It has been a very long time since I was this tipsy. I am sitting about in the area around Promenade Gallery, BC&T, and pottery place.
I should see if I can make any sense of poetry right now. haha.
Tomorrow night, or Wednesday night, I will go take some pictures of the carnival lights after dark. With a tripod. They shall be gorgeous.
I have this bittersweet feeling right now about several things. On some matters I am still quite conflicted. I hate how I constantly question myself and yet I can't keep from doing it (except for when I am in a relationship, when in itself seems to help me define myself and I am resting assured and happy of who I am in the midst of that relationship). I know I probably ought to have a steady weekly/monthly visit with a therapist or just someone who would shed light on what the heck I am doing with myself. I hate how I can assume myself as one person and then soon after start re-evaluating that and the question that I have to delineate the whole matter is one on the point of sex. Oh I am sure that made NO sense. I hate labels and yet I feel the need to use them, others feel the need to use them, and then no one is happy with who they are because they feel they have to "fit." I want to "fit." But then it comes down to that question. And I don't see myself doing that again. I really don't think I do, but what part of me is saying that? The part which is afraid of everything else, or the true part of me? Is that confusing? I'm sure it is. But I believe it makes sense to me.
It is this matter of self definition. Of knowing who and what you are. Or does "what" matter? Is it only about the "who"? In our society now the "who" is overlooked so much and when the "what" is defined outside the so-called "norm" there might as well have been no "who." hehe... ok. So I know what I was going with that.
And all those labels and self-definitions aside (and I thought I would know WHO and WHAT I am by the time I was 30; I was kidding myself, wasn't I?) there's how you portray yourself and how others' assume who and what you are. If you are portraying yourself truly, not worrying about fitting into any society defined social term or label, not considering yourself as any part of that but as YOU, then what happens all those times someone assumes you incorrectly and you have to "set them straight" on the matter? Awkward much? Or does that simply not happen?
AND how often do you meet someone who you think fits a certain social standard you have assumed would mean a certain person, and you feel the need to find out these things about that person but am also afraid of (1) offending them if it is something they might would take offense to (even though you doubt she would because she's a cool woman), (2) letting your own guard down for a moment to show that you're interested in that person only to find out they are not interested in you (in which case, it may be best to think "it is better to know than to never know"), and (3) for some it might also be frightening/scary to find the feeling might be mutual and be able to move forward on that. In that case, the scary thing is the vulnerability and the trust.
I think I am only just now realizing that I have put up this wall for myself that has prevented me from doing a lot of things, from pursuing people I was interested in because of fear of the unknown, fear of being myself completely to one other person, fear of someone else actually knowing me, fear of rejection, fear of knowing/not knowing love again. I know that last one sounds contradictory, but it is true, I think.
I put myself out there in tiny little bits, testing the water, one toe at a time till I know the water is just temperate enough for the whole body. And yet, when I walk all the way in, when the cool water reaches the small of my back I have to hang back a few seconds longer. Then I can push myself one more step, or someone splashes me and I don't think about the shock anymore, when that cool water tingles that sensitive spot on my back, that sensitive spot in my heart when I know I can fully trust someone.
There's levels of trust, I know this. Some are easier to give over to someone else than others. The others take time and respect, attention and acceptance, care and love.
I should have warned you poor souls who are still reading this massive soliloquy. When I am tipsy (and alone) this is where my mind often travels. Maybe I should have rented a funny comedy and enjoyed the wine. Originally I was going to drink it while typing the four poems I wrote today. But then... maybe I will write more tomorrow.
I think this enough of my rambling now. This is enough a window for now. I must shut it. Good night.
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