E.M. is not me

“Some people suffer from emotional masochism. They are more comfortable when they feel sad or consider themselves failures in life, or prefer to be in a relationship with someone who cheats or insults them. People who have these kind of feelings may have been bullied or abused earlier in life, or may feel that they do not deserve success and happiness.”

No, no, no. Sometimes I feel oddly more comfortable sad, but do not think I’m a failure nor want to think of myself as one either. I do not want to be cheated on or feel belittled. I was bullied at school, insulted and emotionally abused by peers, and had plenty if roller coaster feelings of what my dad thought of me (when I couldn’t figure something out, find something he wanted, etc, I was called stupid, idiot, anything insulting intelligence…). But I don’t desire to feel those feelings again either, far from it.

So this other is something else…. Surely? Hmm.

“Women who fall for unavailable men have some profound insecurities and self-esteem issues, and they invest so much in pursuing unavailable men with the following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll—at long last—have proof that they are worthy. Sadly, without such proof, their self-worth is left hanging in the wind. In addition, these women feel that they’ve invested so much and waited so long for the unavailable man to come around that the thought of leaving without any payoff is almost unthinkable.” - from Psychology Today Magazine.. Although the main example I have of this is not someone who was in another relationship himself, but MDA was just simply not interested in me that way. But the waiting, the hoping that invested feelings would be returned, etc, was all true. 6 years that “crush.” Last summer I finally let it go because I finally realized it was truly never ever going to happen. I don’t deny I surely have some self-esteem issues and insecurities. Some I overcome, some are clinging like leeches. Ah, introspection.

Introspection and E.M. (more rambles)

Introspection and E.M. (more rambles) 

 

Been very introspective today. In part I think I let my thinking and emotions distract and procrastinate away from something I was going to do, which was to reconnect with a friend I have somehow lost contact with… No idea why we’ve not talked or visited with each other for months. I’m weird, though, when I have to be the one to reach out and tie down the time lost to a phone call, an invitation to meet, dinner… The longer I wait the longer I berate myself for letting it get this way. It’s not that I don’t think about them often, I do.

I think I’m growing more like my dad, less expressive in person, even if I do talk, talk, talk… Again the journals and writing for emotions. I’m just afraid of being rejected, is all, and even friendships can be awkward.

Okay. Tuesday. Phone call. Damnit, Laura.

Oh… Maybe I am an emotional masochist? Is that even a thing? I have been known to be attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable, or at least that’s what some friends described those persons. Also, I’d become emotionally invested in the unattainable. No, not pursuing someone who was taken, but someone who I may never meet or see again, someone who doesn’t share the same kinds of feelings, someone who is attracted to someone else… Whathaveyou. Yeah, an emotional masochist MUST be a term. Google here I come.

Car Wreck, Dec. 26, 2012

I know this looks scary as all get out.  I think I will forever be reminded of this day and know that it was just chance that in all that spinning on the icy highway that both impacts with the big truck and the semi never smashed on the driver’s side… All I can assume is that if it had, I’d at the very least have a mangled left leg.  Instead, I walked away with bruises.  Bruises… I can live with that.  And I do.  I still get a little shaken up thinking about someone being a nutjob speeding through an intersection when I’m unlucky enough to be crossing through… But it hasn’t happened yet.

I miss Emmylou.  I love that blue car.  But red Lucinda will work.  Not only is that name a reference to my poetry collection, but it just dawned on me the storyline almost echoes the succession of cars.  In the poems, mother Claire dies at the hands of a violent resentful husband who then also abandons his daughter Lucinda.  Lucinda grows up to marry another farmer man who attempts the same failed ideas of her father, more resentment and anger taken out on her.  But instead of falling to the same fate as her mother, she packs up and leaves him.  Lucinda not only survives, but she is stronger.
Oh, see that CD on the dash on the left? It was Iron and Wine’s “Kiss Each Other Clean.” It wasn’t as scratched up as it would seem to be.  It was in the visor over my head. Ray LaMontagne’s “Till The Sun Turns Black” was playing in the CD player at the time of wreck. I managed to recover all my CDs after the wreck.  Including the John Fullbright disc that was still in the visor pocket. Oh music, music, music…

I still wonder about the statue I saw in the cemetery that was alongside the highway where the wreck happened.  As I was trying to think of who and how to call someone I noticed it across the snow-covered field. I stared at it for a few seconds, grew calm, and everything after that seemed to just fall into place.  I cannot seem to find any pictures of the cemetery that shows that far left side clear enough… to see if that was really a statue or if I imagined something else.

intensities

On my lengthy drive the other day it dawned on me the similarities of three intense crushes I have had, and intense is not a word to be taken lightly or consider exaggerated.

The first of these involved someone I had only met two weeks before I moved out of state.  We worked together. I went out to eat with her a few times, hung out at her apartment a few times, and only really got to know a few detailed pieces of her history, much of her life still being untold and somewhat guarded.  I took a job out of state, moved there, and several months followed with an intensity of having missed out on 1) at least sharing with her that I had this crush on her, intense admiration and adoration for someone who probably didn’t have the same kind of feelings for me, and 2) having realized these feelings existed within me too late. I do not think, though, that it was anything similar on her part.  I cried often after I moved. I felt out of place and unsure of what I had allowed myself to feel and to miss.

The second was a crush on a fellow poet ten years my junior. It came on rather slowly, but once I recognized it, the welling of admiration for all that was him consumed me.  I caged the feelings. I valued the slow growing friendship we had, the tiny bits of his personal history he shared candidly but also without lengthy telling.  Bits of emotion, passion, masked with cynicism and pretended nonchalance.  At times the intensity of my feelings for him declared that I would wait all my life for him to realize we were meant to be together.  I’d wait, not force or push the matter. Wait.  But a another job taking me out of state, him moving to an even more distant state, every other week phone calls fading into monthly calls, every other month calls, once a season calls, and now… I’m not sure when I might hear his voice again.  Sometimes I called him, more often he called me to catch up, share something he’d read, written, thought out, listened to, watched.  He introduced me to David Gray over the phone when he was in Maine.  See, bits of him while forever be scattered throughout my day in little reminders like that.  I cannot think of David Gray without thinking of who introduced me to his music.  But he’s a protective personality.  Private.  Anything personal and intimate that he shared with me in the slightest of detail I felt was a show to trust and goodness, I wasn’t about to blab what was told to me to anyone else. I felt I was a valued friend. A confidant, however small the little bits might be.  And now, I’ve come to accept there is no need to wait.  And all this distance and time.  Love, yes, but waiting, no.  If I saw him tomorrow, talked together at length, shared some moments… I can’t say it wouldn’t all flood right back — it probably would — but I don’t believe I’ll see him again for a long time to come.  So… about 6 years.  Yes, 6 years is long enough to wait and to say, enough.

And now, thinking on this long drive, I think earlier this year I might’ve had a self-preservation moment.  I think I realized that an admiration for another friend had grown so much and so intensely that it was becoming a little too much to admit to myself, but most importantly, to not admit or express to this friend.  It would make things strange, awkward, and most certainly unrequited.  I don’t see this friend having similar feelings for me at all.  And she’s brightly beautiful inside, which is what has attracted me to all these individuals.  Passionate, emotional though with hesitation.  True caring.  Also, a very private individual, guarded, and shares only with whom she trusts, which I think includes me.  And so looking back, I think my weird distancing was in fact some weird way of guarding myself, but at the same time I berated myself for withdrawing without explanation, and also missing the friendship I saw forming.  I don’t think I have entirely broken that thread though, and soon it will be repaired.  However, again, I am sure intensity of admiration will swell up again and

I’ll have to continue to smile through it.

But that’s okay, because the friendship is worth it.  Some people you don’t want to lose their presence in your life.

For Lindsey

I'm just going to throw a few things together and hope that they will help demonstrate some things I learned and others I figured out on my own.  Maybe we can get together over Thanksgiving break and make something together, which is probably the better way to learn anything.  :)

So first, I find something that inspires me.  Some idea that I might copy as a gift for someone.  Here's a few that I have stumbled across and either pretty much copied altogether or simplified to my own capabilities.

Heart ornaments from an Etsy page

So these little red and white heart ornaments are pretty simple.  I can tell she  had to have cut out 3 hearts, 2 in red and 1 in white slightly smaller than the red ones. First she probably stitched the ribbon loop onto what will be the inside of one of the red hearts.  Then she layered the hearts together: plain red heart, then red heart with ribbon loop, and last the white heart.  Holding all of that together with one stick pin, she did the red straight stitch you can see tie it all together.


Here's a link to a video demonstrating the straight stitch, also known as a running stitch, which you probably already know it but we'll humor each other.  :)  I think she does a pretty job demonstrating the straight stitch, plus a good tie-off technique.  ALSO, here's a blog entry that details a variety of line stitches, most of which I haven't practiced myself, so I am glad I am creating this little compilation of tips for you!  Click here for more basic embroidery line stitches...

So that gets a basic concept down.  Next you'll start thinking about layered ideas, different colors, and use the straight stitch for effect.  You can use it to secure the layers of felt together or use it as a freehand design.  Here are a few images I have found that demonstrate fun use of the simple straight stitch.

Great tutorial!
	Another tutorial!

So those are some straight stitch ideas.  Let's move on to what I call a loop stitch, which can add more interest, disguise, texture, etc. I use it a lot when I am layering some felt pieces and want to "close" the layers, especially if I stuffed it with polyfil.  Some people use what is called a buttonhole or blanket stitch. I realize now what I have been doing is the blanket stitch but without staying in the "loop," or some seem to call it a "whip" stitch.  Here's a blog entry by someone showing a variety of uses and forms of the buttonhole stitch. And here's a youtube video demonstrating the blanket stitch.

 Here's some images of felt projects that use the blanket stitch in a variety of ways, but usually as an edging between at least two layers of felt.

As a contrasting color edging, this looks like that whip stitch...	As an invisible edging... (also, that white embroidery is just straight/running stitches)	Blanket stitch on the outside edge to enclose the whole little project since it is stuffed with polyfil. Also uses the whip stitch around the eyes.
This is an EXCELLENT tutorial on how to do the blanket stitch. It is the one I learned from.	Another example of blanket stitch edging.	Four layers of blanket-stitching... Pretty

The next thing to show is french knots!  I love them and once I got the hang of them I started using them in everything 'cause they are relatively easy and add some interest and texture.  Here's a youtube video demonstrating how to do french knots. I'm pretty sure this is the video I first watched.  The needle doesn't have to be as she described, but I guess depending on other needs it might be better.  I've made knots with three loops instead of just the two that she describes, which means the french knot will be a little bigger.  Practice on something with number of loops to see the effect.  Plus, the thicker the thread, the bigger the knot will appear.

Also, this woman has a number of VERY well done demonstration videos that I haven't look through entirely, but she seems to be the most articulate and better filmed than any others. plenty of other videos and stitches to learn!  http://www.youtube.com/user/MaryCorbet 
Her videos can also be watched from her blog, and she's got them organized: How-to Videos by Mary Corbet

Examples of the french knot used in some of the felt freehand embroidery I have liked and tried copying...

French knots used to create floral embroidery	French knots in a circle	Yellow french knots
Just little dots of interest	French knots to make hearts	French knots in the big flowers to hold down the little blue circles down and french knots for the tiny flowers at the bottom. All other stitches are straight line stitches strategically patterned.

So this is a huge collection of ideas, images, links, videos...I hope they helped!

Music: We Are Trees

This is what Spotify can do. I searched for songs with "sunset" in the title and I was given a list to browse, listen, and found We Are Trees this way.  Their song "Sunrise, Sunset" captured me with its first "ohh-oh-oh" and held me through to the last beat.  They even have a mesmerizing video (in my opinion) on YouTube for the song.  View it here:

We Are Trees have two EPs available for download through their bandcamp.com website: Boyfriend (July 2010) and Girlfriend (March 2011). Each digital album has four or five songs for your listening pleasure. These are songs I imagine I'd appreciate most while walking in a park, bicycling through neighborhoods, or driving with the windows down on an early spring day in the country. Plenty of trees. Bound to lift a smile on your face with the free-spirited lilt of the instrumentation. Virginia Beach's own James Nee has a voice that provides the just-right optimism his lyrics already contain, he just releases it into every sung lyric. The fullness of the drums and percussion carries the music with that insistent hopefulness of happy-go-lucky songs. I can't stay seated; These are motivating rhythms. The opening guitar in "You" on Girlfriend is thoughtful and comforting. The melodies are happy, wistful, wishful, but the lyrics address relationship troubles on the horizon in this 2-minute song: "How am I supposed to try to pretend that everything's all right". This might be my second favorite song by them other than "Sunrise, Sunset" on Boyfriend, which was my first impression and introduction to the their magic. Girlfriend's last song has more electric power and push, more energy to send you off into your day. View this lovely video here:
We Are Trees - I Don't Believe In Love from Illusive Media on Vimeo.
So a late Saturday night browsing in Spotify turned into a magical discovery of uplifting music. What a sweet gift.

Addict

I find it just a little mind-boggling how a book read twice during high school was one of the contributing texts that convinced me to not pursue drugs, curious as I might have been, and yet it continues to be banned and removed from public and school libraries.  When I read it I did not know that it was actually a work of fiction or imaginatively compiled and edited diary entries of a psychologist's patient instead of the claimed anonymous diary of a troubled teen. Go Ask Alice was a quick read that both sparked curiosity in certain drugs but also solidified my own grounded sense of self-control and self-preservation.  I wanted to be freer than I felt, but the stories told by those who went too far with drugs never presented them as being free and in control of their lives, but instead wracked with the turmoil caused by heroin, cocaine, acid, ecstasy, and meth.

I remember reading Go Ask Alice sometime in eighth or ninth grade for the first time.  I read it again my senior year because I had a friend (on whom I had a crush on) who progressed from one drug to another during the fall semester until one day he came to school so high on acid that he allegedly had danced like a chicken on the discipline dean's desk. His charisma had perked my interest, and if I had been in the right place at the wrong time I would have tried anything with him just to be around him.  And I realized this, so I set my feet back on the ground by rereading Go Ask Alice.  And when I learned he went to rehab during the winter break, I sent my book by way of a friend to him.  I don't recall if he ever said he got it, or if my friend succeeded in getting it to him.  I never did manage to run with any friends who did hard drugs, but I knew some of my classmates did. I've never seen the made-for-TV movie based on the book.

I believe I read Foxfire by Joyce Carol Oates during my freshman year, or the summer before sophomore year.  Foxfire was another novel that had a real weight of honesty and reality drawn into the plot.  I don't remember specifics from the novel so much anymore because in 1996 a film was made from the novel, leaving out some of the lengthy plot and adding a few more twists. When I think of Foxfire I recall mostly scenes from the film.  A mix-match group of girls bonded together by the same cause, who help and protect each other when various problems rise up in each one's lives.  The hardest of them all is Goldie and how her drug addiction spirals into a mess of problems and disappointment.

There's any number of songs that heighten and raise up the creativity-inducing elements of drugs, but there's nearly an equal amount that share the ails of addiction.  I did not hear this song when it first came out but instead heard it years later when I delved into a myriad of female indie-alternative folk musicians.  Somehow I came across K's Choice and their song "Not An Addict."  The song's lyrics are poignant, nevermind that the intro is like a sad crying of someone desperate, alone, addicted, and wrecked.

I've still never tried acid or 'shrooms, and certainly have never tried anything like the cocaine, heroin, meth, etc.  A glass of wine, a beer, a little bourbon is about as far as my interests go.  But even alcohol is something I approach cautiously, knowing that I do have an addictive nature if I let it go completely.  I've never liked the idea of drinking to get drunk because the few times I have felt drunk I did not find it a pleasant feeling that I wanted to repeat.  No, instead, I have a glass or two of wine with a meal, or three beers over the course of a long evening, followed by a glass of water.  I have fun by being surrounded by music, or talking with people, or taking pictures.  I enjoy being myself with friends who are stronger and more entertaining than any state-altering drug could propose.