Last night was different and I am glad for it. Talked with a friend I never really get a chance to hang out with one-on-one. We talked about a ton of different things: moving, reasons for moving and what would be missed in doing so, how our situations are different, relationships of the past and how they ended, stories written, sex and past experiences, and some other things. Watched Snakes on a Plane cause it was on the TV. I said some things I had been thinking the other day, and we both agreed we had the same thoughts on that, too (for the most part).
Its true, its hard to look at the possibilities lying ahead and confront the conflicted feelings you hold within: I need a job that pays more so I can pay off my debts; I want work which feels more fulfilling & challenging; I might also need a different place where I may find someone to share time and love with... But why do I want to stay in Berea? Because I love some people here who have become my friends and family; Because this town has allowed me to be me and not feel judged; Because only in the last 6-8 months have I felt like I have gained a few close friends (though one may be moving soon too). Because I have been here for a while and it is hard to pick up and move to another place where you know no one. But I have done it and three years later I don't want to leave. I can do it again. I'm just going to be sad, will grieve, will well up inside and have to discover myself again, push myself to know and be with people. I failed at that when I first moved here and for two years didn't really succeed. It is not all one-sided though; As much as I may be afraid of intruding on others' time and therefore reluctant to call, it takes two to not let a friendship flourish: I may not call initially, but if they never call me then what else can I believe than they really aren't interested in growing a friendship. And I must not fear that I will lose contact with some people... I guess in that I must just settle for "what happens, happens."
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