August, after a fight that stormed the porch and left down the gravel road the night before, she swept the porch as she cried. When she had gathered it all into a blue bowl and set it down on the big table, she walked out into the field and plucked the petals of the black-eyed susans for the bowl.
When Jake came home, the house was empty save for the blue bowl of yellow petals. It smelled sweet but sharp -- under the petals he found the dead locusts. She must have swept them from the corners of the porch.
----------------------------------------------------------
August 9, 2008
love is memory. "...being earth and water of existence, memory." - Truman Capote
-------------
When Spring came with its rain, long Spring rains that brought in the morning light in silken colors, soft like the lamp light in a woman's room after her life has been spent traveling the world, traveling this field, searching for bits of self in the shadows where the moon had shone the night before. When Spring rain came, the field barely absorbed it. The dry earth became a muddy sludge that ran down to the house, under the porch, over the bottom steps. The longest storms made the house an island in a field lake.
But as she sat on the top step, the rain still coming down, and she looked out at the water, she could see him storming off down the gravel road and she felt the old run-away fear. She saw herself walking with barely anything -- She had buried all her belongings under the moonlight, everything in the house except the blue bowl. She took it all and buried it. If she could not have him alone, he could not have even the memory of her: the blankets, the skillet, the pillows, the dresses she had worn when they used to lay on the far side of the corn field looking up at the stars and moon, the overalls he wore on Saturdays when he came back from the bar... Everything buried and, she had hoped, forgotten.
But here she sat on the old porch, the windows broken, the shingles half gone, and stubborn weeds forcing themselves between the floorboards. No telling where he is now, gone. But all those memories resurfacing in the earth and water, all those things threaded and stained have turned in their shallow graves and sought sunlight as Spring flooded the top soil away year after year.
And that's when she remembered the apple tree. She raised herself from her top-step perch and walked out into the rain and field lake, the muddy water mid-calf, and walked to the far left side. The apple tree now full with limbs and beginning to green. The rain will bring the blossoms. The fence cornered the tree, the place where her mother had died now will bear fruit, apples yellow and spotted, but sweet and soft, and so many that the ground would be littered with the apples, and the earth would bury them, take its own back into the soil and give them back, reborn.
-----------------
Writing Prompts, August 9, 2008:
"...for so few of us learn that love is tenderness, and tenderness is not, as a fair proportion suspect, pity; and still fewer know that happiness in love is not the absolute focusing of all emotion in another: one has always to love a good many things which the beloved must come only to symbolize; the true beloveds of this world are in their lover's eyes lilac openings, ship lights, school bells, a landscape, remembered conversations, friends, a child's Sunday, lost voices, one's favorite suit, autumn and all the seasons, memory, yes, it being earth and water of existence, memory."
p. 141-142, Other Voices, Other Rooms. Truman Capote
"...there was always between us something muted, hushed; still our silence was not of a secret kind, for in itself it communicated that wonderful peace those who understand each other very well sometimes achieve..."
p. 143, Other Voices, Other Rooms. Truman Capote
"...this was not a hotel; indeed, had never been: this was the place where folks came when they went off the face of the earth, when they died but were not dead."
p. 118, Other Voices, Other Rooms. Truman Capote
Friday, August 8, 2008
archive: 08 August 2008: moods
Moody. Too much change going on around me. People coming and going and connections are too thin. And my standing threatens to toss me east or west but I have no clue which direction.
I went to Clifftop and had a great time, most of it. I think constantly being surrounded by people I didn't know and talent I didn't have but wanted to have played a toll on me by the time it was late Friday night. Cajun/Zydeco dancing tent, people, wallflowers, and a mass of other feelings. I had to retreat for a brief bit that evening. It could have been the New Moon. It could have been the amount of bourbon I drank. It could have been my insecurities I always ignore on the surface. It could have been biological. But I had to retreat. Rain. And then I was able to go again and avoid what hurt. I stayed up until 6 a.m. with some folks from Ohio and Toronto, and that brought around a good dawn. And then I slept until the storm came, a literal CRACK! of thunder and lightning around 7 a.m. Fear subsided back into sleep.
Stress of not hearing from a potential job opportunity. If I receive an offer, I have to say all this waiting and waiting and no communication is NOT the right foot to start on. But at the moment I would prefer VT over any other non-Appalachian opportunity. Ah well.
A friend drove up to NY sometime around Sunday or so and is looking forward to change and finding a place in Maine, etc. So I am glad I had the opportunity to get to see and visit with him in early July in his hometown. Someone I hope to always keep in touch with, good friendship and affection.
Another friend has met someone who makes him quite happy and he's just bubbling with that new feeling. And its good to know he's happy. I hope this becomes something good for them both and doesn't fizzle into something that'll make him bitter and skeptical.
Another recent friend is heading up to England as well. Like I said, just as folks come along, they also leave.
I'm tired. Sad. And ready to know what I think I ought to have heard by now. And wish I could say the things I have wanted to say. But what is done is done, and time moves forward, not backward.
I think tonight I am going to go for a long walk... I have not done a midnight walk in a long time, nor have I visited those train tracks in a few months. Or the grove. Ah well. Come what may.
---------
ADDITION: I have been sending out resumes now. I still have not heard from VT and it is 5:30pm on 08-08-08! I do, however, have a phone interview on Tuesday morning with the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City, OK. Interesting. I sent a resume and application to Kean University in Union, NJ. Also one to the Ohio Historical Society, Columbus, OH. And sent one to Harvard as well.
Yesterday I applied for unemployment. I returned applications to Rite Aid and a gas station for part-time work in the meantime. A former co-worker convinced that is OKAY to file for unemployment insurance. I did online and according to it I won't get the first check of that until Aug. 20th. If VT will finally tell me some good news, I won't even need that.
I just want to KNOW now. I don't want to go through more interviews. I want what felt positive and hopeful and good and forward. I DID send an email today at 1:41 pm to the library human resources person at VT and I have not heard from her yet. This is disappointing.
Well, I don't know yet what I am doing tonight. Saturday night should be nice with meteor showers and friends. Sunday will be moving into the guest room at another friends' place out in the countryside, which will lead to walks in the field and by the small ponds out in the sun. It will probably help my latest theme in writing.
I went to Clifftop and had a great time, most of it. I think constantly being surrounded by people I didn't know and talent I didn't have but wanted to have played a toll on me by the time it was late Friday night. Cajun/Zydeco dancing tent, people, wallflowers, and a mass of other feelings. I had to retreat for a brief bit that evening. It could have been the New Moon. It could have been the amount of bourbon I drank. It could have been my insecurities I always ignore on the surface. It could have been biological. But I had to retreat. Rain. And then I was able to go again and avoid what hurt. I stayed up until 6 a.m. with some folks from Ohio and Toronto, and that brought around a good dawn. And then I slept until the storm came, a literal CRACK! of thunder and lightning around 7 a.m. Fear subsided back into sleep.
Stress of not hearing from a potential job opportunity. If I receive an offer, I have to say all this waiting and waiting and no communication is NOT the right foot to start on. But at the moment I would prefer VT over any other non-Appalachian opportunity. Ah well.
A friend drove up to NY sometime around Sunday or so and is looking forward to change and finding a place in Maine, etc. So I am glad I had the opportunity to get to see and visit with him in early July in his hometown. Someone I hope to always keep in touch with, good friendship and affection.
Another friend has met someone who makes him quite happy and he's just bubbling with that new feeling. And its good to know he's happy. I hope this becomes something good for them both and doesn't fizzle into something that'll make him bitter and skeptical.
Another recent friend is heading up to England as well. Like I said, just as folks come along, they also leave.
I'm tired. Sad. And ready to know what I think I ought to have heard by now. And wish I could say the things I have wanted to say. But what is done is done, and time moves forward, not backward.
I think tonight I am going to go for a long walk... I have not done a midnight walk in a long time, nor have I visited those train tracks in a few months. Or the grove. Ah well. Come what may.
---------
ADDITION: I have been sending out resumes now. I still have not heard from VT and it is 5:30pm on 08-08-08! I do, however, have a phone interview on Tuesday morning with the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City, OK. Interesting. I sent a resume and application to Kean University in Union, NJ. Also one to the Ohio Historical Society, Columbus, OH. And sent one to Harvard as well.
Yesterday I applied for unemployment. I returned applications to Rite Aid and a gas station for part-time work in the meantime. A former co-worker convinced that is OKAY to file for unemployment insurance. I did online and according to it I won't get the first check of that until Aug. 20th. If VT will finally tell me some good news, I won't even need that.
I just want to KNOW now. I don't want to go through more interviews. I want what felt positive and hopeful and good and forward. I DID send an email today at 1:41 pm to the library human resources person at VT and I have not heard from her yet. This is disappointing.
Well, I don't know yet what I am doing tonight. Saturday night should be nice with meteor showers and friends. Sunday will be moving into the guest room at another friends' place out in the countryside, which will lead to walks in the field and by the small ponds out in the sun. It will probably help my latest theme in writing.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
archive: 24 July 2008: last day
My last day of work at the ACA will be Monday, June 30th.
I am hoping and praying that one of the VA Tech positions come through for me. I am moving into Mary and Char's guest room at their place this weekend and giving away/selling some furniture and knick-knacks. Its kinda depressing. But its okay. Something is going to work out. Cats are going to Sarah's for a while, and if that doesn't work out, they will go to Erin's. And I will need to find a little work to hold me over through July, at least till I know more details. Forced vacation of a kind, maybe? Yeah, right, with lots of uncertain stress.
I need this kind of massive uncertain change, I guess. It is making me feel like I am caught in a hurricane, but I ain't drowning... yet. I know how to swim.
I am hoping and praying that one of the VA Tech positions come through for me. I am moving into Mary and Char's guest room at their place this weekend and giving away/selling some furniture and knick-knacks. Its kinda depressing. But its okay. Something is going to work out. Cats are going to Sarah's for a while, and if that doesn't work out, they will go to Erin's. And I will need to find a little work to hold me over through July, at least till I know more details. Forced vacation of a kind, maybe? Yeah, right, with lots of uncertain stress.
I need this kind of massive uncertain change, I guess. It is making me feel like I am caught in a hurricane, but I ain't drowning... yet. I know how to swim.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
archive: 09 July 2008: mi familia
I love these people. I'm looking at photos of friends in a band (Carol, Robert, Glen, and John) and I am selecting some to include on their Myspace page, with Mark's permission since he was the photographer of these awesome pics. I'm looking at them, the great people with laughter and joy... And I love these people. Mi Familia.
I already know that whenever and where-ever I move for my next job, I will cry for days missing them. I was crying here looking at these pictures and I am still here! I haven't left yet! And I miss them already, knowing I will be moving someday soon...
This is why its hard to know I will be going out-of-town this weekend and missing a couple of their shows and being around them and the rest of the Berea family. I love each and every one of them dearly.
I already know that whenever and where-ever I move for my next job, I will cry for days missing them. I was crying here looking at these pictures and I am still here! I haven't left yet! And I miss them already, knowing I will be moving someday soon...
This is why its hard to know I will be going out-of-town this weekend and missing a couple of their shows and being around them and the rest of the Berea family. I love each and every one of them dearly.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
archive: 17 June 2008: VA Tech, interview, solutions
My interview at Virginia Tech felt pretty good, but I am also hesitant to put too much hope into how good I felt after the interview and how well I got along with people, and how I perceived their impressions of me. I felt great after Mars Hill but that fell through. I don't want to hope too much and find I am wrong, again.
Anyway, I need to send out more applications. I haven't heard from but two of the ones I sent information out to in mid-May. I just saw an announcement for a position at LSU (Baton Rouge, LA) and although the deadline was June 13, it looks like they are still accepting applications. It is not New Orleans, but its fairly close (an hour and a half away). I just don't know if I want to go back to the Deep South just yet, though I miss New Orleans.
According to the search committee at VA Tech, they won't be able to offer the positions to anyone until the end of July, mid-July at the earliest.
My position at ACA is/was supposed to conclude at the end of June. That's two weeks away. I cannot talk to anyone about making other arrangements to work through the end of July because one of those individuals is on vacation until next Monday and the other does not start work as the new President until July 1st. Is it possible? Maybe, but its unclear right now and that makes me feel unbalanced and nervous to know what's going to happen.
I have been thinking about my living arrangement. Thinking positively that I will get the job and will move to Blacksburg, VA, at the end of July/first week of August, I "could" stay in my apartment through the end of July, but that's $450 rent and other bills, too. That's money I will need for moving to VA (or elsewhere).
If I move out at the end of June, I will have June's paycheck and (if I work for ACA in July) July's paycheck. That would be enough to put down a month's rent and deposit and move my possessions to VA.
So... where would I move at the end of this month? Who do I know who have houses/apartments that could use an apartment/house-mate for a month? There's a couple of people I can ask... Its complicated. I need to catch up with them and see what possibilities there might be. One person I think I would feel most comfortable with but when their original housemate comes back and (thinking negatively) I don't get the job at VA Tech, then I still have to move again, somewhere.... If I share with another friend, relatively new to the area woman who's going through a lot of stuff, I might have more lee-way in how long I can stay. Plus, she's got a garden and I could put in some time helping with that, maybe?
I don't know who else I could ask... Of course, I wouldn't want to share without giving SOME rent (or barter gardening, housework, cooking, etc), just not the entire $450 I would have had to give at the apartment complex.
*sigh*
Uncertainty pulls at my veins and arteries and makes me feel like a stretched out rubber band, ready to snap in half because I'm weak or ready to split the air as I throw myself into motion. How can it be that I am both?
I trust that everything will fall into place.
My need to have control over it has to lessen in order for it all to work out.
Patience to hear back from the VA Tech search committee.
Patience to find a space for transition.
Patience to find the right work environment.
Patience for moving on from this place I don't yet want to give up, and
patience for settling into a new place in which I am unfamiliar and alien.
I trust that everything will fall into place.
Anyway, I need to send out more applications. I haven't heard from but two of the ones I sent information out to in mid-May. I just saw an announcement for a position at LSU (Baton Rouge, LA) and although the deadline was June 13, it looks like they are still accepting applications. It is not New Orleans, but its fairly close (an hour and a half away). I just don't know if I want to go back to the Deep South just yet, though I miss New Orleans.
According to the search committee at VA Tech, they won't be able to offer the positions to anyone until the end of July, mid-July at the earliest.
My position at ACA is/was supposed to conclude at the end of June. That's two weeks away. I cannot talk to anyone about making other arrangements to work through the end of July because one of those individuals is on vacation until next Monday and the other does not start work as the new President until July 1st. Is it possible? Maybe, but its unclear right now and that makes me feel unbalanced and nervous to know what's going to happen.
I have been thinking about my living arrangement. Thinking positively that I will get the job and will move to Blacksburg, VA, at the end of July/first week of August, I "could" stay in my apartment through the end of July, but that's $450 rent and other bills, too. That's money I will need for moving to VA (or elsewhere).
If I move out at the end of June, I will have June's paycheck and (if I work for ACA in July) July's paycheck. That would be enough to put down a month's rent and deposit and move my possessions to VA.
So... where would I move at the end of this month? Who do I know who have houses/apartments that could use an apartment/house-mate for a month? There's a couple of people I can ask... Its complicated. I need to catch up with them and see what possibilities there might be. One person I think I would feel most comfortable with but when their original housemate comes back and (thinking negatively) I don't get the job at VA Tech, then I still have to move again, somewhere.... If I share with another friend, relatively new to the area woman who's going through a lot of stuff, I might have more lee-way in how long I can stay. Plus, she's got a garden and I could put in some time helping with that, maybe?
I don't know who else I could ask... Of course, I wouldn't want to share without giving SOME rent (or barter gardening, housework, cooking, etc), just not the entire $450 I would have had to give at the apartment complex.
*sigh*
Uncertainty pulls at my veins and arteries and makes me feel like a stretched out rubber band, ready to snap in half because I'm weak or ready to split the air as I throw myself into motion. How can it be that I am both?
I trust that everything will fall into place.
My need to have control over it has to lessen in order for it all to work out.
Patience to hear back from the VA Tech search committee.
Patience to find a space for transition.
Patience to find the right work environment.
Patience for moving on from this place I don't yet want to give up, and
patience for settling into a new place in which I am unfamiliar and alien.
I trust that everything will fall into place.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
archive: 22 May 2008: interview!
I just got a call and voicemail from the folks at Virginia Tech! They want to set up an in-person interview in early June with me. He explained that the interview would last a day and a half, and that I would arrive the night before. I'd need to provide a presentation in front of faculty and there would be several interview meetings with various groups or individuals over the day and next morning. What a long process, but at the end of it, possibility!
Wow. Now when to schedule it? The ACA Annual Meeting is June 7-8, which is a Saturday and Sunday and those days will result in me feeling exhausted. I don't really want to try to schedule it the first week of June because (1) Annual meeting preparation, and (2) I need time to properly create a presentation. I have the one that I used at Mars Hill, but I probably should tailor this one more for VA Tech. Besides, tomorrow I will find out if there are any specific questions they want answered in the presentation. So middle of the week after the Annual Meeting, June 10-12th? Probably best option. Or maybe I am just scared and should bite the bullet and settle for that first week chance. I am just afraid of not being prepared!
AH!!!
Oh! And I saw these job postings today:
Archivist/Assistant Librarian (2 Positions)
The University of Arizona Libraries, Special Collections, Tucson, AZ
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-2.asp
Archivist - Pictorial Collections
Hagley Museum & Library, Wilmington, DE
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-3.asp
Assistant Archivist/ Library Associate II
Iowa State University Library, Ames, IA
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-4.asp
Coordinator/Archivist
Albert Gore, Sr., Research Center
Middle TN State University, Murfreesboro, TN
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-5.asp
Project Archivist
Arizona State University, Tempe, AZ
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-8.asp
American Heritage Center
University of Wyoming, Laramie, WY
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/051308-2.asp
And... I had applied to the positions back in mid-April. Notes next to them.
1. Assistant Archivist at Sarah Lawrence College, Bronxville, NY - Received card that they received application but heard no word from them yet.
2. Assistant Archivist at Westchester County Archives and Records Center, Elmsford, NY - No word yet.
3. Project Archivist, Columbia University, NYC, NY - No word yet.
4. Assistant Archivist, University of North Dakota, Grand Forks, ND - No word yet.
5. Assistant Curator for Special Collections, Princeton University, Princeton, NJ - No word yet.
6. Project Archivist for Special Collections, VA Tech, Blacksburg, VA - Interviewed by phone on May 20. In-Person interview in June!
7. Public Services Archivist, VA Tech, Blacksburg, VA - Interviewed by phone on May 20. In-Person interview in June!
8. Acquisitions and Processing Archivist, VA Tech, Blacksburg, VA - Interviewed by phone on May 20. In-Person interview in June!
9. And back in mid-March I sent an application to the National World War II Museum for an Archivist position, but I have not heard anything from them at all. I assume they already had an idea of a candidate when they received my application right on the deadline.
Wow. Now when to schedule it? The ACA Annual Meeting is June 7-8, which is a Saturday and Sunday and those days will result in me feeling exhausted. I don't really want to try to schedule it the first week of June because (1) Annual meeting preparation, and (2) I need time to properly create a presentation. I have the one that I used at Mars Hill, but I probably should tailor this one more for VA Tech. Besides, tomorrow I will find out if there are any specific questions they want answered in the presentation. So middle of the week after the Annual Meeting, June 10-12th? Probably best option. Or maybe I am just scared and should bite the bullet and settle for that first week chance. I am just afraid of not being prepared!
AH!!!
Oh! And I saw these job postings today:
Archivist/Assistant Librarian (2 Positions)
The University of Arizona Libraries, Special Collections, Tucson, AZ
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-2.asp
Archivist - Pictorial Collections
Hagley Museum & Library, Wilmington, DE
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-3.asp
Assistant Archivist/ Library Associate II
Iowa State University Library, Ames, IA
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-4.asp
Coordinator/Archivist
Albert Gore, Sr., Research Center
Middle TN State University, Murfreesboro, TN
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-5.asp
Project Archivist
Arizona State University, Tempe, AZ
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/052108-8.asp
American Heritage Center
University of Wyoming, Laramie, WY
http://www.archivists.org/employment/jobs/051308-2.asp
And... I had applied to the positions back in mid-April. Notes next to them.
1. Assistant Archivist at Sarah Lawrence College, Bronxville, NY - Received card that they received application but heard no word from them yet.
2. Assistant Archivist at Westchester County Archives and Records Center, Elmsford, NY - No word yet.
3. Project Archivist, Columbia University, NYC, NY - No word yet.
4. Assistant Archivist, University of North Dakota, Grand Forks, ND - No word yet.
5. Assistant Curator for Special Collections, Princeton University, Princeton, NJ - No word yet.
6. Project Archivist for Special Collections, VA Tech, Blacksburg, VA - Interviewed by phone on May 20. In-Person interview in June!
7. Public Services Archivist, VA Tech, Blacksburg, VA - Interviewed by phone on May 20. In-Person interview in June!
8. Acquisitions and Processing Archivist, VA Tech, Blacksburg, VA - Interviewed by phone on May 20. In-Person interview in June!
9. And back in mid-March I sent an application to the National World War II Museum for an Archivist position, but I have not heard anything from them at all. I assume they already had an idea of a candidate when they received my application right on the deadline.
Friday, April 4, 2008
archive: 04 april 2008: sick
I hate being sick.
Sick sick sick
I’m going back to sleep. This is ridiculous. My voice is gone. I feel like my throat’s been ripped out of my body.
AGH!
Sick sick sick
I’m going back to sleep. This is ridiculous. My voice is gone. I feel like my throat’s been ripped out of my body.
AGH!
archive: 04 april 2008: patience and creativity
Waiting... wait, wait. wait... Patience, dear.
I’m trying to distract myself with creating things, working on a new project, but I can’t seem to focus on it. I need some images anyway; no printer. I think I will paint/collage the cabinet doors (used ones I bought at a flea market; not the ones in the kitchen) with images/concepts about the Pleiades. I studied some about Alcyone last night and got some clear images and colors to use. I just need a good printout of a kingfisher to use. I can’t paint that kind of detail.... hrm. Wish I could, though.
I sent the poem, sent it on Thursday March 27 at 1:12am, after he and I had spent 3 or 4 hours talking and drinking a little bourbon... I haven’t heard anything, but I didn’t expect that I would either until sometime after he gets back. Waiting and patience. I understand, I can do this. I’m just afraid I untied the rope bridge and dropped it into the river. I won’t know if I did or not until Sunday, or Monday, or Tuesday... Patience. It’ll be ok.
Going to go distract myself with more Buffy the Vampire Slayer, magazine clippings, and then sleep....
I’m trying to distract myself with creating things, working on a new project, but I can’t seem to focus on it. I need some images anyway; no printer. I think I will paint/collage the cabinet doors (used ones I bought at a flea market; not the ones in the kitchen) with images/concepts about the Pleiades. I studied some about Alcyone last night and got some clear images and colors to use. I just need a good printout of a kingfisher to use. I can’t paint that kind of detail.... hrm. Wish I could, though.
I sent the poem, sent it on Thursday March 27 at 1:12am, after he and I had spent 3 or 4 hours talking and drinking a little bourbon... I haven’t heard anything, but I didn’t expect that I would either until sometime after he gets back. Waiting and patience. I understand, I can do this. I’m just afraid I untied the rope bridge and dropped it into the river. I won’t know if I did or not until Sunday, or Monday, or Tuesday... Patience. It’ll be ok.
Going to go distract myself with more Buffy the Vampire Slayer, magazine clippings, and then sleep....
Sunday, March 23, 2008
archive: 23 march 2008: knot on the tree trunk
Oh, I thought I was going to be able to do my laundry today at the same time as hanging out with a friend, so I never went to the laundry mat thinking what I thought would happen was going to happen. But no. And everything I have right now worth wearing is dirty. Especially underwear. Damnit.
And, it really steams me up when someone mentions a concert taking place in two days but straight up only looks at the person next to you (and they know you like this person very much) and make no impression to include me in the "you wanna go with us?" invite, no looking to see if I am interested in the same musical event, etc. Catty. Just makes me feel invisible. And I see no point in trying to play games, because I don’t do that at all. I’m not that way.
Its Easter. People are off seeing family and friends. I wasn’t invited to anything and no one called or emailed me anything. I spoke to the grand total of two people today: one person at Circle K and one person (who I only partially know) who was walking up the railroad tracks. I wanted to be a part of something or be social with a friend or two, but none of that happened... It was a very long boring and lonely holiday for me. Empty.
And earlier I went to someone’s profile and saw that my last comment was deleted. For whatever reason, I don’t know. Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was on purpose. But it kinda hurt. It also makes me suspicious if something’s been told....
And this evening I watched the second DVD of a movie again. And when it was done, I laid down on the couch, and then started crying. At first I had no idea why. But then I figured out that I suddenly felt very alone, forgotten, unwanted. And that is why I was crying.
And, it really steams me up when someone mentions a concert taking place in two days but straight up only looks at the person next to you (and they know you like this person very much) and make no impression to include me in the "you wanna go with us?" invite, no looking to see if I am interested in the same musical event, etc. Catty. Just makes me feel invisible. And I see no point in trying to play games, because I don’t do that at all. I’m not that way.
Its Easter. People are off seeing family and friends. I wasn’t invited to anything and no one called or emailed me anything. I spoke to the grand total of two people today: one person at Circle K and one person (who I only partially know) who was walking up the railroad tracks. I wanted to be a part of something or be social with a friend or two, but none of that happened... It was a very long boring and lonely holiday for me. Empty.
And earlier I went to someone’s profile and saw that my last comment was deleted. For whatever reason, I don’t know. Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was on purpose. But it kinda hurt. It also makes me suspicious if something’s been told....
And this evening I watched the second DVD of a movie again. And when it was done, I laid down on the couch, and then started crying. At first I had no idea why. But then I figured out that I suddenly felt very alone, forgotten, unwanted. And that is why I was crying.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
archive: 12 march 2008: train wind (revised)
I have worked and worked and worked on this one. I shared it with writing buddy Vicky. I can’t quite "let go of it" to show to someone else. I may do what she suggested and that is make a small chapbook with pictures for each of the poems. Might give that.
(deleted original entry and will not post poem here as I want to publish it at some point in the future. - LAH, 4/3/2011).
(deleted original entry and will not post poem here as I want to publish it at some point in the future. - LAH, 4/3/2011).
Thursday, March 6, 2008
archive: 06 march 2008: wind of trains
I walked for a while Sunday evening and had a few experiences, a few moments of trains and wind and stars. I finally wrote it all down in snippets and pieces on Tuesday night, 12 pages from my little journal. Yesterday I worked on making it all something. I am not sure if I will let some people read this. It is personal and, for some, very clear.
(deleted original entry & will not post poem here - LAH, 4/3/2011)
(deleted original entry & will not post poem here - LAH, 4/3/2011)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
archive: 27 February 2008: refreshing and reclaiming
I need to do laundry. Pack it up and take it somewhere. This is never fun but I am done to nothing clean. And then it snows, which makes me even more want to stay inside and not go anywhere to do something like Laundry.
AND... I just now have the opinion that I want to rearrange my apartment. I want to move all the furniture around downstairs, upstairs. I need to get RID of stuff.
AND... I just now have the opinion that I want to rearrange my apartment. I want to move all the furniture around downstairs, upstairs. I need to get RID of stuff.
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