archive: 1 december 2005: poem of sorts

Strong emotions declaring their name
and I declare my denial, dissatisfied want
of what I cannot have, accept, hold tight.
Burrow deep into my bones, under my skin,
under my thoughts, tumbling thoughts...
They tramp, stamp, rap, hiphop beat lines
until there's tracks scarring hard reminders
of who and what and where I am.
And this emotion tells me what it is,
and I tell it, "No, no, you're not. Go away,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
stop repeating over and over in my head,
this is not what I am feeling, no."
And words trip back and forth,
tripping up feelings back and forth.
And I am tripped, stumbled facedown, and
turn to face upward, skyward, star-ward
and think, "not right now."
And words repeat over and over in my head.
And psychology rattles through and demands
sane thoughts - stop repeating - sane thoughts,
it tells me, will be the cure of my tripping up and down.
and I see my emotions retreating, mantra repeating,
repeating over and over in my head,
but retreating, and I feel colder now...
But maybe this is better than the cold
I would have faced if those
repeated words over and over in my head
were spoken.