well, its comlpicated.
M. and I talked on IM last night for a while.... and after a while she says this and my response...
[11:47] M: Don't think I'm crazy...but I've missed you this week, or at least thought about you a couple times a day...its odd, didn't expect that from just meeting you saturday and such
[11:50] booknut1976: I don't think you're crazy. Its nice. But honestly we'd probably just be friends. The last month or so I have been thinking about relationships and stuff, and I doubt I can actually get into a serious one knowing that I am leaving next August.
[11:52] M: Yep, realized that...not to mention you seem opposed due to age difference
[11:54] booknut1976: yeah, sorta. I dunno. I thought about that. But I can tell you're looking to work towards a serious relationship.
Myself, I think I could get involved with someone, casually, but that when I move it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Doubt I'll meet someone like that, but I knew that before anything was talked about further I was going to let you know that. I don't like the idea of leading anyone on... Thats just cruel.
[11:55] M: yeah
[11:57] booknut1976: Its cool though, 'cause I think you're really nice and cute and everything, and another friend never hurts. If thats ok, with you. I mean... you deserve to find someone who will be able to reciprocate all your affections and not have a time that limits it.
[11:58] M: fine with me
[11:58] M: I like you, I won't lie about that
[11:58] M: however, my heart isn't up for that
[12:03] booknut1976: yeah... I know, and I wouldn't ask that of you.
But I could tell you were admiring me, and I wasn't sure what to do with that. So I talked with you for a while Saturday just to chill and know who you are. I mean, a compliment is a compliment, right? Thats a good thing. But I would never knowingly lead someone on through all kinds of intimate and sexual stuff without telling them I don't think it can get serious knowing they are completely emotionally attached. That'd be mean and awful. I knew either tonight or tomorrow we'd talk about this.
[12:03] M: yeah
[12:06] booknut1976: well... you ok?
[12:08] M: yeah, i'm alive...why?
[12:08] booknut1976: well, just sounded pretty silent over there...
[12:10] M: it happens...I'm thinking WAY too much...about a couple different things
[12:11] booknut1976: ahh... I do the thinking way too much thing. I will over analyze something till I either can't handle it anymore or just get fed up with it or just randomly pick a decision. I will over analyze something someone says sometimes and it can get a bit too much.
hah.
[12:11] M: I know the feeling
....................................
So, I have this on a preferred blog list thingie so I can sort out my thoughts on this. I said the right things, right? I mean, let me go into this.
1. I have 10 more months here and after that I don't know where I am going.
2. She's expressed casually in conversation about stuff that she doesn't kiss someone unless she's in love with them, and the same with sex. I respect that, and wouldn't ask someone with those values to do otherwise.
3. Since she has those values, I see no point in allowing her to think that things could get romantic when its possible I won't have invested as much emotionally.
4. She's 19, and the more I talk to her the more I realize she is a bit angsty still. hrm. Just the way things continued... After I went to bed she responded to the bulletins I posted, but didn't post them to the bulletin board but emailed them to me. Not a mistake, considering some of the answers. She has also written in her xanga:
"If I could kick the shit outta me...I would. I'm currently kicking my own ass however, because I passed up on an interesting opportunity. Damn my emotions...always getting in the way of senseless debauchery. Having coffee tomorrow night...that will be bittersweet, because I was hopeful for the first time in 4 months. So much for that, apparently life is measured in months and everything has to fit into these concise boxes to be packed away back home, so...I guess something with me is just too big for Mississippi"
So..... yeah. I did right, right? I mean... what else was I supposed to say? I'm not a deceptive person and I could never have gotten involved with her physically knowing the difference between us on that. gah....
I almost want to email her and say that it's probably not a good idea to meet up for coffee. I don't like seeing people I have disappointed, but this is a honest "this is for the good of you" kind of disappointment. Right?
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