I didn't think I would actually feel a little homesick today. I never really placed any significance on 4th of July before. I usually spent it with Mom, Dad, and family friends the Powells, Sineles, Hankins, etc. But since I moved to KY, I have not managed to have ANY friends who call me up and say, "Hey, wanna join us for this or that?" And the few people I have hung out with are students at the school... I don't feel anywhere near my age with them. And then when I am in a bar like Mia's, I still don't feel my age because... Its just shit. I am in this place where no one knows me, and there's no one even close to my age, and the people who are close to my age are in Lexington, and if they are gay too, they are also in a clique and its exclusive and I just don't get to fit into it. I know this. I have tried. It does NOT happen. And so I had no one to hang out with for 4th of July, and no one invited me. I had no one's BBQ to go to, no party, get-together. I am unwanted.
People are assholes.
And today... today I got pissed off because what I expected to be Red River Gorge wasn't worth it (or else I just missed it, and if thats true, I am just a idiot) and then I went to Lexington to find out there was a parade, but I missed it, and so I go to Mia's. And there was this cute girl there, at a table outside. So I finally get myself up, and I move to sit in the chair opposite her, but she is talking to some guy and then she gets up and leaves.. Never saw me. And this gay man in his fifties lights my cigarette and says "what is a straight girl like you doing here?" And I tell him, "well, maybe my vibe isn't that strong, but I do belong here." And I sit in silence the rest of time, cause he doesn't speak to me, and I get more and more pissed at his comment, and wonder if that is my problem.
Do I not look or act gay enough? what the fuck? I do not intend on changing anything about myself more than I have already because any more changes will not suit my personality. It will not be me. It just makes me mad that I DO NOT FIT.
Just hating everything right now. It feels like teen angst. I hate this feeling. I am more mature than this. I feel like picking up stuff and throwing it around. I do not like being told by anyone that I am not who or what I claim to be. That asshole does not know anything about me. But I hate how the whole thing made me feel afterwards... like maybe no one will ever make a pass at me anyway because they all think I am straight.
I am going to go crawl up in a ball now. Happy now?
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