OK. This settles it for once and for all, damnit. [maybe]
There's these labels, identities, titles, self-descriptions of sexuality: Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Queer. Transgender. Asexual. Straight. etc etc.
So... when someone starts wanting to analyze themselves, to take the pieces of their being down to examine and decipher, to "figure herself out." To find her definition, her label, her sexuality.... It gets quite a bit complicated.
I'm 29 years old. I have a lot of experience under my belt, in a sense.
I had my first boyfriend at 16 for a week and a half. Next boyfriend was at 19. Boyfriend after that was at 20. Etc etc.
First girl crush? 7th grade, at least. First "oh my god, I seriously majorly want to do things to that girl" crush? Senior year of high school, and damnit, if I knew where she was now I still would want to do all those things. Except she's straight, married, and has a little boy. But at least I had told her that I had had a major crush on her.
And ever since then I have been acknowledging the crushes and attractions to girls. But when I lived in Mississippi, it just.... didn't feel like an option. And the few times I tried to date/meet a girl... just never were successful. Too many bicurious girls who stood you up when you were just meeting at the bookstore cafe to talk. How can just talking be anything but harmless? Seriously.
Anyway... So... Crushes on Boys, Crushes on Girls. I do have a detailed list of when, who, what I did with who, etc. Just for my own memory and purposes. But yeah, back and forth, girls, boys, girls, boys....
I get my butt up here to Kentucky and I seriously am not interested in any guys I meet or see. I think, "ok, they're all too young or just not attractive on this campus." But I also think... This is a whole state of people who don't know me. Who don't know my family, don't have preconceived notions about me or who I should be. This town is laid back, kinda hippie, very accepting... Liberal. Mississippi is Conservative, USA. At least Kentucky is a little more Moderate.
So... since I moved here I felt freer to be ME. To not give a fucking hell about some things. I went to the gay clubs, I went to Mia's, I went mainly with the decision of NUMBERO UNO: I want to make friends. But I also wanted to finally meet a woman I was attracted to and date. And I did. And Becky and I were together for 3 months.
And I decided I felt much more myself with her. I felt more physically comfortable with her. And as for sex, I.... well, honestly, I liked sex with a woman more than I did with the guys. Now, now... I did have good sex with my ex-boyfriends. They knew what they were doing and all that... And I have had a variety of sizes, etc, etc, whatever. Its more... I do like going down on a woman more than I did a man. Yeah, sometimes I did like it, but that was minority. Circumstances had to be right, mood and all that. The rest of that is for poetry. ;)
So... do I like girls or guys? Do I honestly have to choose one over the other permanently? For me (and this discussion is only in describing me, and not to be used to judge others because everyone is different and loves and has different needs), but for me I can only love one person at a time with all my being. I cannot spend my energy on more than one person intimately. So yeah, I may find myself sometimes attracted to a guy, not just for physical attributes, but also his personality and friendliness and honesty. And let's say I date him. I have never been successful at attempting to date more than one person at a time, and seriously, I don't think I could do it even if the opportunity arose. But I date monogamously. And I would not start something with a woman at the same time.... I just can't do that myself.
So... point is I date monogamously, no matter the gender.
When I was dating Becky her worry was that since I was bisexual then that meant if I met the right guy I would leave her to date him. I kept telling her that that was not true and that is not who I am. I am in love with one person and I do not leave someone for another person, no matter gender. I do not cheat. And I am always honest. ESPECIALLY in a relationship. Communication, whether you want to hear it or not, is my thing. If the relationship is going downhill its going to be one or more of these options: (1) conflict of some kind between the two of us, (2) you cheat on me, (3) either of us have to move away and decide that relationship can't withstand long-distance, (4) one of us dies, (5) immense lack of trust or dishonesty on your part. I don't put up with lies.
So man or woman?
I think sexually I prefer women. And emotionally and personality-wise, more often women. But, occasionally there may be the possibility of a man having traits I really admire and appreciate. So... love ought to be genderless. If I met the right guy while being single, then why not give him a chance? If I met the right woman while being single, then why not give her a chance?
So...
Because I am not just straight....
Because I am not just bisexual....
Because I am not just lesbian....
I choose to describe myself as Queer.
So if you read through all this, and you've taken a little time to actually get to know me, you will know that I am not one to play games, that I am honest, and that I am not trendy or slutty. I am straightforward. Ask me questions and I answer honestly.
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