E.M. is not me

“Some people suffer from emotional masochism. They are more comfortable when they feel sad or consider themselves failures in life, or prefer to be in a relationship with someone who cheats or insults them. People who have these kind of feelings may have been bullied or abused earlier in life, or may feel that they do not deserve success and happiness.”

No, no, no. Sometimes I feel oddly more comfortable sad, but do not think I’m a failure nor want to think of myself as one either. I do not want to be cheated on or feel belittled. I was bullied at school, insulted and emotionally abused by peers, and had plenty if roller coaster feelings of what my dad thought of me (when I couldn’t figure something out, find something he wanted, etc, I was called stupid, idiot, anything insulting intelligence…). But I don’t desire to feel those feelings again either, far from it.

So this other is something else…. Surely? Hmm.

“Women who fall for unavailable men have some profound insecurities and self-esteem issues, and they invest so much in pursuing unavailable men with the following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll—at long last—have proof that they are worthy. Sadly, without such proof, their self-worth is left hanging in the wind. In addition, these women feel that they’ve invested so much and waited so long for the unavailable man to come around that the thought of leaving without any payoff is almost unthinkable.” - from Psychology Today Magazine.. Although the main example I have of this is not someone who was in another relationship himself, but MDA was just simply not interested in me that way. But the waiting, the hoping that invested feelings would be returned, etc, was all true. 6 years that “crush.” Last summer I finally let it go because I finally realized it was truly never ever going to happen. I don’t deny I surely have some self-esteem issues and insecurities. Some I overcome, some are clinging like leeches. Ah, introspection.