Saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire today. No spoilers here though. It was good, but... I liked the director for Prisoner of Azkaban better. I want to see it again, but I will probably do that later. I don't want to sit in the second or third row from the front again. Not a good choice.
I think I looked cute today. heh. I was kinda giggly about this outfit. Nothing special, just jeans and a brown sweater with a button-down shirt under it. I like this sweater though. It is very soft. It used to be my sister's, and then it got handed down to me when she couldn't fit into it anymore. It is cashmere. I have no idea where she got it, but it has held up pretty good. One small hole but I will figure out a way to repair that sometime.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at Penny's at 1. After that I am visiting Marissa for a while...
Today my mood has flipped around a good bit. I think I am going to do some writing. I don't think I have been entirely honest with myself, about my feelings and about how I feel about my life and job. Well, I have been honest on some things, but maybe too optimistic about other things.
This is it: Yes, I want to have a solid relationship with someone. I may have said in the last month or so that I may want to have a casual sexual relationship but with no real ties because of my job's limited time here, but really... even if I met someone who could do that, I'd probably end up becoming very emotionally attached to them and then hate myself and the situation. I know I cannot be involved with someone without being emotionally attached.
But then crap, I have a job which expires August 31st, 2006. If my co-workers are even considering suggesting to the college that the college hire me permanently, they have not given me any hint or indication that it may happen. The closest thing anyone ever said was Harry, back in January or so, that you never know what the college may offer. Take Pat as an example. She was hired temporarily for 2 years and then she was offered a permanent part-time position. She's worked there ever since then. Same happened with Ed. Honestly, the college archives could use a processing archivist for all those collections on the shelves which have not been processed. I wonder if I could propose this, and how. I know I would talk with Steve about it.
Anyway, that aside, my situation is realistically temporary here. My next job could be elsewhere in KY or who knows? Maybe anywhere from VA to NM or CO or NY. I pretty much don't have a preference for location except I don't want to live in FL, MS, AL... pretty much the whole Southeastern US. Maybe Georgia. NY appeals to me in some areas. Besides, I do want to live in or visit NYC, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco...
So... my predictament is that even though I may be lonely and though I may crave emotional attachment with someone, I can't expect anyone to be willing to be a part of any of that with me other than as friends. I understand that. It'd be ultimately unfair to anyone to be emotionally involved with me if there's uncertainity with a deadline on how long it can last.
Its peculiar though, isn't it? When the assumption is that because someone is living in a place, meets someone, becomes involved... that the relationship may have infinite possibilities of duration and intensity. Take two twin couples. One couple knows ahead of time that one person may be leaving in a year, and the other couple does not know of such a limitation on their relationship. Does the first couple have a harder time with their relationship because of this information? What if the second couple finds out that one of them is leaving too, but only a week before they are going: would they break up or would they somehow stay together? Does it even matter? It is entirely possible the second couple could have broken up way before one person found out they were going to have to leave anyway, and the first couple could split at any time even though they knew of the deadline.
I guess Becky and I were an example of that first couple. She knew from the beginning, and we talked a lot about it (almost broke up twice), and sometimes we entertained the idea that she'd move with me whereever I end up having to go. But when it really came down to it, she wasn't ever going to leave. And would I have been able to stay? Where would I have worked? Would I have settled to work somewhere in Lex. at a job beneath my degree?
She was right about that. I would have stayed, but until I found another archival job in Lexington, I would have been unhappy with myself working somewhere where I was not using my educational intellect. She never said that to me, but that is what she knew. And there is no guessing at how long we would have really lasted together.
I do become a bit passive in a relationship, I think. Its possible I need to find someone who will force me to truly voice and act on my impulses, be a little more aggressive. I have to be comfortable with them though, and I have to know I can trust them. I am just a tender heart, and I refuse to hurt someone I care about if at all possible, even at my own cost. I am protective, tender, and motherly.
I may be dreaming lately about things I wish could happen, but they probably will never happen. I think I know that they won't happen. And I accept this. It doesn't really upset me, other than it is definite that I am not going to have a relationship with anyone the rest of my time here in Berea, unless I find out I am staying longer. I am lonely for intimacy, cuddles and snuggles. I do not feel lightly about those times spent with someone like that. If I snuggle with someone it is because I really feel comfortable and care about them. I will become very protective of them, even if there is no relationship. In fact, until recently, I never cuddled with someone I was not in a relationship with. So that comfortable intimacy like that speaks a lot to me. But I know not everyone feels that way and if it were to happen again I would not interpret it as anymore than close friendship.
Anyway... so.... this ramble feels like it is coming to a close. I have decided this is how it is right now, I don't expect anything more or less, and I may not be happy with it, but I can deal with it. So... I will try my best to not interpret anything as anything unless someone says "this is....." Makes sense? Sounds logical and practical? Probably. Because it is impossible for me to be irrational. haha.
ok. I am going to go string lights on my porch. I doubt this was read through, but it was, thanks. It doesn't matter though, because this was just something to sort my thoughts out, and not intended for anyone whatsoever to read and think "this applies to me" or anything like that. Just that my feelings and thoughts over the last 3-4 weeks have made me realize realistically how I must handle things.
Oh. And I want to take an IQ test. I took one at work online the other day and it scored me at 118, but I don't feel like that is right. But then again, it is just a number, right? *sigh* 'Cause to me, I know my intellect is stronger than 118. I just know it.
I also want to read about some new age subjects. I haven't pinpointed what I want to say I want to read about, but when I see it, I will know. Later, folks.
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