Love or not

Love or not

A small emotional rant to throw out there and then forget…
I’m a loving creature. I’m a giver.
I do things on impulse for others,
and think about myself some other time.
I wouldn’t have it any other way, except…
Wouldn’t it be nice, now, to say “I love you”
to someone who says it back?
All of it has been a long ago affair
and I feel old for all this time since last loves.
Where, how to begin? Or settle into “spinster”?
If I had financial freedom I’d jump into work
with very little pay at a poor school,
teach a creative class with children
- words and pictures and videos and songs -
and my paycheck would be filled with smiles
from those kids I loved and helped in a small way.
And if I never had a lover again,
then that would be a satisfying love.
Instead I am tethered to bills and debts.
Instead I seem unavailable, undesirable to others.
Instead I’m always that “just a good friend.”
I miss love, tangible love. Giddy at a thought love.
But I’m also old enough to know
I won’t trip over my own feet at the idea
of being in love - been there at 22 -
so, no, I want to know what door I open,
what may lie rooms ahead, what dreams,
what days I’ll share with myself or with someone I love.
/end rant/