So much going on in my head now.... I started to play a CD of Melissa Ferrick songs... First song was "Breakup Song." I associate that song with the last day I saw Becky... when I left the apartment parking lot, that song played. I didn't choose it, it just came on. So... some of Melissa's music reminds me of her. I introduced her music to her. She never got to go with me to hear Melissa play... Today I came across some words I was going to tell Becky... I think Melissa was going to perform in Louisville last March and I had a friend online who I thought about meeting and going to hear Melissa with since Becky had to work... She was okay with that idea, for a while, until a bout of self-doubt hit her and she said some things... I wrote those notes down so that I wouldn't ramble on in the voicemail and tell her I only wanted to go to the concert with her. That was the truth, then. We had difficult times... times rooted in her own self-doubt, low self-esteem, and I was reassuring her, tip-toe. After all my past relationships, I understand that there is only so much of that a person can handle... I miss her friendship. But its probably best for us both that we didn't stay in a relationship.
I'm in a spot, myself, now, I think. But I also think its something I can not doing anything about either. I think the best that I can do is just do and be who I am for now. And when someone comes along and pursues me, then thats when I will know if I will respond to that... Crushes only get me so far. Crushes make me happy, but it also emphasizes loneliness, and makes horniness unbearable. haha... I have a few crushes going on now. But I won't act on any of them. I don't want to screw anything up, be it work, friendship, anything... So I just plan to have fun.
haha... "queer as folk" has made me think about the top/bottom thing. I know there's "switch" too... I don't know exactly what I would be considered. But in my past relationships I have always been more of a bottom than a top, more aim to please than to be dominant. That's what makes me happiest, making someone else happy and feel good.
I smoked a cigarette tonight and basically thought of all that. Now, its time to take care of this horrific house. hehe.
OMG, Friday is going to be so much fun.
Ok, Catie Curtis is on my stereo and I am going to rock out. :) As I wash dishes. *smirk*
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