I'm in a rut. Simply put, a rut. An emotional, spiritual, physical rut.
Emotional for many reasons... I'm beginning to feel apathetic. Maybe that's just today, but... I feel as if I am leaning towards not caring about most anything at all, but no, that's not right either (I can name things and people I care about) but more specifically, I don't seem to care about what happens to me. I care about other people's goals, but I just had this thought: I won't get this job and I won't be that upset about it. Its sad to think that I won't care about not getting something that will improve certain aspects of my life (mostly finance/debt). True, I don't want to leave, but if I stay there are several who will be leaving in a few years.... What can I do? Emotional attachments and admiration. Homebody but social butterfly at the same time. How does this work? hmm. I am sentimental.
Spiritual.... I really don't know how to explain or define this. I guess I have been growing more and more skeptical or cynical. True, I believe in positive energy and the collective unconscious... I believe that the energy you send out is what you will receive. Smile at someone and they are more likely going to smile back.
Physical... ugh. Body image says it all. Tension and ache, muscle and bone, fat and skin. And again, apathy due to lack of motivation and lack of appreciation, lack of admiration and lack of affection. It shouldn't be rooted in how I perceive this body and how I perceive others see this body, but... it is.
I am trying to work on the presentation for next Wednesday. I am writing up my answers to their questions and I have yet to quite figure out how I am going to "present" this and myself on Wednesday.
Honestly, I may just be happy working the mailroom in the post office. I was thinking about the other day, something repetitive and yet interesting enough. Something many writers have done. Its just.... I hate money and yet right now it appears to be the bane of my existence.
No comments:
Post a Comment