Wednesday, August 8, 2007

archive: 8 august 2007: identity commentary

I stumbled across a blog entry that got me thinking. His blog was talking about identity. I knew him when I worked at the college.
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"Or why is it even limited to my blood?"
Exactly, B.
Although I do agree with most or all what Tambone has said in the comments below, I just wanted to add my two cents.

Identity is something I often struggle with, too, in many avenues: ethnically, sexually, gender, culturally/socially, and even economically.

As far as I know, my ancestry has primarily Irish, English, German background, some French, and some Native American (either Choctaw or Cherokee, not sure). That's just my Mother's side of the family because that's the tree we have sought out to trace. My Dad, on the other hand, was much more hesitant to talk about family and the ways it is connected. There's possibility there for any number of combinations of ethnic diversity (or not). Either way, I appreciate knowing "where my family comes from" because it gives me a "sense of place" in one form. I also appreciate the other sense of place that I relate to the community with which I feel most at home (which has been here in Berea).

Sexual identity, as I imagine you might understand with your own diverse group of friends who fit many a "label" in this group, but for me it has been an issue to sort out. It is frustrating when I come out to someone and they say "you don't LOOK gay." One, they are being narrow-minded in assuming that one must look gay. But Two, it always throws me a curveball in thinking that I need to portray myself more masculinely in order for others to identify me as gay... and yet that does not work well for me because I am as masculine and as feminine as I am comfortable being and still be myself. Any ounce more either way makes me feel as though I am not being myself (true) and that I may mis-convey to someone else an aspect of my personality. But that's gender, too. Sexually, it is complicated because one may be attracted to both genders, or just one gender. Why the limitation? And if sexual preference is indeed genetically related, then how and who in our expansive ancestries connect to us in the present with that gene? And if we relate to the Bible and the idea that we are all distantly related to Adam and Eve, then that would have to mean that both of them carried the gene. (please don't anyone smite me!) Just thinking, that's all!

Culturally/Socially - The people we spend time with when we are in earliest youth (parents/guardians), the children we grew up with (friends and enemies alike), the awkwardness of middle school and junior high when we start criticizing each other, the high school worries of dating and studies and career, the college worries of love, sex, career, etc... and the people who inspire and influence us throughout all these eras of our lives.... This is what also shapes us. This would also be part of nurture. I am sitting in my first literature class in junior high and I find that I love poetry. Better yet, I love to write it. A teacher guides and encourages me, compliments my work. This is nurturing of a talent I may have already had through genes or simply my personality. There are a lot of artists in my family. When I was under5 years old my mom used to paint all the time but she stopped and throughout my entire adolescence I wondered when she would paint again. She does now. Her mother's cousin was a children's book illustrator. So I have been interested in the arts either because my ancestry has creativity in it or that I simply was attracted to it and thus nurtured more towards it.

On another note with that, I consciously made a decision to be more accepting and less judgmental towards people based on their skin color. Why? because my father was very racist and prejudiced towards African-Americans when I was growing up and it hurt me in the long run. I lost several friends when I would have them over and they would hear him complaining loudly about his employees in a derogatory manner. And so I chose to be more accepting and understanding, to favor or dislike people solely on an individual basis, never as a group.

Economically is a little more challenging to explain. I guess I could say I come from a middle-middle class family. My dad worked hard (and paid the price with 3 tours in Vietnam) to give his family a comfortable means. I think he stayed in the Marines longer than he wanted because of the pension and benefits. He gambled to earn us a bit more than his company earned us during its harder times. His business did put us into debt for some time. But nonetheless, I think in my school setting I was somewhere in the middle. I was far from spoiled but I had what I needed and sometimes one of the 20 things I wanted. hehe. But as I get older and I am learning more about the people around me, the economics of those around me, and trying to live comfortably on my own... I even redefine what comfortable means. There are certain things I am used to that I don't need and I am willing to give away, do away with it. I used to think I wanted to have a huge personal library of books. Sure, that's nice, but what is it going to do on those shelves in my house? Collect dust and take up space and be inaccessible to others. If I have read it then I don't need to possess it physically. Same with everything else.

Ok. So my point is that ALL of that makes you be you, the PERSON you are, unique even moreso than a snowflake.

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