Just finished watching "Hitch." It was a really good movie. Very... optimistic. I dunno. Maybe in some ways I am just a tad bit pessmistic about love and dating and all that... I have done the dating thing with guys. Pretty much 90% the time somehow he found me and pursued me. But this dating girls... I just don't know how to go about doing it, for one thing, and another thing is that I just don't seem to attract anyone either. I am one of those people who is everyone's friend, but rarely ever anyone's one.
I'm not feeling down in the dumps or anything right now. I feel quite... realistic, matter-of-fact, practical, that's-the-way-life-is. Or maybe this place and time is just not the right time. Maybe its not even Kentucky. It sure as hell wasn't Mississippi. Maybe its where-ever I go next.
But damn, I sure do miss being with someone, kissing them like there's nothing else around us. I miss that feeling of such focused energy. Its the emotions and the feelings that later when you try to recall it, try to call what was done, and what things felt like... you can't recall it. There's no words. No images. Just... I know it was wonderful, and I want that again.
Sure certain details, sometimes, are easy to recall. Sometimes when recalling one thing I have thought about recurringly comes up with more details... I am rambling nonesense, nevermind all that, because if I keep on with that its just going to have to get into specific details and thats not for here or now and doesn't need specific recalling details. I do not need to put those things down into words on "paper."
I just miss being with someone else. Not the "I hate being alone in this house" feeling. I can deal with that. Not the "I can't live without being someone's other." I have been that for so long that I can get over that. But I just would like to be with someone... No, not some slutty casual "fuck buddy" sort of thing. I do not want anything demeaning. I guess I just miss the early parts of being intimate. I seriously miss kissing and hugging for a long time. I miss snuggling up with someone. I'm one of those people who could go months with just that stuff and no sex. Its intimacy that makes love worth it. I guess in the meantime I will just be me, wait it out, and see if and when someone finds me. Because I don't feel like being shot down. Shy enough as it is.
I think I am going to have a glass of wine now. Just a small one. And maybe watch another movie, 'cause I have "Dogville" from Netflix today.
I have "you and I both" by jason mraz ringing in my head...
No comments:
Post a Comment