Moody. Too much change going on around me. People coming and going and connections are too thin. And my standing threatens to toss me east or west but I have no clue which direction.
I went to Clifftop and had a great time, most of it. I think constantly being surrounded by people I didn't know and talent I didn't have but wanted to have played a toll on me by the time it was late Friday night. Cajun/Zydeco dancing tent, people, wallflowers, and a mass of other feelings. I had to retreat for a brief bit that evening. It could have been the New Moon. It could have been the amount of bourbon I drank. It could have been my insecurities I always ignore on the surface. It could have been biological. But I had to retreat. Rain. And then I was able to go again and avoid what hurt. I stayed up until 6 a.m. with some folks from Ohio and Toronto, and that brought around a good dawn. And then I slept until the storm came, a literal CRACK! of thunder and lightning around 7 a.m. Fear subsided back into sleep.
Stress of not hearing from a potential job opportunity. If I receive an offer, I have to say all this waiting and waiting and no communication is NOT the right foot to start on. But at the moment I would prefer VT over any other non-Appalachian opportunity. Ah well.
A friend drove up to NY sometime around Sunday or so and is looking forward to change and finding a place in Maine, etc. So I am glad I had the opportunity to get to see and visit with him in early July in his hometown. Someone I hope to always keep in touch with, good friendship and affection.
Another friend has met someone who makes him quite happy and he's just bubbling with that new feeling. And its good to know he's happy. I hope this becomes something good for them both and doesn't fizzle into something that'll make him bitter and skeptical.
Another recent friend is heading up to England as well. Like I said, just as folks come along, they also leave.
I'm tired. Sad. And ready to know what I think I ought to have heard by now. And wish I could say the things I have wanted to say. But what is done is done, and time moves forward, not backward.
I think tonight I am going to go for a long walk... I have not done a midnight walk in a long time, nor have I visited those train tracks in a few months. Or the grove. Ah well. Come what may.
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ADDITION: I have been sending out resumes now. I still have not heard from VT and it is 5:30pm on 08-08-08! I do, however, have a phone interview on Tuesday morning with the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum in Oklahoma City, OK. Interesting. I sent a resume and application to Kean University in Union, NJ. Also one to the Ohio Historical Society, Columbus, OH. And sent one to Harvard as well.
Yesterday I applied for unemployment. I returned applications to Rite Aid and a gas station for part-time work in the meantime. A former co-worker convinced that is OKAY to file for unemployment insurance. I did online and according to it I won't get the first check of that until Aug. 20th. If VT will finally tell me some good news, I won't even need that.
I just want to KNOW now. I don't want to go through more interviews. I want what felt positive and hopeful and good and forward. I DID send an email today at 1:41 pm to the library human resources person at VT and I have not heard from her yet. This is disappointing.
Well, I don't know yet what I am doing tonight. Saturday night should be nice with meteor showers and friends. Sunday will be moving into the guest room at another friends' place out in the countryside, which will lead to walks in the field and by the small ponds out in the sun. It will probably help my latest theme in writing.
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