Hmph... So, what did I get from my boyfriend for Christmas? I got a notebook of his that I have seen many times before. Whats different about this notebook is that its got some poetry, some class notes, some LARP stuff, a few attempts at short stories, and then at the end (the better part) he wrote a short story with the Tolkien setting for it... Myself and some of our female friends were in it, and himself and the Elven King too. After this story, there was this nicely-done intimately-done sketch of me. And next to that a poem by Yeats. On the very last page was a dedication of this "book of change" to me. Its an interesting and heartfelt idea... but...
And when he gave me that he told me that he had something else to give me, but that he still had to get something in order to be able to give it to me. I figured this was something that cost money and so figured I had to wait until his financial aid check came in. I had no real conception of what this gift might be... but...
SO... finally tonight I reminded him of it myself... I asked, "Can I ask you a question without you getting weird about it?" We were laying together, spooned, on my bed (clothed) for a little while, just to be comfortable together for a while. He can't sleep in my bed at my parents' house. They feel extremely weird and wrong about that idea. Besides, Dad is weird. Anyway, so he says go ahead... I ask, "Remember when I came up after Christmas and you gave me the journal and told me that was my Christmas present?" He says, "yeah..." And i continue, "And then you told me that there was something else you wanted to give but that you didn't have something for it and couldn't give it to me yet?" And then he remembers and tells me that he had wanted to make me a CD of some music off his computer.
*heart drops*
*sigh*
I tell him that would be nice, but I don't tell him that wasn't what I had in mind. I wasn't expecting something like that. I can make my own CDs... I have a CD-burner.
I want something special. I guess I want him to BUY me something... I know that sounds bad and materialistic and all... but... wouldn't that say something more?
I'm disappointed even though I knew I wasn't going to get something special from him. I knew that he wouldn't have anything for me as a Christmas present until the day I got there, cause the night before he stayed up all night writing the story and sketching the picture. He told me that.
My birthday was the same: We went to the mall. We sat down on a bench. He told me he would be right back. He went into JC Penny's. Ran into a friend there, Hooper, and he bought my present there. (THIS IS ON THE VERY DAY OF MY BIRTHDAY!) Later that night he gives it to me... Its a very pretty ring. I wear it all the time. Its just the fact that he didn't get it BEFORE I was up there. He doesn't get things in advance. He waits until the last minute.
What do I want? I want gifts. But I guess I want thoughtful yet store-bought. I like the self-made stuff too.... BUT.... how much did I spend on his Christmas? I can't remember, but its more than what a composition notebook and a blank CD-RW costs. I'm not rating things in cost... I am saying that I put too much money on this relationship and I am not getting anything in return but love... I don't know what that says about me. I want something tangible. I want a significant gift.
For a time there, when I was in Oxford during that week, I kept thinking that maybe he would ask me THE question. I would have been happy enough with that as the other Christmas present. You don't have to have the engagement ring yet in order to ask someone. I just got my hopes up because my imagination was going super-fly crazy and hoping for the extra-special best.
I am too much of a romantic for this relationship. I am going to get disappointed because he's never going to spontaneously do something romantic out of the blue... cause, he says, "I'm not like that. I can't do that." BULLSHIT! Why can't a guy be romantic sometimes? Surprise me with candles lit up in the bedroom, soft music playing, and some lovingly passionate love-making will definitely follow. That will make me happy.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy right now... Just that I get very disappointed and dismayed when little dreams come crashing down all around me... And its not like I dream these things up on purpose! The idea just pops in my head, "maybe he'll do this...." and its hard as hell to say to yourself, "no, he wouldn't ever do that." It gets sad.
He so sweet sometimes... but I also want him to be romantic. I like to be wooed and I like knowing that he finds it important or worthwhile to do such romantic things.
*sigh* I am tired. I just had to get some of this off my mind.
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