archive: 3 february 2008: i have a map

(wrote this yesterday but Myspace was not cooperating with blog posts)

In a mood. Contemplative. I feel as if I should have some things decided, know the path, know the place from which I feel and the place to which I am reaching. From the mind or from the heart. I think I know. And in knowing this I want to reach out and say something, but without saying.

The sky is blue this moment.

This song is playing over and over again. I hit the play button every 4 minutes and 10 seconds. "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands." Can you see them?

Shall I walk or shall I drive tonight?

I don't find it easy to deal with uncertainty. Work. Place. People. Love. Family. Writing. Art. Music. I have a map but there's only pieces of it labeled with street names and landmarks: all of which I am familiar with and have already seen and visited. The streets disappear into sections with no labels, the arrows pointing into those unnamed lands. It seems to say this is where I should go. Do what I am normally reserved about doing? Say what I usually hold inside?

I used to say that I want to refute my character. To go without looking back. To take off with nothing but what I can fit in my car. To work with no care if I get a job dealing with degree, my "profession." My profession would have been writing and art if I could have made a living with it straight-away. I am not of such talent and these days are not conducive to such pipe dreams. But then again, if you don't care, you can.

What is important? What and who keeps me here? Where do I want to go? Where do I want to be? Why do I feel tied to this place? Am I bound here because of people or place? And if they leave and I stay, will I regret it? Will I resent it? Will I long to go somewhere else, anywhere else, but here, knowing they are not here, too? And if I stay, will it become a prison or will it feed my fire? Will I wonder or will I be satisfied? Will I wonder about those who I did not pursue? What could have happened or what damage done if I had spoken what I felt? And is what I am feeling true or misguided? I don't believe it is misguided. I think I am aware of my feelings enough to know that they are sincere ones. Complicated.

I am almost constantly feeling as though I should be redefining myself, not to others but to myself so that I may be able to understand myself. We're always changing. We are never the same at 7, 17, 37, 57, 87.... Blood, memory, experiences, vision, and of course love. Maybe I just need to allow time and space for growth and change, be patient, and learn. Or maybe just accept this as being now and ever only friendship. Will 5 or 10 years change this? Maybe. Maybe not.

I once messaged a friend and said something like this:
me: I am afraid of moving because I am afraid of losing the people I love here.
him: But remember, you don't have to lose anyone you don't want to.

But it is more than that.

....back to typing free-writing journals....